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How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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On 6/19/2020 at 7:57 AM, sober4life said:

My friend that I said had the stroke passed away this morning.:sniffle1:

That's very sad.  It is awful to lose people we like.  

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34 minutes ago, duck said:

That's very sad.  It is awful to lose people we like.  

They can't even have a funeral for her.  There won't be any justice though.  There never is.  I think about what happened to her.  She got sick because she went to the hospital.  Mom's story was the same.  Then I think about every week going to see grandma at the nursing home and seeing her covered in bruises.  I'm so sick of this world!

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Posted (edited)

Introvert here :unsure:.  Before covid 19 & telework kicked in, I got out normally( well, for me).  As of this post, 80 plus days inside. My husband goes out. Then the protests kicked in, that only made my anxiety worse. It has done nothing to help with my depression, anxiety and other family members viewing my self  isolation as wrong.  I'm only biracial person in a white family. Lived in house for almost  20 years.  No other neighbors talk to me. Believe me, I've tried waving, smiling, acknowledging with short eye contact ...nothing. it's an all white community. Since then, that made me isolate (except to go to work, shop, Dr appts, PRE COVID 19 ) to begin with.  Now i see no way to be friends with neighborhood due to all the unrest. Why make the effort? I feel worse than ever. Like I don't matter, so that amps up my low self esteem in my head.  Yes, I'm  in therapy and on medication.  thanks for reading.

Edited by My dogs are barking
Not done

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3 hours ago, My dogs are barking said:

Now i see no way to be friends with neighborhood due to all the unrest. Why make the effort?

Hello and welcome!  Just considering the depression and anxiety, your reaction is understandable.  Add in the virus, biracial (in an all white community), and with the current social unrest; and it is no wonder you choose to isolate and resist interacting.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  😢

I am so white I practically glow in the dark!  (Not albino but might as well be.)  Also, I grew up in total 'white-bread land'.  I tell you this so you will understand that what I say is meant sincerely and not in some kind of smart-aleck way.  If I were your neighbor, I am ashamed to say that I probably would not approach you.  Not because of you, but because of me!  Not having any experience with people 'of color' I would be nervous and afraid of saying the 'wrong' thing that would sound insulting even though I did not mean it to be.  [Spoiler alert:  I am very good at sticking my foot in my mouth regardless of the situation!]  It is possible this is the situation with at least some of your neighbors.  Unfortunately, nervous and stuck up can look quite similar.  Just a thought.

All the best to you.  Good luck.  

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It's mom's birthday in a few days so right now I'm looking back through old papers and old pictures from the past reminding myself how much I deserve to die.

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I feel lonely too.  Basically every time I talk to anyone in life I fully expect to never see anyone again.  I'm alone now and I completely feel this will last until the end.  I don't expect anyone to ever come here again.  

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Posted (edited)

I feel pretty good today.  I finally cut down the last dead tree I needed to cut down.  I need to start my own company Haven't Hit Anything Yet Inc.

Edited by sober4life

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Haven't logged in for awhile. Sorry to @sober4life and @nothing_man for the loss of your friends. It's so freaking difficult.

I was really down over the last two days. Today is a little better except that I still can't see any way out of this rut I've been in for so long. I'm financially immobilized.

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Hey all.  Sorry I’ve been AWOL for so long.  A couple of reasons for that.  Will explain more as I get back up to speed.

 Right now I’m feeling really damned bad.  Damned bad.

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9 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

Hey all.  Sorry I’ve been AWOL for so long.  A couple of reasons for that.  Will explain more as I get back up to speed.

 Right now I’m feeling really damned bad.  Damned bad.

Welcome back!:hugs:

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I got a new baby parsley plant and some good, not-Dollar-Store soil, so that made me feel better. It also helps when thunder pounds the air and storms pound the earth and I can sit out under the eaves and breathe.

 

I'm realizing that I'm sensitive to personal failure - REALLY sensitive - and that while everything is nice and great while you're surfing on top of the waves, it creates a kind of amnesia. I forget how I got there, or how difficult it was, and I just ride. And then once I go down, I go down hard. And then it's instinct just to stay right there and not try to climb back up and instead let the massive salty womb reclaim me forever. Why is it so hard to climb back up? Why is it so hard not only to try, but to want to try?

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6 hours ago, Tymothi said:

Why is it so hard to climb back up? Why is it so hard not only to try, but to want to try?

That is the lying demon whose name is 'depression'.  It is especially nasty that one of the symptoms of this disease is having no wish to do anything.  Especially since 'doing something' (activity) usually helps us feel better.  

Hang onto every crumb of 'better' you can find.  That sounds like a spiffy little parsley plant.  For whatever reason, I also like a good thunderstorm, too.  (But not the ones that bring destruction.)  I think it has something to do with the high energy level.

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How I feel right now ....  Another day, another chance to be worthless.   😔

Hopefully, this will change for the better but no guarantees.

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I am seeing my therapist and pdoc today.  It's gonna be a long day.  I am sick and tired of doctors and therapists telling me what to do.  They treat me like a child. 

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I feel sick and tired. I had seizures a few days ago and still haven't recovered fully. And I thought they would never come back as it's been 9 years since the last attack. I am so disappointed and kind of miserable as I won't be able to drive my car anymore.

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5 hours ago, duck said:

I am seeing my therapist and pdoc today.  It's gonna be a long day.  I am sick and tired of doctors and therapists telling me what to do.  They treat me like a child. 

I go twice a year and have to say I have a loving supportive family and lots of friends and I have a significant other to protect myself.  It's the only reason I'm still here.  If they knew I was essentially alone in this world they would move in on me like the lions and hyenas on a gazelle.

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22 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Hey all.  Sorry I’ve been AWOL for so long.  A couple of reasons for that.  Will explain more as I get back up to speed.

 Right now I’m feeling really damned bad.  Damned bad.

Adam!

As much as I'm happy to "see" you again, I wish it was under different circumstances. Sorry your are feeling really damned bad.

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