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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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13 hours ago, Charlee said:

Its hard, but it has to work, I have to get everything out, it has to work 😩🤞

Ah, I see. That makes sense. You want to get it all out. 🤔 I did yesterday and it felt like s*it just to hear the negativity coming out of me. And I started shaking 😬 Next time I think my head might spin around and I might start vomiting green stuff like in the exorcist 🤮 I felt sorry for my therapist, having to listen to all of my crap. I guess I got the general sorry story out in about an hour. It wasn't easy coz I was really tired and my brain wasn't the best. 

Didn't much appreciate her asking what I intend to do about things. How about some help? 😬 If I knew, would I be here? 

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8 hours ago, Evergreenforst4 said:
On 10/26/2021 at 12:37 PM, Nightjar said:

Got my first counselling appointment today. It's pot luck if we click or not I guess but I'll give it a good go 🤞

I hope it goes well for you Nightjar. I also remember someone named Mark, I think it was a cat named markinthdark but I don't really remember anymore. He was very interesting but his last few posts were sad and I never heard from him again.

Thankyou. Mark was the best. I miss him a lot. He was interesting and  talented but struggling with his health unfortunately. 

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thank you all for your kind words. i feel really bad that so many of us have to suffer with this illness. i dont know if i can deal with it forever. i've been dealing with it since i was a kid and the older you get the worse it gets.. i wish i could get some tiny relief...i remember when i took a medication once and it took away some of my anxiety and ocd, and i felt a little more alive. medications aren't a magic pill, but taking some edge off the anxiety, depression, and ocd makes you feel a little better, especially if you try to fill your life with happy experiences and don't let this illness destroy you. But sadly it disables many people , and it destroys them,...i want to thank you all for supporting me. i hope things get better for me, but i doubt they will.

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7 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Ah, I see. That makes sense. You want to get it all out. 🤔 I did yesterday and it felt like s*it just to hear the negativity coming out of me. And I started shaking 😬 Next time I think my head might spin around and I might start vomiting green stuff like in the exorcist 🤮 I felt sorry for my therapist, having to listen to all of my crap. I guess I got the general sorry story out in about an hour. It wasn't easy coz I was really tired and my brain wasn't the best. 

Didn't much appreciate her asking what I intend to do about things. How about some help? 😬 If I knew, would I be here? 

yes this is exactly how I felt the other day in my session, I was shaking too as I was trying to talk, and my mind was drawing blanks like trying to make me freeze so I wouldnt keep talking to protect myself. Sometimes im ok and can deal with it a little, but after my first session I felt horribly depressed after as well. I think the more I keep going the harder its going to get.

Yes why ask that? Like if we could figure it out ourselves we wouldnt be paying for their help and putting ourselves through this. I think I've had 5 sessions now and I still dont have any answers but shes helping me make connections and understand why things happened and the impact its had on me since. But yeah definitely no solutions, I still dont feel like theres any answers to it but we shall I guess

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I really need to care about myself to improve things. I just need to care a little bit, not love or even like for myself, just a little bit of caring. Ive felt so numb and apathetic towards myself for awhile now, I stopped caring, I didnt even hate myself because to hate you also have to care. Its gone to beyond hate, its just nothingness. I need to find a way to start caring about me!

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7 hours ago, FerryJerry said:

Just feeling angry and uptight as the day has been one of those days where everything goes wrong 😑 well the whole weeks been like that really

Sorry that your week wasn't as prosperous as you had wanted.  I empathize with you and hope things improve for you soon.  Wishing you the best.

Lindahurt

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11 hours ago, Charlee said:

I really need to care about myself to improve things. I just need to care a little bit, not love or even like for myself, just a little bit of caring. Ive felt so numb and apathetic towards myself for awhile now, I stopped caring, I didnt even hate myself because to hate you also have to care. Its gone to beyond hate, its just nothingness. I need to find a way to start caring about me!

Sometimes Charlee it may take doing something outside of the norm.  Perhaps you can do something for someone else in need of a helping hand.  It doesn't have to be something grand.  This takes the focus off of ourselves.  It has worked for me at times.

There was a homeless man at a convenience store where I stopped to get gas as I traveled to another city to visit a relative.  He wasn't begging for anything.  He was just sitting down near the entrance of the store looking hungry and dirty.  After I got my gas I decided to give him $20 to buy something to eat.  I never said anything to him.  I just handed him the money and left.  He did thank me and said God bless you.   For the rest of the day I thought about him and hoped that he realized there were people who cared.  I wanted him to feel encouraged. 

You will have obstacles on your journey of life but be encourage and keep moving forward.

Lindahurt

Edited by lindahurt
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On 10/26/2021 at 2:06 PM, Nightjar said:

You're not the monster in my story 🙂 I didn't want to go in but once I was there I did my best.....I felt weird afterwards but now that I've chilled out a bit, I've started to process it and think about things from a new perspective.... Soooo, so far, so good. 

