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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I feel tired and brain-fogged.  

I am back from my 'family emergency'.  Everything turned out as well as can be expected, but it was kinda a struggle.  There are still some things I am working on resolving.  Now I need to re-double my efforts to make progress on all issues, old and new, but most of that is gonna wait until Monday.  I really need a weekend!  

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1 hour ago, Devlinkyla said:

I don’t know when I see my doctor agin I play games and music and talk to a friend though out tha day 

thanks for talking to me 

sorry you haven’t been doing well 

i am just at the point where I would do it if you know what I mean just got to try hard to move past this I just feel like a lost puppy 

You have your children (you've probably heard that a million times) but your life is worth saving, regardless of who will be sad if you were gone. Yes, if you can just weather those worst moments, and you will, because you've done it before.

This year has been a real crapshoot. Try not to put yourself down too much (easier said than done). It's good to rest rather than attempt to fix yourself when things are at their worst. I am trying to stay curious about the future, even if I don't feel much hope. Hang in there.

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Ironically enough, if anyone here has watched Stargate SG1, there's a quote from one of the latter episodes: "There's no point in dying if you're going to lose anyway. Not if you have a choice."

To me, at least, it seems this holds just as well: "There's no point in living if you're going to lose anyway. Not if you have a choice."

It's just a bit strange to me how either one works as well as the other.

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5 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I'm nervous. I'm driving up to see new houses today. Wish me luck in operation Escape from Alcatraz 🤞

Good luck I know how you feel believe me.  This does feel like Alcatraz.  What are my feelings today.  I haven't seen them in a while.  What if they show up?  I don't really feel very well today but what if they see me on a day where I'm really bad?  What will they do to me then?  I don't feel alone in life.  It's much worse.  I sit here all the time afraid of what everyone I know might have planned for me.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Good luck I know how you feel believe me.  This does feel like Alcatraz.  What are my feelings today.  I haven't seen them in a while.  What if they show up?  I don't really feel very well today but what if they see me on a day where I'm really bad?  What will they do to me then?  I don't feel alone in life.  It's much worse.  I sit here all the time afraid of what everyone I know might have planned for me.

Thank you. 

I made it there and back in one piece and it went well. I really liked one of the houses. I just have to bite the bullet and market mine. If I do manage to move (if somehow narc mom doesn't cripple me financially and stop me) I'll still be alone. But at least it will be my life again 😁  I'd be far away from toxic family influence. 

Ps. The view from the bedroom window 👌👌👌 #beautiful. 

Edited by Nightjar
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I'd love to do the same thing myself but I don't have the strength to do it after this year.  There are still a lot of things that need to be fixed here before I can sell this place and a lot of those things I'm letting go until spring.  A lot of the things here are good for me but at some point you use so much of that duck tape you wonder if the whole place is a duck.😊

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I saw the eye specialist last Thursday and I am not pleased with him and the way he works.  He told me I have to start taking drops or laser surgery to reduce the pressure in my eyes.  When I was leaving I tried to book another appointment and his staff were clueless.  They gave me his card to call which means another four month wait.    On Friday I called his office to get a prescription for eye drops to use in the meantime but he was off. 

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'd love to do the same thing myself but I don't have the strength to do it after this year.  There are still a lot of things that need to be fixed here before I can sell this place and a lot of those things I'm letting go until spring.  A lot of the things here are good for me but at some point you use so much of that duck tape you wonder if the whole place is a duck.😊

Are you planning to join me on Duck Island?  🙂

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I thought today was a reasonably good day. Spent more than 5 hours driving to help my sister move home, so I felt like I had done something useful for the first time in a while.

Driving alone is something I generally find relaxing (more than with the kids in the back anyway!), as it forces me not to overthink things too much. Doesn't always work, but after a few hours at the wheel it generally does. 

Feelings of loneliness are getting stronger - even though I still live with my (soon to be ex) wife and kids, I know that won't last much longer, and the thought of moving out is not the greatest. 

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42 minutes ago, duck said:

I saw the eye specialist last Thursday and I am not pleased with him and the way he works.  He told me I have to start taking drops or laser surgery to reduce the pressure in my eyes.  When I was leaving I tried to book another appointment and his staff were clueless.  They gave me his card to call which means another four month wait.    On Friday I called his office to get a prescription for eye drops to use in the meantime but he was off. 

Yeah it's ridiculous.  With everyone specialists make us very worried the whole appointment.  We have to do this we have to do that.  See you in 4 or 5 or 6 months.  It's all ridiculous.  You have to stop making us worry for months!

Edited by sober4life
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We were having a family discussion earlier this evening and my sister Sherry exploded in rage.  She is like this all the time.  I have been trying to distance myself from her.  She is just like our violent late mom and our school teachers.

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11am... I asked Christine out and was left in limbo... Noon... I go to the left... Christine goes to the right... Leaving two exits and I got in my car to head home. Couple minutes into the drive I finally get hit with an actual response. As I expected, I got rejected. Me leaving set off alarms for my friend Ryan because he watched me walk up to her. I take it since he has seen me at my worse he would rather me not slip off deeper into a depression then I already am. At the very least I got an answer. So I'll probably take the Thruxton out for a ride, away from cell service and everything. In an attempt to clear my mind. I figured this sorta stuff would get easier when you're adults but I don't think it ever will.

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I feel OK. Functioning I guess. Better than I was for a good while I think. I was struggling a lot there after my divorce. The loneliness was unbearable at times. And the upheaval was nightmarish. I think I'm over the worst. 

