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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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18 hours ago, Tymothi said:

I'm grateful that you said this. I'm struggling with how much worse off I am now physically than before quarantine. I suppose if you can remove the self-defeatist mind talk out of the equation during that critical moment of huffing and puffing, and just keep moving slowly forward, persistence will pay off. I always theorize about that but it's good to know the thought is legit because somebody else did it.

 

It is fascinating how much influence our thoughts have over our reality. I guess right now I feel slightly better. 🙂 

I keep myself in shape because of delusional thinking mostly.  I convince myself people will put me away somewhere if there is anything wrong in my life at all.  So I convince myself I have to do it.  

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15 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Yikes. I haven't been following your story close enough I guess. What is going on, if you don't mind me asking?

It’s been like this for many years I guess I just needed a place to vent. He can’t stand my attitude and anger management issues and depression and he said to give him a week to decide. I still love him n I’m trying so hard to just take one step forward every single day, but if I’m only making him worse then there’s nothing I can do. Only time will tell. Thanks for asking it means a lot to me.

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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7 hours ago, sober4life said:

I can't remember the last time anyone was here and I don't expect anyone to ever come here again.  I'll never have a friend again or anyone that is on my side in this life.  I'll be alone until I die.

..oh, no, sober, I'm sure you'll have a friend🙂 I truly believe if I am able to have some good friends, everybody can. It seems to me, it's a bit harder to get some new friends though, or a boyfriend. I guess, I don't even try🙂

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1 hour ago, Mikayla said:

..oh, no, sober, I'm sure you'll have a friend🙂 I truly believe if I am able to have some good friends, everybody can. It seems to me, it's a bit harder to get some new friends though, or a boyfriend. I guess, I don't even try🙂

Yeah I guess I can't hide away here in the woods avoiding people at all costs and also complain that nobody ever comes around.  Which one is it that I really want?  The truth is I crave being around people because of my depression.  I also "need" to get out of here all the time because of my anxiety.  It's a mistake every time I leave this property unless I'm going for a walk.  That's the truth.

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doing ok,...a little more alive since things are slowly opening up ...this isolation had me going very anxious and scared not being able to see my friends or go out ...now that things are slowly opening up it feels weird, but in a nice way....hopefully things get better soon..the very few friends i have i still haven't seen because some are afraid of going out..

i hope everyone is doing well

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It's endless cleaning and throwing things away and burning things and rearranging things and spring cleaning and working on my property inside and out anything to feel like my life has some type of order to it but it won't work.  It will never work.  One day I will wake up and realize it's over.

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Today wasn't too bad.  I saw the eagle balancing on one leg on the huge power tower during my walk.  I'm sure people will say that was a hallucination.  Well why of all things would my mind think it needed to see an eagle balancing on one leg?

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Kinda like the coin in one one of those contraptions that looks like a big, sloped funnel.   The coin rolls around and around the funnel, starting near the outer rim.  Slowly, at first.  Then gravity pulls it gradually toward the center, and the coin rolls faster and faster -- until it almost 'fires' down the center of the funnel like a bullet out of the barrel of a gun.  Inevitable.

I have been trying to pull myself out of this current depressive episode.  It does not look that difficult or complicated, but I just keep going round and round.  Slowly losing ground and picking up speed.  It feels like I will eventually have no choice but to plunge down the hole of total failure.  Inevitable.

I always swore I would be very careful about what I revealed on the internet since any hack anywhere can get at the info and use it against you.  But there it is.

[It is night, and everything looks darker then.  Maybe things will look better in daylight.   ??]

Edited by jkd_sd
ammended
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I feel okay. I had a lucid dream the other night, and it exhumed a lot from the unconscious. I woke up with new realizations about why my wife left me, and how far back the roots of her discontent reached. The dream put things in perspective and I woke up thinking - no, knowing - that there were mistakes on both sides, and neither of us did anything to deliberately hurt each other. We were both just immature and protective of each other's emotions. I had even seen signs early on and didn't take action. It wasn't "bad", it was just a highly uncomfortable learning process through which there was no other way to proceed.

 

So it's bittersweet, but I'm a bit more at peace with what happened. I wish I knew how to induce those sorts of dreams...

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