I'm really happy Nightjar that you went and gained some insight that will help improve your quality of life.  I was in therapy for years and it paid off.  I still struggle and have my challenges but I'm better equipped to manage life adversities. 

Wishing you progress and success during your sessions,

Lindahurt

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11 hours ago, Charlee said:

yes this is exactly how I felt the other day in my session, I was shaking too as I was trying to talk, and my mind was drawing blanks like trying to make me freeze so I wouldnt keep talking to protect myself. Sometimes im ok and can deal with it a little, but after my first session I felt horribly depressed after as well. I think the more I keep going the harder its going to get.

Yes why ask that? Like if we could figure it out ourselves we wouldnt be paying for their help and putting ourselves through this. I think I've had 5 sessions now and I still dont have any answers but shes helping me make connections and understand why things happened and the impact its had on me since. But yeah definitely no solutions, I still dont feel like theres any answers to it but we shall I guess

We don't always see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep walking.  Its there.

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On 10/26/2021 at 4:17 PM, JD4010 said:

Hope things are better for you today.

My cats get me out of bed so that I will feed them. Otherwise I might not get up at all.

Some days feeding them seems like an enormous task in of itself.

I filled out a form yesterday and that felt like a huge accomplishment.

I have no motivation to do much of anything.

Quote:  "I filled out a form yesterday and that felt like a huge accomplishment".

Somethings JD4010, Its the smallest of gestures that can give us just a little bit of release.

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On 10/27/2021 at 12:43 AM, Bbqdad said:

Yes, alcohol is like pouring gasoline on a fire when I am manic or depressed it is so bad. I don’t do it for 3 years now. Before I lost my job and was living in my truck because I was drinking all the time and blacking out.

Awesome!  Your sobriety is a confirmation that change is possible.  

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20 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm bored too.  I'm going for a walk.  I'll rest when I'm dead I guess.  I was going to give up but not anymore.  I'll make it through this pandemic no matter what happens now.  The anger will drive me to the finish line!

Cheering you on.

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44 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

I was feel pretty good until I got a taste of narc mom's isolation skills. The guy in the apartment block who is lovely wanted to come in but she keeps everyone away since I've been here 🙄 I was looking forward to some more company! 

Growing up mom was the best friend parent.  No matter what we wanted to do mom would let us do it and probably be involved herself.  Then dad would come home and scare off all the kids.  I had to learn how to make friends on my own.  I was never taught how to do it.  Dad never had friends ever and if we had friends he would make sure that didn't last long.  The only thing they are good at is driving people away because anyone new to the situation would see there is something seriously wrong after 10 minutes.

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9 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Growing up mom was the best friend parent.  No matter what we wanted to do mom would let us do it and probably be involved herself.  Then dad would come home and scare off all the kids.  I had to learn how to make friends on my own.  I was never taught how to do it.  Dad never had friends ever and if we had friends he would make sure that didn't last long.  The only thing they are good at is driving people away because anyone new to the situation would see there is something seriously wrong after 10 minutes.

Exactly. It's how I grew up too 😬 It's a big part of the reason I'm so isolated. It's how she likes it but I'm determined to carry on. Not giving up. I'm at the park, I will chat to some random strangers instead. Lol. 

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5 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I was feel pretty good until I got a taste of narc mom's isolation skills. The guy in the apartment block who is lovely wanted to come in but she keeps everyone away since I've been here 🙄 I was looking forward to some more company! 

Sounds like she wanted you all to herself, lol.  Sorry you missed out on a great opportunity for company.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

Growing up mom was the best friend parent.  No matter what we wanted to do mom would let us do it and probably be involved herself.  Then dad would come home and scare off all the kids.  I had to learn how to make friends on my own.  I was never taught how to do it.  Dad never had friends ever and if we had friends he would make sure that didn't last long.  The only thing they are good at is driving people away because anyone new to the situation would see there is something seriously wrong after 10 minutes.

Thanks for sharing this, Sober4life.  Reminds me a little of my dysfunctional family, even though my twin brother and I almost had everything we needed and wanted - materialistically speaking.  But, what I craved the most was my mom's acceptance and attention.

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4 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Exactly. It's how I grew up too 😬 It's a big part of the reason I'm so isolated. It's how she likes it but I'm determined to carry on. Not giving up. I'm at the park, I will chat to some random strangers instead. Lol. 

Nightjar, I like your determination for change.  You are on the right pathway.  Hope you enjoyed the park.

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Yeah the weather is going to get awful from here.  How do I know?  Every door has about 1000 ladybugs hanging on it trying to get in.  I wish they would just stay on my clothes when I leave the house.  I would love to show up places covered in 1000 ladybugs.🤭

Edited by sober4life
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