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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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It's Monday 2:00 AM.

Uncomfortable Feelings:

Sad: discouraged, dispirited, sorrowful, small/powerless, disappointed.

Afraid: unsafe, alarmed, worried, panicked, horrified. 

Angry: outraged, irritated, hateful, disgusted/sickened

Surprise: shocked, speechless, disillusioned 

Where I'm feeling this:

it feels like a dull, hot ache in my chest with some pressure like some hot invisible entity is sitting on me. My stomach feels very queasy, "alert condition yellow" as though tummy hasn't decided if it's gonna cramp or burn or both. It feels like a vice is tightening on my temples. There is an empty soreness behind my eyes. My throat feels tight. 

Comfortable Feelings:

Loving: compassionate, grateful, respectful

Interested: curious, playful, receptive

Accepted: wanted, helpful, appreciated, included 

Confident: authentic/honest 

Where I'm feeling this:

A very small warmth in the center of my chest that grows with even, deep breaths. A small smile at the corner of my lips - from looking a cat meme, from reading a few posts here on DF got me saying to myself, yeah buddy. Me too. My tongue (which was pressed against the roof of my mouth) is coming to rest on the bottom of my jaw.

I feel a little easier now that I've written this. 

 

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On 5/30/2020 at 3:16 PM, sober4life said:

I don't know I honestly wish my mind kept things blocked out.  In my case when you are literally in your 20s and don't remember any of your childhood there's a good reason for it.  I can never let anything go though.  I had to figure out everything.  It was the worst mistake of my life.  I think things being blocked out is good.  Who wants to deal with anything if we don't have to?

I get what you're saying. I can't let go of certain things myself and kinda wish I could block it out sometimes...but I have to deal with this particular issue, so it's actually frustrating not being able to remember...but things are slowly coming back.

 

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Unfortunately, I'm feeling like crap today. Only slept 5 hours. I will be trying to go back to sleep here soon, but for now I'm lonely and sad and then I'll start worrying about all the things I want and need to get done that I'll screw my sleep again. It's just utter b.s.! It's also pms. Haha! 

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1 hour ago, anxiousE said:

I get what you're saying. I can't let go of certain things myself and kinda wish I could block it out sometimes...but I have to deal with this particular issue, so it's actually frustrating not being able to remember...but things are slowly coming back.

 

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Unfortunately, I'm feeling like crap today. Only slept 5 hours. I will be trying to go back to sleep here soon, but for now I'm lonely and sad and then I'll start worrying about all the things I want and need to get done that I'll screw my sleep again. It's just utter b.s.! It's also pms. Haha! 

That's how I feel as well I've been doing things that "need to be done" all day.  It's still technically spring and I've had probably 20 spring cleanings by now.  I think it's us trying to be able to have control of anything we can right now in a time where the world is out of control.  I don't believe what's happening right now is the end but of course I feel hopeless right now.  It's been months of having no idea what you're going to wake up to when you turn on the news.  You're afraid to turn it on but you have to turn it on to see what's happening today.

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11 minutes ago, sober4life said:

It's still technically spring and I've had probably 20 spring cleanings by now.  I think it's us trying to be able to have control of anything we can right now in a time where the world is out of control

I understand what you are saying and kinda wish it was that way for me. At least then I would be accomplishing something.  There are things I really need to do but have not been able to make myself do.  It seems to be a combination of 'fear of failure' and 'nothing is going to work so why bother'.  

I had an 'interesting' experience toward the end of last week that has helped me feel some better.  I am hoping to use that feeling to make progress.  [Just a case of plans falling apart but everything turning out well anyway.]  So basically I feel adrift in a way that could turn out good or bad.  Time will tell.

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On 2/20/2020 at 2:08 AM, Depressedgurl007 said:

I wish I can leave the past behind me. I have been having internet issues the whole day sigh. Hit my head and literally pulled out my hair cos been trying to apply jobs online with the internet in my way.

If this virus was not going around, I would suggest going in to networking meetings.  

Right now I feel: tired, unsure and resentful.

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On 5/27/2020 at 12:02 PM, sober4life said:

I understand what you're going through completely.  If I had a logical way out of my hell I would go.  I've always wanted to get out of here no matter where I was my entire life from the moment I was born and I've been miserable everywhere I've ever been.  If I had a real way to be happy out there I would go for it.  I want you to be happy.  My time has passed me by.  I would love to believe there was hope outside of here for me but it's over for me.  If you have a chance at real happiness you need to consider it.  You should talk things over with your daughter.  Maybe there's a compromise.

