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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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On 10/15/2021 at 4:39 PM, Nightjar said:

I'm such a 'natural is best' type person and here I am going down this road. Let's just say that all of the many difficulties of my adult life have led to this point. I won't be able to start tomorrow but maybe the next day. I'm scared of them, of worsening symptoms. Any reassurance is very welcome right now

I know how you feel, I was in the same boat a earlier this year, but I just decided to let go and try them because off them I was miserable as f* anyway so what did I have to lose? I believe that we know our bodies and minds best but doctors understand our biochemical systems that we dont, and if they think trying a drug is worth it then it probably is. I know some GPs are terrible and dont listen and patronize you, but when you get a really good one that listens and explains everything and reassures you that this is the best option now because going it "natural" isn't working anymore, then maybe they have a point?

Im on 150mg venlafaxine and 15mg mirtazapine. Im still pretty unwell but I think I am getting some good days in there now when I was persistently low and suicidal before... even tho ive had a bad week and have been really low and suicidal..... ill be seeing my doc again in a week or so so she might increase the dose again to 300mg venlafaxine which im a bit 😬 about, but whatever. Im placing my hope in these drugs now because nothing else has worked for me in the past.

Make the decision best for you, but if you do decide to try them you most likely wont have any side effects (or they will subside in a few weeks to a month) and itl all be fine 🙂

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I really am proud of myself for being able to complete my masters thesis and be awarded my masters with first class honours. I dont know how I did that. Its been such a hard year, I've been so incredibly depressed and anxious and suicidal, yet I was still able to complete a first class honours thesis! how?! I dont know, but its now officially published online and I still can't believe that Im the author. I can't believe how hard I worked for it despite everything. I may be depressed, anxious and suicidal, but my brain still managed to do something amazing for myself. I've never been so proud of myself 🥲

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On 10/13/2021 at 1:15 AM, juno_writes said:

I'll actually tell people something like 'I'm not really feeling verbal right now.' They seem to get it.

It's nice to be able to come and go and come back here as we're able, without the awkwardness. And it's good to see you again!

Thank you 🙂 I've thought of telling people im feeling non-verbal atm, I actually just came out to my family about my autism diagnosis, their first response was "I know autistic people and you aren't that" and then I explained a but and they were like "ooohhhhh". Felt so blah and scary coming out to them about it, but I guess it's part of who I am and I've got to accept it.

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45 minutes ago, Charlee said:

I really am proud of myself for being able to complete my masters thesis and be awarded my masters with first class honours. I dont know how I did that. Its been such a hard year, I've been so incredibly depressed and anxious and suicidal, yet I was still able to complete a first class honours thesis! how?! I dont know, but its now officially published online and I still can't believe that Im the author. I can't believe how hard I worked for it despite everything. I may be depressed, anxious and suicidal, but my brain still managed to do something amazing for myself. I've never been so proud of myself 🥲

I'm very proud of you too!❤️

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I feel like no one really cares about anyone. People wonder why I don't call or come around , well they don't call or come around either so who can really claim anything. I'm down to one friend right now and he's 70 years old. Things are really looking up. Thank the devil for the internet. 😈

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1 hour ago, Charlee said:

I really am proud of myself for being able to complete my masters thesis and be awarded my masters with first class honours. I dont know how I did that. Its been such a hard year, I've been so incredibly depressed and anxious and suicidal, yet I was still able to complete a first class honours thesis! how?! I dont know, but its now officially published online and I still can't believe that Im the author. I can't believe how hard I worked for it despite everything. I may be depressed, anxious and suicidal, but my brain still managed to do something amazing for myself. I've never been so proud of myself 🥲

CONGRATULATIONS, Charlee! 🎉🎉🎉  Well done.

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31 minutes ago, watalife said:

I feel like no one really cares about anyone. People wonder why I don't call or come around , well they don't call or come around either so who can really claim anything. I'm down to one friend right now and he's 70 years old. Things are really looking up. Thank the devil for the internet. 😈

Cherish the one friend.  Others will come.

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On 10/21/2021 at 11:39 AM, Nightjar said:

I've been trying to volunteer for the cat homes around here but I haven't got anywhere so far. I'm feeling really depressed this afternoon otherwise I would maybe try and call again. 

