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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

no we need you here....

I was just taking a nap.  It's a place where I get to still be with mom.  Of course I would walk into the corn field if this was Field of Dreams.   I wouldn't be going to heaven though.  Someone evil would be tricking me into getting attacked by evil scarecrows.  It's hard to keep waking up when I know I'm going to be waking up to hell for the next 40 years.

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6 hours ago, iWantRope said:

If I'm paying money to a therapist, he/she better have solutions for the list of problems I'm facing

The words do not exist to express how much I wish it worked that way!  Unfortunately, we are still responsible for solving our own problems ... just with help.  

There have been so many times I have wanted to just walk away from everything. Buy a bus ticket to wherever the next bus is going, and when it stops, just start walking.  Maybe sleep in a cardboard box under a bridge.  No, it does not sound like fun, but at least I would be leaving behind the crap I cannot seem to fix.

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8 hours ago, Ratvan said:

I'd just like to stop self sabotaging relationships to be honest. 

Homework is basically get a date before the next session (to boost my self confidence),l which i dont like the idea of as I havent yet given up on my SO

Oh homework haha, all that did was give fodder for next session about why I didn't do the homework...

8 hours ago, sober4life said:

Therapy for me was just another person I was afraid of.  Sure it would be nice to talk about my problems but there's no chance I'll trust anyone again to be able to talk about anything really.  Someone could stop me and ask what time is it or ask for directions and I would be suspicious of them.  Of course I can't open up about real issues.

In the end, I don't think I care about CBT, DBT, ACT, body therapy, etc...I just want someone to listen to me. Maybe a hug sometimes. And for it to not cost money. Oh well.

53 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

There have been so many times I have wanted to just walk away from everything. Buy a bus ticket to wherever the next bus is going, and when it stops, just start walking.  Maybe sleep in a cardboard box under a bridge.  No, it does not sound like fun, but at least I would be leaving behind the crap I cannot seem to fix.

I don't wanna be homeless, but stuff like living in a hostel in some foreign country, or van living, or off-grid living, has been so appealing to me lately.

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

The words do not exist to express how much I wish it worked that way!  Unfortunately, we are still responsible for solving our own problems ... just with help.  

There have been so many times I have wanted to just walk away from everything. Buy a bus ticket to wherever the next bus is going, and when it stops, just start walking.  Maybe sleep in a cardboard box under a bridge.  No, it does not sound like fun, but at least I would be leaving behind the crap I cannot seem to fix.

That sounds like my Salvation Army retirement plan.  They will give you a free bus ticket to anywhere in the US if you say you have a friend or family member living in that state.

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1 hour ago, Kogent5 said:

I don't wanna be homeless, but stuff like living in a hostel in some foreign country, or van living, or off-grid living, has been so appealing to me lately.

Yeah, van living sounds even better.  Just go wherever, stay as long as it works out, and leave at a moments notice.  I like that. Of course I would like that.  It would allow me to 'run away' repeatedly.  No more long term responsibility.  Evidently, I am enamored with the idea of running away whenever things get tough.  What a coward!

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Why do we always have to be strong though?  Life is short so if we can get away from hard situations why not?  I've been strong enough in this life.  All it's given me is PTSD and a body and mind that feels like it's on it's last leg.  I'm ready to hide from this world and run from it as much as I can.  This is a scary place!

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

Yeah, van living sounds even better.  Just go wherever, stay as long as it works out, and leave at a moments notice.  I like that. Of course I would like that.  It would allow me to 'run away' repeatedly.  No more long term responsibility.  Evidently, I am enamored with the idea of running away whenever things get tough.  What a coward!

Oh absolutely. You don't stay too long in one area means you can't plant roots and get hurt. Developing deep relationships just seems to end up in suffering for me. Cowards live unusually long lives by avoiding danger 🙋‍♀️

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Yeah people are the danger.  I love animals.  Every time I go for a walk the only animals that stick around are the ones that are fenced in and can't get away.  All the rest run away, fly away or at least yell and scream in their language to warn the other animals.  I need to trust their opinions of people.

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I'm kind of down. Bad earache that has lasted several days. Also, I posted incorrectly on another messageboard and was called out on it. That always makes me feel like a dunce. 

Pretty good rice and beans from my crockpot, though. also having a bit of fun with character and place sketches.

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

I was just taking a nap.  It's a place where I get to still be with mom.  Of course I would walk into the corn field if this was Field of Dreams.   I wouldn't be going to heaven though.  Someone evil would be tricking me into getting attacked by evil scarecrows.  It's hard to keep waking up when I know I'm going to be waking up to hell for the next 40 years.

I hade a dream about a devil cat but well it’s like this I thought it was but honestly it wasn’t I was also with my kids  I don’t know what’s going on but am scared of it

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I'm feeling pretty good about myself and things today. I managed to wake up on time and shower before getting ready to catch the train to work. Had a really nice walk into the office as the weather wasn't too hot so i didn't arrive out of breath and a sweaty swampy mess as usual. The train was practically empty too which was a massive benefit. 

Things at home with M/The Ex/ The Mrs whatever we are currently are going well, i think. I love how we are able to talk about anything together at the moment and is giving me faith that there might be something there to rescue. 

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20 hours ago, Ratvan said:

I had my first ever Therapy session (CBT) yesterday, all day today i have been really struggling to concentrate on work. I have been given some "homework" which is meant to help me boost my self esteem and confidence. I just really dont like the idea of it

May I ask if it is one on one therapy or is it in a group?

I have done CBT with a therapist and in some groups.   

My therapists always give me homework.  

