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samadhiSheol

Career, or lack thereof. A steady decline.

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Apart from being a born pessimist, one of the main reasons why I am so frustrated, jaded and hopeless is my work life. 

Since my first ever job I have been disappointed and bored to death. I have only managed entry level, low pay, dead end jobs in the 30 odd years I have been working. I have disliked everyone of them.

The reason being I really have never had a clue what I want. Nothing has ever filled me with enthusiasm or passion. I don't have any standing interests.

I have tried studying in various fields but I never managed to get myself into college or university. I eventually got a basic degree in graphic arts(read: advertising) , which didn't interest me in the least. It was the only school that would take me in and somehow I managed to scrape through. I don't have a head for studying. I don't have a head for anything, it would appear 

I read a lot, but it all seems pointless as it appears the last thing this world needs is someone with redundant data in his head.

I know a lot of stuff I DO NOT want. The less I am around people (other than my choosing) the better is one. All the jobs I have had I wouldn't want to do again.

I am more interested in inanimate objects than in people. I prefer books , stars, trees and whiskey to people, anytime. None of it is of any use to me though. It takes my mind off things, the few "interests" I have, but other than that it's all pretty pointless. I never really get anywhere with my so called "interests". PProbablybecause I don't really want anything I suppose.

I am now over fifty, had a bad case of burnout 15 years ago and on the same road again. I am sick and tired of the rinse and repeat that is my life. I know my bounderies now and I am at the very edge of being able to cope. I fear if I do break down again there will be no coming back. In fact I know it.

People do break, you know. People become irrecoverably broken and I am pretty much there now.

I feel to old to carry on. I am scared sh itless of losing the job I have as much as I hate it. The thought of unenployment(again, i have been unemployed a few times, the longest period being 1,5 years I hated every minute of it, unemployment takes your self esteem, if you're lucky enough to have any, into minus figures) scares me at this age and with my non-existent "skills" and lack of interests I don't stand a chance on the job market. Retirement is pretty much a death sentence from where I stand. A pittance for an income, failing health..why the f uck would I look forward to that?!

All my life I have accepted my lot. But I am fed up with doing that anymore.  I am fed up being borderline poor. I am fed up with this ..I don't even know what "this" is but it has taken it's toll to the extent that I have given up. 

I see no hope anywhere. Especially now when everything is crashing down around our ears. I have been "hanging on" for so long now it's ridiculous. No point in that either as I am clearly impotent to make any changes. I have tried enough times to know that now.

I can't see a place for myself anywhere. 

I don't know what to do anymore. The "good" stuff in my life isn't enough to keep me going anymore. I am not sure it was enough to begin with.

I have been lost my whole life and it is only now I realize I wasn't supposed to be here to begin with.

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Posted (edited)

@samadhiSheol I can't add anything useful here. You and I have similar outlooks on jobs/careers. I'm suffering massive burnout from dealing with politics, both internal and external at work for decades. I'm at the point I just want to isolate myself in some cabin out in the woods and ignore the rest of humanity from here on out. I don't belong with them anyway.

Edited by JD4010

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I can only relay my unique perspective.

I have learned to rely on my handy, helpful, hopeful metaphors.

I drop big, bad, bold, bolder metaphorical boulders on any and all negative thoughts, crappy memories and useless emotional baggage.

Anyone can obtain a poetic license to sKILL a more or less FUNctional destiny.

Crazy? Yes.

Not doing it? More crazy.

Oscar

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

@samadhiSheol I can't add anything useful here. You and I have similar outlooks on jobs/careers. I'm suffering massive burnout from dealing with politics, both internal and external at work for decades. I'm at the point I just want to isolate myself in some cabin out in the woods and ignore the rest of humanity from here on out. I don't belong with them anyway.

I think that's what I'm doing now in a trailer.  I'm done with people.  Thank god I don't fit in with them!  As far as lack of career goes my first job was when I was 11 mowing grass.  30 years later I'm still doing the same thing.  I'm the biggest loser on earth.

