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Mom threw me to the streets during a pandemic!,


chumly

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I would love other’s thoughts on the following situation. Does it sound like I am right to cut my mom out of my life at this point?

To make a very long story shorter...I am a middle aged woman. My mom has always been a very difficult person to deal with. She is known for being opinionated and argumentative. She does have some good qualities and she has done quite a bit for me. She is also nice to others at times too, which has allowed her to have a nice amount of friends but usually her argumentative ways come out sooner or later with most people who spent any length of time with her. ..I truly believe at this point that it is part of a mental health condition with her. I have come to the conclusion that she is not only a narcissist but also suffers from extreme bipolar.
 

Anyway with that said, I also have an xboyfriend in my life that I am still good friends with. I have been living with him for a number of years. He is also very opinionated and tends to be argumentative at times too....although a bit less so than my mom. Anyway,  he has stayed living with me while he was fighting to get on SSI, which he thankfully finally got approved for in October! Him and I eventually plan to live separately though. He just needs to get on his feet first. However, a few months prior to that my mom was diagnosed with a very early stage, treatable cancer. Somehow the suggestion came about that me and my xboyfriend could move in with her so that I can take her to all of her doctors appts. Thankfully I have a very flexible work at home job that allows for that, however I was very skeptical about the whole thing since I have naturally had issues in the past when doing things with the both of them since they are both difficult to deal with, especially my mom. Anyway, I went against my better judgement and agreed to giving up my apartment to help my mom. Since she agreed to not charge me or my xboyfriend rent it started to be too tempting of an offer to pass up. 
 

With the exception of a few situations, that my x boyfriend smoothed out, It all seemed to be going well for the first few months . I was pleasantly surprised since, as I said, I have lived with the both of them in the past and fights did occur. My mom was always the instigator but my xboyfriend would smooth things out . The same thing happened this time but for the first few months there were only about 2 situations like that. For the most part we all seemed to be getting along better than ever and my mom seemed to be trying to avoid discussing her usual favorite argumentative topic (politics). ..so as I said, it all seemed pretty good for the most part. ..that was until she started to feel better. She was finishing up her treatment and was getting her appetite and strength back and sadly, with that she seemed to gain a renewed interest in her argumentative ways.again too ..slowly bringing up controversial, political topics again and seemed to be looking for stuff to pick on us about again..despite me and my xboyfriend still being on our best behavior. I should probably mention that my mom knows very well that my x boyfriend has completely opposite political views than herself but yet she seemed to be slowly getting into those topics again.
 

Anyway, this all came to a head last week...my mom was sitting in her back porch while my xboyfriend had a cigarette out there. She once again brought up a controversial topic that my xboyfriend did not agree with. He had been very good at ignoring it all up to this point ..but this time he finally expressed an opinion back. My mom got argumentatively nasty again and he once again tried to smooth things over. He kindly said, “well I guess it is okay to have a difference in opinion “ and she responded with a sulking nod. After he told me this I gave things a little time to calm down before I approached my mom. She was obviously still sulking. She also suggested to me that although I can stay, my xboyfriend should leave. At this point I reached my breaking point with her. I reminded her about how I gave up my apartment to help her. She then started getting belligerent with me. She called me an ungrateful bitch for not be appreciative of her allowing me to live with her rent free. It seemed that she forgot that I gave up my apartment to help her and drove her to the doctors daily. She also seemed to forget that about a week ago she told me and my xboyfriend how grateful she was for all we did for her and she was now saying that she wanted us both to leave. At this point I snapped. I just could not believe she would throw me and my xboyfriend to the street during a pandemic so I called her ugly and other names. I know that is horrible but I guess after years of dealing with her nastiness I just snapped. My xboyfriend got involved at this point and snapped at her too. We then packed up our things and left. We had to stay in my car the first night but we thankfully found a cheap hotel to stay at for now.

My mom has called practically every day since then. I listened to her first few messages and they made me even more angry. She said that I can come back but my xboyfriend can’t. To me that was just as bad as saying I can’t come there since I would never abandon him ( or anybody) to be alone in the streets like that. Especially since he did nothing wrong to her, other then expressing an opposing political view, that she brought up in the first place. She then left a message later on saying that we can both come back but she was reluctant about allowing my x boyfriend back and then eventually she left a message saying that we can both come back and she seemed much more calm this time. However, as is typical with her, there was no apology for throwing me and my xboyfriend out during a pandemic. I have since decided not to listen to any further messages from her since I did not want to upset myself further. My sister told me that my mom feels awful now and is upset that I won’t respond to her. My sister said that my mom seems somewhat apologetic but since she has never once apologized to me in my whole life I am not expecting this time to be any different.

