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Hi,

I'm male, 42, and just tired of life anymore.  Not suicidal (not that I don't have those fleeting thoughts).  Just fed up, burnt out, and tired.

All my life I've been an anxious person.  It wasn't until my (now ex) long-time GF told me that I ruminate did I realize that my anxiety was abnormal.  I finally went to see a doctor (psychiatrist) and eventually but reluctantly tried some meds.  They seemed to help a bit and over time, my appointments waned, as did the medication use.  I thought I had gotten better.  But the anxiety came back, this time with anger, and so did that therapists.  The second one was really great and was helping, but she took a job elsewhere.  The third was okay, at least helpful, but became flaky with appointments (she even missed a few with little to no warning) to the point that I refused to see her again.  I tried to seek other therapists locally with all sorts of roadblocks that would just make me put the search on the back burner.

Just about a year ago my anxiety turned to a depression I've never felt in my life and haven't been able to get a handle on since.

I had just accomplished a personal goal, a difficult cycling event that I had trained hard for for about a year and which resulted in losing 40+ lbs.  In the process of training, I racked up many smaller personal accomplishments that I was proud of and had made a lot of new friends in my local cycling communities.  A couple days after the even was the best I can remember feeling in many years.  I was proud of myself. I felt like I had a great group of friends.  I had plans to keep riding and training and getting in even better shape.  I was keeping the anxiety under control.  I specifically remember driving home from a group ride just feeling happy for once in a long time.

That next day I woke up feeling like I've never felt in my life.  Just profound and relentless sadness.  Hopelessness.  I found myself closing the office door to cry for no reason.  I found myself crying on my commute.  All of a sudden, just unfounded exhaustion.  I'd get to work and do my job, but I'd come home and crash.  My favorite place became my local bar.  Work, bar, sleep.

I tried finding a new therapist.  I had a couple offices tell me I need a referral, only to have my PCP tell me I seek mental health help on my own in my state.

I finally used my company's Employee Assistance Program to locate someone to help.  I got the names of two councilors.  I made an appointment with the closest, but she was a no show.  A NO SHOW!!!  I made an appointment with the other which was much further away, but I found myself feeling worse following each an every visit.  We eventually decided it was best to part ways.  She did give me a list of recommended councilors and nurse practitioners, but all at least an hour from home (and even further from my job).

I'm just so tired!

I'm tired of wearing the fake persona.

Throughout my life, I got pretty good at hiding the anxiety.

Nobody wants to be around that guy.  I get it.  So I go out in the world and put on my fake smiling face and try to be positive.  I even try over and over to just "choose to be happy."  At work especially this creates strong emotion dissonance to the point of exhaustion.  Sometimes I can't hide it and people find me "moody."  For those which I've shared, I get the usual platitudes; get some exercise, take some time for yourself, blah blah blah.

I'm tired of the platitudes.

My mom has always said I should "thank my lucky stars."  I hate that.  I recognize how fortunate I am.  I live in one of the richest and safest countries in the world.  I have multiple degrees and have been gainfully employed since graduating college almost 20 years ago even through economic depressions and this current COVID-19 shutdowns.  I own a house and don't have to worry (much beyond the anxiety thing) about money.  For the most part I'm healthy.  I get it.

But I'm not happy, and people don't understand that.  

I'm tired of asking for help and getting empty promises.

I have asked and asked for help. 

I've been through a several doctors and councilors.

When I finally reached out to the EAP and made an appointment that was a no-show, that's when I reached out to my family.  I told them the truth.  I'm tired.  I'm burned out.  I'm tried to do all the right things and I just feel like I don't matter enough to anyone, even those that I'm trying to pay. 

My parents agreed to help.  That was August last year.  There was some reading and then the stupid recommendations, like "get some exercise," or "make sure you're getting a good night's sleep."  There's been no help aside from the above mentioned platitudes.  I've tried explaining this is a long  As soon as I put on my fake face, they think I'm okay again.  

It's like a switch to people.  They think I'm all good or I need to be hospitalized.  Why can't it be what it is.  I'm sharing my anger and frustration today and asking for help, but when we talk tomorrow, I'm going to suppress those very same thoughts, emotions, and feelings, but that doesn't mean I don't need help.

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Welcome new friend to our forum family.

We all have experience with the emptiness of the depression darkness.

Personally I invoke metaphors to help strategize a way out of the depression cave.

Staying physically healthy is of course important but staying mentally fit is also a challenge for everyone.

Powerful and clever metaphors are the mental exercise equipment we all have access to.

Anyway I hope you find this forum as helpful as I have.

Oscar

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I’m sorry you feel so awful and have been having a hard time with therapists! Therapy can be good – I have a therapist. But sometimes medication is necessary. I hope that you can find a good doctor or ARNP who you can trust. Treatment works much better when you can get to know and trust your provider.

