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How can I rebuild relationship with my father

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To put my long story short, since I was 6 or 7, my father practiced a number of verbal

and physical violence on me because of minor things that no one will remember. My 

mum cried and protected me every time. Since then I only talked to my mum about

everything and we lived like this. But after a year or two, he reduced or stopped the

violence at all but we did not talk to each other, not even a single word or hello (

definitely not). No one in the family intended to solve the problem and we lived like

this for a long time. My father is not educated, but he is never an alcoholic or gambler

so his violence on me wasn't because of alcohols or debts.

A few years after I became an adult, my mum passed away and for the first few years,

we had more talks, but I could still feel a big barrier between us. I feel like I am talking

to a stranger, rather than a father. I am never able to tell him my feeling at all. All our

talks are only "functional", like "the refrigerator goes wrong". "Brother said he would

not come back tonight". We never, ever had even one single time saying "How are you

today?" or "What are you doing recently".....

Even we have more talks now, compared to my younger age, we still never look at each

other, when we happen to see each other we look away habitually. When we talk or ask

questions, we never look at each other in the eyes.

I am really not able to tell how I feel. In the past, I once hated him so much, but now,

for many years I have already lost my hatred for him anyone, but I am still unable

to talk to him like a father, I am not able to rebuild our relationship. Our relationship

is like a scar, it's healed, but the scar never goes away.

Sorry I have only learnt English for a few years it is not my primary language. Hope I have

described my situation clearly.




Edited by louis2008
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Well, so much things. 

First would be good if you make the process to understand your father for yourself. I mean, process all this, see what you think about your father, he did the right things ? he was wrong ? it was his fault ? his mistakes are only because he dont have other tools to handle situations ? he made things on porpouse ? I mean, what you think of your father this days. 

Sometimes, people are just able to make things right. Some people just make mistakes, they act and dont think much in the consequences. They are flat. 

Does he looks like you could have a good relationship ? 

Maybe talk with him about the past, just start saying "hey, remember when...", and have a very solid conversation about the past, to clarify things. But, you have to know that the answers he can give you are not good.

Understand parents, and the past, is not easy, sometimes takes years, to undersatnd the situations they lived. 

Good luck.

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I know how you feel.  I'm in the same situation you are in for the most part.  You absolutely need a father right now.  My relationship at this point with my dad is we're both pretending to play our roles.  We will never have a real relationship.  We will never trust each other but if other people see it I'm sure they think it's real but it's mostly a show from both sides.

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Hi @louis2008,  I had a similar relationship with my father,  maybe weeks would go by in the house with silence from him. Other times were just practical talk as you say.  In fact in his native language, I still to this day cannot express emotional feeling.  

 I can't add much to @mmd reply except to try before it is too late.  I wish I had this advice maybe 30 years or more ago.  I wish you the best, and your English reads well.

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  • 2 months later...

It sounds like you havent fully forgiven him, and you still hold some ill feelings towards him. Remember, your the only that can forgive your father for his past and "restart" the relationship with him. Its really upto you. My father abandoned me when i was born, but when i had the chance i put the past behind me and pretended like nothing happened. I lost his details that he gave me, and we dont speak at all. I am always willing to let him back into my life, if he wants it. Your father is your father, as your mother passed, you will need him in your future. It is upto you, because i care about you. I say give him another chance and reignite the willingness to have him in your life with no regrets.

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