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I need intensive healing and much care

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I want to have a voice. I want to have some power in my voice as a ritual abuse victim.

I want to know that I matter. I want others to understand the weigh behind what I’ve gone through. I want others to not only look at someone else who looks like they’re worse than me.

It turns me off when I had no one to validate my own trauma history. It was also extreme. I want love. I was told that I was loved but I haven’t seen true love yet. I hope my wait is not pointless.

Those other victims got all the attention. I had none. They were validated again and again and I got none. They were loved again and again to be healed of their pain but I got none.

I don’t know why. This always reaffirm me as though I don’t matter. He said he loved me. How? I want to see actions. I’ve been more than faithful. I was ritualistically abused my entire life and got the perception of love twisted.

Loving this other victim is the same as loving me? I don’t know how to receive the care that I need, when it was directed to her instead. I never was having direct care.

Even after I’ve attempted suicide thrice and survived recently, she was still being taken care of and I never got the same care. In fact, I had none from him.

Why am I despised all the time? A man of sorrows? I’ve been abused enough and I got rejected of help. She kept smiling and being grateful for the help. I wished that I could smile by being helped also.

She is lifted up in my eyes. She made herself centre stage and I’m always in the background. I’m always the unknown, the unseen. Like a veil of the bride, I’m formless and invisible.

I’ve been humble. I believe the humble will be supported soon. The attention of him will be moving from her the older, L by initial and to me R, by initial the younger.

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Its not good to compare yourself to other people or have a victim mentality. What I mean is this is your body, your soul, your life and your one life and you live for this earth for maybe around 80 years on average and you want to spend that time enjoying it.

Rather than feel dejected that others around have gotten help it should be inspiring. If you do things the right way you can be accepted too.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/9/2020 at 3:42 AM, Infinite Sequence said:

to me R, by initial the younger

Hi R. We see you and thanks for making yourself known so now we're aware and can offer support and validation to you.

I read that you're also a survivor that went through the trauma and I read how you helped back then and I know that you are still helping now. I'm recognizing your importance and your need for healing, too - you deserve it. 

It's not your fault you were unseen but maybe it's also not L's fault that she is what most people see or saw. Since it's different here on DF (because nobody here is being seen visually) maybe things will be different for you and the others? I hope my words demonstrate that your voice being heard here. 

Now that you are all safer (I hope that you are) perhaps you will heal and we can get to know your systems in all their magnificence. 

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  • 2 months later...

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