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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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48 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I went through a lot of trauma as a child too.  Mom was the only good person in my life back then.  Making her proud now is all that matters.  The last time I talked to mom I had to tell her I could do this on my own.  You have to put the person you love at ease and make them think you will be ok when they leave this world.  I didn't believe it when I said it.  I had to say it because I love her more than anyone.  Today is the first day I know I'm going to be ok.  I know my love for her is why I've made it this far.  Yesterday with family was the turning point.  They made me so mad I wanted to start fighting them right there and I'm a very passive person.  I'm done with all of it.  It's time to show the world what I'm made of and time to make mom proud!

I think you meant it, and you will achieve your goals, and make her proud. Your talk about your mother with a lot of respect and it seems like she was a big part of your life. I know you will make her proud, (it might not seem like it because this illness makes us suffer a lot , and so do people who don't believe in it) but I think you will do fine.

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1 hour ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

... i do find it hard to stick up for myself when i am low. I think there is a biological reason why that is.

 

Omg! I totally just came to this realization about myself like just last week! I've been feeling better and it's time to start defending myself again. Doesn't mean I'm always truly heard or understood, but at least I am beginning to try again.

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So, are mood and how you're feeling the same thing?

 

My mood is dropping. I feel bad about myself that I spend so much time online...but bad that I have nothing irl that matters much to me...although I will be going to visit some kitties today! Sigh! But even that I don't feel as excited as I should. I'm tired. Lack of sleep doesn't usually bring mood down tho, or does it? Can it? I never really thought about it!

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48 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I went through a lot of trauma as a child too.  Mom was the only good person in my life back then.  Making her proud now is all that matters.  The last time I talked to mom I had to tell her I could do this on my own.  You have to put the person you love at ease and make them think you will be ok when they leave this world.  I didn't believe it when I said it.  I had to say it because I love her more than anyone.  Today is the first day I know I'm going to be ok.  I know my love for her is why I've made it this far.  Yesterday with family was the turning point.  They made me so mad I wanted to start fighting them right there and I'm a very passive person.  I'm done with all of it.  It's time to show the world what I'm made of and time to make mom proud!

I really loved what you said and it reminded me a bit of me and my mother. I would be lost and even not here today without her love, support and doing the best to help me. We had a bumpy start when I was younger though now I'm older we are much stronger now. We  both love each other very much beyond words. We both may argue and not fully get each other at times. However  we are trying and doing our best each day to do so. 

I love what you said last: "  It's time to show the world what I'm made of and time to make mom proud! "

I am doing my best to show the world and prove all who hurt me in my past I AM worth something, I'm  very strong and not weak nor pathetic. I'm NOT afraid to speak my mind either anymore and if it's too honest well oh well. I rather be real with people and NOT sugar coat things like some do. I am doing this as well for my mother and myself, so far it's all good at the moment. 

Bless you and I hope things get much better for you soon. It may take some time but it will happen for you.

*sending good and positive vibes you're way*~

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59 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I decided to do that since last year, and it saved my life. I  stopped listening to those who told me "grow up it's all in your head, it's a made up illness"...and I no longer associate with them. They aren't worth your time. My support has been this website, and people I met in real life who have similar issues and can relate. The rest I ignore, and don't even listen to them anymore.

For me I stuck with them in the beginning because I was afraid to do all of this on my own but I have done it all on my own.  I'm strong enough to do it on my own from here on out if I have to.  They don't add anything positive to my life.  With them in my life it's like adding a hornet's nest on my head and I'm being stung the whole time through life.  I'm not afraid to do this on my own anymore.

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2 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

@iWantRope haha well i am a real person. I must admit i saw one of my old accounts on here from 2007 and i realised i am starting to get old 27 this april. I mist have been 15 at the time. 

I agree with you about work. Employment is something i have struggled with. Toxicity in the work enviroment is on another level. Power trips, snarky comments, rudeness. Oh yes i know too well about the office enviroment.

It becomes particularly cruel because this is peoples lives we all have bills to pay, mortgages etc. So work enviroment causes so much stress and anxiety. I dont think we are designed to work in shops offices, warehouses. 

 

I don't work anymore due to how the work life truly is. I couldn't handle it sadly as well I  got mistreated pretty badly at my job, thus I ended up quiting. Since I had really bad breakdown is all I will say. In my opinion some people can handle the work life and others not so much. Though I also think that doesn't make them bad , weak or lazy if they can't work due to mental or physical issues they have. However there is more I can say about this topic but I won't and just keep it as that.

