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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I feel relax and lazy, but encouraged.   Today was suppose be an active one...... gym workout,  run errands.   Instead I've been on the couch watching the tennis channel and snoozing the last 7 hours.  Oh well,  I'll give it a try tomorrow. 

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27 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

that's exactly how i feel ! when i was younger, i was more hopeful that things would change, that i would be able to get over this illness, or at least live with it and survive...i thought there was more good in the world, but it was all a lie...the older i get the more i see how fake the world is and how people only care for themselves.

It depends upon what get over this illness means for me.  Did I believe I could one day be the best version of myself?  Yes.  Did I believe I would one day be normal or like the rest of the crowd?  No of course not.  Me being hurt all through my childhood forced me to be hypervigilant.  I was forced to learn the world.  Most people just try to have a peaceful day and get through the day.  Not me I studied everything and used my spare time to figure out everything and yes the world is an awful place.  I'm in grave danger every day I wake up in this world.

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10 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Adrenaline still pumping through my body and still struggling with sleep.. I'm meditating before bed and in the middle of the night. I'm sure it helps but the way I'm feeling I need to meditate all freaking day 😬 

Ive never been able to stay still long enough to mediate, my mind always finds a new thought to focus on and my body always wants to move. How have you figured this out?

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On 10/11/2021 at 10:20 AM, sober4life said:

I'm sure the numbers will go down this year.  They'll start counting the flu as the flu again.

Idk... it seems like no matter how hard you try to avoid it, covid gets in anyway

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:
2 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

that's exactly how i feel ! when i was younger, i was more hopeful that things would change, that i would be able to get over this illness, or at least live with it and survive...i thought there was more good in the world, but it was all a lie...the older i get the more i see how fake the world is and how people only care for themselves.

It depends upon what get over this illness means for me.  Did I believe I could one day be the best version of myself?  Yes.  Did I believe I would one day be normal or like the rest of the crowd?  No of course not.  Me being hurt all through my childhood forced me to be hypervigilant.  I was forced to learn the world.  Most people just try to have a peaceful day and get through the day.  Not me I studied everything and used my spare time to figure out everything and yes the world is an awful place.  I'm in grave danger every day I wake up in this world.

I used to feel like this too. I naively thought I could get better and live a life free from this pain, but now I know its not possible. I may have a good few months at a time but for every good month there's always a bad month to follow. This will never go away. And I don't plan on seeing it through to old age. I think once Ive achieved everything I wanted to ill check out, of course I don't know the future and I could always decide not too but at this point I don't think so.

This sounds so defeatist but years of misery kind of take it out of you.

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I go through periods where I can talk (chat on here) and other times where my brain doesn't seem to have the energy to form words and I shut down and go into hibernation and only watch tv and sleep. Today I don't have any plans, but I had to move my car and I had to park it further away from my house than I thought so I was out in public in my pjs because I didnt anticipate the road works lol. #ohwell.

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On 10/11/2021 at 3:05 PM, Nattyb_52 said:

I'm lost, sad, unhappy, miserable, can't focus, can't think straight.

I'm 69, just had a birthday and a wedding anniversary. 4 beautiful grown kids, a decent job, but I've had ADD/Depression my whole life.

I tried to retire last year, but we are still supporting our kids with a lot of financial issues and I had to go back to work. Right now I feel like a disappointment to everyone, and I spend more time beating myself up internally than anyone else ever has. Way too many other issues dragging me down to mention.

 

 

I really hope life gets better for you soon.   I truly believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.   Hang in there.   I'm cheering for you. 

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27 minutes ago, Charlee said:

I go through periods where I can talk (chat on here) and other times where my brain doesn't seem to have the energy to form words and I shut down and go into hibernation and only watch tv and sleep. Today I don't have any plans, but I had to move my car and I had to park it further away from my house than I thought so I was out in public in my pjs because I didnt anticipate the road works lol. #ohwell.

I used to dress up when I went out but I don't care anymore.  I go out in my pajamas all the time.  Go to Walmart.  At a certain time everyone is in their pajamas and even slippers sometimes.  I've worn my grinch slippers there before and nobody said a word.

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2 hours ago, Charlee said:

I go through periods where I can talk (chat on here) and other times where my brain doesn't seem to have the energy to form words and I shut down and go into hibernation and only watch tv and sleep. Today I don't have any plans, but I had to move my car and I had to park it further away from my house than I thought so I was out in public in my pjs because I didnt anticipate the road works lol. #ohwell.

I'll actually tell people something like 'I'm not really feeling verbal right now.' They seem to get it.

It's nice to be able to come and go and come back here as we're able, without the awkwardness. And it's good to see you again!

Edited by juno_writes
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On 10/11/2021 at 3:30 PM, Nattyb_52 said:

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. You obviously are not able to see what a difference you make in others lives. this continued attitude does carry over in how you treat your relationship as you are not able to perceive the love shown to you. I have spent 34 years trying to show you how amazing you are. I see I am not capable of showing you. I am lost as to how to help you. It has not been easy walking the fine line of your determined self defeat. i am deeply saddened that even though your 4 amazing children and you wife love you to pieces, you still can't feel that. For if you can't feel our love, you are not able to share that degree of love with us either. we are 5 on our own with you determined to defeat yourself. i am so saddened to read this. I guess I am also lost to your determined depression, by default, i am a consequence of your determination. i always hoped for great love and joy, but I see i was only living in my own hope, unfortunately I am alone in that place you choose to never join me.

I feel I have wasted such great effort and love. I can not walk that life with you anymore.

