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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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15 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

Not exactly sure.  Tired for one thing.

Just got back to town.  Long story, so I will try for the shortest version.  Mother is in the hospital.  They are taking good care of her, but her condition has its 'ups and downs'.  It looks like things are going to work out one of two ways, but both options have their own issues and complications.    

Sorry to hear Mom is in hospital.   I hope she recovers soon.  HUGS!!!

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I had a rough day on Saturday.  Rough days are becoming more common for me.   Fortunately, I was able to get some peace of mind late Saturday night into early Sunday morning.

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This is weird but my cousin sent me this link to this book. I read the intro sample pages and realized SHE had written it. It's some kind of memoir. Who knows what she's written about my family in it 😑 I really don't want to read it but it'd probably rude not to buy it, right? Plus it's a religious book...ugh. She's probably gonna pop quiz me about it...

This is the least of the family drama from the past week, but it's weird to feel a burden of obligation to people I don't feel much (or any) emotional attachment to. Unless "dread" is an emotional attachment.

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3 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

but it's weird to feel a burden of obligation to people I don't feel much (or any) emotional attachment to. Unless "dread" is an emotional attachment.

That's how I feel about everyone in my life right now.  

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

That's how I feel about everyone in my life right now.  

Usually, when my thoughts get really dark, I would use my stop-gap: "I always have the choice to get up and walk away from everything." But it's not working anymore. Walking away from everyone could mean disasterous things for many relatives. That sounds like hyperbole but it's not. I know the US is not doing well with the pandemic, but there are countries that are going to be crushed, including my home country. I feel completely trapped by my obligations, and they are obligations to people a world away who I barely know (some not at all). 

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4 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

Usually, when my thoughts get really dark, I would use my stop-gap: "I always have the choice to get up and walk away from everything." But it's not working anymore. Walking away from everyone could mean disasterous things for many relatives.

Yes, though my justification is something like: How am I supposed to be able to help others when I'm the one that needs the help? I guess it could be called selfishness on my part, but then I see no way to break through it and be able to do the actions needed to help others.

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On 8/8/2020 at 6:34 PM, sober4life said:

I've never enjoyed any relationship of any kind so far but you know depression I "need" someone.  Within 10 seconds of absolutely anyone on earth showing up here I would run out the back door and jump the fence like the deer.

i think any relationship is hard, whether your partner is suffering an illness or not ...All we can hope for is finding the right person who won't let us down..I have seen many people stick by their partners in sickness, and I admire them and respect them...others walk away...but there's always 2 sides to a story...so it gets complicated.......All we can hope is that we meet someone nice enough who respects and understands this illness to support us

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You, are so right my granddaughter asked me on yesterday why do I sleep so much.  I said baby grandpa be tired from working all the time.  But in reality it’s my depression and I just want to be to myself.  My foster daughter said the same thing about me 13 years ago that I sleep all the time.  So when my granddaughter said it it gave me flashbacks that I do suffer from mental illness but I do the best I can with it. I am so grateful that my wife has put up with me for over twenty- eight years. 

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17 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Yes, though my justification is something like: How am I supposed to be able to help others when I'm the one that needs the help? I guess it could be called selfishness on my part, but then I see no way to break through it and be able to do the actions needed to help others.

Wow, it is hard to do but it can be done

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4 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

i think any relationship is hard, whether your partner is suffering an illness or not ...All we can hope for is finding the right person who won't let us down..I have seen many people stick by their partners in sickness, and I admire them and respect them...others walk away...but there's always 2 sides to a story...so it gets complicated.......All we can hope is that we meet someone nice enough who respects and understands this illness to support us

I got sober and tried to improve my life in every way I could to try to start a family of my own.  3 years later and absolutely no hope of that ever happening I failed.  The only hope I have left is the hope that I die this year.

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14 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

Wow, it is hard to do but it can be done

Yes, though it seems I'd need to take care of the immediate problems first. It's sort like those instructions on airplanes: Before putting an oxygen mask on your child, make sure you have one on you.

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13 hours ago, sober4life said:

I got sober and tried to improve my life in every way I could to try to start a family of my own.  3 years later and absolutely no hope of that ever happening I failed.  The only hope I have left is the hope that I die this year.

Sober, you have not failed because you just do not want to start a family with anyone. You want the right one baby.

Hang in there and good things can happen to you.

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14 hours ago, sober4life said:

I got sober and tried to improve my life in every way I could to try to start a family of my own.  3 years later and absolutely no hope of that ever happening I failed.  The only hope I have left is the hope that I die this year.

I realized after many years of struggling that life is not perfect, not fair, etc... All we can do is hope for the best...once i accepted that I was able to slowly move on .. I am glad you got sober and still are, and I hope you meet someone you can start a family with , you never know what could be waiting out there for you.. I really hope you don't feel that way because we need you here.

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I do feel that way at this point.  I'm tired of fighting a fight where I look like the stupidest one that's ever done it.  Not in a million years do I believe there is someone out there for me.  Usually when I tell someone how I feel they rip me to shreds.  Usually when people find out they have something in common with me that will be the last time I see them.  I try to make connections with people.  It doesn't work.  Anyone I see today it doesn't matter who it is or what the reason is I'm seeing them.  That person hopes I never come around again.

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2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

I realized after many years of struggling that life is not perfect, not fair, etc... All we can do is hope for the best...once i accepted that I was able to slowly move on .. I am glad you got sober and still are, and I hope you meet someone you can start a family with , you never know what could be waiting out there for you.. I really hope you don't feel that way because we need you here.

Amen

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I do feel that way at this point.  I'm tired of fighting a fight where I look like the stupidest one that's ever done it.  Not in a million years do I believe there is someone out there for me.  Usually when I tell someone how I feel they rip me to shreds.  Usually when people find out they have something in common with me that will be the last time I see them.  I try to make connections with people.  It doesn't work.  Anyone I see today it doesn't matter who it is or what the reason is I'm seeing them.  That person hopes I never come around again.

Wow, well I do hope things change for you and I am looking forward for you to share the good news with us one day.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I do feel that way at this point.  I'm tired of fighting a fight where I look like the stupidest one that's ever done it.  Not in a million years do I believe there is someone out there for me.  Usually when I tell someone how I feel they rip me to shreds.  Usually when people find out they have something in common with me that will be the last time I see them.  I try to make connections with people.  It doesn't work.  Anyone I see today it doesn't matter who it is or what the reason is I'm seeing them.  That person hopes I never come around again.

I don't think that's true sober, we care for you. we never said or thought we hope you never return to this website. don't be so hard on yourself. if you continue to make connections with people you never know what might happen, you can't give up because you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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I am having a very crazy day at work and so many people are going through difficult times.  My phones are ringing like crazy and there are

so many people at my desk. I am trying not to get over stressed and allow my adrenaline level to increase.  

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On 8/10/2020 at 3:06 PM, Floor2017 said:

You, are so right my granddaughter asked me on yesterday why do I sleep so much.  I said baby grandpa be tired from working all the time.  But in reality it’s my depression and I just want to be to myself.  My foster daughter said the same thing about me 13 years ago that I sleep all the time.  So when my granddaughter said it it gave me flashbacks that I do suffer from mental illness but I do the best I can with it. I am so grateful that my wife has put up with me for over twenty- eight years. 

I am in the same boat.  I am exhausted most of the time. HUGS!

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4 hours ago, duck said:

I am in the same boat.  I am exhausted most of the time. HUGS!

It’s exhausting to constantly have to fight with mental illness and life circumstances at the same time but we are conquers my friend.  Hang in there my friend and continue to be strong 💪 

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