 

i have now decided to cut her out of my life fro good. I realize she has done a lot for me...such as taking me on trips and giving me a few cars but there is always a price to pay in the end..and that is that I have to take a lot of her crap for it..but now I am finished!!This time she pushed me too far. I just can’t imagine a mother throwing her own daughter and her friend in the streets during a pandemic...especially after I gave up my apartment to help her!! And all because my xboyfriend expressed a different opinion! Now my x boyfriend and myself are living in a cheap hotel and searching for a new place to live. It is not easy during a pandemic!!

Am I right to cut my mom out of my life a this point? Would others do the same if they were in my shoes? I just don’t want to deal with her toxicity anymore. I would love others input? I would love to know if I sound justified in my decision to cut her out now for good? Thanks in advance.

 

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Sounds like a blessing in disguise. Your sister is a flying monkey doing the dirty work of guilt tripping you - might be a good idea to limit contact with her for now as well.

You gave up your apartment to take care of her while she was sick, and she in turn kicked you out during a pandemic.

Good luck on apartment hunting. She brought this on, she can live with those consequences.

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14 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

Sounds like a blessing in disguise. Your sister is a flying monkey doing the dirty work of guilt tripping you - might be a good idea to limit contact with her for now as well.

You gave up your apartment to take care of her while she was sick, and she in turn kicked you out during a pandemic.

Good luck on apartment hunting. She brought this on, she can live with those consequences.

Thankyou so much for taking the time out to read my very very long message and offering a very good response!👍👍

It is ashame that it has to be my own mother but I guess it is what it is! Glad to know that someone can relate and isn’t giving me the usual “ well, it’s your mom. You only have one...blah, blah blah” because I think in some cases it is better to have no parents than lousy ones that just want to bring negativity into their kids lives!

Well thanks again!😄

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13 hours ago, chumly said:

Thankyou so much for taking the time out to read my very very long message and offering a very good response!👍👍

It is ashame that it has to be my own mother but I guess it is what it is! Glad to know that someone can relate and isn’t giving me the usual “ well, it’s your mom. You only have one...blah, blah blah” because I think in some cases it is better to have no parents than lousy ones that just want to bring negativity into their kids lives!

Well thanks again!😄

People that say "but they're family" usually are enablers/abusers or they have the luxury of not dealing with that crap on a regular basis.

What use is an apology if the person never adjusts their behavior and just keeps apologizing? At that point it's just a lie.

Why does family mean we put up with all kinds of awful behavior we wouldn't tolerate from others? Society has brainwashed us with some pretty horrible family beliefs that can ruin lives. I am trying to deprogram myself and it's tough when you live with your family.

I think this pandemic will lead to a reckoning in a lot of families (you can see it in China with the rise in divorce rates after lockdown ended).

Hopefully you will be able to find a rental at a good price since most people aren't looking at moving right now. Good luck!

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5 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

People that say "but they're family" usually are enablers/abusers or they have the luxury of not dealing with that crap on a regular basis.

What use is an apology if the person never adjusts their behavior and just keeps apologizing? At that point it's just a lie.

Why does family mean we put up with all kinds of awful behavior we wouldn't tolerate from others? Society has brainwashed us with some pretty horrible family beliefs that can ruin lives. I am trying to deprogram myself and it's tough when you live with your family.

I think this pandemic will lead to a reckoning in a lot of families (you can see it in China with the rise in divorce rates after lockdown ended).

Hopefully you will be able to find a rental at a good price since most people aren't looking at moving right now. Good luck!

wow! That is such great advice and such interesting insight too! What you said about those who push the “ deal with it cause it’s family “ probably don’t deal with abuse themselves!  I did not realize that about China! Sooooo interesting!  👍

Yes, maybe the old worn out beliefs that have caused people to deal with so much mistreatment within families need to be re-evaluated.

Thanks again for such terrific insight! And also thanks for the good wishes on the apartment search!

People like you really make this site one of the best place on the Internet. You should be a therapist if you are not one already!👍👍😀👌😀👍Thanks again!👍😄👍😄👍😄👍😄👍😄

 

 

 

I agree totally with your beliefs on an “ apology “

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10 hours ago, chumly said:

wow! That is such great advice and such interesting insight too! What you said about those who push the “ deal with it cause it’s family “ probably don’t deal with abuse themselves!  I did not realize that about China! Sooooo interesting!  👍

Yes, maybe the old worn out beliefs that have caused people to deal with so much mistreatment within families need to be re-evaluated.

Thanks again for such terrific insight! And also thanks for the good wishes on the apartment search!

People like you really make this site one of the best place on the Internet. You should be a therapist if you are not one already!👍👍😀👌😀👍Thanks again!👍😄👍😄👍😄👍😄👍😄

 

 

 

I agree totally with your beliefs on an “ apology “

Oh I am so dysfunctional it's seeping out of my ears lol. But because I am quarantined with family, my mental state has been pushed to the edge. Other people are learning how to cook and code during quarantine, I'm trying to learn how to become strong mentally. Youtube videos have been a huge source of helpful info!

