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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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5 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

Congratulations 

Today has been one of the hardest days to get through.  I've been crying since I got home from the party today.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life today by far!

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I do not enjoy the presence of children. I have never, even when I was one. Don't get me wrong, I'm great with them (I never say the word "kids") and I think they're wonderful gifts to the universe - they're just not great gifts to me.

 

So how desperate and lonely am I that tonight, when I was sitting outside watching the sunset and two neighbor 7-year olds came flying into my yard on bicycles and hopped up on god knows what carbonated beverages, screaming "Uncle Tym! Uncle Tym!", the smile I gave to them was almost involuntary?

 

I don't know whether to feel pleased for being momentarily normal or sickened with how lonely I am.

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Anxiety that spiked last week has begun to decrease. I'm not sure if it's any one thing or any number of things I did or if it was but a passing wave.

I did mindfulness exercises, meditation, affirmations, exercise, talking about anxiety (here, also in my support groups and to friends), slept, used opposite emotion and practiced radical acceptance. At any rate, doing a little better. 

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

Today has been one of the hardest days to get through.  I've been crying since I got home from the party today.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life today by far!

Sounds awful, what happened at the party?

Hope you feel better soon. 

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 Hi guys, I hope you are feeling good, or okay maybe is enough. I just passed by to say hello, wish you well, and recommend a band of two guys, they make ambient music, and it trully helps with depression and anxiety, please check Hammock on youtube, they have a channel and share all of his discs. Farewell.

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3 hours ago, Atra said:

Sounds awful, what happened at the party?

Hope you feel better soon. 

My mind allowed me to know the full story of me that's what happened.  My mind knows this is over now.  It made it's final move allowing me to remember certain things at the worst possible time.  My mind lost.  I will never drink or do drugs again in my lifetime.  991 days sober you lose disease!

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

My mind lost.  I will never drink or do drugs again in my lifetime.  991 days sober you lose disease!

Congratulations!  And 991 days sober is impressive!    "One more day!  One more day! One more day!"  🎉 :Coopyahoo:

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27 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

going to try and go for a walk ..i hope it helps my anxiety

It does help.  Nature walks are the best.  Trying to walk places where there will only be sunshine and animals are the best walks.❤️

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3 hours ago, nothing_man said:

 Hi guys, I hope you are feeling good, or okay maybe is enough. I just passed by to say hello, wish you well, and recommend a band of two guys, they make ambient music, and it trully helps with depression and anxiety, please check Hammock on youtube, they have a channel and share all of his discs. Farewell.

I don't likk the sense of "farewell." You're not leaving us, are you?

I listen to ambient music while I'm working. It definitely helps my concentration. I'm going to check out Hammock now.

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14 hours ago, sober4life said:

Today has been one of the hardest days to get through.  I've been crying since I got home from the party today.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life today by far!

Oh jeez, what happened? Hope you are doing OK now!

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On 5/23/2020 at 3:16 PM, iWantRope said:

But I live somewhere that's 18-hours flight from United States, in a year-round-hot-weather tropical country...still wanna meet in person? 🤣

Hey, if you've got air conditioning or a swimming pool nearby, I'm up for it!

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I don't likk the sense of "farewell." You're not leaving us, are you?

I listen to ambient music while I'm working. It definitely helps my concentration. I'm going to check out Hammock now.

 Oh no sir, I'll be around for a while I guess, if depression doesn't choke me enough. Tell me later if you liked Hammock.

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I'm in a panic. It's been two weeks and I've been living with the most anxiety I've ever had. also feeling everything is pointless...

I feel lonely, and I wish I wasn't such a horrible, miserable, depressing person, so I could actually talk to somebody.

I feel like Im at the end of my tether.

 

And yet, here I am, at home with my family, thanks to Lord Covid. At least I can't off myself for now.

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20 hours ago, nothing_man said:

 Hi guys, I hope you are feeling good, or okay maybe is enough. I just passed by to say hello, wish you well, and recommend a band of two guys, they make ambient music, and it trully helps with depression and anxiety, please check Hammock on youtube, they have a channel and share all of his discs. Farewell.

I also enjoy Hammock. Their songs are in some of my playlists for Ketamine treatments. "Turn Away And Return" is one of my favorites. 

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6 hours ago, Atra said:

I also enjoy Hammock. Their songs are in some of my playlists for Ketamine treatments. "Turn Away And Return" is one of my favorites. 

It's good stuff! Makes work go by easier.

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How pathetic is this? I keep wrestling with this decision whether to follow something potentially big and exciting, or continue to trudge along in this deep rut in a colorless existence that I've been in for decades. A normal person would jump at the chance but all I can do is wring my hands and ruminate on it. What keeps running through my head is the idea that good things like this just don't happen to me, therefore I won't even try because I don't want to face yet another bitter disappointment.

I'd have to leave my current meager existence with its few basic comforts in order to make this happen. It would require a move.

It would also require me to get my act together.

I've pissed away a few opportunities that have come my way down through the years. I've also pursued some of them, only to end up like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away at the last second. I don't want to land on my ass again.

But what could be...

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Mixed bag -- On the negative side, I have not made as much progress as I need to and am still unmotivated.   On the positive side, I will be out-and-about tomorrow (am looking forward to it!) and have started actually wanting to be doing something for the last day or two.

 I have prep work today, travel and activity tomorrow, and probably more travel and activity the day after tomorrow.  How that all turns out and how I react to it will probably set the tone for a while.  I am cautiously hopeful.  🤞

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9 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

But what could be...

First, "... a normal person ...".  Really?!  I have never met one of those or even know what they are.  Everyone I have met or known about has been 'abnormal' each in their own way.

Second, you are facing a big decision and are not sure exactly what to do or how to handle it.  Sounds pretty 'normal' to me!

The only real suggestion I have is to think about the best and worst that could happen in either case.  Then actually flip a coin (heads = go for it; tails = stay as-is).  When you look at the result (heads/tails), pay attention to whether you feel disappointed or glad with the outcome.  A psychologist I saw on a TV program suggested the coin toss experiment.  He said we usually know what decision we would like to make but are reluctant to tell ourself what we really want.  

Good luck.  I support whatever decision you make.   🍀

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58 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

The only real suggestion I have is to think about the best and worst that could happen in either case.  Then actually flip a coin (heads = go for it; tails = stay as-is).  When you look at the result (heads/tails), pay attention to whether you feel disappointed or glad with the outcome.  A psychologist I saw on a TV program suggested the coin toss experiment.  He said we usually know what decision we would like to make but are reluctant to tell ourself what we really want.  

Good luck.  I support whatever decision you make.   🍀

Thanks. This is good for helping me to think about this. I've been playing with a "cost/benefit analysis" in my head but I should probably formalize it on paper--and make certain to consider the best and worst outcomes for both cases.

It's nice to be "excited" about something again. My life would become much more dynamic if I made the change. But sometimes routine is nice as well...fewer unknowns that way.

Edited by JD4010
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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

Mixed bag -- On the negative side, I have not made as much progress as I need to and am still unmotivated.   On the positive side, I will be out-and-about tomorrow (am looking forward to it!) and have started actually wanting to be doing something for the last day or two.

 I have prep work today, travel and activity tomorrow, and probably more travel and activity the day after tomorrow.  How that all turns out and how I react to it will probably set the tone for a while.  I am cautiously hopeful.  🤞

I'm kind of in the same boat when it comes to what I underlined above. My anhedonia has been breaking apart over the past few weeks because I see a possible way out.

Good luck with the travel, and stay safe.

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