Jump to content

How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

Recommended Posts

23 hours ago, Nightjar said:

@duck

Sorry to hear that you still feel awful. I have to say that I agree with you about therapists. I think most of the time they have more problems than we do and a superiority complex to boot 🤔

I know some people find them helpful and I expect there are some brilliant therapists out there but I suspect most of them are a bit crap. Lol 😂

Thank you Nightjar.  😀 I agree .  

I hope you get a place for yourself.   Sadly my sisters are like your mom.  

Goodnight.  Sleep well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Michael1985 said:

Lonely. Also wanting to run away from my whole life and never come back. 

I know how you feel.  I fully believe I will have to vanish from my life at some point.  I'm being harrassed more this year like I knew would happen.

Edited by sober4life
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I know how you feel.  I fully believe I will have to vanish from my life at some point.  I'm being harrassed more this year like I knew would happen.

Yes, if only one had the means to leave these dregs behind and have a bit of time in the end. At least some semblance of peace and freedom before you pass. Sadly, even this seems like too much to ask.

Maybe it's somewhat morbid, but I find myself wondering more and more about how I'll pass. Will I know my last week? Day? Hour, or even minute? It's sort of a fascinating question to behold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling lost today. In no man's land. Let down too. I asked someone a favour and they seemed really keen to help but were they really?

It doesn't seem that way today. I've heard nothing from them when they said they would help. Jury's out on it. I suppose they may still offer 🤷‍♀️ Also feel sad that I'm so lost in life and have no solid base. 

But hey, this may all be just hormones talking 😉

Edited by Nightjar
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Yes, if only one had the means to leave these dregs behind and have a bit of time in the end. At least some semblance of peace and freedom before you pass. Sadly, even this seems like too much to ask.

Maybe it's somewhat morbid, but I find myself wondering more and more about how I'll pass. Will I know my last week? Day? Hour, or even minute? It's sort of a fascinating question to behold.

I want to be taken out in a way I don't see coming.  If I was told something like I have a certain amount of time left the world would know that too.  That's why I'm so popular with everyone now because they think I'm not going to be here much longer.  I'm not afraid of passing just as long as I don't see it coming and as long as the world doesn't know it's coming.  If the world knows it's coming they turn me into a cash register at the end.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel a bit enlightened today.  I've known for a long time that I have been programmed to hate myself in so many circumstances. 

But today I finally realized that one of the ways I was programmed to hate myself was when I failed in some business transaction, like failing to get the best deal, failing to get taken advantage of financially and so on.

So many ways I was brainwashed into believing that if I did x, y or z, it would be the end of the world or a fate worse than death. 

Hugs to anyone who needs one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Epictetus said:

I feel a bit enlightened today.  I've known for a long time that I have been programmed to hate myself in so many circumstances. 

But today I finally realized that one of the ways I was programmed to hate myself was when I failed in some business transaction, like failing to get the best deal, failing to get taken advantage of financially and so on.

So many ways I was brainwashed into believing that if I did x, y or z, it would be the end of the world or a fate worse than death. 

Hugs to anyone who needs one.

Fascinating. I'm going through a similar self-hate realization. My primary "failure" as I see it was as a good husband. I've been divorced for 7.5 years now. I keep thinking that I should have just continued to take the verbal and emotional abuse she threw at me; after all, many people just do that to maintain a marriage. Now that I'm unemployed, I can no longer afford the monthly maintenance payments to her and I'm feeling a lot of guilt and self-hatred over that. But by state law, she automatically gets half of my retirement annuity anyway. Everyone else is telling me I shouldn't feel like a failure for it, but it's very difficult for me to convince myself of that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah I failed at life by the world's standards but it's because life has never really made sense.  It's like what's going on with the new baby cow right now.  She's been hiding like I would be doing.  Life as people do it is like life as the baby cow sees the adult cows laying in the field.  Hey come join us laying around in the mud and crap staring at each other chewing all day.  We don't even know why we chew all day but we do.  Come on come join us.  You know I'm not good at it and don't enjoy it because none of it is enjoyable.

Edited by sober4life
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Fascinating. I'm going through a similar self-hate realization. My primary "failure" as I see it was as a good husband. I've been divorced for 7.5 years now. I keep thinking that I should have just continued to take the verbal and emotional abuse she threw at me; after all, many people just do that to maintain a marriage. Now that I'm unemployed, I can no longer afford the monthly maintenance payments to her and I'm feeling a lot of guilt and self-hatred over that. But by state law, she automatically gets half of my retirement annuity anyway. Everyone else is telling me I shouldn't feel like a failure for it, but it's very difficult for me to convince myself of that.

Strange, there must be a disturbance in the force this week. I was having the same feeling of maybe I should have stuck it out, but in my few hours of sleep decided that it would have been worse. This body can barely handle daily activity at present without the trauma of emotional abuse. When the anxiety goes high, I stop functioning, thats how real it gets for me. I’m sure you experience similar. People around me still don't understand why as a man I just didnt man up, why did I let her have so-much control, yes my mediator said that. Never forget those words. I can empathise with your feelings, and offer words only that you are not alone in this type of situation. I don’t know how to help but if I get a magic solution or even a glimmer of hope, I’ll for sure let you know

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Been thinking a lot about why I might have been excluded from an upcoming family thing. Think I might have figured out a possible reason. It could be due to my uh, very different outlook on a certain topic and that some of the people who will be there probably don’t like or respect me for it even though they pretend to. In any event, I am still unhappy about this and I can’t really speak up about it (for a number of reasons) nor will anyone speak on my behalf. Guess I should be used to that by now but it still kind of stings.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feel really drugged, whatever they gave me at the center knocked me out, 1st sleep i had in over a week, sent me home with trazadone, trintellix and abilify, have to check in with them daily until my old psych doc takes over, they want me to check out AA, only because i was drinking heavy to try to fall asleep, which probably pushed me over the edge, there's a whole lot else going on also, anyway that's my last few days, SUCKED, but probably necessary. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The times I went to AA really helped me.  I think though there was a fear that I fit in too much.  In real life I like to be comfortable in the rooms I'm in but I prefer to be overlooked and kind of blend into the background like if I go to a party people probably won't remember if I was there or not.  It did help hearing the stories from others but I don't know it's such a strange feeling when you are connecting to people because they were just as screwed up as I was.