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Apart from being a born pessimist, one of the main reasons why I am so frustrated, jaded and hopeless is my work life. 

Since my first ever job I have been disappointed and bored to death. I have only managed entry level, low pay, dead end jobs in the 30 odd years I have been working. I have disliked everyone of them.

The reason being I really have never had a clue what I want. Nothing has ever filled me with enthusiasm or passion. I don't have any standing interests.

I have tried studying in various fields but I never managed to get myself into college or university. I eventually got a basic degree in graphic arts(read: advertising) , which didn't interest me in the least. It was the only school that would take me in and somehow I managed to scrape through. I don't have a head for studying. I don't have a head for anything, it would appear 

I read a lot, but it all seems pointless as it appears the last thing this world needs is someone with redundant data in his head.

I know a lot of stuff I DO NOT want. The less I am around people (other than my choosing) the better is one. All the jobs I have had I wouldn't want to do again.

I am more interested in inanimate objects than in people. I prefer books , stars, trees and whiskey to people, anytime. None of it is of any use to me though. It takes my mind off things, the few "interests" I have, but other than that it's all pretty pointless. I never really get anywhere with my so called "interests". PProbablybecause I don't really want anything I suppose.

I am now over fifty, had a bad case of burnout 15 years ago and on the same road again. I am sick and tired of the rinse and repeat that is my life. I know my bounderies now and I am at the very edge of being able to cope. I fear if I do break down again there will be no coming back. In fact I know it.

People do break, you know. People become irrecoverably broken and I am pretty much there now.

I feel to old to carry on. I am scared sh itless of losing the job I have as much as I hate it. The thought of unenployment(again, i have been unemployed a few times, the longest period being 1,5 years I hated every minute of it, unemployment takes your self esteem, if you're lucky enough to have any, into minus figures) scares me at this age and with my non-existent "skills" and lack of interests I don't stand a chance on the job market. Retirement is pretty much a death sentence from where I stand. A pittance for an income, failing health..why the f uck would I look forward to that?!

All my life I have accepted my lot. But I am fed up with doing that anymore.  I am fed up being borderline poor. I am fed up with this ..I don't even know what "this" is but it has taken it's toll to the extent that I have given up. 

I see no hope anywhere. Especially now when everything is crashing down around our ears. I have been "hanging on" for so long now it's ridiculous. No point in that either as I am clearly impotent to make any changes. I have tried enough times to know that now.

I can't see a place for myself anywhere. 

I don't know what to do anymore. The "good" stuff in my life isn't enough to keep me going anymore. I am not sure it was enough to begin with.

I have been lost my whole life and it is only now I realize I wasn't supposed to be here to begin with.

Has it ever occurred to you that you're an excellent writer?  Have you thought that maybe all the pained and painful posts you've made here could be compiled into a book--a journal, of sorts--to give the public a better idea of what depression and hopelessness are about? 

I'm sure people tell you that your life does, in fact, have meaning, and I know that thought has been completely unacceptable to you. But your passionate vitriol cannot be ignored in this forum.  It might eventually be ignored in a publication or book but, as repugnant this idea may be, you will actually have given something to the world you hate before you go.  You have talent and--just this woman's opinion--I think wasting talent is a painful mistake.

Edited by womanofthelight

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6 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Has it ever occurred to you that you're an excellent writer?  Have you thought that maybe all the pained and painful posts you've made here could be compiled into a book--a journal, of sorts--to give the public a better idea of what depression and hopelessness are about? 

I'm sure people tell you that your life does, in fact, have meaning, and I know that thought has been completely unacceptable to you. But your passionate vitriol cannot be ignored in this forum.  It might eventually be ignored in a publication or book but, as repugnant this idea may be, you will actually have given something to the world you hate before you go.  You have talent and--just this woman's opinion--I think wasting talent is a painful mistake.

Thanks, WOTL, but this isn't talent. We all express ourselves well on df. I am nothing special. 

