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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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On 6/4/2020 at 6:03 AM, jkd_sd said:

 I - have - had - enough!!  I know it is my responsibility to take care of my own life -- the world does not owe me a living with all the trimmings.  But I do not care anymore! I have tried and tried to do what I am supposed to and fulfill all my responsibilities.

I know that feeling and it is tough! You sound fatigued and frustrated. For me that feels like paddling in a sailboat, pleading for just a small breeze to come blowing in the direction I'm going. 

Yet it sounds like you've taken the view that this too shall pass and I hope so. I believe in your fortitude and you frequently sound determined and optimistic so I'm wishing for a few more things to go your way. Anything I can do to help see you through this rough period, let me know. 🙂

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Saturday 2:49 AM

Uncomfortable feelings:

FEARFUL
frightened, unsafe, threatened
anxious, worried, overwhelmed, breathless
weak, small, powerless

ANGRY
Bitter, outraged, frustrated
Distant, numb

I'm still reconciling the events of Wednesday evening. A huge protest just a 5 minute walk from my home; helicopter, police yelling through bullhorns. My anxiety disorder triggered -- while sitting at home. Should've I just joined the protest since I couldn't relax anyhow? Would that have been better because it is action aligned with my values? Would it have been worse because of my past traumas? I wish I had certainty. 

SAD
Vulnerable, disappointed, embarrassed

SURPRISED
Speechless, shocked, confused

I'm finally coming to accept how quarantine conditions of some sort are expected to remain for at least the rest of this year (in my city, at least). The implications are confusing and disappointing and shocking. Does it mean that I won't enjoy a hug (let alone a kiss) for half a year? Longer? Will I be able travel, to get away from it all? I still feel like a fool when I have to turn around, return home because I forgot my face covering. I'm tired of worrying about getting sick. 

 

Comfortable feelings 

HAPPY/EXCITED 
Interested, curious, 
Accepted, valued, respected
Cheeky
Fulfilled 

LOVED
Cared for
Needed 
Wanted
Affectionate 

I continue to get fulfillment from my volunteer work along with some appreciation this week. I get purpose from my paid work. Friends and family demonstrate care for me. My friend's cats offered some head bunts -- yeah that counts as physical affection! 

Did writing this out help at all?

Kinda. It's difficult for me to draw straight lines from feelings to events when some are purely moods. It's helpful to recognize the good feelings cause they are beneath the more intense emotions like worry. 

 

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On 6/3/2020 at 5:34 PM, sober4life said:

I feel like I have to have extra money on me and have a bag packed and ready to go.

Yeah, what's called a "bug out" bag is a possibility.  I started one about three years ago.  I bought a green canvas duffel, military size and style, and put a pair of old jeans in it.  I've added a toothbrush and wash rag since.  I'm re putting that bag on my list.

Bulga

Edited by Bulgakov
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6 hours ago, Devlinkyla said:

Still awake seems to be the new thing for me once a two times a week

Day and night seem to have blurred for me... sleeping occurs whenever. Seems like another consequence of being stuck at home.

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58 minutes ago, Bulgakov said:

Yeah, what's called a "bug out" bag is a possibility.  I started one about three years ago.  I bought a green canvas duffel, military size and style, and put a pair of old jeans in it.  I've added a toothbrush and wash rag since.  I'm re putting that bag on my list.

Bulga

I know how you feel believe me.  For now I'm going to stay and fight.  Going that way is the way I go when it's the only way left to go.

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42 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I think my spring manic switch flipped today.  There's no way to even describe it in words really.  The way I feel during these days is stronger than any drug on this earth.

I think mine has too 😐ugh how are you feeling sober

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Just now, sober4life said:

I feel very strong.  I told myself I needed to rest this weekend but holding this back isn't possible.

I totally understand that I been going back and forth from depression and anxiety to manic type of behavior but am still anxious but if anyone would understand to be you am still don’t understand how I can go from sleeping to much to not much 😐🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

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58 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

I totally understand that I been going back and forth from depression and anxiety to manic type of behavior but am still anxious but if anyone would understand to be you am still don’t understand how I can go from sleeping to much to not much 😐🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Well how could we have even emotions right now?  The ones that are calm and acting like nothing has changed during these times are the ones I worry about.

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I have to try to rest for a few days.  I'm sore from head to toe.  Manic doesn't even begin to describe the past couple of days.  I don't know how it's possible to automatically be the way I've been the last couple of days.  It feels like I've been holding on to the back of a rocket for 2 days.

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Honestly, not sure.

The travel situation from last week 'fell apart' due to a vehicle breakdown (not mine) and is rescheduled for tomorrow.  As soon as I get off this site, I need to get busy with various prep tasks.  Then I will leave town for two days.  Not sure how things will turn out.

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On 6/6/2020 at 4:32 AM, Atra said:

Is there is any way in which we might help you make a decision without straight-up advice giving? I imagine that could be helping you write out a pros and cons, playing devil's advocate, challenging the voice of doubt, naming underlying fears -- anything that you might use to make an intentional decision? 

Maybe not, but if you think of anything please let me know. I'd be glad of the opportunity to be a sounding board in the service of helping you make your own decision. 

Thanks. I greatly appreciate that offer!

As is usually the case with my life, there are so many complications to factor in. Nothing is ever straightforward or simple. I suppose that's the case with everybody's life.

It kinda comes down to "who am I?" I've dreamed of a different life for decades and suddenly an opportunity for it shows up. But what would I be leaving behind, and could I live with that?

Status quo would be far easier of course.

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On 6/6/2020 at 5:50 AM, Atra said:

Saturday 2:49 AM

Uncomfortable feelings:

[SNIP]

Did writing this out help at all?

Kinda. It's difficult for me to draw straight lines from feelings to events when some are purely moods. It's helpful to recognize the good feelings cause they are beneath the more intense emotions like worry. 

 

This is an amazing exercise. Maybe I should try it out for myself. Attempt to get the constant jumble going on in my head written down into words.

This past weekend sucked in many ways. Very frustrating. Maybe now is the time to do it!

Edited by JD4010
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