* I never thought I was old when I was around that age personally. Age doesn't phase or bother me anymore it is what it is, so it's not really a problem for me. 

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On 2/19/2020 at 4:33 PM, sober4life said:

I remember the times when I was happier.  I was happier because I had a more naive attitude about life.  I believed there was some good in the world.  I don't believe that anymore and even if there is good in the world evil is in full control so I lose.

I don't think I have ever been "happy". Neither have I ever been "depressed". I feel the ups and downs in life but at the end of the day nothing I feel adds up to anything.

It's all pointless.

I don't believe in good or evil as absolutes. In fact it all amounts to f uck all. There is no meaning to anything at all.

I have floated through life. It all feels meaningless and bland. 

I see no point in the continuation of life. Neither mine or in general. 

 All there is is void .

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10 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

I am out of work too due to mental health stigma, and a smear campaign against me. I am in temporary construction job and i hate it. 

I know how it is and it sucks 😞

I'm  on my government's financial aid program so I get my money for living from them. I was 22-23 when I had my job and haven't worked since then. I see well I hope things get better for you soon, it might take time but I know it will for you. You just got to try YOUR  best to remain and think positive as well be optimistic too. Take one day at a time and know life is not easy nor even fair sometimes to us all. You just got to keep fighting and if it's hard find support and be by people who care, help and support you. If you have none try and reach out if you can it will help you greatly. I'm not sure if this is good advice or encouragement I apologize if it sucks. Just hang in there best you can right now and stay strong. 

 

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Today is the first day I know I'm going to be ok. 

Good for you @sober4life!!  Hold onto this, and remember it when life throws its curveballs.  For some reason, I feel great satisfaction that you are so self confident. I guess, knowing how much of a struggle 'everything' can be makes me appreciate everyone's wins.

 I had to distance myself from some relatives (refuse to call them 'family'), too.  It made me feel so badly; kept thinking it was my failure.  I read a great saying that helped me put it into perspective.   "Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time."

Right now, I am feeling a mixture of emotions because I am trying to get motivated.

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Better than recently. But somewhat intimidated and overwhelmed trying to sort through financial stuff. Trying to get my loan recertified and dealing with financial aid depts...ugh. Money matters always make me nervous. Trying to get back on my feet after some poor choices...it's a climb. 

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Still reeling from a huge decision I made yesterday--to jettison myself from a relationship that was constantly weighing so heavily on my mind. I had been ruminating about it for many weeks and was falling further into despair over it. In the end, I had to make the decision what would be best for me. I feel terribly selfish and pissed off at myself.

In the long run, this has to be a better course to follow. But for right now, it's a very dark cloud I'm under.

 

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@JD4010

I was just thinking to myself, where is JD? Looks like you've been dealing with stuff. Hope that all works out and you feel better about it soon! 

 

---------

Update. I'm feeling maybe a bit better after a nap, although now I have to decide whether to take coffee or another nap cuz im still sleepy...and I missed my tv show. Sigh! But kitties await, and I want to go before it gets dark...ah, I still dunno. Maybe I'll take the coffee and if I'm still sleepy, will nap. If I'm awake, I'll get ready to go! ;)

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I am getting so frustrated - I am tired of this bipolar rollercoaster.

I wake up and the first thing I think is: today is a good day to end the pain. I tracked these thoughts while I was watching TV last night, pretty much like clockwork, every 15 minutes, I had the idea. urg

this is no way to live 8(

 

 

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14 minutes ago, StillStandinTall said:

I am getting so frustrated - I am tired of this bipolar rollercoaster.

I wake up and the first thing I think is: today is a good day to end the pain. I tracked these thoughts while I was watching TV last night, pretty much like clockwork, every 15 minutes, I had the idea. urg

this is no way to live 8(

 

 

Rollercoaster sums it up well.  One moment you can feel like you're on meth and the next moment you feel like life is over.

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Ehh Bipolar.. I wish such a thing never existed. *sighs* 

Feeling anxious at the moment and can't really focus on anything too much or for too long. I don't think It's my anxious that's the not good one though. It's just the one maybe too much on my mind or something. Regardless I feel it as well thinking how my mothers and sister  appointment with my new therapist will go tonight. I think I'm worrying or I am worrying about it. They wanted to meet her and speak with her before I see her and set up an appointment.  I hope it goes well. 😖

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35 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Rollercoaster sums it up well.  One moment you can feel like you're on meth and the next moment you feel like life is over.