Besides, this is ALL I am capable of writing about and I hate doing it. I am venting, nothing more and it isn't helping me at all. 

I wouldn't want to read this. I am writing about complete hopelessness and how effed up we all are. I get no satisfaction, no release from any of this.

There is little point writing more. It's all be said anyhow. I have been repeating myself since day one and besides, you have all been there.

There is little point writing about all this to the gen.pop. who haven't experienced what we do either. At the end of the day they never get it, unless they have been there themselves. Besides, it's already been done . "Noonday Demon", "Lost Connections"..to name a couple of books. There is nothing I can add.

There was a time I thought that venting was a good thing. For me, it isn't. I am fuelling my anger, hatred and despair with every word I write. I am making myself worse. Reading about your experiences with your respective issues makes me feel worse. I have never understood how it could be a consolation knowing "you're not alone". It makes no sense to me. It just underlines the fact that we are all screwed. 

Before I joined df, suicide was just a thought. Nowadays it is something I am pretty sure I will do. This venting, these pointless words just makes everything I feel more tangible. 

I don't want this crap. I don't want an audience. I want to feel good, I don't want to feel like this.

As far as I can see, I am doing myself a gross disservice  with my scribblings. Call me selfish, but if contributing by making yourself sicker, I am not interested in the least, even if someone does find solace in my scribblings. I still can't see how that can be possible.

At the end of the day, I just don't understand people. I don't understand myself, hell I don't know who I am,  so no surprise really.

I should quit df. For good. I really should.

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10 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Has it ever occurred to you that you're an excellent writer?  Have you thought that maybe all the pained and painful posts you've made here could be compiled into a book--a journal, of sorts--to give the public a better idea of what depression and hopelessness are about? 

I'm sure people tell you that your life does, in fact, have meaning, and I know that thought has been completely unacceptable to you. But your passionate vitriol cannot be ignored in this forum.  It might eventually be ignored in a publication or book but, as repugnant this idea may be, you will actually have given something to the world you hate before you go.  You have talent and--just this woman's opinion--I think wasting talent is a painful mistake.

You forgot to mention how all what you posted can translate to steady, basic income for samadhiSheol.

And @samadhiSheol, have you considered disability welfare/benefits for your mental condition? To be frank employment should be the last resort when all efforts & attempts to get disability welfare/benefits have failed.

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1 hour ago, iWantRope said:

You forgot to mention how all what you posted can translate to steady, basic income for samadhiSheol.

And @samadhiSheol, have you considered disability welfare/benefits for your mental condition? To be frank employment should be the last resort when all efforts & attempts to get disability welfare/benefits have failed.

 I am fully functioning. I am at work as write this. Anyone seeing me from the outside wouldn't see anything out of the ordinary. I work. I pay my bills. I work out. I read. Yet I am screaming inside, I have been screaming inside for decades WHAT IS THE F UCKING POINT IN ANYTHING i DO????

I just hate my job. I have hated working full stop. Not because I am a lazy f uck, but because I have failed to find anything I am good at and I get bored easily.  I don't believe whatever I "have" is a "disability" or a mental condition. I think the mainstream treatment of any mental health issue is fundamentally wrong if it doesn't address the circumstances and personality in treatment. Mainstream treatament is not interested in "a fullfilling life" or "living your passion", it wants people do do whatever is consider their bit in society, which is all good and well if you subscribe  given society and it's norms and you can find your niche within  given society.

I was on disability  for burnout (actually at the time the doc put me down as depressed though he said it was burnout, depression was a secondary symptom, but I would not get benefits for burnout as the insurance policies don't recognize burnout as a medical condition, not in my neck of the woods anyhow. Perhaps nowhere, though it should be)for a year 15 years ago and then unempoyment benefits for over a year after that. It sucked big time. I will not go there again. It made me feel like a non-person and if I ever end up there again it's game over for me, I'm gone. At my age I stand little chance in the job market. Living on a pittance is not an option. For me it is not a life worth living.

