Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  

How can I rebuild relationship with my father

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

To put my long story short, since I was 6 or 7, my father practiced a number of verbal

and physical violence on me because of minor things that no one will remember. My 

mum cried and protected me every time. Since then I only talked to my mum about

everything and we lived like this. But after a year or two, he reduced or stopped the

violence at all but we did not talk to each other, not even a single word or hello (

definitely not). No one in the family intended to solve the problem and we lived like

this for a long time. My father is not educated, but he is never an alcoholic or gambler

so his violence on me wasn't because of alcohols or debts.

A few years after I became an adult, my mum passed away and for the first few years,

we had more talks, but I could still feel a big barrier between us. I feel like I am talking

to a stranger, rather than a father. I am never able to tell him my feeling at all. All our

talks are only "functional", like "the refrigerator goes wrong". "Brother said he would

not come back tonight". We never, ever had even one single time saying "How are you

today?" or "What are you doing recently".....

Even we have more talks now, compared to my younger age, we still never look at each

other, when we happen to see each other we look away habitually. When we talk or ask

questions, we never look at each other in the eyes.

I am really not able to tell how I feel. In the past, I once hated him so much, but now,

for many years I have already lost my hatred for him anyone, but I am still unable

to talk to him like a father, I am not able to rebuild our relationship. Our relationship

is like a scar, it's healed, but the scar never goes away.

Sorry I have only learnt English for a few years it is not my primary language. Hope I have

described my situation clearly.




Edited by louis2008

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, so much things. 

First would be good if you make the process to understand your father for yourself. I mean, process all this, see what you think about your father, he did the right things ? he was wrong ? it was his fault ? his mistakes are only because he dont have other tools to handle situations ? he made things on porpouse ? I mean, what you think of your father this days. 

Sometimes, people are just able to make things right. Some people just make mistakes, they act and dont think much in the consequences. They are flat. 

Does he looks like you could have a good relationship ? 

Maybe talk with him about the past, just start saying "hey, remember when...", and have a very solid conversation about the past, to clarify things. But, you have to know that the answers he can give you are not good.

Understand parents, and the past, is not easy, sometimes takes years, to undersatnd the situations they lived. 

Good luck.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Since I never had a very good relationship with my father, I am the last person to give advice.  I do hope things work out better between you and your father than occurred between my father and I ! 

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how you feel.  I'm in the same situation you are in for the most part.  You absolutely need a father right now.  My relationship at this point with my dad is we're both pretending to play our roles.  We will never have a real relationship.  We will never trust each other but if other people see it I'm sure they think it's real but it's mostly a show from both sides.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi @louis2008,  I had a similar relationship with my father,  maybe weeks would go by in the house with silence from him. Other times were just practical talk as you say.  In fact in his native language, I still to this day cannot express emotional feeling.  

 I can't add much to @mmd reply except to try before it is too late.  I wish I had this advice maybe 30 years or more ago.  I wish you the best, and your English reads well.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Create New...