Edited by sober4life
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have all of you in my prayers.  I hope all of you have a good night's rest.  I will post more tomorrow.  HUGS if you need one.  :hugs:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm still reeling from the rejection I felt yesterday. The person in question helped me but in a really begrudging and super rushed way. It wasn't a big job... Thing was they offered 🤷‍♀️ but when it came down to it they weren't so forthcoming.. I had to ask for it. I almost didn't but circumstances forced my hand a little bit and it seemed they would be available. 

I was starting to feel the person was a potential friend - especially because they made out to be super keen to give me a hand and offered to go above and beyond to help 🤪

but I definitely don't feel that way now 😐

It reminded me of my ex when we had split up and he would avoid me and postpone helping with the sale of our house. It stung and felt like rejection. He couldn't get away fast enough. It also reminded me of high school when I was a bit of an outcast and quite literally shunned by (some) people because I was so withdrawn. 

When I make a friend it feels like healing that wound but when I experience something like yesterday it opens it up again. 

I never want to see this guy again 😬

Edited by Nightjar
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's how everyone is with me too.  They promise the world when they're around and then it takes everything in me to actually get people to do what they said they would do.  I just don't think anyone cares about anything.  People just say whatever it takes to get through conversations and get out of the room.  My whole life I've watched people and really a lot of them are just shaking their heads saying uh huh not paying a bit of attention to what the other person is saying.  The only thing on their mind is I hope they start talking to the person next to me soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's so important to our wellbeing to feel that other people care. I care about people, even when it's obvious they don't care about me. Lol 😑

I'm over being avoided though. That dude can go eff himself 😉

There's a quote I remember when I think about that. 'Once you feel you're avoided by someone, never disturb them again.' 

Edited by Nightjar
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, sober4life said:

The times I went to AA really helped me.  I think though there was a fear that I fit in too much.  In real life I like to be comfortable in the rooms I'm in but I prefer to be overlooked and kind of blend into the background like if I go to a party people probably won't remember if I was there or not.  It did help hearing the stories from others but I don't know it's such a strange feeling when you are connecting to people because they were just as screwed up as I was.

Not looking foreward to it but I'll go, don't think i really have an alcohol problem, but don't they all say that, i was using alcohol to try and sleep which didn't work so i drank more, between my mind spinning in all directions, the decongestant in my allergy meds and rotator cuff pain when i lay down, i couldn't sleep, and at some point i quit trying, but I'm sure they'll say alcohol problem because that's their solution

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, surfcaster said:

Not looking foreward to it but I'll go, don't think i really have an alcohol problem, but don't they all say that, i was using alcohol to try and sleep which didn't work so i drank more, between my mind spinning in all directions, the decongestant in my allergy meds and rotator cuff pain when i lay down, i couldn't sleep, and at some point i quit trying, but I'm sure they'll say alcohol problem because that's their solution

I haven't been to a meeting in years.  They didn't work for me really because I've never been comfortable in a room with people in it.  It doesn't matter why I'm in the room with them.  The truth is though you can find some very good people in those rooms that will help you with anything.  I always knew I had a problem.  I drank more than anyone I knew.  I was Landfill from the movie Beerfest.  There never was a doubt with me from day one that there was a problem for me but yes of course I always said I didn't have a problem because I was afraid they would try to take the alcohol away.  Why did I drink?  Because I woke up.  That's about it.  I would start the first chance I got and I would drink until I fell over somewhere over and over and over.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is such a disheartening feeling, i feel like a 6 year old, can't do anything or go anywhere without my babysitter right there, spent 10 minutes in the bathroom trying to go, knock knock knock, what are you doing,  tryin to shit what else. Arrrggghh

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, surfcaster said:

This is such a disheartening feeling, i feel like a 6 year old, can't do anything or go anywhere without my babysitter right there, spent 10 minutes in the bathroom trying to go, knock knock knock, what are you doing,  tryin to shit what else. Arrrggghh

Yikes. I have one of those too 🤔

How are things going with your sale surfcaster? Are you all set now? 🤔

Hopefully when that's accomplished the sense of relief will give you a bit of respite 🙏

Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Yikes. I have one of those too 🤔

How are things going with your sale surfcaster? Are you all set now? 🤔

Hopefully when that's accomplished the sense of relief will give you a bit of respite 🙏

still on track for now i guess, the sale is done,  many rejections later getting the new place is set for end of April,  but nothing outside will be done so it will be like living in a construction zone.

thanks for asking, how is it going for you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 minutes ago, surfcaster said:

still on track for now i guess, the sale is done,  many rejections later getting the new place is set for end of April,  but nothing outside will be done so it will be like living in a construction zone.

thanks for asking, how is it going for you

That's good. We're waiting on one thing before we can set a date. Shouldn't be long according to all involved. I'm relieved that I'm all packed now and just keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be done and dusted very soon 🤔

My fragile body and mind is still battered by any kind of stress though so I'm working on keeping it to an absolute minimum and resting as much as possible. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...