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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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Still reeling from yesterday's news. My buyer basically pulled out after a month and now I have to start from scratch. Didn't get much sleep which is so annoying, I did well the night before. This is such a struggle. I'm a bit of a zombie today so I'm taking it as easy as I can. Hope everyone is having a better day than me 😘

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Missing my Matt is hitting me in waves.

One moment I'm fine (smiling and laughing and such like normal) and the next thing I know, I'm crying. Didn't help that somebody on a show I was watching made a Jeopardy joke, either.

I'm sorry; I know how dumb this sounds.

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Last month, I reconnected with DF for the first time in a Decade for the most part. Read my initial Profile(and Nickname) and have been dwelling so much on the reality that I too was much more hopeful about my Life 10-15-20 years ago.

Initial Profile(Interests):Raising my kids to be balanced and stable human beings while NOT exposing them to ANY of my up and down MDD issues.

Just turned 60 a few weeks ago. Been Unemployed since just before the Pandemic and SUPER intimidated about re-entering the workforce. Both of my Kids are in College and both have had bouts with Anxiety/Depression....my Son moreso...Began using (Street) Xanax for a handful of years....VERY Long Story short...I DID think back when I originally created my Profile that I WAS doing a good job of Parenting...NEVER did they have a clue of my own challenges.

Well...I am in tears right now while I am typing this....The true Reality has sunk in.

I MUST have done something wrong!

My wife, has never been interested in discussing anything that relates to ME and really hasn't since my first major Depressive episode in our Marriage in 97'...Our marriage is not 'good' right now.

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7 hours ago, MidAgeDad said:

Last month, I reconnected with DF for the first time in a Decade for the most part. Read my initial Profile(and Nickname) and have been dwelling so much on the reality that I too was much more hopeful about my Life 10-15-20 years ago.

Initial Profile(Interests):Raising my kids to be balanced and stable human beings while NOT exposing them to ANY of my up and down MDD issues.

Just turned 60 a few weeks ago. Been Unemployed since just before the Pandemic and SUPER intimidated about re-entering the workforce. Both of my Kids are in College and both have had bouts with Anxiety/Depression....my Son moreso...Began using (Street) Xanax for a handful of years....VERY Long Story short...I DID think back when I originally created my Profile that I WAS doing a good job of Parenting...NEVER did they have a clue of my own challenges.

Well...I am in tears right now while I am typing this....The true Reality has sunk in.

I MUST have done something wrong!

My wife, has never been interested in discussing anything that relates to ME and really hasn't since my first major Depressive episode in our Marriage in 97'...Our marriage is not 'good' right now.

Welcome back to DF.  Hopefully we can be of some encouragement to you as you weather through these life changing events.  You have two kids in college.  You did something right.  During these dark days try to remember that things eventually get better.  Sending you a hug.

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9 hours ago, DialAForAlan said:

Missing my Matt is hitting me in waves.

One moment I'm fine (smiling and laughing and such like normal) and the next thing I know, I'm crying. Didn't help that somebody on a show I was watching made a Jeopardy joke, either.

I'm sorry; I know how dumb this sounds.

No it doesn't sound dumb.  I've experience the same thing many times.  Its a part of being bipolar for me.

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Love is like every other drug for me.  I can't handle it whatsoever.  If I watch a show too often or go to a store or gas station on a regular basis or go anywhere too often I fall in love with someone there.  I don't want any part of it anymore.  I just want to hide here and if I see any lights come up the driveway I want to run out the back door and jump the fence and get out of here.

Edited by sober4life
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45 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Love is like every other drug for me.  I can't handle it whatsoever.  If I watch a show too often or go to a store or gas station on a regular basis or go anywhere too often I fall in love with someone there.  I don't want any part of it anymore.  I just want to hide here and if I see any lights come up the driveway I want to run out the back door and jump the fence and get out of here.

sober4life,

When I read your post I started laughing because your message is so relatable to me.  I enjoy the company of others but I keep most people at a distance.  I think its because of the expectations that come with forming new friendships.    I'm not always able to live up to what people expect of me.  So I keep them at a distance.  And of course, there are pros and cons to having this type of mentality, and I'm working on myself.  I have to set boundaries and find balance.

For you I'm thinking that you been so disappointed by those past relationships that you're just not willing to take any changes of the negative impact a new love relationship might have on you.  Just Speculating.  There are some good people out there, but you do what works for you .

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I'm doing much better, sleeping at night like I am supposed to, awake during the day except for a few nice guilt free naps.

Still no isolated though....

