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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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On 8/10/2020 at 5:32 PM, sober4life said:

I got sober and tried to improve my life in every way I could to try to start a family of my own.  3 years later and absolutely no hope of that ever happening I failed.  The only hope I have left is the hope that I die this year.

Three years. Just think about that. In my case booze was probably the biggest hurdle I've ever had to overcome. And with your help, I was able to clear it and keep on running. Thanks, my dear friend.

Edited by JD4010
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I still have this opportunity dangling in front of me. "Limited Time Offer." There seems to be the prospect of lots of happiness if I make the jump. One of my fondest dreams would come true.

But! And there's always a "but" in my life--I'd be moving 8 hours away. My ex is becoming partially disabled and my adult daughter (age 25) still lives with her. My daughter can't drive because of her vision. Six years after the divorce and I still do a lot of chores for them--buy groceries, mow the lawn, clean the cat litter boxes, etc. etc.

What it comes down to is this: How much guilt will I be plagued with if I actually do something that will bring me a lot of happiness and pleasure?

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53 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Three years. Just think about that. In my case booze was probably the biggest hurdle I've ever had to overcome. And with your help, I was able to clear it and keep on running. Thanks, my dear friend.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my friends here.  Thank you for your help my friend.  The angels here are what kept me going this whole time.  I feel a good bit better today.  

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6 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

It’s exhausting to constantly have to fight with mental illness and life circumstances at the same time but we are conquers my friend.  Hang in there my friend and continue to be strong 💪 

very exhausting , but we are fighting it..

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On 8/11/2020 at 12:38 PM, ladysmurf said:

I don't think that's true sober, we care for you. we never said or thought we hope you never return to this website. don't be so hard on yourself. if you continue to make connections with people you never know what might happen, you can't give up because you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I'll be ok my friend.  Thank you for being there for me.  You've helped me so much and I'll never forget it.  This life is very hard but I will never give up!

Edited by sober4life
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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I still have this opportunity dangling in front of me. "Limited Time Offer." There seems to be the prospect of lots of happiness if I make the jump. One of my fondest dreams would come true.

But! And there's always a "but" in my life--I'd be moving 8 hours away. My ex is becoming partially disabled and my adult daughter (age 25) still lives with her. My daughter can't drive because of her vision. Six years after the divorce and I still do a lot of chores for them--buy groceries, mow the lawn, clean the cat litter boxes, etc. etc.

What it comes down to is this: How much guilt will I be plagued with if I actually do something that will bring me a lot of happiness and pleasure?

Leaving after a divorce is what everyone does.  They have to for their sanity.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  Will you feel guilty?  Yes we will always feel guilty about something.  That disease in our head can't allow us to feel happy or content but you can't keep going on like this.  I know how your mind works.  You found a different way to do things.  You found a way out and a way to be happy.  Nothing scares brains like ours more than that.  Our mind will try to sabotage things the whole way.  Run for your life get out of there while you still can!

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9 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I still have this opportunity dangling in front of me. "Limited Time Offer." There seems to be the prospect of lots of happiness if I make the jump. One of my fondest dreams would come true.

But! And there's always a "but" in my life--I'd be moving 8 hours away. My ex is becoming partially disabled and my adult daughter (age 25) still lives with her. My daughter can't drive because of her vision. Six years after the divorce and I still do a lot of chores for them--buy groceries, mow the lawn, clean the cat litter boxes, etc. etc.

What it comes down to is this: How much guilt will I be plagued with if I actually do something that will bring me a lot of happiness and pleasure?

Well, you deserved some happiness in your life also 

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13 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I still have this opportunity dangling in front of me. "Limited Time Offer." There seems to be the prospect of lots of happiness if I make the jump. One of my fondest dreams would come true.

But! And there's always a "but" in my life--I'd be moving 8 hours away. My ex is becoming partially disabled and my adult daughter (age 25) still lives with her. My daughter can't drive because of her vision. Six years after the divorce and I still do a lot of chores for them--buy groceries, mow the lawn, clean the cat litter boxes, etc. etc.

What it comes down to is this: How much guilt will I be plagued with if I actually do something that will bring me a lot of happiness and pleasure?

Have you talked with your daughter about this? I wonder if she would be more supportive than you think. I don't drive and during non-pandemic times I really don't have much trouble getting around, including groceries. I'd love it if my dad would just be like "screw it, you're all on your own, I'm gonna go enjoy myself now" and just left. I'm not joking. I've seen him suffer enough.

If you are paying your wife's alimony, is there a reason she can't get someone to help her? It just seems like you've put so much on your plate.

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18 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I still have this opportunity dangling in front of me. "Limited Time Offer." There seems to be the prospect of lots of happiness if I make the jump. One of my fondest dreams would come true.

But! And there's always a "but" in my life--I'd be moving 8 hours away. My ex is becoming partially disabled and my adult daughter (age 25) still lives with her. My daughter can't drive because of her vision. Six years after the divorce and I still do a lot of chores for them--buy groceries, mow the lawn, clean the cat litter boxes, etc. etc.

What it comes down to is this: How much guilt will I be plagued with if I actually do something that will bring me a lot of happiness and pleasure?

Is she incapable of mowing the lawn? Getting groceries? Honestly? Maybe she could employ someone to help a bit? Didn't she get all the money? 

Is your daughter better off spending lots of time with miserable you or quality time with happy you? 🤔 Wouldn't being a bit more independent be a good thing for her ultimately? 

I want you to go and be happy. Always have felt like this because I'm in the same boat, desperate to get away and staying because of guilt....I have a plan. I hope I can follow it through. I hope you can too 😁

NJ

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On 8/8/2020 at 3:40 PM, jkd_sd said:

Not exactly sure.  Tired for one thing.