If not today, tomorrow or when the depression has lifted a little and you feel up to it.

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On 10/20/2021 at 10:24 PM, Bbqdad said:

Glad to see you here and I am really glad that you are doing well. Me too. I just got internet and a iPad from a supporter of the blog I write and it is fantastic. I don’t have to go to the senior center library to use a shared computer anymore I can actually blog and surf here at home in my apartment now. So I am humbled and blessed.

is it a big move? Different town?

Good for you Bbqdad.

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4 minutes ago, lindahurt said:

Good for you Bbqdad.

Thanks for that @lindahurt it is a real blessing. I’m trying to retire in six months and my blog about finding relief from bipolar using music, meditation and meds is what I’m trying to use to make that a possibility. So the workstation and internet are key tools for that endeavor.

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2 hours ago, Charlee said:

I may be depressed, anxious and suicidal, but my brain still managed to do something amazing for myself. I've never been so proud of myself 

You have all reason to be proud of you ! Congrats ! You mastered the downs of life so far and advanced outside of that "bubble" Happy for you !🌻

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On 10/21/2021 at 4:34 AM, womanofthelight said:

I'm angry.  And sad.  And . . . hurt.

I have a friend of many years who I found out was recently in town and didn't contact me.  He had been heavily on my mind and I didn't check up on him.  Just as well I didn't.  I'm ashamed of my life and myself and all I want to do is sleep and not wake up.

Please don’t beat yourself up.  Think of some good memories and it may help.  I am here if you want to pm me. 

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Happy weekend to everyone!   I am having inter issues again.  Anyways,  I have been trying to think of past happy times when I feel down.  It seems to help a bit.  Hugs for anyone who needs one :hugs:

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3 hours ago, duck said:

I have been trying to think of past happy times when I feel down.

Hi Duck - Happy weekend to you as well. Hope you feel better soon. That thinking of happy moments in the past thing is not working for me. It has an adverse effect. Makes thinking worse. I always look at my "Now" and try to get out of that box to see what is out there in the "future". Reason that works for me best is - the past happened and I can't change or lay back on. But the future I can control by any action I take. So that is my go-to option. Have a great Saturday Duck .... and hopefully you get your "ducks" in a row  at your terms soon💫

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9 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Hi Duck - Happy weekend to you as well. Hope you feel better soon. That thinking of happy moments in the past thing is not working for me. It has an adverse effect. Makes thinking worse. I always look at my "Now" and try to get out of that box to see what is out there in the "future". Reason that works for me best is - the past happened and I can't change or lay back on. But the future I can control by any action I take. So that is my go-to option. Have a great Saturday Duck .... and hopefully you get your "ducks" in a row  at your terms soon💫

Thanks Svenetc!

I am trying anything and everything.  Maybe I am creating happy times that never existed but it seems to be helping.   I think the call that nostalgia??

I am having internet issues.  I don’t understand why.  I may have to go back to the old ‘tin cans joined with a thread system.’ 😀😀

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Even though im medicated now... lots of past hurt has been coming up for me in therapy and I never learnt how to deal with it then and I still don't know and for the last week Ive been smoking a lot of marijuana to cope. Ive been high from about lunch time to bed time the last 8 days because the self hate is so strong, and when Im high I can really pretend I feel good about myself and I just feel good overall. Ive only been smoking because its the easiest cheapest drug to get.. if I could get my hands on a pill dealer I feel I really would become an addict... one night I found an MDMA dealer and I almost bought some.. one of my sisters was an addict for two years and she almost died and nearly destroyed her life and I was so mad at her then because I was so afraid for her... but now I would probably do the same thing to myself if I could because I .. hate myself so. When Im high I feel good, I just want to feel good.

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We're just doing what we have to do to get through this time.  When I was still drinking and doing drugs I would start when I first got up.  I would remember the morning sometimes but the overall majority of my life was a blackout.  I don't know that I know how to deal with things either.  I've just been chasing whatever dragon my mind wants to chase at the time.  My mind doesn't want to chase the alcohol and drug dragon anymore.  That's the only real reason I'm sober.  My mind doesn't want to do it anymore.  I would love to say I have more coping skills now but really I don't have any idea how I'm going to make it through any day.  Every morning makes me want to scream.

