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How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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4 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

It doesn't feel right of me but I'm looking through Nyla's messages since she gave me all her passwords. I'm calling old friends to see why nobody attended ber funeral yesterday. I'm angry.

Her ex spread rumors that she was the abusive one and turned all her friends against her. She was completely alone. She called out for help posting goodbyes on social media and declarations of love. And nobody responded to her. Nobody asked if she was okay. Because they all thought she was a monster. 

-Skye

OMG! I'm new here, but that's horrendous! I'm so sorry. I can't imagine turning my back on someone who's suicidal, regardless of the reason...That's...Words truly fail me.

Please know that I'll be praying for Nyla and for you. God bless. 

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28 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

You are showing great honor and respect to your friend by taking care of these details and doing your best.  Please do not fall into the trap of taking guilt on yourself.  Be gentle with yourself.  I hope there is someone taking care of you through all this.  ❤️

Thank you for your kindness. Looking back , it kind of feels like Nyla's life was a dark reprise of mine. I have a wonderful boyfriend I've known since I was young like she did before hers abandoned and hurt her. My parents are with me (though we're flying back tomorrow) and giving me love and care, while hers abused her. My friends back at home are also amazing and kind and wouldn't believe slander about anyone and they always reach out in times of darkness. I have so much support and love. I just wish Nyla had it too. She deserved it.

-Skye

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7 hours ago, PraiseBrownies said:

It doesn't feel right of me but I'm looking through Nyla's messages since she gave me all her passwords. I'm calling old friends to see why nobody attended ber funeral yesterday. I'm angry.

Her ex spread rumors that she was the abusive one and turned all her friends against her. She was completely alone. She called out for help posting goodbyes on social media and declarations of love. And nobody responded to her. Nobody asked if she was okay. Because they all thought she was a monster. 

-Skye

 I'm so sorry to hear that... 😢

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Having a hard time over here, depression came all of a sudden, isolation doesn't help me a lot, but everythings drives me to be alone. A girl commited suicide not far from here yesterday, I got really moved by anyone who commits suicide, I relate. Was thinking about how brave she was... I don't think that people that commits suicide are fearful people, the act itself requires a lot of courage. She was looking aside of the street, jumped backwards. I'm sorry if I offend someone while talking about this, reality and feelings can't go hidden

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@PraiseBrownies Sigh! I'm really sad to read your news. 😕 Hope you can come to some peace with things very soon. Hope you can make good out of this awful thing. *hugs

 

As for me, well..

i'm okay. feeling a little mixed about how this party went...self conscious about a couple of things...but it was ok. i'm tired tho. parties wear me out!

 

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9 hours ago, anxiousE said:

 

As for me, well..

i'm okay. feeling a little mixed about how this party went...self conscious about a couple of things...but it was ok. i'm tired tho. parties wear me out!

 

That's me parties wear me out.  I can't imagine everyone feels the way we do or there would be no such thing as parties.  I'm sure some people genuinely enjoy them right?:ermm:

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I'm done putting on the show for people in real life that aren't worth it.  They made me so angry today but no I'm done.  They're not ruining anymore of my life.  There won't be anger.  There will be laughing.  Who the hell do they think they are?  Done and all that's left is moving forward toward the life of my dreams full tilt with the strength of a million freight trains combined!

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@nothing_man

I see your point. I myself had a innocent sorta related to... that not long ago. However I again chose to live life then that.. All the scares I have on the inside as well my severly broken heart I want to prove all who've done me wrong. That I am something and not weak, worth it and not pathetic as they thought. I don't know  about how someone truly feels when they really do that and are gone.  Though it is sad they thought they had no way to be better or free from there pain. Life is hard and I know people have it worse than I. We should do better at helping those who are in need or if we see need help. Then again only you have to be really willing to want to change and get better. We can't change someone though we can try and give them advice to let them see there not alone and help is there. I apologize if this is not good to say I just wanted to say what was on my mind about the matter. 

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On 2/21/2020 at 5:35 PM, CoffeeAddict103 said:

I have had to set a firm boundary with someone this week. Someone who wasn't good for my emotional health. She wasn't a bad person, but i found her very toxic. She was there for me in times of crisis. I feel great sadness. I hate hurting people but i have to stick to my guns. 