Still alone ..

Maybe it's all the dating site ads that keep me coming back...

Maybe it's that question 'what now?'

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12 hours ago, sober4life said:

Love is like every other drug for me.  I can't handle it whatsoever.  If I watch a show too often or go to a store or gas station on a regular basis or go anywhere too often I fall in love with someone there.  I don't want any part of it anymore.  I just want to hide here and if I see any lights come up the driveway I want to run out the back door and jump the fence and get out of here.

That is some serious social avoidance. Jump the fence. When I am at Walmart and see someone coming my way, I go down another aisle.  I also fall in love too easily. The last one took my truck , and I was living in it. I was on the streets so I checked into the hospital. The police got my truck back. And now like you I will jump the fence if I see love coming my way.

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20 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

I love how easy it is for my therapist and doctor to say "just hang in there. i know it's tough, " like do they have any idea what we go through?

I think I would rather have my therapist or psych doctor say those words than a family member.  When I hear family say something like those words. I feel that I'm being patted on the head while the family member rolls his/her eyes. At least when a trained person says something like that, I feel that they have an understanding/knowledge of how difficult life is for me. 

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Changed my 10+ y/o DF Profile earlier this morning, so that I'm not constantly reminded of so many regrets and failures. I guess that's one very small step in the right direction.

Edited by MidAgeDad
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I'm at pretty much my all time low. I called the doc this am and cried down the phone. Actually having a doc call back is a bit of a miracle so I must be ill. Lol. 

Anyway, he gave me antidepressants to help with my severe anxiety. In 22 years I've avoided them but now I'm picking them up tomorrow. I haven't taken them since I was 20. Not 100% sure I'm taking them but pretty certain. 

I'm such a 'natural is best' type person and here I am going down this road. Let's just say that all of the many difficulties of my adult life have led to this point. I won't be able to start tomorrow but maybe the next day. I'm scared of them, of worsening symptoms. Any reassurance is very welcome right now 🌻

Edited by Nightjar
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Why does missing my Matt hurt so much?

I wish I could turn off my emotions and not feel much of anything like I usually do, but I think it's too late for that cause I've already started to cry. I know I need to sit with my emotions and let it hurt, too, but I wish I wasn't so embarrassed about it.

I just...I want my Matt...

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Hi Nightjar. Maybe this is a step in the 'right' direction? I can only speak for myself, but after 20 years of taking antidepressants, I decided to see a 'holistic' PDoc a couple of years ago. Slowly weaned off. Didn't workout. I am still struggling after a year to get my brain chemistry back to 'my normal'. Keeping my fingers crossed for you! Do you know what Med is being prescribed?

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1 minute ago, MidAgeDad said:

Hi Nightjar. Maybe this is a step in the 'right' direction? I can only speak for myself, but after 20 years of taking antidepressants, I decided to see a 'holistic' PDoc a couple of years ago. Slowly weaned off. Didn't workout. I am still struggling after a year to get my brain chemistry back to 'my normal'. Keeping my fingers crossed for you! Do you know what Med is being prescribed?

Thankyou. It's sertraline/zoloft. It's supposed to work well after a rocky start 😬 

Have you returned to your meds again? 🤔

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Yes, I went back to taking Effexor late last Spring. And now I am trying out Wellbutrin in addition. Still trying to find the right combo that worked so well for about 10 years starting in 99'.

In the end, while I also wanted to go 'natural', I have come to grips with the reality that using these meds will be a lifetime decision.

Yes indeed. Zoloft is right up there as one of the top prescribed. Keep us posted! Maybe take a look at the Zoloft specific forum nce you get going.

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5 minutes ago, MidAgeDad said:

In the end, while I also wanted to go 'natural', I have come to grips with the reality that using these meds will be a lifetime decision.

Hmm 🤔 I think natural is great when symptoms are mild. But the more moderate to severe illness is a bit more of a ball breaker isn't it? 😂

wish my symptoms were mild enough for that. I think I've put up with too much for way too long. 

Using them for life would be ok with me too if they help 👍

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4 hours ago, Bbqdad said:

That is some serious social avoidance. Jump the fence. When I am at Walmart and see someone coming my way, I go down another aisle.  I also fall in love too easily. The last one took my truck , and I was living in it. I was on the streets so I checked into the hospital. The police got my truck back. And now like you I will jump the fence if I see love coming my way.

One time I was broke down in a parking lot waiting for someone and a man pulled up in a work truck offering help. I said no I'm fine. Then he said "do you want to fall in love"? I said no again. Lol

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