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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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5 minutes ago, Ratvan said:

So have arranged to see Gemma again tomorrow. Its been a long time since I have felt this excited and nervous about anything.

I do need to have some difficult conversations with her if we continue dating, but i will cross that bridge if and when i come to it 

Sounds good.  🙂

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15 hours ago, sober4life said:

I don't feel fortunate.  I feel like a real life monster because of it.  It's been a lifetime of my mind saying the worst things you could ever imagine about me and a lifetime of the world feeling the same way.

I hear you. :console:

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1 minute ago, iWantRope said:

That's great!

Considering that some of us can't get even 1 reply…even if willing to pay thousands for it

I am lucky that I do seem to get a fair amount of female attention, thankfully I havent been on dating sites yet as they really do not seem like any fun. Just meeting people the old fashioned way seems to work for me

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I've given up on meeting people.  It's been years since anyone has flirted or acted interested in any way and usually when I think they are interested I take it the wrong way and make a fool of myself.  My years of sobriety have only given me a clearer picture of how much of an awful disgusting monster the world thinks I am.  I went for a walk today and saw a bird get hit by a car so I went over and picked it up to get it off the road and it died in my arms struggling to survive.:sniffle1:

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23 hours ago, duck said:

Maybe we are fortunate to be alone.  What's that saying? The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence!

That is so true!!! Many people in relationships act all wonderful and happy on social media, you can't even imagine how many tell me off social media, how unhappy they are and they wish they were single and alone..

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So here I am with only a few hours left until I pretty much call it a night and then get up and start the work weekend. I've had Kathy's comment stuck in my mind while thinking about people, how much I simply don't fit in and driving myself crazy. I've sat here with my guitar playing, here I am surrounded by all of my instruments having quite a breakdown. I'll probably go in tomorrow but it's tempting to take another day off. I already know what everyone will be suspecting. Either something health related or they'll say it's because of Christine. Why? She like everyone I work with is normal, out-going and lives life. While I am simply a medical mess with no chance with anyone when it comes to a social life much less a relationship. I get it. My left arm is messed up, I have epilepsy, have my anxiety issues... Only reason I'm here still is thanks to doctors who probably thought I'd die shortly after birth but they'd experiment and see how long I could last. Sure I'm talented as far as playing guitars and making them goes but when people tell me that I honestly feel like a fraud. So no wonder people stare or make dumb comments. How could anyone love an alien? I've been called that several times. Much less how could a freak like myself be with someone who is actually "normal"?

My friend Eric who I've known for many years has always told me to just hold on... What am I holding on for anymore? Hope? Hope that I'll perform on stage again? Hope that my family would actually want to see me? Hope that someone somewhere actually loves me?

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I feel scared. Not like zombies-are-after-me fightened, more like apprehensive. I can feel it pressing down on my chest. And I have no clue as to why I feel scared, maybe it's all the everything going on. 

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12 minutes ago, Atra said:

I feel scared. Not like zombies-are-after-me fightened, more like apprehensive. I can feel it pressing down on my chest. And I have no clue as to why I feel scared, maybe it's all the everything going on. 

Sorry to hear that lovely. The world, and all of us in it, are not having an easy time of it that's for sure. But man, you're doing so well with your new career and studies. You're an inspiration to me..If I can achieve what you have I'll be a happy girl ✔️♀️🍀

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12 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I keep thinking about the bird yesterday the scared look on it's face.  It's the only thing I can see anymore.:sniffle1:

Death is part of life. Or so I tell myself. No idea if anyone came up with that one before me, but it helps to get through some tough times.

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On 8/27/2020 at 6:17 AM, Ratvan said:

Thanks, it is going pretty well. We talked a lot about holidays and travelling so I hope we can do that sometime soon

Flights to Mauritius must be cheap now because of the oil tanker spilling oil.  I am guessing there are limited flights there because of covid.  I believe British Airways flies there non-stop 🙂

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22 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah nobody is ever coming here again unless the place burns down and then maybe the fire department will show up.  Sounds like fun.

How are you doing Sober?  What's this about the place burns down? 

:hugs:

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4 minutes ago, duck said:

How are you doing Sober?  What's this about the place burns down? 

:hugs:

I'm not doing well at all really.  I mean that's the only way anyone is coming here if they have to put out a fire here.  In real life I probably haven't had a friend in over 5 years and don't expect that to ever change.

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52 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm not doing well at all really.  I mean that's the only way anyone is coming here if they have to put out a fire here.  In real life I probably haven't had a friend in over 5 years and don't expect that to ever change.

Sorry to hear.  I am trying to maintain a balanced attitude.  I try not to think about things too much.

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Kathy from work who made her dumb comment decided to apologize today. I talked to Christine for a moment, she walked up behind me to ask me something work related and caught me daydreaming and singing to myself about her... Awkward. I almost asked her out but I at the last minute was stuck in my head and didn't. She's single... I confirmed it... I need to just ask her... The only downside is that my friends know that when I do get rejected (which has been every time) I literally slip into an extremely deep depression. As in I hide from everyone and totally shut down for months. I don't want to be deeper in that hole then I am already. Desire will seriously be the end of me at this point. The desire to have what I don't have... Which is simply a sense of what "normal" actually is. Relationship stuff has always been extremely difficult for me due to just being different from everyone. Either I get a yes from Christine or if she does reject me then I will collapse into my darkest depression once again.

It's a Friday night and I'll be lying in bed hoping that my iPhone gets a text from her... Maybe this time I'll go against the grain and respond. Then tomorrow walk in, go straight up to her and tell her how I feel.
There's the flip side of maybe she would say yes out of pitty... Or flat out reject me because of being disabled.

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1 minute ago, Devlinkyla said:

Having bad thoughts and overwhelmed by life the hole kid and med changes my anxiety and depression are so bad I don’t see the point 

I'm sorry, I know you've been having a rough go of it. Are you able to see your doctor anytime soon? This year has been hell and I really understand the feelings of pointlessness. Do you have any coping strategies you can use right now? I can share some, if you'd like (although admittedly they're not great, because I've been feeling suicidal often lately)

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41 minutes ago, Kogent5 said:

I'm sorry, I know you've been having a rough go of it. Are you able to see your doctor anytime soon? This year has been hell and I really understand the feelings of pointlessness. Do you have any coping strategies you can use right now? I can share some, if you'd like (although admittedly they're not great, because I've been feeling suicidal often lately)

I don’t know when I see my doctor agin I play games and music and talk to a friend though out tha day 

thanks for talking to me 

sorry you haven’t been doing well 

i am just at the point where I would do it if you know what I mean just got to try hard to move past this I just feel like a lost puppy 

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