This site has always been a source of support when I had no one, so it's great to help others too 😃

 

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12 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

Oh I am so dysfunctional it's seeping out of my ears lol. But because I am quarantined with family, my mental state has been pushed to the edge. Other people are learning how to cook and code during quarantine, I'm trying to learn how to become strong mentally. Youtube videos have been a huge source of helpful info!

This site has always been a source of support when I had no one, so it's great to help others too 😃

 

I will have to check out the YouTube sites myself. The funny thing is that my mom messaged me today to try and make peace. That is the thing she always does instead of apologizing. ...as the true narcissist that she is.😒


I was initially not going to message her back but I decided that I could maybe make peace while keeping my distance and protecting myself. It actually did make me feel a bit better too...she initially snapped at me for not being warmer in my response to her. She reminded me that she is going for her operation. ..typical manipulative crap without a care for the fact the she threw me and my friend to the streets during a pandemic. I was going to initially snap back too but I decided to be the better person once again. She then responded back saying that she loves me and that I always have a home wherever she is. I thanked her and signed off with “ love “ too...although I am not sure how honest I was being with the “ love” part as it is difficult to love someone that makes a habit of abusing me. ..but I still used it anyway. I did apologize for the name calling I did to her since I did feel guilty about that but that is all she will get from me at this point, unless she gets help...and she is lucky to even get that much...but I think I did it more for my benefit than hers. I do feel quite a bit better now!😀😊😀👍..and maybe that is the important thing in the end.👍😄👍😄😉

Thanks so much for the great advice! You are so insightful so I think you are really gaining a lot of wisdom from your situation. Do you have any YouTube videos you can recommend?👍😊👍😊

Thanks so much again for helping another human being at a very low point!!!👍😊👍😊👍😊👍😊👍😊

 

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On 4/20/2020 at 7:05 PM, Kogent5 said:

Oh I am so dysfunctional it's seeping out of my ears lol. But because I am quarantined with family, my mental state has been pushed to the edge. Other people are learning how to cook and code during quarantine, I'm trying to learn how to become strong mentally. Youtube videos have been a huge source of helpful info!

We are in the same boat, comrade. Every day of this has been a challenge. 

I hope you can come out of this stronger.

 

And Chumly, 

I am sorry you have to put up with your mother. We don't get to choose the family we're born with, but I firmly believe it's okay to cut those people out and replace them with the family that you *do* choose. Friends, partner, etc. 

Everyone has some sort of redeeming quality. It doesn't mean much. If your mom is causing you distress so often and refuses to actually change, you're allowed to walk away. It seems to me like you've given her many chances at redemption already. 

I know how exhausting constant arguments can be, especially with people who are impossibly sensitive and hate being wrong. 

Of course, it's your call. 

Good luck. 

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On 4/20/2020 at 10:40 PM, chumly said:

I will have to check out the YouTube sites myself. The funny thing is that my mom messaged me today to try and make peace. That is the thing she always does instead of apologizing. ...as the true narcissist that she is.😒


I was initially not going to message her back but I decided that I could maybe make peace while keeping my distance and protecting myself. It actually did make me feel a bit better too...she initially snapped at me for not being warmer in my response to her. She reminded me that she is going for her operation. ..typical manipulative crap without a care for the fact the she threw me and my friend to the streets during a pandemic. I was going to initially snap back too but I decided to be the better person once again. She then responded back saying that she loves me and that I always have a home wherever she is. I thanked her and signed off with “ love “ too...although I am not sure how honest I was being with the “ love” part as it is difficult to love someone that makes a habit of abusing me. ..but I still used it anyway. I did apologize for the name calling I did to her since I did feel guilty about that but that is all she will get from me at this point, unless she gets help...and she is lucky to even get that much...but I think I did it more for my benefit than hers. I do feel quite a bit better now!😀😊😀👍..and maybe that is the important thing in the end.👍😄👍😄😉

Thanks so much for the great advice! You are so insightful so I think you are really gaining a lot of wisdom from your situation. Do you have any YouTube videos you can recommend?👍😊👍😊

Thanks so much again for helping another human being at a very low point!!!👍😊👍😊👍😊👍😊👍😊

 

There are "narcissists" who have some selfish behavior and then there are people with "narcissistic personality disorder". It's like being sad vs. being depressed. I believe my brother has NPD. Any apology from him is fake - there is no action behind it, it's all a game to him. He loves creating chaos. I don't know if your mom is NPD. Whatever the label is, how she has treated you is wrong.