Society doesn't goive a flying  **** about you once you drop off the wagon. So why should I care about society? You become an expenditure  and I'll be  ****ed if I ever go down that road again.

If I could have one wish, it would be to paid to do something interesting on my own, not being bothered by people. And not giving a f uck about anything else. Call me selfish, perhaps I am.

Or perhaps I am just the loser.

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2 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

...and again I apologize. 

My outbursts are unacceptable.

I am just so worried..about everything.

It's fine.  Who wouldn't be worried about everything right now?  Life right now has a feeling of us all being on a plane and the pilots are monkeys.

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Posted (edited)
On 3/31/2020 at 9:28 PM, samadhiSheol said:

Thanks, WOTL, but this isn't talent. We all express ourselves well on df. I am nothing special. 

Long Atra post. Could've split this one into 6 piece nuggets with ranch dipping sauce, leave a piece here and another on your blogs and your MNES posts but no. Imma be me. 

 

I absolutely agree with WOTL and I absolutely disagree with the "yeah, but" attached afterwards - that's your mind filtering. I'll add to her observation my own: you have read quite a lot, always drawing interesting quotes from books to relate a concept that has in turn made me (and others) thoughtful about the concept and the author. Do you think no one notices this? If I haven't mentioned before, I admire this about you.

Your knowledge and perspectives on matters science, philosophy and music - I admire those, too. This isn't me blowing smoke, I'm holding up a mirror to you. Hand-wave this away but I think you could be a decent teacher of some kind, if ever you could call a truce in this on-going battle between you and mediocrity. 

 

I don't get to see all the respectable and decent and admirable aspects of you and how you live life @samadhiSheol, I only get to see what you let pass through the lens of your torment. Yet even now, some of your admirable qualities are visible though the cracks.

For example, in almost all your writings you demonstrate critical thinking - my goodness even in your rants sometimes! Critical thinking is not commonplace nor is it a banal skill. Sometimes I observe when you're not using critical thinking - deriding, insulting yourself or your life instead. That's understandable when your tormented mind and emotional states obstruct its use. And why it is valuable to consider the observations of others here. We're holding up a mirror. 

 

I was reading your blogs and noticed how you devalue your intelligence citing it's impracticality - well, actually first you doubt it, then dismiss it as useless in un-f*cking your situation. Hey my friend no human can un-f*ck himself. The tormented mind cannot fix itself, we all need to trust in help outside us. Your suffering seems more acute right now so with compassion and respect I'm asking you, give yourself a break please. 

"Yeah, but... " go on, show me your "buts" so I can kick em 😆 

I wonder if reflecting your favorable and likeable qualities back at you is painful for you? Maybe you'd rather go on believing in absolute certainty that you're crap rather than in uncertainty? If that's so, I'm not sorry if my words are making you uncomfortable with your belief in your self-loathing. 

 

Edited by Atra
How could I forget to mention your study of martial arts? I admire that too.

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I

@Atra, thank you for your post. 

I would be a fool to ignore what you have said. You could indeed be right. I need to give a lot of what you have said serious thought.

And again, all of you, I apologize for my vehemence and verbal abuse. It's uncalled for and though all the vitriol I have spewed does portray true feelings, nothing is ever as onesided, is it.

And here's the compuslory "but".. haha

Anything I have a done, learnt or thought has amounted to nothing at all and believe me when I say I haven't been devaluing myself and self-sabotaging all the time.

I am disappointed with myself and the way my life has turned out. A lot of my discontent and nihilism boils down to my work life, as I have stated before.

As "clever","intelligent" or "knowledgable" I appear to be, none of these characteristics have ever been recognized.

In other words, I have never been taken seriously, whenever I suggest something that hasn't been included in any of my limited respective job descriptions. People are satisfied when I clean up, drive a van or a forklift, but if I suggest or show interest in something more "cerebral" I am shrugged off.

I have never advanced in any area I have worked at. Probably because the jobs are the dead end kind and employers have had little interest in developing talent or cultivating interests.

I have been searching for something meaningful to do..to use my "abilities" so to speak. And get paid for it.

