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I received the following message from a friend..is it just me over-analyzing again? or is this somewhat of a cold thing to say to a friend?


chumly

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I am a female and a male friend that I had a small romantic encounter with at one time sent me the following message to me last night when he and I were discussing using "xoxo" at the end of our messages (something he and I have been doing for about 3 years)...

 

"I will tell you my true feelings about the xoxo. I don’t really think people should be sending “hugs and kisses” to someone unless they mean to deliver hugs and kisses.

 

We got into the habit and sometimes talk about actual hugs and kisses and that is OK.

 

I don’t end any other emails like that.

 

I don’t think it is a good thing to do.

 

Just being honest about my opinion."

 

 

Am I overanalyzing or is this kind of a cold and nasty thing to say to a friend? I have never had someone tell me they wanted to stop sending me "xoxo" message before. There is something that strikes me as quite cold and mean about this. To me "xoxo" means warm and friendly when sent to a friend and that is all I have ever interpreted it to mean when he sent it to me. I have other friends  that send me "xoxo" (both male and female friends) and I think nothing of it.  I could understand him saying that if he thought I was getting the wrong idea of the status of our relationship but I have made it very clear to him that I am on the same page with things as he is with me. He only wants to be friends with me and not pursue anything beyond the romantic encounter we had in the past and I am fine with that so I can't understand why he would say something like this to me and for that reason it strikes me as cold and it has bothered me ever since he sent the message to me last night. I feel like he is basically telling me that he does not want to be very warm and friendly anymore. I did respond back to ask him if that is what he is trying to say to me and I also asked him if he would please just tell me if he wants to end the friendship and/or cool down with me because I had rather him come out and tell me that if he feels that way and maybe explain why rather than ending things this way. He has not responded back as of yet.

 

Anyway, would this bother you to receive a message like this from a friend too? Or do you think I am reading too much into it? 

 

Thanks in advance.

 

 

 

 

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It sounds to me like he was concerned that the "xoxo" indicated that you thought that the relationship we more, or could become more, than he wanted. It was likely not to have been meant to be cold, but sometimes when men communicate directly - it can feel cold to us women. If it were me. I would say, "ok, no worries" and stop using the "xoxo." I expect that he had no intention of wanting to end the friendship - but was feeling uncomfortable with the level of affection he read into the "xoxo."

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1 hour ago, JessiesMom said:

It sounds to me like he was concerned that the "xoxo" indicated that you thought that the relationship we more, or could become more, than he wanted. It was likely not to have been meant to be cold, but sometimes when men communicate directly - it can feel cold to us women. If it were me. I would say, "ok, no worries" and stop using the "xoxo." I expect that he had no intention of wanting to end the friendship - but was feeling uncomfortable with the level of affection he read into the "xoxo."

Thanks so much for the response back! Yes, I am thinking that is probably what he meant as well but It sort of bothers me because I already know the status of the relationship so it felt like he was trying to rub it in more...as if to say, " Okay, are we perfectly clear on where we stand?" when it was completely unnecessary. ..as if he is going overboard to give me a message that I received from him long, long ago. In fact, the timing was extremely strange and suspicious the more I think about it....about 2 weeks ago he was being very flirty with me again in the emails and was talking as if he was wanting to go back into a romantic direction with me again . ..the talking simmered down and we seemed to have gone back into a platonic friend status again...so since it seemed to have faded between us again I was telling him about a man that was showing some interest in me . I was actually trying to get his opinion on the situation. I figured he would be okay with my telling him about this since he has always made it clear to me that his interest in me was more about the "friend" part as opposed to the occasional romance part. However, it was when I was explaining about my communication with this other potential romantic interest that he sent this message to me about our "xoxo's" to each other. It feels kind of suspicious now the more I think about it. ..almost like as if he said it to hurt me...maybe to retaliate for hurting him. ..something I did not mean to do. 

 

Perhaps it was insensitive of me to discuss this other man with him looking back but I was really only explaining how that man was showing an interest in me and I said that I did not have reciprocated feelings for him.  ..so it was not as though I was telling him about a man that I liked alot. I would never have done that. I was just telling him about how I was suspicious if this man was flirting with me a bit and I was trying to get a male perspective on it and that is why I was asking him about it...anyway, maybe my discussing this with him somehow upset him and maybe that was all this message was about. Maybe I was wrong for talking about that man with him the more I think about it. In fact, maybe I can try asking him if it bothered him and apologize just in case it did.

 

Anyway, thanks for your take on it. I really appreciate it.

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As a guy, with someone I had romantic encounters with if we decided to stay friends after that I feel in that context it would not be appropriate to xoxo especially if he no longer wants to given the history.

In general though I dont remain friends with former flames just because I dont feel like it is healthy or productive but it really depends on the individual.

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20 minutes ago, Evergreenforst4 said:

As a guy, with someone I had romantic encounters with if we decided to stay friends after that I feel in that context it would not be appropriate to xoxo especially if he no longer wants to given the history.

In general though I dont remain friends with former flames just because I dont feel like it is healthy or productive but it really depends on the individual.

Thanks so much for your take on it as well. I really appreciate it! He and I have been using xoxo's for over 3 years so it just seemed a bit peculiar that he would want to put an end to it now all of a sudden. Anyway, thanks again for the insight!

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@Evergreenforst4

I agree with you about not being friends with a former romantic relation. Personally I don't think It's healthy or good to be friends with them after being with them like that. For a lot of reasons I think (which I won't name to not start a debate) , however I can be wrong and for some people it works out just fine and both people are happy with there choice. They have every right to stay friends so if they're both happy then it's all good I guess. I just think it's strange and have my own views and opinions on it is all.

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  • 1 month later...
On 3/6/2020 at 11:25 AM, Shijima said:

@Evergreenforst4

I agree with you about not being friends with a former romantic relation. Personally I don't think It's healthy or good to be friends with them after being with them like that. For a lot of reasons I think (which I won't name to not start a debate) , however I can be wrong and for some people it works out just fine and both people are happy with there choice. They have every right to stay friends so if they're both happy then it's all good I guess. I just think it's strange and have my own views and opinions on it is all.

Thanks for your thoughts on this 

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  • 2 months later...

You are half right. We usually should not send hugs and kisses to someone we dont love, however we should always send hugs and kisses to people we communicate with. I recommend you do that for everyone you communicate with that is close to you. Whether they are a close friend or someone we are not close to. It creates a good bond with the person you send it to, hypothetically. Doing it can create good friendships, its very superficial, but dont take it at first value. Showing love to others in small ways has deep meanings. 

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