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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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Just a few more hours until vacation starts.

Conclusion of HR's 'investigation' - nothing in the complaint that is any business of theirs, nothing that will affect my employment. Folliwed by here are copies of all comunications, you should file a complaint with the Police, which I have done 🙂

 

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This morning I found out that someone from my church who I always looked up to is sitting in jail for something they did several years ago they are facing jail time for many years and large fines I feel sorry for everyone involved it got my anxiety going sky-high scared and worried about my kid that has mental illness and if she is going to get kicked out again she is over 800 miles away from me and I am just freaking out I am trying best not to talk to her so much because she misses me so much but yet she don't want to be here with me my emotions are all over the place just couldn't stop crying today I know God has plans for her in this church member but all I want to do is crawl in a hole and cry

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I was planning on leaving this place but I've changed my mind.  I can go out on my porch and hear ducks and horses.  I can see cows and I can see all kinds of animals in my yard every day.  I can see tons of animals on my walks.  The truth is this is the perfect place for me to live and there's not anyone tough enough to run me out of here!

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7 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I was planning on leaving this place but I've changed my mind.  I can go out on my porch and hear ducks and horses.  I can see cows and I can see all kinds of animals in my yard every day.  I can see tons of animals on my walks.  The truth is this is the perfect place for me to live and there's not anyone tough enough to run me out of here!

You are fortunate. One thing that keeps me going (FWIW) is the thought of someday retiring to such a place, away from the quiet desperation of suburban life (and sometimes not so quiet, especially during rush hour and the occasional shooting).

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Very tired. Lack of sleep. Still, I got sh*t done today and so I'm pleased with that. Did new things too that I haven't done before. Wish I hadn't been manipulated into visiting narc mom when I didn't want to. At least I didn't stay long. I'm off to bed hopeful for a Better night's sleep. 

Nite guys 

NJ 

 

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Well, I did manage to settle myself down, make some preparations, and run some errands.  Yes!  I know that I enjoy getting out and feel better when I do so -- have even discussed it with my counselor.  Depression just makes me feel like I can't. I absolutely must do a better job of remembering that depression lies!

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Hi old friends and new ones too.

My laptop crashed and died, the stay at home order and the public library being closed I haven't been able to spend time here. or anywhere.  That screen on the cellphone is too ****little to see anything on. Yeah, I'm getting older  and needing stronger glasses! (cue the laughter!!)

I have been doing okay until the weather became too hot and humid to work outside. I had been working on clearing out the ivy and wisteria that had taken over the front and back yards. So I 've been inside for the past week and feeling lousy, doing nothing even though there is a long list of what needs to be done inside, just watching tv and sleeping to escape life. 

One thing I have noticed about myself is that I am less of an introvert while wearing a mask. I have actual conversations with people as long as they stay 6 feet away from me and are wearing a mask.

Be save and if you haven't heard this, You are stronger than you think!

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2 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

Well, I did manage to settle myself down, make some preparations, and run some errands.  Yes!  I know that I enjoy getting out and feel better when I do so -- have even discussed it with my counselor.  Depression just makes me feel like I can't. I absolutely must do a better job of remembering that depression lies!

I would love to know what that voice in our heads is or maybe this is a truth I don't even want to know.  The voice of depression, the voice of the disease, if you're religious you might say the voice of the devil.  We all have the voice in our heads to some degree that constantly tries to mess up our lives.  The question is why would whatever created us essentially put a joker in our heads that tries to work against us every step of the way?

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When I'm able to step outside of the mire of negativity I see just how much of a critic and judge and am of myself. Wish those instances weren't so instant 😄

On that note, just a few moments today where I pressed mental replay to critique and analyze how I acted/what I said, etc. The struggle is real sometimes lol. Been out of town in a touristy spot and lots of folks about. Ah, introversion 😉

 

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I realized my new meds are having an effect. As usual, the second I felt a shift in my mind, I panicked. "OMG these are drugs! They're doing something to me! I can feel it! I'm losing it! Oh no! Oh no!!" And when it inevitably passed, a different feeling settled in. It was a feeling of having small bits of control over my thoughts - or maybe having the capacity to keep up with them. I've never experienced that, so it's no wonder I panicked. Having thoughts without being overwhelmed by them? I don't believe it.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I would love to know what that voice in our heads is or maybe this is a truth I don't even want to know.

I do not actually hear a voice in my head.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I did.  In reality, it is the point of view, mood, or perspective I am in at the time.   Logically, I know that I can take these items, get in my vehicle, drive to a certain location to drop off one item, drive to a specific store to buy the items I wrote on my list, take my purchases home, etc....  When I feel 'normal' (whatever that is), I just do it ... one foot in front of the other, without making a big deal out of it.  However, when I am struggling with depression, I get stuck in this 'feeling' of "I can't do that..."; "What if something happens..."; or even just a wordless dread. The word "stuck" actually makes sense.  It almost feels like I am stuck to my chair, have to drag along a bag of bowling balls, or have to move through water or jello.  Doing the task feels like it is no where near the effort it takes.  

Somewhere I read, when our brain chemistry is off because of depression, the electrochemical 'sparks' that normally jump between our brain cells sometimes do not make it.  This makes a weird kind of sense.  I cannot quite manage to do what I intended because the synapses in my brain cannot quite manage to fire between my brain cells.  

<*sigh*>  Sorry, I did not mean to rattle on like that.  This is a good example of how I try to use rationalization to 'fix' my depression, but all I manage to do is chase the thoughts around until it all spirals 'down the hole'.  

Huh.  Wonder if there is any specific reason I just thought about Paul Simon's song Still Crazy After All These Years?  🙄

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6 hours ago, sober4life said:

I would love to know what that voice in our heads is or maybe this is a truth I don't even want to know.  The voice of depression, the voice of the disease, if you're religious you might say the voice of the devil.  We all have the voice in our heads to some degree that constantly tries to mess up our lives.  The question is why would whatever created us essentially put a joker in our heads that tries to work against us every step of the way?

Hey sober. Have you ever checked out eckhart tolle or byron Katie on YouTube? They talk about the voice in the head in detail and give advice on how to get control of that bastard! I think you might really like them.. Especially Byron Katie 🤗 These two are my spiritual mum and dad but I'm happy to share 😊 

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On 7/31/2020 at 3:31 AM, womanofthelight said:

Were you able to rest then?  It makes me wonder if we're just wired not to sleep much.  I had a nutritionist tell me I didn't need much food or much sleep.  If I were living in the Stone Age I might be comforted by that.  As it is now, I want nothing more than to be unconscious for long stretches at a time.

😴zzzzzzzzzzz . . .

Good question.  Sometimes I am not tired and I am awake for a day or two, other times I am sleeping non-stop.

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