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this feels impossible


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I mentioned in my last post that the corona virus was really debilitating me and flaring up my OCD, and that was when there was only 1 case in my city. There are now over 100. My university kicked us all out, and I had to take a leave of absence from work and move back home with my family. I don’t mind that... I need to be with my mom right now, she’s recovering from a mastectomy and it’s good that I’m with her.  I don’t mind being home at all, actually. It’s nice to not have to leave home... I don’t have to wash my hands with scorching hot water every 2 seconds and further abuse them by lathering them with hand sanitizer.  My hands were so dry they were cracking and bleeding and burned whenever I tried to moisturize them. I guess it seems innocent enough that I enjoy being home, but it’s not really when you consider the fact I’m almost completely agoraphobic. But hey... not my fault I got sent home from school! I’m just indulging in the fact that I don’t have to go anywhere, lol. The pressure is off, so to speak. (And yet in many ways, it is not.) It’s just hard... you never think you’ll have to live out your biggest fears and yet here I am. Living them out in excruciating detail... a worldwide pandemic. Hmmm. Has a spicy ring to it, doesn’t it? I feel very lonely. I’m not sure people understand when I tell them this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. It’s on the news 24/7, it’s all doom and gloom and life or death. I have to think about that stuff all the time anyway, so it sucks to hear other people talk about it. When the person with OCD is the most rational in the room, you know you have an issue. We don’t even have access to groceries around here- people are panicking that bad.  I had two hours to move my things out of my dorm, and on the way back my dad drove me by my favorite place to sit in the city, a small dock on the water. I go there to sit and think about my life... I’ve always told my mom it’s impossible to not be happy there. Just a week ago I was sitting there with my legs hung over the side, a smile on my face thinking “things are going to be okay.” I had just scheduled a therapists appointment for myself. (Which I had to cancel because I had to leave the city.) It’s crazy to think how much has changed in that week. It’s crazy to look back at a week ago and think “wow, I was so much happier then.” When in reality, last week I was thinking about the week before and thinking the same thing. I guess we never know how good we have it until it’s gone, huh? I feel small right now... unheard amongst all this chaos. I feel so insignificant in so many ways. There is nothing I can do... I’m helpless to this scenario. I can’t live a life without control and well... that’s pretty much my whole life now. And trust me, I’m coping quite terribly. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, we’re all being affected negatively by this virus and my heart goes out to anyone struggling and suffering. I think things like these can bring out the worst in people... I know in this past week I’ve seen more undesirable traits from people I know than desirable... but all we can do is be there for each other. But in times like these, even just surviving through the morning news seems impossible. 

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