Many of us have been through difficult times with therapists or doctors. I had one psychiatrist who was treating me lose his license. The best thing is to keep trying, no matter how discouraged you feel.

It is helpful to come to the forum to vent and find community. You are not alone, and you can find people who “get it.”

Hang in there and welcome.

C

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A lot of what you describe sounds very familiar to me.  I am sorry you have been going through this experience.  I could write a long message, but the bottom line is please do not give up!  Take a break from the active struggle if you need to but go back to it after a rest.  I do understand that it is seriously frustrating to keep trying and feel nothing is improving.  

I have only one possibly practical thought. Maybe ask someone you trust to recommend a therapist they would trust.  My best luck with doctors, dentists, counselors, mechanics, etc. has been via word of mouth.  From what you wrote, the second therapist (who was great) might be a good person to ask to suggest someone.   Best of luck to you!

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I reached out to my parents (again) this weekend and got the usual BS.

First I wasn't taken seriously.  Got the usual platitudes, and "well, you've seemed fine lately."

I elaborated about my symptoms and what I've pursued in search of relief, including posting here.  I literally got yelled at for posting personal things online for the world to see.  

Most of the time I bury it to be the person everyone wants me to be.  And then when I can't anymore, I'm wrong.

 

I hate my job, and it just keeps getting worse.  I know I need to go somewhere else, but I've got most every symptom of severe depression and all symptoms of burnout.  And that's their relentless solution...  Look for a new job and move.  Right, because if I barely have enough energy to keep myself afloat in my current job, I must have plenty left over to make the life changes that most anyone would find extremely stressful.

I get out of bed for nothing more than to meet the obligations others set for me.  The rest of my time is avoiding those obligations with TV, the bar (when it was open), and sleep, only to feel guilty later on.

I'm constantly told about all the great attributes I have, but only when I share how badly I feel.  It doesn't help.  Actually, it makes me feel worse.  If I have all these great things, why am I only a doer for people.  I'm just a doer, and if I say no, however politely, I'm tossed aside.

When is there going to be a win?  Recognition for a job well-done without just being assigned even more responsibility?  Someone say yes to a date?  A vacation that I get to chose where to go and I don't have to travel alone?  Hell, right now my employer has restrictions on states I can travel to which rules out the one thing I actually enjoy doing alone.

I slept all Sat night.  I slept most of yesterday.  Had dinner and a beer and slept all night last night.  And I just want to go back to bed.

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Hello,

I empathize with your search for a therapist.  I agree with the earlier post that suggested asking friends and family for referrals. That's a great place to start. I have been to many therapist throughout the years before I finally found one that "fit". It's a very personal relationship and it might take a few tries before you find the right one for you.  I personally found that the good ones don't take insurance and I pay out of pocket. If you can afford it, you might consider looking outside your health insurance coverage. Another option may be online therapy. With Covid-19 it may be awhile until everyone is comfortable with in person appointments.  Don't give up. There are great therapists out there! 

Wishing you the best!

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Hi @JustTiredAnymore. Glad you found us. 

What you wrote about family not understanding depression and their inability to empathize, validate you reminds me of my own experiences. I think they genuinely wanted to help me but their efforts did th opposite. They just didn't understand mental illness until I was able to explain it and they were willing to listen. That took a lot of time.

I began to feel less alone when I discovered found families like this one. Surrounded by people who get it, I receive the support and validation I craved from my bio family. Acknowledgement, feeling understood, empathy - it doesnt fix it. It does make living with it easier. At least for me. 

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On 5/18/2020 at 11:57 AM, JustTiredAnymore said:

First I wasn't taken seriously.  Got the usual platitudes, and "well, you've seemed fine lately."

I've found that it is really hard for people around me to understand. Mental illness is often called "the invisible disability" because others might not be able to see it. 

If you are feeling bad, and can say that to yourself and others, that is a good thing. We often have to be advocates for ourselves, which is admittedly difficult when we aren't feeling well. But trust yourself - if you aren't doing well, and you know it, then seek the help you need. It's a way of believing in yourself.

My hope is that you can find some caregivers who can help you. I am fortunate because I have both a therapist and ARNP who get what's going on with me - and I think they are the only two who do. So I hope that you can find some providers or clinicians who are a good fit for you.

BTW - I've really found a forum to be helpful because it is a community where you can be understood. 

Hang in there and keep trying.

C

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I think you should always be yourself, show you true feelings and believe in yourself, and communicate in an open and honest way to everyone. Advice from people varies, so you should dissect the information you receive and use it for good. You should really focus on overcoming your problem in steps and work toward success. 

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