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47 minutes ago, Ratvan said:

I'm feeling pretty good about myself and things today. I managed to wake up on time and shower before getting ready to catch the train to work. Had a really nice walk into the office as the weather wasn't too hot so i didn't arrive out of breath and a sweaty swampy mess as usual. The train was practically empty too which was a massive benefit. 

Things at home with M/The Ex/ The Mrs whatever we are currently are going well, i think. I love how we are able to talk about anything together at the moment and is giving me faith that there might be something there to rescue. 

Awesome!  Good to hear 🙂  Have a super day!

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54 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Feeling a bit glum. Not too bad I suppose. I've got things to do today which will help me feel better at least. 

It's very windy today, hope I can get a walk in without being blown away 😳

I just need more people in my life. I'm too isolated 😔

Oh no.  I hope you feel better as the day progresses.  

I am just going to sleep now.  It is 4 am my time Friday morning.

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2 minutes ago, duck said:

May I ask if it is one on one therapy or is it in a group?

I have done CBT with a therapist and in some groups.   

My therapists always give me homework.  

Well that was my first session so was a one on one via Zoom, as we progress I have been told that I am likely to be invited to the groups and pairs work that they provide, not there yet though.

How did you find CBT? I wasnt expecting it to be as difficult as I am finding it so far, but then I guess that is the whole point in changing my thinking?

1 minute ago, duck said:

Awesome!  Good to hear 🙂  Have a super day!

Thank you buddy, and you

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19 hours ago, iWantRope said:

If I'm paying money to a therapist, he/she better have solutions for the list of problems I'm facing

I pay them money and they ask questions and write notes!   No suggestions!  No advice! No Solutions!    I am very ill and I have to find solutions!

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1 hour ago, Nightjar said:

Feeling a bit glum. Not too bad I suppose. I've got things to do today which will help me feel better at least. 

It's very windy today, hope I can get a walk in without being blown away 😳

I just need more people in my life. I'm too isolated 😔

Sorry to hear you're feeling a little glum and I'm glad to see that you're here, writing about it. It's okay to not be okay. You're still perfectly acceptable to me, such as you are. 

You need to meet more people? It's been hard for me to meet new people during this pandemic, I can't take very many risks. How about you?  I'm mostly staring at people on the screen. That experience isn't lovely but for me, it is necessary. I'm a social creature (who also lives with chronic anxiety and depression); so I am a ridiculous creature. 🤷‍♂️ 🤪

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2 hours ago, Atra said:

Sorry to hear you're feeling a little glum and I'm glad to see that you're here, writing about it. It's okay to not be okay. You're still perfectly acceptable to me, such as you are. 

You need to meet more people? It's been hard for me to meet new people during this pandemic, I can't take very many risks. How about you?  I'm mostly staring at people on the screen. That experience isn't lovely but for me, it is necessary. I'm a social creature (who also lives with chronic anxiety and depression); so I am a ridiculous creature. 🤷‍♂️ 🤪

Thanky'Atra. 

I'm open to calculated risks but not medium to large type risks. If I had the chance to spend time with a new person I most probably would but probably not more than one or two new people. 

A few good friends would be enough but I'm not in a good position to make new ones. Even though a lot of places have reopened where I am 😉 money is very very tight. This is especially true for me at the moment as I'm saving hard to try to move and so attending clubs, classes, gym etc notsomuch....I'm hoping for that after I move. 

Moving, now that's a whole other story. I face the stress of moving during covid. But never mind that, I face the wrath of narc mom 😳 for having the audacity to want to live my own life and move away.. I also face her quite possibly taking my income away 😥 Y'know, at this point, I'm thinking **** it. Whatever will be, will be. I will still be better off without her lording it over me. I feel I need to start again somewhere she isn't....

Somewhere I'm not nervous she will arrive at my door at any minute and harass me. Somewhere she hasn't told all kinds of lies about me. Somewhere I can start again away from people I've been hurt by in this town because I never had any help from family. Somewhere I don't have to worry about working at an unskilled job and having people say how far I've fallen. Somewhere I can just be me without a mountain of judgement. 

Wish me luck 😳

 

 

 

Edited by Nightjar
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13 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Thanky'Atra. 

I'm open to calculated risks but not medium to large type risks. If I had the chance to spend time with a new person I most probably would but probably not more than one or two new people. 

A few good friends would be enough but I'm not in a good position to make new ones. Even though a lot of places have reopened where I am 😉 money is very very tight. This is especially true for me at the moment as I'm saving hard to try to move and so attending clubs, classes, gym etc notsomuch....I'm hoping for that after I move. 

Moving, now that's a whole other story. I face the stress of moving during covid. But never mind that, I face the wrath of narc mom 😳 for having the audacity to want to live my own life and move away.. I also face her quite possibly taking my income away 😥 Y'know, at this point, I'm thinking **** it. Whatever will be, will be. I will still be better off without her lording it over me. I feel I need to start again somewhere she isn't....

Somewhere I'm not nervous she will arrive at my door at any minute and harass me. Somewhere she hasn't told all kinds of lies about me. Somewhere I can start again away from people I've been hurt by in this town because I never had any help from family. Somewhere I don't have to worry about working at an unskilled job and having people say how far I've fallen. Somewhere I can just be me without a mountain of judgement. 

Wish me luck 😳

 

 

 

I feel you, I have been struggling through Lockdown as most of my friends are either at the opposite end of the UK or abroad. I have tried some apps for friends, everyone seems up for meeting and getting along until it gets to meet in person then I dont know the motivation seems to drop off and once again it feels like I am giving everything and receiving nothing

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