As the Tom Waits song goes:

"I'm going to do what I want 

And gonna get paid"

But it appears that the world is not interested. That alone can make me think that however clever or savvy I think I am, if the rest of the world doesn't acknowledge my "abilities"  it amounts to being little more than a drone and a stupid one at that.

Another thing that has made me think I am not really clever or intelligent is the fact I have never managed to get into university or college.

It's experiences like these that gives one little reason to believe in oneself or recognize "talent" or intelligence in onesself. Constantly ending in dead end jobs, ending up feeling the same, feeling burnt out and redundant.

Thing is, the stuff I would probably thrive doing is research. Turning out new knowledge or even makimg side notes as to what makes the world tick. 

Atoms, quarks, multidimensional universes, does time even exist, what happened 80 000 years ago or so that made people suddenly create what we now call "art"?? What made us stop being gatherer hunters and begin to cultivate our surroundings 15 000 or so years ago...who actually invented bread and HOW anyways?????

What is money and where is it? For real?

Who the f uck invented the term "depression. And the real reason why?

Etc.

I dunno. I am pretty much clueless as to what I can do.

Most of us sacrifice a third of our life or more at labor. Paying your way, selling your time.

A third of your life or more is quite a slice. I don't think it's unreasonable to think one should also enjoy some of it at least.

Cause if you have spent a third or more of your life in dissatisfaction and feeling inferior, not being able to use what you have if said talents even exist... It eats you from within until there is nothing left. Working your ass for a pittance and at the end of the day you barely have the energy to do some unwinding, let alone study or try and figure out what you can do other than what you ARE doing..

Well you can, for a while, but when nothing you do leads anywhere, after a decade or two of futile efforts, you eventually give up, exhausted empty and hopeless.

I have done so much in the past to make something of myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't see the point in putting in the effort if the world isn't interested.

 

 

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Atra said:

For example, in almost all your writings you demonstrate critical thinking - my goodness even in your rants sometimes! Critical thinking is not commonplace nor is it a banal skill. Sometimes I observe when you're not using critical thinking - deriding, insulting yourself or your life instead. That's understandable when your tormented mind and emotional states obstruct its use. And why it is valuable to consider the observations of others here. We're holding up a mirror. 

Now this..you might be on to something here too, @Atra.

Yes I suppose I do attack myself like a dysfunctional immune system..or perhaps it’s doing what it should do..haha.

But the way I see it, critical thinking is out of demand, at least looking at the way we are handling..er..the virus for example. No one cares about my “critical thinking”, anyhow. Not irl.

God we wouldn’t even be in this situation if any given establishment gave a f uck about critical thinking, science and expertise in any given discipline. At the very least we would be doing intelligent and humane damage control instead of panicking and  trying to avoid the proverbial crap hitting the proverbial fan. Another reason to be disillusioned, I guess.

Social media with it’s fake news, “alternative truth” hideousness doesn’t help either. Even the “serious” media seem to have been entrapped in “fake news” parlance. No, I think critical thinking and actually paying attention to what is being said has been thrown out of the window for easily palatable answers to questions that probably don’t have simple yes/no answers or answers at all but hey, a million likes, it has to be true, right???? And Trump/Putin/cretin leading the country of your choice has tweeted it!!! Course it’s true!!!!

Dunno who the real cretins are, ultimately.

Another can of worms of course, the way I see the world,. Yet it isn’t, not really. 

People like me aren’t given the chance to prove themselves as we are considered “flawed”, “impaired” or just maverick losers of life full of themselves. I dunno, perhaps that would be the right assessment. Or perhaps I could prove myself in the right environment. But does the appropriate environment even exist..I  don’t think so.

We don’t think like the majority. We don’t learn like the majority. We question the “self evident”, we question the establishment.  But as long we are just considered as disgruntled or “sick” voices from the cellar or worse, ignored completely,  in the “hey you’re just depressed,/mental issue of your choice,  you aren’t ACTUALLY  thinking this way”-way, there  isn’t a lot you can do.