Weird. I'm having to do the very same thing today. It's eating me up. But I think it's the only fair thing to do for both of us. I've been sick to my stomach all weekend because I cannot stop ruminating about it.

I need to turn my life around NOW. Or I'm done.

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I always set firm boundaries with people after they've walked all over me and used me until I can't take it anymore and then I have a meltdown and finally stand my ground because I can't do it anymore!  I wish I was strong in the beginning.

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On 2/22/2020 at 2:02 PM, duck said:

Just woke up.  Tired and Exhausted.  My mind is filled with worry. 

HUGS for anyone who needs one. 

I'm feeling the same way today. Very worried and disgusted with myself.

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8 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I always set firm boundaries with people after they've walked all over me and used me until I can't take it anymore and then I have a meltdown and finally stand my ground because I can't do it anymore!  I wish I was strong in the beginning.

Yes. Same here. My tacit acquiescence has repeatedly wrecked my life (what remains of it).

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18 hours ago, sober4life said:

This life is so stressful.  Of course I can't do this all on my own all the time.  Who really could?  I have no choice though.  I have to pretend I can do this until it all blows up in my face one day.

Hopefully, things will never blow up in your face and perhaps you might become a

master of all things.

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It been a very long day with a lot of people in the CCU Waiting area and I'm tired

but the good news is that I have a little over two hours left in my twelve hour shift.

I can see relief coming in about two hours. :EmoticonDogRun:

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9 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Same here sober that what i do also but i have read and watched a lot of material on these sorts of people and i think i have some good tools in my arsenal for dealing with this if a relationship like this occurs again. The main thing is we have noticed it and have set a boundary. Bad part is we have wasted time with people that we thought might have had our best interests at heart, or we thought they were someone they were not.

For now on if i notice a pattern of toxic behaviour that is making me feel bad i drift away. A sort of tactical retreat. If its full on abusive i initiate the no contact strategy. But it has to be a continual pattern, and i have to be sure its not me perceiving it or taking it the wrong way. Not good to go around ghosting and discarding everyone. But once i have identofied and a##@@. Chopping blockml.But i need to be more assertive in the future and learn to say no. No is a full sentence. 

I am working on being more wolf and less lamb. Hoooowlll! Lol. 

It takes unbelievable strength to just say yes or no answers with no explanation to people but it's what needs to happen.  How do I get past the guilt though?  If I just say no and walk away from someone I will be thinking about it until the next time I see them even if it was years from now.

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10 hours ago, Shijima said:

@nothing_man

I see your point. I myself had a innocent sorta related to... that not long ago. However I again chose to live life then that.. All the scares I have on the inside as well my severly broken heart I want to prove all who've done me wrong. That I am something and not weak, worth it and not pathetic as they thought. I don't know  about how someone truly feels when they really do that and are gone.  Though it is sad they thought they had no way to be better or free from there pain. Life is hard and I know people have it worse than I. We should do better at helping those who are in need or if we see need help. Then again only you have to be really willing to want to change and get better. We can't change someone though we can try and give them advice to let them see there not alone and help is there. I apologize if this is not good to say I just wanted to say what was on my mind about the matter. 

 Thanks for taking a word into this. I don't know for what this girl was going through, but it is known that she was pregnant. I think that choosing to abort the pregnancy should be a right all around the world, a kid shouldn't come to this world under not-wanted circumstances, that kid will probably suffer a lot with those parents, or with "half" of those parents, as many males leave their partenrs alone, they don't care about the child, or vice-versa. I'm one of those, didn't have a father to take care of me, and had some hard times with shit related to that fact. People is fighting for that right over here.

 About me, I'm a bit better than yesterday, I slept a lot last night, close to 12 hours. Trying to study, doing some maths exercises, got an exam the next week, from a point of view, this is a distraction to needs that I don't want to face (get in touch with others, socialize), but well... at least I'm feeling a bit better, I guess that the time will come for those matters. I hug you all.

