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Lindsay

How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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Right now I feel like a worthless lump.

I feel partly OK and like I could be productive.  At the exact same time, I feel completely frozen like I cannot function at all.  This is not my first experience with depression.  I recognize this feeling and know that I need to make myself do something (anything!).  I always feel much better after I take some action, but that is not enough motivation to get me moving.  Lately this has been happening more frequently.  

Just FYI, I have rewritten this post three times, and it still does not seem right.  I really hate this 'quicksand' feeling.  No matter what, I just keep sinking.  

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Anyone go through a "dark night of the soul"? Did you come out of it?

I'd only heard about this in the past couple of weeks and it sounds like the type of depression I am currently going through. It's a spiritual/existential crisis. For the past few months, I have come to realize a lot of what I thought of myself is a lie. I have been severely depressed before, but always felt I at least knew something of who I was, at my core a good person. I thought I was a lake when actually I'm a puddle. I think this is why that class introduction felt so difficult...everything I wrote means nothing. No amount of self-help books or videos or activities has eased my thoughts.

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15 hours ago, Atra said:

no longer people-pleases by "protecting" adults from having uncomfortable feelings about something they did.

Very perceptive.  And the attitude, great stuff, and I like that you quit.   You're walking through the world like The Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl.  Your Duke mojo is strong now.  Nothing can stop you.

Bulgakov

 

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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Triggered by family. Feeling low (depressed) and tired. I hope everyone else is having a better night than me ❤️

I know the feeling very well. My cousin Ryan has suddenly started telling my younger cousins to just avoid me because of my past. The rest of my family (especially my grandmother) thinks I'm a failure and while they don't say it directly to my face they slip it in here and there... Ever being so subtle when they do so. They really get me down when they ask about relationship stuff as they see me being single noting how much of a failure I am when it comes to stuff like that. They only know about Natalie because I was with her off and on for years until that eventually blew up in my face.

Slowly slipping away once again to that place where I simply no longer want to exist. There's no more reason for me to do so. Just one medical experiment that should've died a long time ago. That is my life story. If it wasn't for many doctors when I was a kid then I would've died as an infant which probably would've been for the best. Even now I still feel like that, especially since I just have never really managed to fit in with anybody.

Someone at work today randomly told me to "come and get your girl" because Christine had tripped and fell. I sent a reply back and just mentioned that she doesn't want anything to do with me. People bringing her up like that is fine but she's not with me in that way... Probably just teasing but I'd rather it just stop. I asked and she like everyone else just broke my heart even more. The whole emotional numbness feeling sticks around and if it does get worse then I will shut off. I can feel it... I shut off once about 10 years ago and I guess I will do it again and for a lot longer period. The first time was when Natalie made a mess out of me and I basically mentally went away from reality for awhile.

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I went to visit grandma today and saw there were 3 newspapers in her box.  I knocked on the door and couldn't get her.  I looked in the door window and saw her laying on the floor.  I had to kick in the backdoor to get to her but I saved her life today.  She had a stroke.

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29 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I went to visit grandma today and saw there were 3 newspapers in her box.  I knocked on the door and couldn't get her.  I looked in the door window and saw her laying on the floor.  I had to kick in the backdoor to get to her but I saved her life today.  She had a stroke.

I am so very sorry about your grandma!  At least you found her and got help.  Hopefully she will be better soon!   (((Hugs))) to both you and her!!  :hearts:

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I went to visit grandma today and saw there were 3 newspapers in her box.  I knocked on the door and couldn't get her.  I looked in the door window and saw her laying on the floor.  I had to kick in the backdoor to get to her but I saved her life today.  She had a stroke.

I know you don't have the greatest relationship with your relatives, but that should immediately put you in the "hero" category of your family. I hope your grandma pulls through okay. That's a lot of stress so please look after yourself too.

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8 hours ago, roadking02 said:

know the feeling very well. My cousin Ryan has suddenly started telling my younger cousins to just avoid me because of my past. The rest of my family (especially my grandmother) thinks I'm a failure and while they don't say it directly to my face they slip it in here and there... Ever being so subtle when they do so. They really get me down when they ask about relationship stuff as they see me being single noting how much of a failure I am when it comes to stuff like that. They only know about Natalie because I was with her off and on for years until that eventually blew up in my face.

How I wish I didn't know all about being put down by family in that ever so subtle way. It's subtle but it hurts the same as being hit by a brick. 

Being different in general doesn't go down well with most people but we have to somehow find the strength to love and accept ourselves as we are in spite of not receiving the same from the folks around us.

Giving love to ourself is the only way we're gonna get it! But it is true that once we have this magical power that people gravitate towards us and we get more love in our lives. 

At 42, I'm still working on it lol. It's a life's work but it's worth it. 

You're worth it. Loreal 😂

Edited by Nightjar

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7 hours ago, sober4life said:

I went to visit grandma today and saw there were 3 newspapers in her box.  I knocked on the door and couldn't get her.  I looked in the door window and saw her laying on the floor.  I had to kick in the backdoor to get to her but I saved her life today.  She had a stroke.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that sober. How is she doing now? And how are you doing? 