You play by the book or don’t play at all and clean that damned floor will you! You’re a janitor, leave the thinking to us with degrees.

”Yet it moves” , I think to myself in the face of the ridicule.

I’m no Galileo though.

 

Haha.

He laughs, crying inside.

 

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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On 4/1/2020 at 5:18 AM, samadhiSheol said:

...and again I apologize. 

My outbursts are unacceptable.

I am just so worried..about everything.

you shouldn't apologize for your "outburst" you're venting and honestly that's a big part of what this website is here for. Life was already not great for many of us and right now with everything going on its just made everything seem less hopeful. Venting about it here helps a little in my opinion. and at least we can all support each other here at least virtually lol

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On 4/2/2020 at 6:42 AM, samadhiSheol said:

Anything I have a done, learnt or thought has amounted to nothing at all and believe me when I say I haven't been devaluing myself and self-sabotaging all the time

Man, this really resonates with me and probably others who are reading this thread. Since the conversation topic is careers, here's a summary of the cycle of disappointment in my worklife.

I've had 5 careers. I started each at the bottom rung with the intent to learn and apply myself, to be accountable, to work together with my team, to play by the rules. I always received good feedback on my work, I work hard. Then after a few years I didn't feel valued and after 5 to 10 years doing the same work I'd lose passion, get bored and disillusioned. Advancement peaked at one or two small steps. What was I missing? 

I beat myself up over that question most of my work life. What would've made a difference? Ah! A mentor. Defined as someone, usually a boss, who could help me by identifying my strengths plus any potential I have to grow and seeing the bigger picture of where I fit in the workplace.

Mentor = unicorn? In all my years of working I've had just one mentor boss. He saw my skills, realized how I could do so much more, and he actually set to work creating a position just for me in our department. Hooray! This is gonna be my Hollywood ending!

Ah no cause my boss was fired. Because like me, he rubbed up people higher in the ranks the wrong way. Me, I will eventually challenge/confront managers when they aren't supporting their subordinates, asking them... what exactly is the point of you? Yeah, I've said it. Sometimes I get fired for saying it. But that's ok it was time to move on. 

I have come to learn that I've come to learn... literally. When I've got nothing left to learn at a job and nowhere to go in the organization to learn more then I'm done. It don't matter that I'm really good at my current postion or what I'm being paid. Im done. And what of advancement? Being a really good worker doesn't mean that I want to eventually supervise workers so that eventually I can manage supervisors. Done that. Besides my role as mentor and coach the actual work of being a manager so bored me. The political maneuvering bored me too. I'm not cut out for that. 

 

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On 4/2/2020 at 8:25 AM, samadhiSheol said:

But the way I see it, critical thinking is out of demand

 

On 4/2/2020 at 8:25 AM, samadhiSheol said:

but hey, a million likes, it has to be true,

I try looking at dual truths that don't negate one another. Reason is valuable regardless of whether it seems fashionable. It's a core part of me, so I won't abandon it even if seems like everyone around me is. If critical thinking is among your core values, hold on to it. Dont lose yourself.

On the other hand, what resonates with people emotionally is always relevant - even if it isn't always reasonable. Some days, it seems like almost nobody in America gives a damn about the things I do. When I cannot connect with others on facts maybe I'll try to understand their feelings. What are they afraid of and how does that inform their choices, opinions and attitudes? I understand feelings like fear, envy, suspicion, desire, pride, etc and when I'm possessed by my emotions, it can be near impossible to create some space for logic. 

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Posted (edited)
On 4/5/2020 at 6:04 AM, Atra said:

Being a really good worker doesn't mean that I want to eventually supervise workers so that eventually I can manage supervisors.

@Atra, you made some good points that I can really relate to.  I most definitely do not want to be a supervisor.  The 'political maneuvering' bores me, too; but mostly it drives me crazy!

2 hours ago, Atra said:

I try looking at dual truths that don't negate one another.