"The above was written by my wife, unfortunately some others take my depression as an insult to them, somehow"

That's a gut punch. I hear her pain and don't know the context ("determination"), but also recognize some misunderstandings of what depression is because I've heard them too. It's just a hard thing to explain to someone.

Depression isn't a failure to see that others love and depend on us. Not being able to feel things others do, or believe the things they do about ourselves, isn't caused by some lack of willpower. I've tried *everything* to improve this, and will keep trying.

"If you can't feel our love, you are not able to share that degree of love with us either." I often go through the actions without much emotion these days, but I keep showing up day after day, and that is absolutely its own kind of love.

Anyway, welcome. Glad you're here.

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I cried myself to sleep last night and I'm probably going to do the same tonight. Matt wasn't just anybody to me - he was and is, as I said earlier, the only reason I'm still alive.

Oh, sure, I can continue to follow his life on Twitter, but it's not the same. My heart hurts...

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My headache eased but I am not sleeping.  I have been up for twenty five hours straight.  I hope to get some sleep soon. 

My sisters are harassing me again.  Earlier today they were asking me for their password for their utility bill online account!  This is insane!  It never ends. How in the world would I know their password??? Three days ago she was hounding me for another password.  She demanded to see the book which I write my passwords in.  I had this same issue at my last job.  Female employees were hounding me for information when they should be asking their manager.  Some of them were cussing/swearing at me. Some of them threw coins at my face.  I was just an ordinary employee.  This insanity to a whole new level. When I tell doctors and therapists they tell me I am the problem!  I am gonna have to hire a lawyer to deal with these issues.  I cannot deal with this nonsense anymore.  This is harassment!

Thanks for listening.

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11 hours ago, Charlee said:

Ive never been able to stay still long enough to mediate, my mind always finds a new thought to focus on and my body always wants to move. How have you figured this out?

Thoughts never go away completely. Buddha had them too 😂 The goal of meditation is to begin to get some distance from them so that we can let them pass like clouds in the sky ☁️☁️☁️

Meditation practices very often use  breathing techniques to help with this and this is what I do. I basically just do a lot of deep breathing and concentrate on it.... The deep breaths calm the stress hormones and the focus on it helps take the attention away from the crap in our mind. 

Cross legged, sitting still meditation wouldn't be where I would begin however... Yoga practice where you breathe along with gentle movement can be a more powerful introduction to this technique to calm the mind...The focus on the movement and the breathing is an even more powerful way to take the attention away from the thoughts.... 

Especially if you find sitting still difficult I would try the yoga route first... Sitting still and being calm is probably the hardest thing we can do but yoga can definitely help us get there 🤔

 

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17 hours ago, Charlee said:

 

This sounds so defeatist but years of misery kind of take it out of you.

that is exactly what I told my doctor in our recent session. after so many decades of dealing with all this i think i've reached my limit. i mean i have literally no hope left for nothing..what do i have to look forward to? nothing.

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Bad day today. I shouldn't have acted out when I had bad news but I did and I spread the negativity about a bit.... That karma is likely gonna bite my butt.... Anyway, things could always be worse. Nite nite family 🤞💤🤞💤 hoping for sleep tonight. 

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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Bad day today. I shouldn't have acted out when I had bad news but I did and I spread the negativity about a bit.... That karma is likely gonna bite my butt.... Anyway, things could always be worse. Nite nite family 🤞💤🤞💤 hoping for sleep tonight. 

Sorry to hear.  I have been acting out more and more recently 😀

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I saw my family doctor today. My appointment went okay aside from him being late.  He showed me hot to use a new medication named Ozempic. It’s sort of like an epi pen or whatever it’s called. I have to inject myself once a week.   He did it with me and it was okay.  He told me the side effects will make me sleepy , tired, constipated. This is just great because I already have those issues.  
my Blood pressure is a bit higher than it should be.  Ozempic medication is supposed to suppress my appetite 😀

 
Good news is I lost fourteen pounds.  I am now 261.   Last February I was 275 lbs.  

(Before I became ill I was 177 lbs. )

 

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3 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Bad day today. I shouldn't have acted out when I had bad news but I did and I spread the negativity about a bit.... That karma is likely gonna bite my butt.... Anyway, things could always be worse. Nite nite family 🤞💤🤞💤 hoping for sleep tonight. 

For whatever reason we all let our emotions get the best of us sometimes.  So don't beat yourself up.  Learn from it and move forward.   Like you said things could be worse. 

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Depression lvl 9/10, struggling since days. I can barely do basic stuff... and the clock still ticking, and I'm getting delayed with stuff. I got to the point that I don't even want to ask for help from my closest friends, I'll just navigate this by myself.

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6 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Bad day today. I shouldn't have acted out when I had bad news but I did and I spread the negativity about a bit.... That karma is likely gonna bite my butt.... Anyway, things could always be worse. Nite nite family 🤞💤🤞💤 hoping for sleep tonight. 

Massive retrograde crap going on...im hearing a lot about things being messed up for everyone. 

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I slept on and off on the couch.  I don’t want to go to bed because I will sleep for hours and hours then stay awake all night.  
 

I am searching for a new hobby. Some many choices.   Maybe I can learn a new skill. 

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On 2/19/2020 at 1:35 AM, sober4life said:

I don't believe for one second there is a force out there that only gives me what I can handle.  I believe from day one there has been a force that has actively been trying to give me too much to handle every step of the way and trying to wipe me out.

I totally get this. I feel the same.. But then I also feel taht force is me. I myself am constantly taking on too much and burning myself out.. But I have no idea how to stop it..

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