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2 hours ago, Charlee said:

Even though im medicated now... lots of past hurt has been coming up for me in therapy and I never learnt how to deal with it then and I still don't know and for the last week Ive been smoking a lot of mj to cope. Ive been high from about lunch time to bed time the last 8 days because the self hate is so strong, and when Im high I can really pretend I feel good about myself and I just feel good overall. Ive only been smoking because its the easiest cheapest drug to get.. if I could get my hands on a pill dealer I feel I really would become an addict... one night I found an MDMA dealer and I almost bought some.. one of my sisters was an addict for two years and she almost died and nearly destroyed her life and I was so mad at her then because I was so afraid for her... but now I would probably do the same thing to myself if I could because I .. hate myself so. When Im high I feel good, I just want to feel good.

Now Im worried at what ive just admitted to here 😬

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Sitting vigil with my Dad at 2 a.m. Excruciating. He's gone more than 50 hours without even water now.  Tried to sleep in their recliner and gave up, so now maybe I'll try and fail to do some work. Nothing else matters. I can't leave Mom alone with this. My heart breaks for him, and then I look at her and it breaks all over again for her. Keeping him home rather than in the hospital is the hardest thing for us, but I hope (God, I hope!) it is the better, gentler thing for him. 

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5 hours ago, Charlee said:

Even though im medicated now... lots of past hurt has been coming up for me in therapy and I never learnt how to deal with it then and I still don't know and for the last week Ive been smoking a lot of marijuana to cope. Ive been high from about lunch time to bed time the last 8 days because the self hate is so strong, and when Im high I can really pretend I feel good about myself and I just feel good overall. Ive only been smoking because its the easiest cheapest drug to get.. if I could get my hands on a pill dealer I feel I really would become an addict... one night I found an MDMA dealer and I almost bought some.. one of my sisters was an addict for two years and she almost died and nearly destroyed her life and I was so mad at her then because I was so afraid for her... but now I would probably do the same thing to myself if I could because I .. hate myself so. When Im high I feel good, I just want to feel good.

I hope that things coming up means less feeling stuck and the beginning of some healing, even if it's all still very raw right now.

There was a time this summer when I really wanted a drink (after years without), thought the usual "but it's not good for you," and then instead of the usual "I'd better not," just thought, "Good. Get it over with." All those great intentions and strategies... poof. They don't count for much when we don't/can't actually care about our own wellbeing. I'm trying to care... and have to keep it under control since I'm always "on call" with family stuff, but honestly don't know how to get through life right now without some small amount of anesthesia. I know I'll need to stop again. But first got to get through today.

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@Charlee :hugs:hugs sweetie..

I gotta be honest, I'm not convinced I would want to drag painful past issues up when I was feeling suicidal...

If it feels like it's making you feel worse, maybe find a different sort of treatment or counsellor(?) 

I couldn't talk about my biggest trauma for 20 years after the fact. It wasn't helpful to me. I just got retraumatised. I'm sure that's a thing..... You need to feel SAFE to go there surely(?) 

Feel free to ignore me Charlee of course. It's just my take on things. We want the best for you here. 

I would have thought that you needed more of a safe space to be at the moment and some support with managing the day to day (?) 

Whatever you feel you need is what's important. And I think you've stressed here that you need to feel good.. So whatever that entails for you....

.. Maybe, some support, gentle encouragement, gentle conversation(??)

.. Maybe a friend is better than a counsellor right now, someone to just hang with, talk about inane things to make you laugh and forget about the trauma(?)

... Just some thoughts. 

 

Make sure you do what's best for you ❤️

Edited by Nightjar
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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

We're just doing what we have to do to get through this time.  When I was still drinking and doing drugs I would start when I first got up.  I would remember the morning sometimes but the overall majority of my life was a blackout.  I don't know that I know how to deal with things either.  I've just been chasing whatever dragon my mind wants to chase at the time.  My mind doesn't want to chase the alcohol and drug dragon anymore.  That's the only real reason I'm sober.  My mind doesn't want to do it anymore.  I would love to say I have more coping skills now but really I don't have any idea how I'm going to make it through any day.  Every morning makes me want to scream.

I'm not convinced that any of us knows how to deal. We're all just bumbling about, stumbling around in the dark.. But we have each other and that's something good 🐻🐻🐻

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