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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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Been trending towards a full blown depression but thank goodness I seem to be bouncing back now. 

One bad thing about depression is that if you have had it once, it is always in the back of your mind that you can fall into the pit again, especially if you were hospitalized.

Hugs to everyone here:  members and readers who are not members!

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I’ve had a really great weekend. I experienced things I longed for and things didn’t even realize I’ve needed. 
 

I feel like I’m riding a fulfillment high! This evening my anxiety started creeping in a bit. It was easier to set it aside and be present. I know this feeling won’t last forever so I’m trying to milk it. 
 

Ps: My previous account was bellerose. I sadly had to create a new one, so here I am as bellerose2 🙂

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yes I will visit her.  I found out where she is.

I'm sort of amazed by the randomness. I've been looking for places to live and realizing that the simplest things, like a nice sunset or a greenish treeline in the back, make or break the decision to buy a place.

It's very bizarre: Random, spur of the moment decisions effect everything. Like the butterfly effect.

I wonder how much of this will be read once I'm no more. If the Internet preserves everything, I guess I'm lost in time... like tears in rain. Time to die? I hope God gives me a bit of freedom in the end, though. If.

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Not terrible.  Kinda numb though.  I'm trying very hard not to care what other people think about me.  It's a frustrating problem I've had for most of my life.  I mean really, who cares right?  Just gotta live.

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Right now I feel exhausted like I'm moving so slow I'm almost going backwards. I can barely keep my eyes open but when I close my eyes they flutter because my mind will not turn off. I have never been in this state of exhausting before. I've been feeling like this for the last two weeks and my medication is not helping at all. I do seem to get the basics done like dishes and a little bit of laundry but that's it. I've canceled doctor's appointments cuz I just don't feel like going. I haven't visited family not even my grandchildren who I love more than anything in the world and I know that if I went to see them I would feel better. This is a new state of depression for me and it's worse than my normal depression if that makes any sense. Hoping I can break this cycle soon feeling more hopeless than normal.

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6 hours ago, anon22ae said:

I'm sort of amazed by the randomness. I've been looking for places to live and realizing that the simplest things, like a nice sunset or a greenish treeline in the back, make or break the decision to buy a place.

It's very bizarre: Random, spur of the moment decisions effect everything. Like the butterfly effect.

I wonder how much of this will be read once I'm no more. If the Internet preserves everything, I guess I'm lost in time... like tears in rain. Time to die? I hope God gives me a bit of freedom in the end, though. If.

When you find the right place for you it will give you a dopamine rush for whatever reason.  I suggest going on your own to the area and looking at the property as much as you can on your own and get that feeling on your own.  The process once you're being shown around will be very manipulative.  They'll show you only the good features and skip over the bad features and they'll be very charismatic the whole time and pretend to be your best friend.  By the end you'll actually feel guilty if you say no to buying if they are good at their job no matter what they're giving you a tour of so like I said go and try to get the feel good feeling on your own first before you take an official tour.

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Update on shoulder pain, last night while laying down i raised my arm above my head and felt a large very painful pop, after a few minutes the pain went away, for the rest of the night and now still there is no pain, an occasional ache and burning feeling but no pain, kind of weird, i think maybe cartilage partly torn getting jammed in the joint finally broke off completely and moved away, either way no pain, yay

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1 hour ago, surfcaster said:

Update on shoulder pain, last night while laying down i raised my arm above my head and felt a large very painful pop, after a few minutes the pain went away, for the rest of the night and now still there is no pain, an occasional ache and burning feeling but no pain, kind of weird, i think maybe cartilage partly torn getting jammed in the joint finally broke off completely and moved away, either way no pain, yay

YAY! 💃

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Man, if showering before my foot fiasco was like climbing Everest, now it's like launching myself to the moon 😬 Anyway, least I got it done.

Next is clothes washing. Hope I can manage narc mom's interference better this time..

Also gonna do some yoga and experiment a little bit with my foot, see what I can do with it now even though I have no freaking idea if I should or not. Maybe just a tiny bit of wiggling and stuff 😬

 

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Currently very frustrated that I asked n.mom to get me my vitamins which I really rely on today and she came back without them. She came over with an attitude when I said 'but I need them today'. No vitamins for me today 🙄

I also asked my sister and she was all like, not today, but tomorrow. So frustrating. 

I rarely ask anyone for anything. Usually whenever I ask anything of narc mom, it's a no....And bloody hell, couldn't my sister swing by the supermarket for me under the circumstances? I never ask her for anything either 🙄

Anyway, best I hit up the yoga mat else someone gets k*lled 🤦

Edited by Nightjar
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1 hour ago, Nightjar said:

Had an hour of peace on the yoga mat and then all hell broke loose straight afterwards.   .  Narc mom .....shout, shout shout... basically because I disagreed with her. That's it. She's so freaking abusive.

Sheesh 😾

Sorry you've got to deal with that, is there a countdown on the new home yet

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42 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm amazed you're able to get a shower!  You need a shower chair for a while so you can sit in there while taking a shower.  Honestly if it was me and if we were already arguing I would take in a dining room chair.🤭

That would be funny,  would go over like a led zeppelin but funny

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Five years later and I still like my physical therapist far more than I should.

I've had romantic feelings towards her pretty much since I met her and nothing I do seems to help. I've tried distracting myself as well as repeatedly reminding myself that she's married (and that even if she wasn't it would be unethical for her to be in a relationship with me) but neither thing has helped much in the years I've harbored these feelings. I could and probably should switch to someone else but if I did, I'd end up running the risk of developing the same kind of feelings for the new person.

My brain knows I shouldn't act on these feelings but my heart...well, it wants her in ways I can't have. And for the record, I don't intend to ever act on my feelings nor even tell her about them. It's painful to be in love with someone I can't have that I also have to see regularly.

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