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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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3 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Thanks. This is good for helping me to think about this. I've been playing with a "cost/benefit analysis" in my head but I should probably formalize it on paper--and make certain to consider the best and worst outcomes for both cases.

It's nice to be "excited" about something again. My life would become much more dynamic if I made the change. But sometimes routine is nice as well...fewer unknowns that way.

I say go for it.  Run for your life!  A miserable routine isn't a reason to stay.

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7 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I say go for it.  Run for your life!  A miserable routine isn't a reason to stay.

I'd be moving quite a distance from my daughter. She's 25 though...yet still needs Dad's help frequently, partly because of her severely limited vision.

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13 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I'd be moving quite a distance from my daughter. She's 25 though...yet still needs Dad's help frequently, partly because of her severely limited vision.

I understand what you're going through completely.  If I had a logical way out of my hell I would go.  I've always wanted to get out of here no matter where I was my entire life from the moment I was born and I've been miserable everywhere I've ever been.  If I had a real way to be happy out there I would go for it.  I want you to be happy.  My time has passed me by.  I would love to believe there was hope outside of here for me but it's over for me.  If you have a chance at real happiness you need to consider it.  You should talk things over with your daughter.  Maybe there's a compromise.

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I went for a short walk, I listened to some music, I actually slept without nightmares last night so that was good!

I spoke for a few minutes to a friend, we might hang out over the weekend, ...get take-out and go to a nearby park and eat ..

It's hard right now things that usually helped me when I was down, seem to not help as much anymore.

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I understand what you're going through completely.  If I had a logical way out of my hell I would go.  I've always wanted to get out of here no matter where I was my entire life from the moment I was born and I've been miserable everywhere I've ever been.  If I had a real way to be happy out there I would go for it.  I want you to be happy.  My time has passed me by.  I would love to believe there was hope outside of here for me but it's over for me.  If you have a chance at real happiness you need to consider it.  You should talk things over with your daughter.  Maybe there's a compromise.

I don't think it's too late for you sober....

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32 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I don't think it's too late for you sober....

It was always over.  It began over so too late no.  No chance from day one is a better way to put it.

 

31 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

You have us.

I love you all!❤️

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Hey all!

I've been lurking lately. Still a lot on my plate right now to sign in that often. I'm sorry to hear many of you are struggling much more lately. I've had my own issues, but generally hanging in there atm...although tonight, I'm anxious...or at the very least, a bit on edge. Don't want to go into the details just now, but good wishes would be very welcomed and appreciated. ❤️

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10 hours ago, JD4010 said:

How pathetic is this? I keep wrestling with this decision whether to follow something potentially big and exciting, or continue to trudge along in this deep rut in a colorless existence that I've been in for decades. A normal person would jump at the chance but all I can do is wring my hands and ruminate on it. What keeps running through my head is the idea that good things like this just don't happen to me, therefore I won't even try because I don't want to face yet another bitter disappointment.

I'd have to leave my current meager existence with its few basic comforts in order to make this happen. It would require a move.

It would also require me to get my act together.

I've pissed away a few opportunities that have come my way down through the years. I've also pursued some of them, only to end up like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away at the last second. I don't want to land on my ass again.

But what could be...

I guess life is movement, I'd say bet at it, who knows what may happen this time.

 

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6 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm not really struggling.  I'm sick of this impossible life.  I'm sick of being alone and knowing there is zero hope of changing things.

Got the feeling. IDK if it is about this era, but people is careless about one self. I do really care for a bunch of persons, but most of the time, to not say "always", I'm the one reaching out for them. Sometimes I think about this fact, sometimes I stop reaching out and there's this stillness, this solitude. Lastly I'm accepting it, as a way of living, I'm not reaching out anymore, if not for 2 friends of mine, and few relatives, family. I just don't care anymore about finding a partner, new friends, I gave up. Don't know what to say, just that I understand you

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❤️      ((((JD4010))))    ❤️

❤️        ((((sober))))      ❤️

❤️   ((((ladysmurf))))   ❤️

❤️     ((((anxiousE))))   ❤️

❤️    ((((Devlinkyla))))   ❤️

❤️      ((((nothing))))     ❤️

 

Because I once had a fresh white gardenia blossom. I laid it carefully in a cup of crystal water and centered it on the kitchen table and witnessed its mysterious splendor.

 

Then it dropped aphids everywhere and rotted and stank and I threw it out and I got in trouble for throwing it out in the wrong place.

 

Today I sit at that same table, in that same chair, enshrouded in darkness, wearily wearing the miles of years that time and failure have carved into my bones and infected my heart. But in the aching silence of an endless solitary downfall, I sometimes glimpse an ancient shadow before me. And in those rare mad moments, if I close my eyes, I can all but remember what it was like to bury my face in a perfect blossom and seemingly sense a distant bygone summer, a single-note song of childhood hopes and gentle tomorrows.

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Feeling frustrated 😞  . Just got a new job and the work is hell and the people are worse . I dont understand why some people at jobs make it a mission to complain and bother others 

Edited by June322
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18 hours ago, JD4010 said:

What keeps running through my head is the idea that good things like this just don't happen to me, therefore I won't even try because I don't want to face yet another bitter disappointment.

