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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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@Tymothi Personal failure sends me plummeting to the depths. Every time. And it takes every bit of energy I can muster to climb my way back up. Last night I screwed up and contacted a close friend on Messenger rather than via a text. I waited for 45 minutes and didn't hear back. Meanwhile, they were sitting on the text app waiting for me. When I found out what had happened, it was like the floor had dropped out from underneath me and I'd fallen miles. I screwed up. They had told me to text them. Something *that simple* can make me crash and burn.

Edited by JD4010
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23 hours ago, Tymothi said:

I got a new baby parsley plant and some good, not-Dollar-Store soil, so that made me feel better. It also helps when thunder pounds the air and storms pound the earth and I can sit out under the eaves and breathe.

 

I'm realizing that I'm sensitive to personal failure - REALLY sensitive - and that while everything is nice and great while you're surfing on top of the waves, it creates a kind of amnesia. I forget how I got there, or how difficult it was, and I just ride. And then once I go down, I go down hard. And then it's instinct just to stay right there and not try to climb back up and instead let the massive salty womb reclaim me forever. Why is it so hard to climb back up? Why is it so hard not only to try, but to want to try?

I've never wanted to try.  I have to try.  It's summer.  If I start getting bad people will say how can we help as they're thinking this idiot getting bad is getting in the way of my vacation coming up.  When I was 16 I saw the world for what it is.  My family came around in a big minivan saying hey do you want to go get some ice cream?  Sure I thought it's a hot day.  It was just a trick to get me into the car.  3 months later I was able to get ice cream but they sure didn't buy it for me.  In fact they never invited me to go eat anywhere after that.

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I go twice a year and have to say I have a loving supportive family and lots of friends and I have a significant other to protect myself.  It's the only reason I'm still here.  If they knew I was essentially alone in this world they would move in on me like the lions and hyenas on a gazelle.

That's awesome Sober.  

I have to see my pdoc and therapist every month because of the insurance company rules.  

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47 minutes ago, Tymothi said:

["At least I'm not alone," he said into the darkness of an empty house, smiling at a computer screen. As a giant roach scuttled unhindered across the floor before him.]

I understand that completely.  I have pet stink bugs every year.  I cried the last time my pet stink bug found a mate.

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This needs to be a rest and recovery day if that's still possible.  My mind constantly tells me something I need to do to make things better but once the big things are out of the way like now the things that need to be done make less and less sense.

Edited by sober4life
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It seems I am much more likely to post here if I am feeling down vs. feeling pretty good.  Same thing this time.  🙁

I agree with @sober4life.  I keep hoping for a better day, but it does not seem likely.  I really need to shake off this funk and start functioning.   ... and sometimes I do, but usually for someone else.  That always seems easier and more worthwhile than doing what I need to get done for me.  

Thanks for listening.  It does help to know someone else understands.  Best wishes to you all.

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It's hard because I can't just say I'm depressed.  Who's really happy right now?  Who could see hope now?  Not only are we going through hard times but every step of the way there have been people that have been total monsters through these times using it to their advantage for political gain and even trying to stop people from recovering as a move without caring whatsoever what they are putting us through.  They just want power!  The same people that are destroying the place now expect us to believe they will be our friends after the election!😒

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On 6/24/2020 at 2:27 PM, JD4010 said:

@Tymothi Personal failure sends me plummeting to the depths. Every time. And it takes every bit of energy I can muster to climb my way back up.

Similar in my case. Do successes help? For me, sometimes even small positive things cause a fleeting moment of "happiness" of sorts. I'm not sure whether it's happiness or just what others perceive as "normal," but I'd do anything for more of that.

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48 minutes ago, anon22ae said:

Similar in my case. Do successes help? For me, sometimes even small positive things cause a fleeting moment of "happiness" of sorts. I'm not sure whether it's happiness or just what others perceive as "normal," but I'd do anything for more of that.

I get a rush from some successes.  I feel good briefly but then the mind starts saying things like well yeah you won the marathon but there have been people with better times than that!  There's always a teardown of some type from my mind.

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The 'rush' from a success seems to just bring me up to 'normal' (whatever that is), but the personal failures drop me down into a deep pit.  Success = 'Well, it is about time I got something right.'  Failure = 'Damn it, again!  Well, not like it is the first time or will be the last.  Should be used to it by now.'   Like a success is a lucky accident, but a failure is an entirely-my-fault personal catastrophe.  

The only way I can tell this is warped thinking is that I do not think this way about someone else.  For someone else I am much more likely to think -- Success = 'Good job!'  Failure = 'One time mistake.'  But it does not change the way I feel about it.  Oh, well.

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

It's hard because I can't just say I'm depressed.  Who's really happy right now?  Who could see hope now?  Not only are we going through hard times but every step of the way there have been people that have been total monsters through these times using it to their advantage for political gain and even trying to stop people from recovering as a move without caring whatsoever what they are putting us through.  They just want power!  The same people that are destroying the place now expect us to believe they will be our friends after the election!😒

I quit encouraging them. I no longer vote. It's to the point of, "what would you rather have, a poke in the eye with a rusty nail or repeated kicks to the groin?" How about, "that's not a choice."

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Just now, JD4010 said:

I quit encouraging them. I no longer vote. It's to the point of, "what would you rather have, a poke in the eye with a rusty nail or repeated kicks to the groin?" How about, "that's not a choice."

Yeah there's no way I'm ever voting again after this!  Who would I vote for?  I'm not a member of either party because I know it's just 2 people that believe in nothing but going where the money leads them.  This is the scariest election in the country's history.

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Just now, sober4life said:

Yeah there's no way I'm ever voting again after this!  Who would I vote for?  I'm not a member of either party because I know it's just 2 people that believe in nothing but going where the money leads them.  This is the scariest election in the country's history.

Yep. The elite have gained complete control over what happens in the US Capitol and White House. Continuing to think that a corrupt system is going to correct itself is a pipe dream.

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On 6/24/2020 at 8:39 PM, sober4life said:

So your insurance company wants to pay more often then?:unsure:

No. No. I am on LTD.  The insurance company that pays me wants to stop paying me so they are making my life miserable by forcing me to see doctors and therapists regularly.  This is common for people who who got injured and stressed while working.  

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11 minutes ago, duck said:

No. No. I am on LTD.  The insurance company that pays me wants to stop paying me so they are making my life miserable by forcing me to see doctors and therapists regularly.  This is common for people who who got injured and stressed while working.  

They do the same thing to you here in the US when you're disabled.  You still have a full time job.  Your full time job is now going to every local doctor within a 100 miles of where you live and sometimes beyond.  Mom went through that and they tried to send me down the same path.  When mom passed away I made sure I lost my Medicaid as soon as possible so there is at least some hope.  If I had Medicare and Medicaid still I sure wouldn't be here right now.  I'd be slobbering all over myself in some corner of a local facility not knowing who I was or where I was because I was so doped.  What a joke when they try to say this world is all inclusive.  Well I guess I am included but not in any way I want to be.  The only way I survive this story is if the world forgets me and leaves me behind.

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1 minute ago, Tymothi said:

I want to fight. I want to fight. I want to fight.

 

(The sucking skeletal hand grabbing at me from the inside. Not an actual living thing.)

I want you to fight too!  I want you to have a happy life!❤️

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