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what do you do if you're not a nice a person and you know it and do nothing to change it?


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i know im a not a nice guy, i shouted at a homeless guy in the street the other day calling him an an as.shole when he didn't say thank you after my gf got me to buy him a coffee. it was right in front of my gf and she was mortified, wouldn't speak to me all the way home. said it kept her up all night thinking about how ashamed she was of me to the point of it even making her reconsider wanting to be with me. she brought it back up the next day and got me to say i regret saying it and apologise etc. but to be completely honest i don't regret it, am not ashamed and would probably do it again. and i don't even care.

just continuing to feel more and more detached and distanced from my life and the people in it over the past few weeks months years. if my gf breaks up with me i just simply wont even know where to start. we live in an apartment she owns so i'd be out the door and have to go live in a shared flat with a bunch of randomers which i dread. not lived with random flatmates for over 7 years, dont think i could really handle it tbh but living alone is expensive. 

i dont even know what to say. ive become less caring and more apathetic towards people including my gf. she wants to move to the countryside and i dont, but as it's her flat she's calling the shots cos she wants to sublet it out. even before the confinement i feel like she's been slipping away from me ever so slightly, and now being in each other's faces 24/7 for ages isn't really helping. she seems less loving towards me, like she cant stand me or even hates me sometimes. she's even pushed and hit and thrown things at me recently (none hard or serious at all. but a clear sign of her frustration towards me). i discovered meditation while travelling in Asia as a way of dealing with depression after my dad died 1 1/2 years ago. not done a single minute since coming back despite KNOWING how good it is for me (and anyone). why don't i still do it? one simple answer: laziness. i just can't be bloody bothered. it's like someone striking gold but not being bothered to pick any of it up and instead preferring to sit around in a pile of his own filth watching YouTube endlessly while his gf becomes less and less attracted to him.

wish it would all just end. ive been enjoying life less and less for years now.

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Well, do you want to care? Do you want to be more empathetic and sympathetic? Or do you prefer the callous mentality you have grown? I’m not saying it as if there is a right answer, but I am curious of your purpose in this self reflection. On one hand it sounds like you cannot be bothered to think beyond yourself or your own suffering, and in the next breath, it seems you’re painfully reflective of your shortcomings and have an inkling of regret. Perhaps some self reflection of what YOU really want or desire is in order. Not what others want or expect of you. Be honest with yourself, and know whatever the answer is, it’s okay. 

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Sorry to hear that your mood has declined and your relationship is troubled. 

I think there is a strong relationship between hateful thoughts toward others and similarly hateful thoughts about ourselves. Disparaging and criticizing people to the degree we put ourselves down. Caring about others and for ourselves. 

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thanks for both of your replies, they are very thoughtful and introspective. i guess i was more venting than anything else. while out for a walk today with my gf i suggested buying lunch for two homeless people we walked past in front of a supermarket. then afterwards suggested that we do the same for at least one homeless person a week from now on. would i be suggesting this if i wasn't with my gf? perhaps not. part of it is to try and make up for my actions in her eyes, i will admit. however part of it is a genuine act of good will - not to feel good about myself, but really to try and bring at least a smidge of happiness to someone in an otherwise difficult situation. no i do not like the callous mentality that i have grown at all, and in fact regularly use it as another stick to beat myself up with. it's a kind of sick vicious cycle.

Atra you are absolutely right, i am very critical/hateful/negative towards others and therefore towards myself too. or perhaps the other way around. either way i do want to break this cycle. i wrote the post when i was in a depressed lul at 2 in the morning after arguing with my gf and so i guess was in a downward spiral mood.

Anything thanks again for the kind words and the ideas you've put forwards. I DO care about others, i suppose just certain ones more than others if im being brutally honest. or perhaps i have to be in the right mood about caring for myself enough for me to be able to care about others too. i dunno. i know i am selfish and regularly put myself first and i am not proud of this at all. again i just use it as a reason to hate myself more at times. oh boy...

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Alright, as far as how nice we are or not, we're not going to be our own best critics. That said, on the other hand it can be nice to have validation but we really shouldn't be letting other people determine our worth either.

You shouted at a homeless guy for not showing gratitide. Won't be the first, won't be the last. Doesn't make you a bad person. 

There isn't a simple answer and if there were, laziness isn't it. Striking gold and not picking it up? Nah, definitely more to that than laziness. Doesn't make sense, does it? Neither does depression

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  • 1 month later...

Let me tell you something that will cheer you up, (sings) everything's gonna be alright, everything's gonna be alright. Sorry to hear about your dad, death of family is not easy to forget, but it is wounds that heal over time. Have back up plans in life and you will be prepared for the worst should it come. 

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