I understand that feeling/thinking, I associate it with my depression which informs me I dont have the fortitude or resilience to endure disappointment. Best to keep my world very predictable and maintain the illusion of control. 

Took years before I had accrued enough small experiences where I felt I could take some bigger risks. Uncertainty was that intolerable - up until the point when it wasn't. 

"I dont deserve good things" or distrusting anything that could bring happiness - that is also familiar to me. Recently learned theres a term for that: Hedonophobia or Cherophobia. Aversion to joy or happiness. There are several reasons why we distrust anything that looks good and it might be worth reading about if understanding it will help you lay outcthe pros/cons of this new opportunity. 

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10 hours ago, nothing_man said:

Got the feeling. IDK if it is about this era, but people is careless about one self. I do really care for a bunch of persons, but most of the time, to not say "always", I'm the one reaching out for them. Sometimes I think about this fact, sometimes I stop reaching out and there's this stillness, this solitude. Lastly I'm accepting it, as a way of living, I'm not reaching out anymore, if not for 2 friends of mine, and few relatives, family. I just don't care anymore about finding a partner, new friends, I gave up. Don't know what to say, just that I understand you

People put up with me when I come around but nobody has ever liked me or loved me and they want that time that I show up to be the last time they ever see me.  That's been the story of my whole life.  I can honestly say that nobody has ever been happy to see me in my entire life.

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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

It was always over.  It began over so too late no.  No chance from day one is a better way to put it.

 

I love you all!❤️

I can understand I feel like that many times too, when i compare my life. it's not fair that i had to deal with all this since i was a kid and others have their health, but like i always say everyone is fighting their own battles.. and we might think others have it better than we do, but i doubt it.. I am not sure if it's too late , only time will tell..

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5 hours ago, Atra said:

I understand that feeling/thinking, I associate it with my depression which informs me I dont have the fortitude or resilience to endure disappointment. Best to keep my world very predictable and maintain the illusion of control. 

Took years before I had accrued enough small experiences where I felt I could take some bigger risks. Uncertainty was that intolerable - up until the point when it wasn't. 

"I dont deserve good things" or distrusting anything that could bring happiness - that is also familiar to me. Recently learned theres a term for that: Hedonophobia or Cherophobia. Aversion to joy or happiness. There are several reasons why we distrust anything that looks good and it might be worth reading about if understanding it will help you lay outcthe pros/cons of this new opportunity. 

 

Interesting! I'm going to look into these terms. I used to literally say I might be "afraid of success"...but I think my biggest fear really is fear of failure, so I dunno. Still, interesting to know it's a thing to fear success or good things.

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On 5/23/2020 at 5:05 PM, sober4life said:

I was out for a little bit.  I'm not letting them stop me.  I love their dog.  She's such a sweetheart.  She runs up to me every time I'm over there.  They're the type that lie and say their dog doesn't really like people.  The truth is they're just as paranoid as I am.  They're afraid I will befriend their "guard dog".

Dogs can be very wise. They are also the best listeners.

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Can I be honest for a minute???

here it goes!!

you might think am crazy!!

i feel like people are watching me and can hear what am thinking and want me to *** or hurt myself they think that would be best 

what’s with this **** I really believe this it’s kinda like why me what did I do 

whats your thoughts on this any and all is appreciated 

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9 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

Can I be honest for a minute???

here it goes!!

you might think am crazy!!

i feel like people are watching me and can hear what am thinking and want me to *** or hurt myself they think that would be best 

what’s with this **** I really believe this it’s kinda like why me what did I do 

whats your thoughts on this any and all is appreciated 

It's paranoia.  We have the same illness.  I'm not sure if my paranoia came before or after people ruined my life a million times.  They say paranoia is a part of what we have but people with our condition are treated very badly throughout our lives.  Nobody wants you to hurt yourself.  You're probably like me you can have these thoughts without talking to people today or this week or even this month.  Our mind tries to make up things about people.  I've lived in probably 20 different places as an adult and I've always thought the neighbors are plotting against me and after me.  I've been here for 3 years and don't even know their names.  Our mind makes up all of this stuff.

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10 minutes ago, sober4life said:

It's paranoia.  We have the same illness.  I'm not sure if my paranoia came before or after people ruined my life a million times.  They say paranoia is a part of what we have but people with our condition are treated very badly throughout our lives.  Nobody wants you to hurt yourself.  You're probably like me you can have these thoughts without talking to people today or this week or even this month.  Our mind tries to make up things about people.  I've lived in probably 20 different places as an adult and I've always thought the neighbors are plotting against me and after me.  I've been here for 3 years and don't even know their names.  Our mind makes up all of this stuff.

Yeah, I agree with all of this. There're different levels, but in a sense, we are all paranoid. Is about dealing with non-facts. The clue is to accept that's all imagination, not easy sometimes, specially when emotions goes attached to paranoid thoughts. I think that meditation helps with it. I don't sit to do nothing for a long long while, but it's healty.

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