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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I got a little lift just now due to "graduating" from newbie to junior member in this forum. It's the little things 🙂

Other than that, it hasn't been the greatest week. Feeling down and distracted (or the other way around in terms of causality, possibly...). Have been feeling quite lonely, even though I still live with my soon-to-be ex-wife and children. I think I've realised that my loneliness has been around for years, with ever decreasing intimacy (emotional, but also physical) with my wife, and my gradually deepening depression meaning I've withdrawn from old friends and found it difficult to make new ones. 

I'm trying to work on it and become more open and kind, but it is difficult, and I'm probably holding myself back. I'm in my later 30s and I'm trying to learn how to make friends! Rather pathetic I realise.

I find it easier to write to - and think I can sound relatively eloquent on occasion - than speak to people. I'm just one of those shuffle-into-the-corner guys when it comes to social situations. I can pretend for a bit, but it's exhausting.

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Tired. OK. Good enough. Had a low-key day but it was appreciated. Mini lion hasn't left my side all day. She is the sweetest, best behaved little cat. To think that she was abandoned is just nuts. How could they not see what a little love bug she is? 🐛💕

Their loss is my gain and all that but I wish she didn't have her chest problems from being left out in the cold for so long. I worry about it a lot 😔 

She adores being fed 😍 and purrs when I'm drying her bowl ready to put the food in.... I guess she appreciates it so much because she was scavenging in bin bags to survive when they abandoned her 😑 I know this because she used to rip open the bin bags in the kitchen 😕

Happily she doesn't feel the need to do that now and is proud as punch to be in her new home (the neighbour says she sits in the window proudly lol) which is fab because she used to sit with her head pressed into her neck all of the time through fear of human hands 😡

She doesn't trust anyone but me and will stay close to me if someone comes round. I'm glad about that really because she's right. She shouldn't trust anyone she doesn't know well 😒

Don't ask me why I'm telling mini lion stories. I'm sleepy and I love her. That's it. Nite guys 😴

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Like crap because I have to go back to work. I can't believe my whole life is about working. We aren't free we are required to follow the rules or sit out by the trash. I hate to work but I guess it's my life's purpose, a life I have never enjoyed only to serve other people. I would never leave my bed or house if I didn't need to.

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11 hours ago, APFSDS said:

Tired. I feel I should clean my room. I've got spider webs in all four corners and there's some spider lunch hanging from all of them.
Dust everywhere I could make a dust mandala.

How are you doing? I am happy to see you are posting again.  🙂

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3 hours ago, watalife said:

Like crap because I have to go back to work. I can't believe my whole life is about working. We aren't free we are required to follow the rules or sit out by the trash. I hate to work but I guess it's my life's purpose, a life I have never enjoyed only to serve other people. I would never leave my bed or house if I didn't need to.

I feel your pain.    My parents created me because society wanted more slaves!  

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Anyone else sometimes feeling pain like you have no energy or will even to come to this forum and post? This post is for when this improves a little, but no real solutions seem at hand.

The red Mars sky from wildfires and sudden high heat with humidity do not help.

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I don't have any energy when I wake up and I don't want to do anything.  Constant fear keeps me going.  I never enjoy anything or look forward to anything.  Life is like endless briars and broken glass I have to run through.  I have to keep this going every day.  The first day I slip I can wave goodbye to everything I have.

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1 hour ago, anon22ae said:

Anyone else sometimes feeling pain like you have no energy or will even to come to this forum and post? This post is for when this improves a little, but no real solutions seem at hand.

The red Mars sky from wildfires and sudden high heat with humidity do not help.

Yup!  There have been times I have come here, read some posts, maybe put a response (smiley) at the bottom of a few, and just stopped.  Felt like I should contribute but not been able to think or make a move to type an entry.  

Other times I have typed up a post meaning it to be a short reply to something but instead found myself rambling away.  Either way, I feel guilty somehow, but do not understand exactly why.

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On 9/6/2020 at 1:32 AM, Atra said:

Contributing to it is my job. I love the work but I've grown frustrated and angry with management. I set up a meeting next week to air grievances, but I dunno, maybe it's time to leave. 

Met with management, it went better than I expected. @Atra didn't go full-melodramatic with frothy mouth and red cheeks. I let the anger and hurt sit with me hours beforehand; objects thrown, walls punched, etc. When it was time to communicate, those feelings still informed me and didn't overwhelm me. Yeah, I got triggered a few times, I ain't Buddha. I owned up to it each time it happened.

Management got triggered, too. Cause @Atra no longer people-pleases by "protecting" adults from having uncomfortable feelings about something they did. Got what I needed done, said my piece. No shame and no regret. 

