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Self hate/pointlessness. Again.


samadhiSheol

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I pretty much said it all in the title.

I am a misanthropic miserable old pessimist and I see no reason to change my take of things life or people.

The thing is though, I have even more of a problem with myself. I see nothing worth saving in my self and I am at a loss as to what kind of person I could even like(as myself or anyone else for that matter). 

Yet I keep wondering, could there still be something out there to make all this ..living worth while. But I don't even know what it could look like.

None of the usual suspects like silencing the critical and deprecative self talk, loving yourself, forgiving yourself and self acceptance, the biggest question mark of all, make any kind of sense whatatsoever. 

I don't know how to be kind to myself. I see no reason to and I don't really know what it even means. I feel like I lie to myself and to everyone else too most of the time as I can't truly relate to anyone  or anything else. People mystify me but not in an intriguing way. 

I see myself as the same too. Within there appears to be absolutely nothing at all. Just something I have no interest in. 

What can I do? What is the point in existing this way?

This isn't life. This is like being a walking dead.

 

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I am truly sorry you are in such anguish.   😢

Sorry if this sounds simplistic and 'goody two-shoes', but maybe take the emphasis off of yourself by doing something for others.  My physician suggested to me volunteering at the local Humane Society.  I have only done so twice so far, but it lifted my spirits both times.

Animals do not pass judgment or criticize. You would not have the responsibility of ownership.  Also, I am willing to bet the view of you reflected back from them will be more complimentary than your opinion of yourself.  😉

Just a suggestion, and not even an original one.    Regardless, I wish you peace.

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Oh man,  I can empathise with your plight and suffering. I'm probably older than you and still search for answers and practises (healthy ones) that lessen the symptoms .  Feels like a lifetime of work.  One thing that does keep me going is my belief that we all are much more than just our thoughts.  

My 'thoughts' have got me into trouble mischief and conflict in the past even without conciously intending to do so (mostly I think).  Reaching for a deeper place I hope I can watch for these thoughts,  acknowlege them and see them from a different perspective,

If you can 'catch' your thoughts,  particulary the destructive or unhelpful ones,  you will be observing your thoughts from the deeper place.  It of course immensly helpful to write down those particularly destructive (self loathing,  boy,  I know about that!) to help distance from these thoughts and gain a perspective on them.  So that when they return, it's easier to catch, distance and go to that deeper place.

I hope this doesn't come across as evangelising as I'm far from 'living the dream'.  In fact struggling to stay in this seat long enough to write this!

It's really useful that you have written these thoughts out and encourage you to keep on searching.

14 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Yet I keep wondering, could there still be something out there to make all this ..living worth while. But I don't even know what it could look like

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I like you man you feel like a brother to me.  I don't consider myself a pessimist.  If I say something like the only reason the government cares about the coronavirus is because they are terrified everyone on Medicare and Medicaid will get this virus and they will have to pay the bill is it pessimistic or probably the truth?  The truth is I feel exactly the way you do but at the same time don't understand you feeling that way about yourself because I don't feel that way about you at all.  I like you and know we could be great friends if we knew each other in real life.

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