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Lindsay

How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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1 hour ago, duck said:

1)  That's right!

2) Sorry about your grandma Sober.  I hope she recovers.  :hugs:

 

She is getting better.  She's with some of the best doctors in the country right now.  

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It's been a while since I've been on this site, i remember writing on it once and it made me feel a little better so I figured I would give it a shot again. I am not doing okay, I don't remember the last time I cried this much; I literally cannot stop crying. I have pushed all of my friends away this year with my behavior and attitude. I think I have officially reached the end of my rope and it is becoming so hard to hold on. I keep having very dark thoughts and they scare me, but the idea just seems so appealing. I am trying not to give in to the darkness, I try to keep myself busy and continue to do things to try and feel better, but the tears always come back and the thoughts fill my head. I don't know what to do, I feel so alone, but I know its my own fault for not making the changes I should have. I start to get on the right track and then I mess up again; usually because of alcohol. I know alcohol messes me up, but I think I can handle it and not go over board because I'll be fine, but then I do. I can't keep doing this. I need help.

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I feel very off-kilter and I'm battling depression right now. 

My doctor and therapist believe that my channeling experiences are a medical issue, when they're not. I have been channeling spirits and Angels -- YES. I am a channel/medium. It's evolved over the last 12 years, but I had to close it down just recently for several reasons. 

Now I feel very alone with my own dark thoughts while my husband is at work. Unemployment was great for the first 2 months, and I took a mini vacation for myself. Now, I am feeling depressed, alone and restless. I need to get back to work soon. 

And my channeling? I wrote about it on my blog in detail, but it's very frustrating that my therapist thinks it's medical/psychological, when I had others from beyond speaking through me, speaking out loud my own thoughts precisely, and when I felt their energy within me and around me. 

And please don't knock me down  for what I am writing and stating to be truth. I feel very fragile right now, and I feel weakened by this depression at the moment. 

I learned a lot through my channeling and I gained an understanding of what IS. Now that I've stopped channeling, and I used to talk to my Angel Guides all the time, I feel very lonely. It's been 12 years in the making, and I am trying to figure out how to get back to who I am/was before I started channeling. But I am changed person after this experience. 

And I'm turning 50 very soon --- I feel more like I'm forever 33 except for my body. I wish I could throw a huge party with a band and all my friends, but COVID is in the way of that. 

Right now, I just need to get past my current depression and I need to get to work again. Having nothing to do all day is not good for my mental health. 

 

 

Edited by RiverLight

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2 hours ago, RiverLight said:

I feel very off-kilter and I'm battling depression right now. 

My doctor and therapist believe that my channeling experiences are a medical issue, when they're not. I have been channeling spirits and Angels -- YES. I am a channel/medium. It's evolved over the last 12 years, but I had to close it down just recently for several reasons. 

Now I feel very alone with my own dark thoughts while my husband is at work. Unemployment was great for the first 2 months, and I took a mini vacation for myself. Now, I am feeling depressed, alone and restless. I need to get back to work soon. 

And my channeling? I wrote about it on my blog in detail, but it's very frustrating that my therapist thinks it's medical/psychological, when I had others from beyond speaking through me, speaking out loud my own thoughts precisely, and when I felt their energy within me and around me. 

And please don't knock me down  for what I am writing and stating to be truth. I feel very fragile right now, and I feel weakened by this depression at the moment. 

I learned a lot through my channeling and I gained an understanding of what IS. Now that I've stopped channeling, and I used to talk to my Angel Guides all the time, I feel very lonely. It's been 12 years in the making, and I am trying to figure out how to get back to who I am/was before I started channeling. But I am changed person after this experience. 

And I'm turning 50 very soon --- I feel more like I'm forever 33 except for my body. I wish I could throw a huge party with a band and all my friends, but COVID is in the way of that. 

Right now, I just need to get past my current depression and I need to get to work again. Having nothing to do all day is not good for my mental health. 

 

 

I wouldn't talk to them about this issue anymore.  There are some things we just can't say to them.  I've learned that over the years.  I go in feeling like I'm walking into court.

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35 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I wouldn't talk to them about this issue anymore.  There are some things we just can't say to them.  I've learned that over the years.  I go in feeling like I'm walking into court.

I know -- I felt SO alone with it though and the experience was so incredible that I shared it with my therapist. Stupid me. It's been very hard to find people IRL to talk about it with. 

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I am here - that's an indication that I am not ok.

frustrated, lonely, tired, feeling worthless and that life is pointless.

the sh!t never ends. I wonder why I don't force a stop. No guts

Thats my day

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11 hours ago, RiverLight said:

 Right now, I just need to get past my current depression and I need to get to work again. Having nothing to do all day is not good for my mental health. 

 

 

So disability is out of the question, even if you can qualify with your depression?

Just try not to get job that requires you to directly deal with customers/clients

The synonym for customer is MONSTER.

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Tired of smoke and unhealthy to hazardous air, not to mention the gloomy darkness. An additional "benefit" is that the red sun you see is just as hazardous to your retinas as during bright daylight, they say.