I still plan to leave this job but now it can be done on a timeline that best works for me. I believe that's a notable improvement in how I handle conflict in the workplace. Last time I left a job? I was fired and escorted from the building, holding a cardboard box of my things as my coworkers watched in amazement. I remember feeling so ashamed. 

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14 hours ago, aterrou said:

I got a little lift just now due to "graduating" from newbie to junior member in this forum. It's the little things 🙂

Congratulations! That color looks nice on you 😀

Yep, it's the little things--especially relevant considering all we have going on in our world and our lives. You reminded me of that, much appreciated.

"Lonely" is a human condition rather than an experience peculiar to @aterrou and we cope with it by reducing isolation. Words on screens count. 

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31 minutes ago, Atra said:

Management got triggered, too. Cause @Atra no longer people-pleases by "protecting" adults from having uncomfortable feelings about something they did. Got what I needed done, said my piece. No shame and no regret. 

A psychic told me once that either I needed to be the boss or work for myself 😂 Maybe you can relate? 😂

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9 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

Yup!  There have been times I have come here, read some posts, maybe put a response (smiley) at the bottom of a few, and just stopped.  Felt like I should contribute but not been able to think or make a move to type an entry.  

Other times I have typed up a post meaning it to be a short reply to something but instead found myself rambling away.  Either way, I feel guilty somehow, but do not understand exactly why.

I wake up every morning feeling that way and every morning I drink so much coffee I go from there to by now I feel like Tweek from South Park.  Is that better no.  There is no good.

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@Atra - Good for you! Just yelling at them accomplishes nothing and they feel like you are just trouble. Letting them know how you are doing and what are the obstacles in the way is a professinal approach. They might not appreciate it or care but it shows character in you.

I worked for this company for 20 years. A new VP we got didn't like me and didn't like the input I gave on this big project that was his pet cause. He decided it was just easier to move the problems out the door and hire people who did what they were told. A dozen or so of us were given options to take early retirement or else. Half of my team left the company, some of the remaining moved to other teams, the few left and have just trudged along with the mess created. Not that it makes a difference but that new VP lasted 2 years and was removed after his ideas blew up on him and the company.

That seems to be the attitude of these larger companies today. The old school job for life and job security is gone. It's all about the money and what have you done for me lately.

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11 hours ago, Mikayla said:

Not too bad. But I need a prayer if someone desperately wants to help me..🙂 Thank you.

I'll send a prayer for you Mikayla 🙏 I'll send you some peace. I'll be on it in 30 mins when I'm in my meditation zone 😂

Edited by Nightjar
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23 hours ago, Nightjar said:

A psychic told me once that either I needed to be the boss or work for myself 😂 Maybe you can relate? 😂

Quite! I've risen no higher than middle management in any of my careers. It isn't that I can't get along with people. I just won't keep my mouth shut when I witness mistreatment or any ethical misdeeds--and I've tried. I get very depressed when I ignore my core values. I hope you'll be self-employed for life and that your only boss is mini-lion.

18 hours ago, In2deep4me said:

Letting them know how you are doing and what are the obstacles in the way is a professinal approach. They might not appreciate it or care but it shows character in you.

Thank you for writing this my friend. And for sharing the sad tale of a VP who once confused his ego for a business plan. 20 years you put in at that company, that's impressive. You're right, regard for loyalty of the kind you demonstrated is almost gone in large corporations. I view it as one example of how American-style individualism (unbridled) has sort of fractured organizational cohesion. Does anyone stay anywhere for longer than 5 years? 

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I've always been the same way.  I have always spoke my mind and spoke the truth at jobs.  That's the last thing they want for someone to make sense of the situation.  We're expected to shut up and go along with everything even if we look around at everything around us and see that we're going down in the ocean on the Titanic.

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43 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I've always been the same way.  I have always spoke my mind and spoke the truth at jobs.  That's the last thing they want for someone to make sense of the situation.  We're expected to shut up and go along with everything even if we look around at everything around us and see that we're going down in the ocean on the Titanic.

Nobody gives a damn at work as to what I say. I have zero influence at work. Anywhere else either as it happens. 

I don't think I really even exist. 

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2 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Nobody gives a damn at work as to what I say. I have zero influence at work. Anywhere else either as it happens. 

I don't think I really even exist. 

Well in work settings any time I tried to tell it like it is they went the well he's nuts route and it was blown off or me speaking up was seen as a meltdown.  That's what happens a lot in the workplace when you're mentally ill they minimize you and use an attitude of of course you're wrong because you're mentally ill and delusional.  When are the mentally ill people going to get their justice.  I was targeted from the first day of school until now because the people around me saw I was different.  It will be this way until I die.

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