Just got back to town.  Long story, so I will try for the shortest version.  Mother is in the hospital.  They are taking good care of her, but her condition has its 'ups and downs'.  It looks like things are going to work out one of two ways, but both options have their own issues and complications.    

Have been busy with this for the past several days.  It has been hectic!  But I have been coping.  Mom is scheduled to get out of the hospital today.  Way too much to explain, but today and tomorrow promise to be 10 times as hectic as before.   <*sigh*>   

If you have any to spare, please send good vibes my way.  I should be back on this site in a couple days.

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2 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

Have been busy with this for the past several days.  It has been hectic!  But I have been coping.  Mom is scheduled to get out of the hospital today.  Way too much to explain, but today and tomorrow promise to be 10 times as hectic as before.   <*sigh*>   

If you have any to spare, please send good vibes my way.  I should be back on this site in a couple days.

I'm sending good vibes and love to you and your mom right now!❤️

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22 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'll be ok my friend.  Thank you for being there for me.  You've helped me so much and I'll never forget it.  This life is very hard but I will never give up!

you have helped me as well, everyone on this website helps each other.., because we know what we all go through ...i'm not having a good day today...so I will try to push myself to go for a walk..

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10 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

you have helped me as well, everyone on this website helps each other.., because we know what we all go through ...i'm not having a good day today...so I will try to push myself to go for a walk..

A walk sounds very good 

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

you have helped me as well, everyone on this website helps each other.., because we know what we all go through ...i'm not having a good day today...so I will try to push myself to go for a walk..

On my bad days a nature walk always helps me.

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I'm having a really hard time today. I finally have broken down.

I've been acting all stoic, trying to be super strong and positive-minded for months, and today, I finally cracked and broke into tears.

Everything finally hit me really hard today, and brought me to my knees - dealing with a toxic boss and a most toxic work environment for two years straight, then COVID hits, then I get laid off, then to top it all off, my former CEO hit on me yesterday while at lunch together. For some reason, it was the final straw that sent me over the edge, and today I've been in tears on and off all day. I'm a big puddle. 

And all this time, I've put a big smile on my face, I've been positive for all those around me, trying to lift everyone else up and trying to keep my own spirits up as well.

Well, I cracked. I cannot be positive or strong all the time, and I feel really weakened. 

I didn't eat all day either. I finally forced myself to reheat a piece of pizza. When I get like this, I don't eat. 

How's everyone else doing? 

Tough times these days for most, I'm sure. COVID is making things really hard, though I've run across a few people in my life who seem unaffected. Good for them, I say. I'm happy that some seem to be doing well through this crazy time in our lives. 

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I go from stoic and being strong for others to meltdowns over and over because I'm not really strong.  I'm pretending to be strong.  I never thought I would see a year like this in my life.  It's a horror story that before this I thought couldn't even be written but this is real.  I had a nice birthday in early March but what the world was on that day is probably gone forever.  I am scared very scared but I'll never let anyone know that.  I have to somehow survive this even though I have no idea what this world will become.  I'm not sure if I'll want to be here when this is all over if it ever is over.  Maybe this is the end.

Edited by sober4life
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14 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

you have helped me as well, everyone on this website helps each other.., because we know what we all go through ...

Still dunno if 'real' help can be found on DF forums..far as I know everyone on DF is a fellow sufferer, no one is sufficiently qualified to give advice that's applicable

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This is the first time I've felt self-centred/selfish in...a long while. It feels really good tbh. The first time in a month I haven't woken up feeling nauseous, like I wanted to die. I'm usually so stressed and guilt-ridden worrying about how my actions will negatively affect others.

I decided I'm going to just deal with my extended relatives' wrath when I don't reply to their requests. It's okay if they think I'm an awful, greedy person. I barely know them so what is it to me? They'll just go back into the shadows and badmouth me. Not like anyone knows who I am back home anyways, we moved when I was a baby! I don't plan on ever returning to my home country ever again. There's nothing there for me.

Maybe that's what I needed to be okay with...not being a perfect, or even an unselfish, person. I know I hold myself to a demented standard that I never meet. I'm human. I have my own wants and desire to protect myself that might conflict with other people's wants. I don't like being a doormat. I'll be good in my own way, on my own terms. I'm just really tired of living life according to other people's opinions.

It would be nice if I could keep this energy going. I know it will go away. But it's nice to feel like this for this moment, at least.

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10 hours ago, iWantRope said:

Still dunno if 'real' help can be found on DF forums..far as I know everyone on DF is a fellow sufferer, no one is sufficiently qualified to give advice that's applicable

iWantRope, i don't want to argue with you, nor will I. Yeah we might not be medical professionals to give advice , but we actually live this illness on a daily basis. Many times people have heard me out here, and have given me advice, and suggestions that have helped me.  I hope that I have done the same for others as well. It's one thing to be professional and be able to identity a persons mental illness, and another like us who actually deal with it. I find support from others very helpful, because they live it, so do I..

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@Nightjar and @Kogent5 Thanks for your advice. It's helpful to hear other people's perspectives on this.  

Yes, my ex is getting massive "maintenance" payments from me every month. I'm completely strapped. To top it off, she gets half of my retirement as well. I might as well become homeless right now and be done with it.

Since the divorce, she has become somewhat disabled with a balance issue...makes it hard for her to get around so my daughter and I do almost everything for  her.

My daughter could really benefit from being more independent.

When my parents divorced when I was 9, my dad moved away in short order. My mom married my stepdad about a year and a half later so I had a dad again. My ex won't be remarrying, I'm positive of that. 

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