Glad that you were able to handle things in a way that puts you first! It might be that living apart is the best thing for your relationship. Every time she tries to provoke you, just remember that what she wants is the reaction. Keep practicing staying calm and collected. I'm trying to put this into practice every day for the last few weeks - it's SO hard and I suck at it and I cry every day but I also feel proud of myself. It's a little bit exciting to feel in control when I'm so used to feeling helpless with my family!

My favorite youtube channel dealing with NPD is DoctorRamani. I also like The Little Shaman, Michele Lee Nieves Coaching, and Inner Integration.

Everything sucks right now, even without dealing with our toxic families. Some days I just don't want to exist anymore. Find things that give you little bits of healthy escape. For me, I like to look at apartments for rent. Have hope, not expectations 👍

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7 hours ago, Dioxeon said:

We are in the same boat, comrade. Every day of this has been a challenge. 

I hope you can come out of this stronger.

I hope you do too! Every day is hard - even the peaceful ones because you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to have enough mental strength to move out when this is over.

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22 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

There are "narcissists" who have some selfish behavior and then there are people with "narcissistic personality disorder". It's like being sad vs. being depressed. I believe my brother has NPD. Any apology from him is fake - there is no action behind it, it's all a game to him. He loves creating chaos. I don't know if your mom is NPD. Whatever the label is, how she has treated you is wrong.

Glad that you were able to handle things in a way that puts you first! It might be that living apart is the best thing for your relationship. Every time she tries to provoke you, just remember that what she wants is the reaction. Keep practicing staying calm and collected. I'm trying to put this into practice every day for the last few weeks - it's SO hard and I suck at it and I cry every day but I also feel proud of myself. It's a little bit exciting to feel in control when I'm so used to feeling helpless with my family!

My favorite youtube channel dealing with NPD is DoctorRamani. I also like The Little Shaman, Michele Lee Nieves Coaching, and Inner Integration.

Everything sucks right now, even without dealing with our toxic families. Some days I just don't want to exist anymore. Find things that give you little bits of healthy escape. For me, I like to look at apartments for rent. Have hope, not expectations 👍

Wow!!! You are so great!! Such great advice here again! 

 

On 4/21/2020 at 11:02 PM, Dioxeon said:

We are in the same boat, comrade. Every day of this has been a challenge. 

I hope you can come out of this stronger.

 

And Chumly, 

I am sorry you have to put up with your mother. We don't get to choose the family we're born with, but I firmly believe it's okay to cut those people out and replace them with the family that you *do* choose. Friends, partner, etc. 

Everyone has some sort of redeeming quality. It doesn't mean much. If your mom is causing you distress so often and refuses to actually change, you're allowed to walk away. It seems to me like you've given her many chances at redemption already. 

I know how exhausting constant arguments can be, especially with people who are impossibly sensitive and hate being wrong. 

Of course, it's your call. 

tGood luck. 

Thankyou so much for your insight on this as well! It really helps to have others relate to me and offer me advice and not act like there is something wrong with me for not wanting to deal with my mom again at this point! :)

 

I really appreciate the advice and thanks so much again for the support! :)

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22 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

There are "narcissists" who have some selfish behavior and then there are people with "narcissistic personality disorder". It's like being sad vs. being depressed. I believe my brother has NPD. Any apology from him is fake - there is no action behind it, it's all a game to him. He loves creating chaos. I don't know if your mom is NPD. Whatever the label is, how she has treated you is wrong.

Glad that you were able to handle things in a way that puts you first! It might be that living apart is the best thing for your relationship. Every time she tries to provoke you, just remember that what she wants is the reaction. Keep practicing staying calm and collected. I'm trying to put this into practice every day for the last few weeks - it's SO hard and I suck at it and I cry every day but I also feel proud of myself. It's a little bit exciting to feel in control when I'm so used to feeling helpless with my family!

My favorite youtube channel dealing with NPD is DoctorRamani. I also like The Little Shaman, Michele Lee Nieves Coaching, and Inner Integration.

Everything sucks right now, even without dealing with our toxic families. Some days I just don't want to exist anymore. Find things that give you little bits of healthy escape. For me, I like to look at apartments for rent. Have hope, not expectations 👍

Thanks also for the YouTube recommendations. :)

After doing a bit or research it would seem that my mom is probably not a total narcisist but she definitely seems to have some of the qualities and I do believe she was abusive to me on an emotional level!! 

I am so sorry for what you are going through! You seem to be such a nice and giving person. I have a feeling things will change for you because you sound like you have a really great head on your shoulders! I really like your suggestion of finding things that give even just a little escape! For me it could be a favorite TV show or a favorite snack. I like your looking for apartments idea too and that is something I need to do anyway.:)

I also love your quote..."have hope, not expectations". 

Thanks so much once again!:)

 

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