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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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Frustrated. Wounded. Mistreated. Foolish. Slighted. Indignant. Slow burn. 

A friend reaches out, they're upset over telling a bunch of people off. Sends me a bunch of texts, like that's gonna be effective communication? I feel like I fell into a trap I was led into. 

Tried to help. Didnt want my help? Why they eff you reached out and dropped this bullcrap on my otherwise jolly effin day? Wanted empathy? Gave it, you tossed it tossed aside told me I dont understand and I'm arrogant for believing I do. Wanted to be heard? Showed I listened, was told I'm wrong and not helpful. Asked what would be helpful. Told they're now sorry they even reached out. What a bunch of self-indulgent crap. 

It felt like I was trying to cross a field to meet my friend where they were at, only to learn they buried exploding mines beneath every path leading to them. Why? To prove they are truly alone, and no one understands them.

Beckoning then pushing me away is working muscles that don't need exercising. 

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I can't believe this is my life.  It's been 41 years of not being able to explain my life to anyone.  Since I've gotten sober it actually makes less sense.  I could dress in an owl suit and spend the rest of my life in the big tree in the front yard and that would make more sense than this.

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I’m so depressed!  I’ve taken Wellbutrin because that’s all I can tolerate.  I’m 71 years old, been on Xanax since 1985.  I feel unloved, useless, no friends, no one cares.  Right now I’m crying, yesterday and as many days as I can remember I’ve cried all day.  I have no one to talk to, my husband doesn’t get it and gets mad........I have no energy, stay in bed and have no one to do anything with.  My grandson that we raised is going to the Air Force reserves and his being away is tearing my heart out.  I have no family.  So no one would even miss me.  I was at ER yesterday with tremors.  Now I have been exposed possibly to covid.  What can I do?  Please.  I’m begging someone to see this and talk to me. 

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I wasn't planning on doing anything today but then I got more manic than anyone ever has gotten.  I cut down 2 more trees, I mowed grass for 2 hours, I washed clothes, I got groceries and I went to the bank and to the gas station and yes I feel like I haven't done enough.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I wasn't planning on doing anything today but then I got more manic than anyone ever has gotten.  I cut down 2 more trees, I mowed grass for 2 hours, I washed clothes, I got groceries and I went to the bank and to the gas station and yes I feel like I haven't done enough.

That’s a lot to do in one day

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Everybody wants a piece of my time. And I feel guilty if I don't indulge them. My daughter wants me to come over and eat but I don't want to go to my old house where she and my ex still live. I want to go home and watch a movie with my cats.

Another guy wants me to go in with him on a business venture right now. Keeps calling me. Even if I had money, I'm not sure I'd do that.

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Strange. I'm overweight and can't do yardwork without getting winded almost immediately. But today when I tried - and got winded - I sat down for a few minutes, and then I got up and tried again, going slower and not thinking as much. I got winded again right away, but I didn't give up.

 

I wonder if just being persistent, doing small pieces of it, over and over while taking breaks in between, would help dispel some of the self-hatred that comes from being so weak and pitiful.

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42 minutes ago, Tymothi said:

Strange. I'm overweight and can't do yardwork without getting winded almost immediately. But today when I tried - and got winded - I sat down for a few minutes, and then I got up and tried again, going slower and not thinking as much. I got winded again right away, but I didn't give up.

 

I wonder if just being persistent, doing small pieces of it, over and over while taking breaks in between, would help dispel some of the self-hatred that comes from being so weak and pitiful.

That's exactly how to do it. I went through the same thing. I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing like a worn out locomotive. I kept pushing here and there and over time, I brought myself back into better shape. It really works wonders for one's self image.

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18 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

That's exactly how to do it. I went through the same thing. I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing like a worn out locomotive. I kept pushing here and there and over time, I brought myself back into better shape. It really works wonders for one's self image.

I'm grateful that you said this. I'm struggling with how much worse off I am now physically than before quarantine. I suppose if you can remove the self-defeatist mind talk out of the equation during that critical moment of huffing and puffing, and just keep moving slowly forward, persistence will pay off. I always theorize about that but it's good to know the thought is legit because somebody else did it.

 

It is fascinating how much influence our thoughts have over our reality. I guess right now I feel slightly better. 🙂 

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16 hours ago, Tymothi said:

I'm grateful that you said this. I'm struggling with how much worse off I am now physically than before quarantine. I suppose if you can remove the self-defeatist mind talk out of the equation during that critical moment of huffing and puffing, and just keep moving slowly forward, persistence will pay off. I always theorize about that but it's good to know the thought is legit because somebody else did it.

 

It is fascinating how much influence our thoughts have over our reality. I guess right now I feel slightly better. 🙂 

I'd let myself go to h*ll for five years before I finally decided to do something. I gained 30 lbs and lost my already-limited breathing capacity (I have a genetic lung condition to start with). I'm still not in what could be considered good shape, but at least I'm getting around without too much difficulty again. The weather is beautiful today and I'm hoping to go out for a nice long (but slow) walk later.

Best wishes to you, my friend.

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15 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

again we are talking about separation. AGAIN. if the courts are open now i would go there and submit the separation papers now. 

Yikes. I haven't been following your story close enough I guess. What is going on, if you don't mind me asking?

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19 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Another guy wants me to go in with him on a business venture right now. Keeps calling me. Even if I had money, I'm not sure I'd do that.

People have wanted me to do that in the past.  They just wanted to use my money for some wild idea of the moment.  That's usually the reason others want us to come into business with them.  They want to use our money.

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