See, I thought my time had passed too. I was operating under that assumption...trudging through each day just waiting for the end to finally come.

Suddenly, bright sunlight broke through the gloom without any warning. It startled the hell out of me because this kind of thing just doesn't happen to me. I was very skeptical at first but it has continued for almost two months now.

It's there, if I want to jump at it. But the window of opportunity will close soon.

Of course, my self doubt is constantly trying to sabotage me.

Edited by JD4010
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On 5/28/2020 at 4:10 AM, Atra said:

I understand that feeling/thinking, I associate it with my depression which informs me I dont have the fortitude or resilience to endure disappointment. Best to keep my world very predictable and maintain the illusion of control. 

Took years before I had accrued enough small experiences where I felt I could take some bigger risks. Uncertainty was that intolerable - up until the point when it wasn't. 

"I dont deserve good things" or distrusting anything that could bring happiness - that is also familiar to me. Recently learned theres a term for that: Hedonophobia or Cherophobia. Aversion to joy or happiness. There are several reasons why we distrust anything that looks good and it might be worth reading about if understanding it will help you lay outcthe pros/cons of this new opportunity. 

Thank you. I will investigate that some more.

My life is full of regrets.

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49 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

See, I thought my time had passed too. I was operating under that assumption...trudging through each day just waiting for the end to finally come.

Suddenly, bright sunlight broke through the gloom without any warning. It startled the hell out of me because this kind of thing just doesn't happen to me. I was very skeptical at first but it has continued for almost two months now.

It's there, if I want to jump at it. But the window of opportunity will close soon.

Of course, my self doubt is constantly trying to sabotage me.

Go for it!  What has to happen for us to really give ourselves some credit?  Look at what we've done with the drinking.  Like you I have constant self doubt and fear with everything but I have found out over the last few years that I'm probably strong enough to do anything in this world.  There are no limits for me or you.  We have tremendous strength in us.  I have opportunities coming my way as well and I'm taking them.  Look at this year.  Look at the world.  If there are things we want to do we have to do them right now!

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4 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

I understand what you are saying and kinda wish it was that way for me. At least then I would be accomplishing something.  There are things I really need to do but have not been able to make myself do.  It seems to be a combination of 'fear of failure' and 'nothing is going to work so why bother'.  

I had an 'interesting' experience toward the end of last week that has helped me feel some better.  I am hoping to use that feeling to make progress.  [Just a case of plans falling apart but everything turning out well anyway.]  So basically I feel adrift in a way that could turn out good or bad.  Time will tell.

I constantly feel a need to do something.  It never ends the entire time I'm awake.  I'm thinking of things that have to be done and on days like today I work myself into the ground.  I've been burning brush all day today.  Why because I have to make room for 2 other trees on the pile.  It's endless work out here.  I'll be honest every time things have worked out for me in life it was because my plans fell apart and nothing went the way I thought it would go.

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Another day of emptiness and pointlessness.

Nothing interests me. Nothing I do do feels authentic. Nothing satisfies me.

I shouldn't have been born in the first place.

I hope I die in my sleep tonight.

What I feel goes way beyond self loathing.

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16 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Another day of emptiness and pointlessness.

Nothing interests me. Nothing I do do feels authentic. Nothing satisfies me.

I shouldn't have been born in the first place.

I hope I die in my sleep tonight.

What I feel goes way beyond self loathing.

im sorry i feel the same way you do

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I constantly feel a need to do something.  It never ends the entire time I'm awake.  I'm thinking of things that have to be done and on days like today I work myself into the ground.  I've been burning brush all day today.  Why because I have to make room for 2 other trees on the pile.  It's endless work out here.  I'll be honest every time things have worked out for me in life it was because my plans fell apart and nothing went the way I thought it would go.

Comparing what you wrote to my life and how I feel is totally ironic!  We have a saying, "Exactly the same, only different."  That fits exactly.  I will show you what I mean.....

I constantly feel the pressure of all the things that need to be done; I just do not do them.  I think about them all the time and on days like today, I get everything together and start but still do not accomplish anything.  I have collected up paperwork, etc. for some forms I need to fill out but still have not started filling them out.  Why?  Because I think there is still one piece of information missing.  (Yes, I do know how stupid that is!!)  Oh, every time things have worked out for me in life it was because I did not have a plan and just 'fell into' the right thing. 