Agreed, but often I do not need to do much looking.  Often it seems conflicts in the workplace consist of one 'side' insisting, "The sky is blue!", while the other 'side' insists, "The grass is green!"  Neither side seems to understand that the two viewpoints are not mutually exclusive.  

2 hours ago, Atra said:

... what resonates with people emotionally is always relevant - even if it isn't always reasonable.

Also, agreed.  Often this is what seems to lead to 'office politics' -- directly or indirectly.

I obviously do not know how to successfully handle these issues.  I say 'obviously' because I am out of a job and back in a depressive episode as a result of a situation containing these factors.  (Sorry, but I cannot explain further due to circumstances.)  

Edited by jkd_sd

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Posted (edited)
Just now, jkd_sd said:
  Just now, Atra said:

I try looking at dual truths that don't negate one another.

Barely on the subject,  this reminds me of a definition of dual truths that DO negate each other, and that's paradox.  I had a teacher who suggested that paradox blasts us to new awareness, can anyway.  Paradox is going around a lot right now. 

Bulgakov

Edited by Bulgakov

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18 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

 I say 'obviously' because I am out of a job and back in a depressive episode as a result of a situation containing these factors.

I'm sorry to hear the situation triggered a depressive episode and loss of income, that's quite a blow.

I get that you're unable to divulge details. If discussing your feelings about what happened at your former workplace (and getting feedback) might help, I welcome your sharing. 

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Posted (edited)

Samadhischeol:

It looks (and reads) to me that you kick yourself when you're already down, to keep you down, regardless of other peoples' opinions.  (And god knows giving a f uck about what other people think is the fastest way to self hatred and feelings of inferiority.  WOTL = Exhibit A, but leaving much, but not all, of that behind.) 

But that kicking thing may be easier than coming up for air and giving yourself a break by taking a risk.  I don't know.  You're self aware, but turn that awareness back on yourself, chew yourself up and spit yourself out, making painful judgments (what you may call observations) about yourself, and humanity, which shares the same flaws, along the way.  (Did that sentence make any sense?  Can't go back and look now. . . .)  

Maintaining this stance looks like it's a full time job.  Is it?   You must be exhausted.

 

 

Edited by womanofthelight
Inserted question in last line.

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On 3/31/2020 at 3:53 PM, samadhiSheol said:

Apart from being a born pessimist, one of the main reasons why I am so frustrated, jaded and hopeless is my work life. 

Since my first ever job I have been disappointed and bored to death. I have only managed entry level, low pay, dead end jobs in the 30 odd years I have been working. I have disliked everyone of them.

The reason being I really have never had a clue what I want. Nothing has ever filled me with enthusiasm or passion. I don't have any standing interests.

I have tried studying in various fields but I never managed to get myself into college or university. I eventually got a basic degree in graphic arts(read: advertising) , which didn't interest me in the least. It was the only school that would take me in and somehow I managed to scrape through. I don't have a head for studying. I don't have a head for anything, it would appear 

I read a lot, but it all seems pointless as it appears the last thing this world needs is someone with redundant data in his head.

I know a lot of stuff I DO NOT want. The less I am around people (other than my choosing) the better is one. All the jobs I have had I wouldn't want to do again.

I am more interested in inanimate objects than in people. I prefer books , stars, trees and whiskey to people, anytime. None of it is of any use to me though. It takes my mind off things, the few "interests" I have, but other than that it's all pretty pointless. I never really get anywhere with my so called "interests". PProbablybecause I don't really want anything I suppose.

I am now over fifty, had a bad case of burnout 15 years ago and on the same road again. I am sick and tired of the rinse and repeat that is my life. I know my bounderies now and I am at the very edge of being able to cope. I fear if I do break down again there will be no coming back. In fact I know it.

People do break, you know. People become irrecoverably broken and I am pretty much there now.