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4 hours ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

Same here sober that what i do also but i have read and watched a lot of material on these sorts of people and i think i have some good tools in my arsenal for dealing with this if a relationship like this occurs again. The main thing is we have noticed it and have set a boundary. Bad part is we have wasted time with people that we thought might have had our best interests at heart, or we thought they were someone they were not.

For now on if i notice a pattern of toxic behaviour that is making me feel bad i drift away. A sort of tactical retreat. If its full on abusive i initiate the no contact strategy. But it has to be a continual pattern, and i have to be sure its not me perceiving it or taking it the wrong way. Not good to go around ghosting and discarding everyone. But once i have identofied and a##@@. Chopping blockml.But i need to be more assertive in the future and learn to say no. No is a full sentence. 

I am working on being more wolf and less lamb. Hoooowlll! Lol. 

Sometimes I wonder: is there a real person behind DF accounts? I've never met a person in real life that isn't toxic, especially in office environments

People posting on DF seem too nice to exist for real

 

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2 minutes ago, iWantRope said:

Sometimes I wonder: is there a real person behind DF accounts? I've never met a person in real life that isn't toxic, especially in office environments

People posting on DF seem too nice to exist for real

 

What an interesting observation. I guess that people going through depression knows what the psychological pain is, and don't want others to go through the same thing, maybe is that.

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14 minutes ago, iWantRope said:

Sometimes I wonder: is there a real person behind DF accounts? I've never met a person in real life that isn't toxic, especially in office environments

People posting on DF seem too nice to exist for real

 

I think some have more than one account.

Edited by watalife

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I actually had a job offer but I rejected it cos I'm racist. I sound so terrible when I say that. My ex-employer connected them to me but I did not really click with the interviewer. But I had worked with their race in two different companies before and I had terrible experience with them. I'm not saying the whole race is terrible but I don't want to be stuck with a boss I do not like. Sigh. I don't know what's wrong with me. What am I going to do with my life. 

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I feel scared , nervous and anxious at the moment. Due to tonight my mother and sister meeting with my therapist first to speak with her before I do myself. Also feeling triggered I think being online again. However that's really nothing new since it's all the time I can become triggered. I just have days where it's not too bad and I can manage it. Though my mind and anything I see, hear, feel perhaps even taste can trigger me. So in the end there's really no escape from it. *sighs*

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After an hour of feeling pretty triggered about online and my dreams, I'm in a content mood once again. I feel calm right now as well and my mind is beginning to become at ease more and not thinking too much of anything. 

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42 minutes ago, CoffeeAddict103 said:

It does but i think it is possible. I am concious not to go off topic on here but one of the things i have done my whole life is to people please. I am starting to realise that being liked isn't the be all and end all and it isn't a thing we should strive for. I am permitting myself to be unlikable for now on. I asked my therapist while i felt guilty putting my footdown and it turns out it was from my childhood trauma. 

Sorry if i came of lectury on here. It is "easier" for me at the moment because i am not in a severe depressive state like i was last here. I posted on another thread i do find it hard to stick up for myself when i am low. I think there is a biological reason why that is.

I will post a thread on here with some of this information in another section in the week. 

I went through a lot of trauma as a child too.  Mom was the only good person in my life back then.  Making her proud now is all that matters.  The last time I talked to mom I had to tell her I could do this on my own.  You have to put the person you love at ease and make them think you will be ok when they leave this world.  I didn't believe it when I said it.  I had to say it because I love her more than anyone.  Today is the first day I know I'm going to be ok.  I know my love for her is why I've made it this far.  Yesterday with family was the turning point.  They made me so mad I wanted to start fighting them right there and I'm a very passive person.  I'm done with all of it.  It's time to show the world what I'm made of and time to make mom proud!

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19 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm done putting on the show for people in real life that aren't worth it.  They made me so angry today but no I'm done.  They're not ruining anymore of my life.  There won't be anger.  There will be laughing.  Who the hell do they think they are?  Done and all that's left is moving forward toward the life of my dreams full tilt with the strength of a million freight trains combined!

I decided to do that since last year, and it saved my life. I  stopped listening to those who told me "grow up it's all in your head, it's a made up illness"...and I no longer associate with them. They aren't worth your time. My support has been this website, and people I met in real life who have similar issues and can relate. The rest I ignore, and don't even listen to them anymore.

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