I hate the hypomania as I don’t know what I’m doing. I escalate to a point of viciousness - cutting everyone down. No wonder people don't want to be my friend.

Then this depressed state of self hate creeps in. I find myself beating myself up. Like I have always done.

I have never accepted this incurable disease. But now, as I have learned the symptoms of bipolar and ADHD, finally I understand why I have lived life the way I have.

I am seeing a shrink and a counselor, I’m tired of being tired, of hating myself, of manic episodes (that recently ended with a safety check by the police)... urg

Over the years I have done a good job at isolating myself - not that I don’t try to go out (groups etc) but people never measure up to my expectations - so I go away

venting. 

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3 minutes ago, StillStandinTall said:

I hate the hypomania as I don’t know what I’m doing. I escalate to a point of viciousness - cutting everyone down. No wonder people don't want to be my friend.

Then this depressed state of self hate creeps in. I find myself beating myself up. Like I have always done.

I have never accepted this incurable disease. But now, as I have learned the symptoms of bipolar and ADHD, finally I understand why I have lived life the way I have.

I am seeing a shrink and a counselor, I’m tired of being tired, of hating myself, of manic episodes (that recently ended with a safety check by the police)... urg

I don't cut everyone down but I'm way too confident.  I'm not aggressive but I'm extremely assertive and over the top at times.  I shock people at times.  I understand how you feel though.  It's very hard feeling like superman one day and Kurt Cobain the next day.  It makes life very hard not knowing who you will wake up as tomorrow.  I don't take medication because I don't think going from that to always feeling nothing is an acceptable tradeoff but I understand being tired of this believe me.

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I had to go the Dentist 🦷 today and get a cap on my back tooth and the feelings is coming back after it been numb for fitting the cap.  I was very nervous because I have never had any serious work done to my teeth before.  But everything turned out well and I managed to keep my anxiety level down as he was grinding down my teeth for a cap to be placed on the cracked tooth 

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Another crappy day made crappier! All that made me happy was seeing "my kitties" but even that got tainted.

I messed up dinner (again) and hubby isn't too pleased. Says he keeps telling me not to let food sit in the fridge for days and to cook it right away. Well, excuse me, but we've been away for two days and I was sick of the food the day before that (like actually feeling nauseated to think about it). ugh! i'm always messing something up and i just feel like utter **** right now!

 

Oh, I guess there is some more good news. My friend came back today. Haven't had the chance to chat yet, but I saw her message. So that's a relief. I hope. Although it might not be the end. Sigh! Why must my mind go there??

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I'm in pain. I was shamed tonight by someone I've had mutual dislike with for months, but neither side would admit it. It almost dragged me off course, but I've been fighting with might and main to stay in the right path.

I'm also in pain from old stuff with my family. I'm on eggshells with them. I gave them misleading information about what I really want because of my PTSD acting up in the moment when we were talking...and now...I don't know. It's just a mess, and I don't know how to sort it out. I'm afraid of almost everything I say over text, and though we're all staying warm and loving so far, I'm terrified sometimes when I send out a text how it's going to be received. Then I tense and usually smooth out with relief when it's opened. Or sometimes I'm disappointed and hurt, but so far, everyone's being nice, respectful, accepting.

I just want all these insane knots in my life to be smoothed out, I want things straightened out and running smoothly for once. Once in a long time, anyway. 

I hope you're all doing better than me tonight. 😢 I'm trying to remember all the things that have gone right lately. Please, God, a turnaround! I'm keeping faith that good things are in the offing.

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They responded well, but now I'm embarrassed that I made a fool of myself, revealing too much, getting too emotional, coming off needy or desperate or something. Although really, I do feel that way at this point. Hopefully they can understand why I'd be emotional at a time like this, though. It's all so much to process--not only my brother's death and reconnection, but also the financial crap I have going on, and the sharp fluctuations between kindness and insensitive shaming here where I live. Ugh. I just want to get out of here and back on my feet. Even sick as I was, I have to force myself to work whatever job I can get, just to make sure I never, ever wind up in a situation like this again. I feel so bummed, yet I'm still hopeful that things will improve soon. 

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