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15 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that sober. How is she doing now? And how are you doing? 

She's stable in the hospital right now.  She's ok.  Me I'm ok.  I haven't slept yet.  The adrenaline is still keeping me wired.  I'm ok though.❤️

Edited by sober4life

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Just now, sober4life said:

She's stable in the hospital right now.  She's ok.  Me I I'm ok.  I haven't slept yet.  The adrenaline is still keeping me wired.  I'm ok though.❤️

Good. I'm glad everything is ok. And I'm glad you are ok. You may have to occupy yourself until the adrenaline wears out. Something physical would be best. Hopefully then you can catch up on some sleep :hugs:

Keep us posted ❤️

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5 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

I know you don't have the greatest relationship with your relatives, but that should immediately put you in the "hero" category of your family. I hope your grandma pulls through okay. That's a lot of stress so please look after yourself too.

I wasn't the only hero in the situation.  I was the first on the scene but her son and grandson are EMTs that arrived at the scene so they are heroes too.  Dad rushed to the scene.  I'm proud of my whole family today to be honest.

Edited by sober4life

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2 hours ago, iWantRope said:

This may be my final month. After 17th September maybe I'll checkout from this hell for good.

I wish things will change for you, sending you love and hope and compassion for the weariness of living. What is one thing that, if it were to happen, would ease the suffering just a bit?

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27 minutes ago, Atra said:

I wish things will change for you, sending you love and hope and compassion for the weariness of living. What is one thing that, if it were to happen, would ease the suffering just a bit?

Client suddenly become less of a demanding princess Karen. Or more colleagues to share the work burden

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On 9/9/2020 at 2:30 PM, Kogent5 said:

It's an intro class to technical writing 🙂

Thank you! A lot of technical writers end up there because of the industry they're in and they naturally end up doing it, whereas I'm trying to enter it without much background. Everyone seems nice enough, but my thoughts certainly get twisted in deep depression.

that is really exciting.. I have been thinking all these months with the pandemic to take one too , not sure what yet,...but something to keep me busy, because we don't have many options to do many things..like we did before..

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On 9/9/2020 at 8:21 PM, jkd_sd said:

Yup!  There have been times I have come here, read some posts, maybe put a response (smiley) at the bottom of a few, and just stopped.  Felt like I should contribute but not been able to think or make a move to type an entry.  

Same here... case in point, given that I can't find much else to say at the moment.

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I feel very drained today.  They will be moving grandma to a nursing home next week.  The situation with grandma is the same as the situation with mom was.  It's an emergency situation.  There is only one possible decision to make but you know where the road leads when you call 911.  The guilt will eat away at me for the rest of my life.:sniffle1:

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15 minutes ago, sober4life said:

The guilt will eat away at me for the rest of my life.

No, no, no!!  Do not give into that guilt!  

I do understand.  I watched my parents go through it with my grandparents, and I am just getting to the point of having to deal with it with my parents.  You must remind yourself daily (at least) that what you are doing is keeping her safe and cared for.

Unless you can honestly say that you can care for your grandma better by yourself, moving her where others can care for her 24/7 is the right thing to do.  You even admitted in your post that "There is only one possible decision  ...."  

Give yourself a break!  You are a human being, not God!  Yeah, go visit her often, get her gifts, bring her flowers, and whatever else.  But do not buy into the lie that you should feel guilty!  Warning -- I am going to be very insistent about this!

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@sober4life - What she said! ( @jkd_sd ).

I felt that guilt horrible 2 years ago when I put mom in the nursing home. It is the begging of the end. I knew that. I also knew that I COULD NOT care for her 24/7 like they can. This is the right thing and you did GOOD. Stop blaming yourself. This is not what you did. This is life. As jkd_sd said, go visit her often, put a smile on her face, show her you love her. That is what you can do and that speaks volumes. 

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I am constantly angry. I have been angry and irritated most of my life. And I see no reason NOT to be angry and irritated. 
 

The Emptiness- Paradigm.

Yes I realize. How could  emptiness possibly lead to anger. I mean emptiness means void to anything feelings thought etc, right?

But perhaps “In the beginning, god created anger..now the world was void and empty..”

Not that I believe in god. Any god. Perhaps the “Big Bang” was a result of frustration and anger of cosmic proportions. Haha.

So the basic component of existence is anger. In my mind, it makes as much sense as any other explanation of the point of existing at all. 
 

Tired of emptiness. Angry about being angry.
 

But what else is there?

 

 

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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7 hours ago, anon22ae said:
On 9/9/2020 at 11:21 PM, jkd_sd said:

Yup!  There have been times I have come here, read some posts, maybe put a response (smiley) at the bottom of a few, and just stopped.  Felt like I should contribute but not been able to think or make a move to type an entry.  

Same here... case in point, given that I can't find much else to say at the moment.

Thank goodness, I'm not the only one experiencing this. I've come here with thoughts on my mind and then I can't find the words. I read others posts and can feel their pain or sadness but I can't find the words. 

So if I'm seen here,  just know that I care and that things may seem dark at that moment but there is  light at the end of the tunnel  (some days that darn tunnel sure is long).

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