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Hey.

My friends who somehow knows how i feel like keep recommending me like finding a pro - help from a therapist or they're like "i'm here for you" bla bla bla bla. And like i'm so sick of hearing all the basic wiki-how:to-save-your-friend-from-suicidal-thoughts bullshit. Don't get me wrong, i like my friends and i know they mean it well, but...To be honest, i really regret telling them at the first place  - no i actually hate the fact they know. Because somehow it seems so selfish from me, to just occupy their minds with my stuff. I hate the fact, i'm forcing them to think so hard what to write back, because i will never apreciate anything they would write. I just can help myself - everytime i hear/read/whatever some kind of emotional support from them, it makes me just angry and disgusted.  But once again, i like my friends and i don't want to be mean to them. But, i don't believe there's anything they could do for me. Because what i realise - why nothing helps and why i will never go to a therapeut - is that i actually don't want to be saved. I don't want help. I just want to end it. I'm tired. Of trying. And my sick mind is convinced (yea i actually realise, how absurd this is  and that it's not true at all), that if i'm not able to save myself (like by my own, without help) and deal with my problems alone, then my life is not worthed. My existence is worthless in that case. Because you can have so many people in your life or you can be a loner, but after all it's always just you. You have to live with yourself. And that's why, i don't believe some other help could...like help me. And you know, i tried. I think i feel like this ...i guess from the age of 15, in April i'll be 24. So..idk. I lost all my motivation, but i tried. My "sad" period always switch back to "normal" in quite a short time, but this time i think it got so much worse, because this time i have no mood switch anymore, i'm just sad like...2-3 months straight now. I'm not even  longer able to "fake it", you know..before my family or co-workers, i'm not able to hide it, so they'll  immediately know and keep asking like what's wrong and why i look like that. So anyway...i pick a deadline (pun not intended) for myself. By the end of the year 2020, if everything will still suck and i won't be able to acknowledge any change, i will finally do it. So this is my last try to save myself. 

I'm sorry, i got carried away.

Back to my friends, any suggestion what to do with them? Because like i seriously don't want to be mean to them and i don't want to annoy them or ruin their lives with my permanent dark mood. But at the same time, as i said, i'm really not able to fake it anymore and i don't want to lie to them about my condition. Also  if i actually will **** myself , i just want them to know - because they're mostly like...online friends you know and i think that the possibility they would think, that i stopped being friends with them or that i'm just ignoring them is worse than knowing that i'm actually dead. Even though i have some friends and some family members i don't...despise (?)  which i like, there's no single person in my life, for who i would like to survive. Or live for...i mean like, there's nobody who can change my mind. I know it sounds kinda shitty. I'm actually really sorry about that and i wish i could have someone like that in my life, someone who i will love so much, but i just don't and i just don't feel it. But all of this doesn't mean, i want to hurt them. 

Ok, so...this text is probably very confusing, i'm trying to focus, but it's hard for me lately. So i try to sum up everything:

I wanna die and i don't want to be helped.

I just want to deal with that by myself.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but i don't know how to stop to be selfish and mean.

So this is it, i quess. Thanks for the possibility to share. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS: for grammar nazi, i'm sorry..there's probably like tons of mistakes, not a native speaker, but i tried.

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Okay first welcome to our forum.

We are here to help.

Obviously you DO want to be helped or you wouldn't have signed up and spilled your guts so to speak.

You need to focus on yourself and not on friends.

Your "dark" existence is understandable.

Sometimes I think of my depression cave as a secret hideaway.

A TEMPORARY secret hideaway.

Please stick with us and most importantly stick with yourself.

My motto: DESPAIR not/REPAIR a lot.I

Oscar

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Welcome @koikoi. Glad you found us, this is a good place to be not-okay. A place where it's okay to be not okay, if you know what I mean. 

I get that no one can help you if you don't want to be helped. And I also think there is reason to doubt that you don't want to be helped. You found us. We are "your people".

I'm not you and I've never spent a day being you. I only have my own lived experience where I was at least as hopeless and suicidal as you feel now. So here's a partial list of things I was wrong about concerning my life with depression:

1.  My depression cannot be treated. Years trying. 7 medications failed, I wasn't doing well in therapy. I stuck around, finally found something that did reduce my depression. 

2.  I have to fix me all by myself.  Nope.  Nobody ever recovered from a mental illness all by themselves. Nobody ever got better by not talking about it. 

3.  I am my illness. No. I'm not and I never was but depression became so normal I forgot who I was without it. 

4.  I know I can't be helped because I'm convinced I can't be helped. I was wrong. The mind that created the problem can't be the thing that fixes it. 

5.  I don't want to be helped. I was wrong again. No one wants to live with clinical depression, nobody wants to feel this way. But I forgot what a life worth living actually looked and felt like. That didn't mean failure. It meant admitting I had many things working against me and I was just one of those things. 