I feel to old to carry on. I am scared sh itless of losing the job I have as much as I hate it. The thought of unenployment(again, i have been unemployed a few times, the longest period being 1,5 years I hated every minute of it, unemployment takes your self esteem, if you're lucky enough to have any, into minus figures) scares me at this age and with my non-existent "skills" and lack of interests I don't stand a chance on the job market. Retirement is pretty much a death sentence from where I stand. A pittance for an income, failing health..why the f uck would I look forward to that?!

All my life I have accepted my lot. But I am fed up with doing that anymore.  I am fed up being borderline poor. I am fed up with this ..I don't even know what "this" is but it has taken it's toll to the extent that I have given up. 

I see no hope anywhere. Especially now when everything is crashing down around our ears. I have been "hanging on" for so long now it's ridiculous. No point in that either as I am clearly impotent to make any changes. I have tried enough times to know that now.

I can't see a place for myself anywhere. 

I don't know what to do anymore. The "good" stuff in my life isn't enough to keep me going anymore. I am not sure it was enough to begin with.

I have been lost my whole life and it is only now I realize I wasn't supposed to be here to begin with.

You're not alone. I'm 33 and 2 years ago I lost my job during a psychotic break when I deleted the websites I used to make money off of. I have a little bit of graphic design and marketing skill, but no degree and where I come from they won't take me without one. I tried out for so many jobs this year and got rejected for all of them. I am unemployed now for over 2 years living off of my family's income with no financial freedom at all. I don't know what I am supposed to do in this situation. I have no money to go to school and get a degree in something I could be doing but I don't even know what I would choose if I had the money. I'm not passionate about anything since I'm on medication and wish I could just retire but the prospect of retiring is gloomy for me as well because I barely have any work experience. I have nothing to fall back on to 

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Posted (edited)
On 4/10/2020 at 3:38 AM, womanofthelight said:

Samadhischeol:

It looks (and reads) to me that you kick yourself when you're already down, to keep you down, regardless of other peoples' opinions.  (And god knows giving a f uck about what other people think is the fastest way to self hatred and feelings of inferiority.  WOTL = Exhibit A, but leaving much, but not all, of that behind.) 

But that kicking thing may be easier than coming up for air and giving yourself a break by taking a risk.  I don't know.  You're self aware, but turn that awareness back on yourself, chew yourself up and spit yourself out, making painful judgments (what you may call observations) about yourself, and humanity, which shares the same flaws, along the way.  (Did that sentence make any sense?  Can't go back and look now. . . .)  

Maintaining this stance looks like it's a full time job.  Is it?   You must be exhausted.

 

 

So does everyhting else, feel exhausting that is. All the effort I have put in in trying to figure out who and what I am and what I want.

Dunno about exhausted, in all honesty,  but I am fed up. With myself. With the world. But mostly with myself and my failure at even knowing who I am, what I am about, what I want.

I have "taken risks" in my life but I don't see the point anymore. it all leads back to where I am now, where I have been most of my life. Clueless and superglued to a life I don't really want. It's not as if I don't "participate" in life. I am not gathering cobwebs or moss in a cellar(though admittedly my life feels exactly that). I take care of myself. I still have a job and in a relationship.

But this life doesn't feel right. it doesn't feel mine. But I don't know what would feel "mine". Looking at the world at is it is I see nothing worth the effort. So added to the negativity( I feel completely justifed feeling) about myself, there is the pessimism I feel about the world and humanity in general.

I am just a miserable old git with no prospects and nothing to look forward to. I see no point in putting in the effort anymore. I am just too much of a coward to do what I shoud and end my existence.

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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Well going to add my two bits or so here

1) college \ university has very little to do with intelligence especially when it comes to getting  in (it is all about memorization)

If you are using that as your measure of intelligence don't

2) you may not have a degree but it seems to me that you do very well in the realm of metaphysics, it is an place that you touch on a lot in your posts

perhaps if you want that degree that is a path worth looking at, but do not confine yourself to traditional brick schools, there is a world on line use it.

I could  go on about the number of jobs I have had or the fact that like you no one thinks anything is wrong when I am at work and not trapped in my own mind but you have heard it all before....

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