See what I mean?  ... Exactly the same, only different.  About the same emotional experience.  But you actually get something done, while I freeze up and avoid whatever it is.  I admire that you actually do something.  I just get more worthless.  My fear is someday 'the world' will realize how worthless I am and throw me off.  Maybe that is the best thing that could happen.   <*sigh*>

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32 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

Comparing what you wrote to my life and how I feel is totally ironic!  We have a saying, "Exactly the same, only different."  That fits exactly.  I will show you what I mean.....

I constantly feel the pressure of all the things that need to be done; I just do not do them.  I think about them all the time and on days like today, I get everything together and start but still do not accomplish anything.  I have collected up paperwork, etc. for some forms I need to fill out but still have not started filling them out.  Why?  Because I think there is still one piece of information missing.  (Yes, I do know how stupid that is!!)  Oh, every time things have worked out for me in life it was because I did not have a plan and just 'fell into' the right thing. 

See what I mean?  ... Exactly the same, only different.  About the same emotional experience.  But you actually get something done, while I freeze up and avoid whatever it is.  I admire that you actually do something.  I just get more worthless.  My fear is someday 'the world' will realize how worthless I am and throw me off.  Maybe that is the best thing that could happen.   <*sigh*>

The honest reason why I do things is because before mom got sick my family was out of my life.  I have to do all the things because people are just waiting for a reason to put me away somewhere.  I'm afraid to even put on weight.  Any in they come up with and I'm out.  It's that simple.  We all see we have no rights now from watching tv.  I've know this my whole life.  I'm usually in awful shape.  It doesn't matter.  I have to continue!

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5 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

Comparing what you wrote to my life and how I feel is totally ironic!  We have a saying, "Exactly the same, only different."  That fits exactly.  I will show you what I mean.....

I constantly feel the pressure of all the things that need to be done; I just do not do them.  I think about them all the time and on days like today, I get everything together and start but still do not accomplish anything.  I have collected up paperwork, etc. for some forms I need to fill out but still have not started filling them out.  Why?  Because I think there is still one piece of information missing.  (Yes, I do know how stupid that is!!)  Oh, every time things have worked out for me in life it was because I did not have a plan and just 'fell into' the right thing. 

See what I mean?  ... Exactly the same, only different.  About the same emotional experience.  But you actually get something done, while I freeze up and avoid whatever it is.  I admire that you actually do something.  I just get more worthless.  My fear is someday 'the world' will realize how worthless I am and throw me off.  Maybe that is the best thing that could happen.   <*sigh*>

Yeah I battle with this every day. This is why - and this is important - this is way I've found important, not important, but valuable, to get things done. It's one more thing to not get to worry about. This is the anxiety knocking the door. The little things matter, simple things like washing the dishes, or get shaved, if you sum up this little things, you'll find yourself being a "normal" person. Please take this "normal" with all the quotes. What I mean is: I'Il be able to invite someone to my house, or, I'm able to go outside and not feel shame for myself for being so ... uncared. To be honest, at the end of the day I don't do one nor the other heh, but well, at least I feel ready. The same applies with other fields of life. I'm learning to be very ordered with my study, is the only way to advance, and I'm seeing results.

Summing up, try to do those small things, I know that it looks that the small things doesn't matter, since it's a part of a thousand parts. But well, that's how you get things done. As I said, this is the anxiety knocking the door, and everything is a process, is not easy to understand that, I myself battle with this every day.

Edited by nothing_man
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I sit here thinking about the one I love.  I wish it mattered knowing who you love in this world but it doesn't at all.  Nobody would want to be with me.  How would I even explain my life to someone?  If I was Peter from family guy or if I turned this place into Pee Wee's Playhouse it would make more sense than my life does now.  I could dress the rest of my life as a giant chipmunk and the world would think I was doing this life better than I am now.

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15 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Thank you. I will investigate that some more.

My life is full of regrets.

Mine is too, my friend.

You know, I tell myself that at my age I can't afford to play it safe any longer because an age is nearing when it really will be too late. And that kind of self-talk emboldens me to take action now. However, if I'm completely honest? I'll admit I've grown rather comfortable with my lack of boldness. That sounds too timid so i'll comfort myself by declaring I don't care for adventure anymore.

What's beneath that fable? I find a peculiar appeal in the certainty of my destiny. If my lot is mediocrity then so be it, at least I'm not troubled by doubt. I suppose that feels almost the same as having control over my fate. 

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