But I long to feel good again. Some happiness would be soooooo nice.. 🎶It's been a loong, long, time coming. But I know a change is gonna come. Oh,  yes it is..... 

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1 hour ago, Nightjar said:

I feel OK. Functioning I guess. Better than I was for a good while I think. I was struggling a lot there after my divorce. The loneliness was unbearable at times. And the upheaval was nightmarish. I think I'm over the worst. 

But I long to feel good again. Some happiness would be soooooo nice.. 🎶It's been a loong, long, time coming. But I know a change is gonna come. Oh,  yes it is..... 

We both went through very traumatic things and lost important people in our lives.  We do have to go through a grieving process and take time to heal from the trauma.  We have to get back out into the world though and show them what we're made of.  We deserve to be happy and have wonderful lives.  I do have a lot of fear in doing this on my own but look at us we're doing this on our own through a pandemic!  We're tough people!  We can do this!:hugs:

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17 minutes ago, sober4life said:

We both went through very traumatic things and lost important people in our lives.  We do have to go through a grieving process and take time to heal from the trauma.  We have to get back out into the world though and show them what we're made of.  We deserve to be happy and have wonderful lives.  I do have a lot of fear in doing this on my own but look at us we're doing this on our own through a pandemic!  We're tough people!  We can do this!:hugs:

I'm scared to get back on there too. But yes, we can do it I think. You're right, we've been so strong through all this. 

Let's not let ourselves disappear up our own backsides and get back out there k? 

I will if you will :hugs:

Lovely post sober, thankyou 🌻

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26 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

I'm scared to get back on there too. But yes, we can do it I think. You're right, we've been so strong through all this. 

Let's not let ourselves disappear up our own backsides and get back out there k? 

I will if you will :hugs:

Lovely post sober, thankyou 🌻

Of course I'm going to get back out there.  Your positive posts about looking for a new house has motivated me as well.  Ever since I said I was going to put off those projects until spring I've been working on the projects.  I don't think I'm going to leave this place.  I'm smarter and stronger than anyone that has the nerve to show up here.  I've worked too hard on this place.  This is my home and I'm going to make it a happy place.  I need to have someone in my life to spend my life with though.  It's the only way my broken heart heals.

Edited by sober4life
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12 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Not too bad. If I can get the lawn mowed today I'll be happy. I'm enjoying my own company today and the neighbours aren't annoying me 😂 so it's a pretty good day here. 

Awesome 🙂 

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11 hours ago, roadking02 said:

At the very least I got an answer. So I'll probably take the Thruxton out for a ride, away from cell service and everything. In an attempt to clear my mind. I figured this sorta stuff would get easier when you're adults but I don't think it ever will.

I don't think it does until you give up (sort of what I did, mostly). Nonetheless, pressing on could well work out. Just because she said "no" once doesn't mean it's impossible. She might just be testing your resolve or your level of attraction towards her.

I have seen this play out more than once in life for others. In one case, I knew a couple for a while until he decided to break things off. She came to me to ask my advice on how to keep him. Ironically enough, she was the one who had turned him down multiple times long ago.

Anyhow, I was "inspired" by situations like the above, when pressing on produced rewards. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work for me... just for everyone I know! 😀 I guess I'm an exception to this rule, but I wouldn't let this discourage anyone.

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

Of course I'm going to get back out there.  Your positive posts about looking for a new house has motivated me as well.  Ever since I said I was going to put off those projects until spring I've been working on the projects.  I don't think I'm going to leave this place.  I'm smarter and stronger than anyone that has the nerve to show up here.  I've worked too hard on this place.  This is my home and I'm going to make it a happy place.  I need to have someone in my life to spend my life with though.  It's the only way my broken heart heals.

That sounds good. I find being productive helps me a lot. I can forget about everything if I'm busy and I achieve something at the end of it. Result.

You have worked hard on that place!! Me too, I work hard at maintaining my home,  it means a lot to me. It makes it easier to sell too, so if you change your mind about moving, you can 🤷‍♀️

I know what you mean. I can function alright and be OK on my own but not happy. I've been able to relax a bit more lately but I haven't felt real wellbeing and contentedness since I was in a relationship ^;^ If I had a strong bond with family members I think this would be different. But I don't. And it's not likely to start any time soon. 

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In order to keep myself from shutting down I'm going to at least try to record a new song today. I spent the most of last night getting the guitar sections down which really is just 2 different loops and a solo. The rest is basically synthesizers and an old drum machine from the 80's. My only issue is my voice which for awhile now isn't anywhere close to what it used to be. I went around the neighborhood walking around, singing the song to myself, dancing a bit... Neighbors probably think I'm stupid but I never worry about it. They heard me playing some Saturday night and when I took a walk one of the neighbors commented me. While it's good, getting compliments on my music honestly is hard for me to take sometimes. I guess when you're told about your talents constantly you wonder if that's all people know about you.

When I finish recording and am actually happy with it then I'm hoping to make a music video just for fun. Haven't made one in 7 years (I checked last night) so it's due. I'll be using at least 2 of my guitars, most likely the "British Bomber/BSA Motorcycle" guitar and one of my many strats... Probably my red silver sky as a contrast to the blue? We'll see when we get to it. Reason I love my BSA guitar is mainly because I made it myself and it's setup to play very very easy.

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I'm still coasting along. Didn't sleep well last night because there was a bat in the apartment. I tried to catch him for over half an hour but he was always able to outwit me. Haha. He flew into the bedroom about 1 a.m. and fluttered around the ceiling. Both of my cats were on the bed and essentially ignored the bat. I was like, "WTF kinda cats are you guys?"

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