 

People who don't actually live with a mental illness want to help but they dont know how it is, they're being nice but not really understanding. We know how it is to live with darkness. We understand. We want to help. Our words can help you fight the words in your head that tell you that you are the owner of the most special depression ever. And you're not. You're not your symptoms. 

Thank you for creating a log in and letting us know who you are. Maybe we can help you remember who you are, I don't know. Worth trying. 

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On 2/27/2020 at 8:07 PM, Oscar K said:

"Obviously you DO want to be helped or you wouldn't have signed up and spilled your guts so to speak."

I don't want to argue and be seen as that cliché stubborn person who is convinced about his/her own truth, meaning that every other opinion has no value. I'm really not that case, but...

Me, spilling the guts, doesn't actually represent that so called "cry for help" stuff. Even though i feel like shit most of the time and i am full of self-hate and self-disgust, i've never felt so confident about any decision in my life, believe it or not, even if it's about me, ending my life, it's finally something, that makes some sense to me. But i do seek help with my friends and people in my surroundings, because they're not responsible for my feelings and for the stuff i'm dealing with. I take full responsibility for my life, but i'm trying to find a way, how to stop treating others, that care about me (or they at least pretend to) this horrible. I was often mean to them on purpose, cuz i wanted them to start hate me a leave me, but at the end of the day, it just resulted in hurting them without no reason. And i do realize, how suicide can affect the people around you, so i guess i'm just trying to minimalize the incoming damage. 

So that, is the reason why i signed up and spilled my guts.

Thanks for the response, Oscar K.

 

On 2/27/2020 at 8:07 PM, Oscar K said:

 

 

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10 hours ago, Atra said:

One of the main reason, why i have never visited a therapeut, is the fact i'm scared what he/she would tell me. To be honest, i'm terrified he/she would said something like : " All of this is completely normal, it's common feelling at your age...bla bla bla." Like, he/she probably wouldn't  said that, because that's not what they're paid for...but just the thought, that it's "nothing", or something "common" would just...i don't know how to say....it will just turn all these years and all these emotins into something fake. So, yea...i'm actually scared, that i'm okay, that i don't have a mental illness. Because that would mean, that i'm just fake and i made everything up....Uh, this might sounds really ****ed up, and i'm genuinely sorry to anyone with real mental illness. I don't want to make fun of anyone or pretend i'm special because i'm dealing with something (you know, the trend of young people pretending they have bipolar etc. because it's cool, i really don't want to be seen like  them).

But yeah, i honestly hate the possibility, that i might be actually ok and i'm just fakin all of it.

"But I forgot what a life worth living actually looked and felt like" > To be honest, i actually believe that every life is worth living, even my life could be. I just...

Thanks for the response, Atra.

 

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Hi Koikoi,

Although I am not in your shoes and would not want to trespass on the uniqueness of your experience, I think I have thought and felt similar to what you describe. 

In my case, I was saved from the abyss by medication and therapy.  

You express very well the kinds of things I felt.  When I was in my darkest darkness I was not as articulate as you are.  You state things so vividly and viscerally.   I have to compliment you on your expressive writing.

Regarding your friends, I am at a loss for advice.  I thought about your questions but I am just coming up empty on ideas. Sorry.

I sure hope you do not harm yourself.  I've been on these Forums for many years and so many people have told me that posts like yours have not only helped them with the terrible isolation they feel but have actually saved their lives when they were on the edge.

And I have experienced that myself.  Sometimes it is not advice givers who save lives, but people like you who just honestly share your own anguish and pain.

There is an old saying that goes . . . "Whoever helps to save even one life saves the entire world."  I think you are such a person.  So I think your loss would be a terrible and horrendous loss.

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On 2/28/2020 at 1:19 PM, koikoi said:

But yeah, i honestly hate the possibility, that i might be actually ok and i'm just fakin all of it.

"All my issues are fake or my fault." - that was what I once believed and I was wrong. I wasn't faking it, although even after diagnosis I still wasn't totally convinced I didn't make up depression just to excuse my being lazy. Turns out I can be lazy and still have depression! 😂 Give yourself a break my friend. 

And I understand if this is not the only reason you're afraid to see a therapist, there are other fears. I was so scared to go. 

On 2/28/2020 at 1:02 PM, koikoi said:

And i do realize, how suicide can affect the people around you, so i guess i'm just trying to minimalize the incoming damage. 

No, you really don't realize this at all if you actually believe you can somehow minimize the impact it'll have on people. Your family will not be okay - forever. Your friends won't be fine just because you told them off. The persons who have to remove your remains won't be ok. Understand that you have zero control over how anyone feels except to choose not to die by suicide. A death by suicide is always disastrous and hurtful for people who knew and cared for the individual. 

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