Just a minor example of inequality that actually impacts your health quite seriously: The wealthy have AC and filtration in their lakeside villas and mansions, while the rest of us can't find a crappy air purifier at Walmart, because they've been sold out. (Sure, you can blame us for lack of preparation, but no one could quite have predicted this any more than a meteor hitting your head and you failing to wear a helmet.)

 

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8 hours ago, iWantRope said:

So disability is out of the question, even if you can qualify with your depression?

Just try not to get job that requires you to directly deal with customers/clients

The synonym for customer is MONSTER.

I wouldn't go on disability -- my depression doesn't last very long. I may work with clients again, but this shall pass soon enough, I think. 

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I arose extremely early to the flow of traffic outside. That alone is aggravating. also, depressed because of impending heatwave and the holiday season happening soon. 

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On 9/14/2020 at 6:32 PM, sober4life said:

She probably had the stroke because she lives alone and is one of the vulnerable like I am.  The constant stress of knowing you have to try to never ask anyone for help and try to do everything on your own kills you.  The vultures never stop circling even during a pandemic.  I know what it's like everyone that shows up at your house you have to question why are they here what are they up to?  In the hardest time of your life you feel more alone than you have ever felt.  You're afraid of everyone.  Even if the people around do care one of them will be the one driving the car to "your favorite restaurant" or the beach or whatever they can come up with to get you in the car to take you on your last ride.

You can't blame yourself for that sober. Strokes have many causes. Maybe being alone was one of them like you said, but there are other factors such as age, and healthy issues which could have caused this. Please don't blame yourself.

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15 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

You can't blame yourself for that sober. Strokes have many causes. Maybe being alone was one of them like you said, but there are other factors such as age, and healthy issues which could have caused this. Please don't blame yourself.

She has to get major surgery tomorrow.  The truth is I could blame myself.  A lot of the time I go to see her on Thursday.  That time I went on Friday.  I could have gotten to her sooner.  The truth is I didn't help her or mom well enough.  The one theme that has stayed constant in my life is I've never been a good anything.  I've failed at every role I've ever had in life.

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Just now, sober4life said:

A lot of the time I go to see her on Thursday.  That time I went on Friday. 

Lots of folks don't have anyone looking in on them on any day of the week Sober.  Your grandma is lucky you do, and that you helped her.  You just have to give credit to someone who does that, even if it's yourself.  🤠

Bulgakov

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

The truth is I could blame myself.  A lot of the time I go to see her on Thursday.  That time I went on Friday.

I do understand the feeling.  Used to be, I could not understand how anyone could possibly try to tell me, "It's not your fault; don't blame yourself."  After all, it was my decision alone to visit on Friday instead of Thursday (for example).  

A line from a song helped me understand that my contribution to any situation is not the only influence on that situation.  The song is 'Delta' by David Crosby.  The line is, "... fast running rivers of choice and chance.  And time stops here on the delta while they dance...".  

The point is several people's actions (choices) and multiple coincidences (chances) affect every situation.  After all the choices and chances mix together to create the outcome, it is impossible to figure out which choice/chance caused what part of the outcome.  It would be like scooping up a bucket of water in the river delta and trying to sort each drop by which source river it originally came from.

Hopefully, this makes some sense.  You intended (and still intend) only the best for your grandma.  That is what matters!  ... and that is also what makes you a good granddaughter (and daughter, and whatever else).   :rose:

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My mom passed away on Tuesday, 3 weeks to the day my dad passed. I feel ok.  My mom was 88.  The stroke took her speech, her swallowing and paralyzed her right side.  She was really missing my dad.

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14 minutes ago, Smcine said:

My mom passed away on Tuesday, 3 weeks to the day my dad passed. I feel ok.  My mom was 88.  The stroke took her speech, her swallowing and paralyzed her right side.  She was really missing my dad.

I'm so sorry, Sue. When my mum got her brain tumor, she became paralyzed on her right side, too. It's tough to see a loved one have to live like that. You've had a horrible summer. Wishing you peace in the coming months ❤️

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1 hour ago, Smcine said:

My mom passed away on Tuesday, 3 weeks to the day my dad passed.

I am so very sorry.  I also wish you peace.  Please be gentle and kind to yourself.  There is no wrong way to grieve. 

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6 hours ago, Smcine said:

My mom passed away on Tuesday, 3 weeks to the day my dad passed. I feel ok.  My mom was 88.  The stroke took her speech, her swallowing and paralyzed her right side.  She was really missing my dad.

So sad.  My sympathy to you.  We are here for you. 

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13 hours ago, sober4life said:

She has to get major surgery tomorrow.  The truth is I could blame myself.  A lot of the time I go to see her on Thursday.  That time I went on Friday.  I could have gotten to her sooner.  The truth is I didn't help her or mom well enough.  The one theme that has stayed constant in my life is I've never been a good anything.  I've failed at every role I've ever had in life.

I hope all goes well in surgery.  I am here for you.  

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