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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I'm lost, sad, unhappy, miserable, can't focus, can't think straight.

I'm 69, just had a birthday and a wedding anniversary. 4 beautiful grown kids, a decent job, but I've had ADD/Depression my whole life.

I tried to retire last year, but we are still supporting our kids with a lot of financial issues and I had to go back to work. Right now I feel like a disappointment to everyone, and I spend more time beating myself up internally than anyone else ever has. Way too many other issues dragging me down to mention.

 

 

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This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. You obviously are not able to see what a difference you make in others lives. this continued attitude does carry over in how you treat your relationship as you are not able to perceive the love shown to you. I have spent 34 years trying to show you how amazing you are. I see I am not capable of showing you. I am lost as to how to help you. It has not been easy walking the fine line of your determined self defeat. i am deeply saddened that even though your 4 amazing children and you wife love you to pieces, you still can't feel that. For if you can't feel our love, you are not able to share that degree of love with us either. we are 5 on our own with you determined to defeat yourself. i am so saddened to read this. I guess I am also lost to your determined depression, by default, i am a consequence of your determination. i always hoped for great love and joy, but I see i was only living in my own hope, unfortunately I am alone in that place you choose to never join me.

I feel I have wasted such great effort and love. I can not walk that life with you anymore.

"The above was written by my wife, unfortunately some others take my depression as an insult to them, somehow"

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5 hours ago, Nattyb_52 said:

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. You obviously are not able to see what a difference you make in others lives. this continued attitude does carry over in how you treat your relationship as you are not able to perceive the love shown to you. I have spent 34 years trying to show you how amazing you are. I see I am not capable of showing you. I am lost as to how to help you. It has not been easy walking the fine line of your determined self defeat. i am deeply saddened that even though your 4 amazing children and you wife love you to pieces, you still can't feel that. For if you can't feel our love, you are not able to share that degree of love with us either. we are 5 on our own with you determined to defeat yourself. i am so saddened to read this. I guess I am also lost to your determined depression, by default, i am a consequence of your determination. i always hoped for great love and joy, but I see i was only living in my own hope, unfortunately I am alone in that place you choose to never join me.

I feel I have wasted such great effort and love. I can not walk that life with you anymore.

"The above was written by my wife, unfortunately some others take my depression as an insult to them, somehow"

It is hard for others to understand what depression/anxiety is like for those who live every day with these disorders.  At times, we don't like/love ourselves. Some of us don't understand why we are depressed/anxious, so we can't explain the feelings we have.  I grew up with a father who was depressed, but my mother would never say the word depression.  She always said he had a chemical imbalance & became very upset (& verbally abusive) with me when I tried to explain that a chemical imbalance was part of what depression is.  I had a person say to me that she didn't know what to say to my older brother (her father-in-law) or me. My answer was we don't need you to tell us what is wrong with us. We already know what's wrong.  Some days we just need a hug or a call just to let us know you care.

So my new friend, Welcome to the forums and I care about you & understand what you are feeling. Please feel free to express yourself here. We are a non-judgment place with a lot of caring people.

 

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Doing okay. Got nothing on the list done on this gloomy overcast day. I didn't beat myself up over it. but spent the day trying out crochet baby booties patterns. 

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I'm okay, but very worried. If this makes sense.
All sorts of difficulties have arisen in my friend's life and I fear these might affect their mental health.

Luckily there's a safety net, in a manner of speaking, that wasn't there before for both of us.

The news titles are irritating as f*** too. Makes me angry the journos aren't tactful.

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16 hours ago, Nightjar said:

It's nice to hear from you Charlie. I'm guessing you decided against the hospital option for now? 

Thanks, yeah at least everyone can understand the stress of lockdowns, its so exhausting and lonely and hopeless

Making that decision always felt to big for me, but if someone made it for me I would have gone along with it. For now my doc has increased the dose of my meds and they seem to be more helpful now.. not so *suicidal anymore, and getting matched with a therapist (finally!) that is letting me talk about everything, I've been hiding and keeping everything in so long its coming out like word vomit! I'm not in that crisis phase that I was in a few weeks ago, I'm not well but I'm a little better so that's something at least 🙂

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6 hours ago, Charlee said:

I'm not in that crisis phase that I was in a few weeks ago, I'm not well but I'm a little better so that's something at least 🙂

That's good to hear. Maybe hospital isn't necessary. It sounds like you're making progress 🙂

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Adrenaline still pumping through my body and still struggling with sleep.. I'm meditating before bed and in the middle of the night. I'm sure it helps but the way I'm feeling I need to meditate all freaking day 😬 

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

reasons to continue.

I got five.. 

1. We need you here. 

2. You are lovely and make a positive contribution to the world. 

3. To prove them wrong. 

4. For a chance at the good stuff. 

5. So that you don't have to repeat this earth school again 😂

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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I got five.. 

1. We need you here. 

2. You are lovely and make a positive contribution to the world. 

3. To prove them wrong. 

4. For a chance at the good stuff. 

5. So that you don't have to repeat this earth school again 😂

I agree with all of that plus I've been looking at ALF costumes only $89.95.  If it's truly over I think I should at least drive everyone I know crazy by dressing as ALF for 6 months.

Edited by sober4life
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On 10/10/2021 at 7:13 PM, duck said:

We are also in lockdown again.   I am sick of this.  Lockdown does not help.  Cases are rising daily.    I am fed up being at home in a cave.  This is like being in prison! Vaccinated people are dying.   

It's not meant to ever end.

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7 hours ago, duck said:

I am still having headaches.  My BP must be high. I will be seeing my doctor on Wednesday.  I am trying to relax and eat bananas.  

Do bananas help with blood pressure? Mine is very high right now.

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@duckand @sober4life: You have both helped me immensely. Sober was instrumental in my success of becoming...sober, and Duck's diligence is encouraging me to get more cardio exercise.

Truthfully, all y'all here on DF have helped me so much. Thanks everyone!

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5 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

It's not meant to ever end.

I think it will end but things will never go back to the way they were.  Every country has used this time to change their countries drastically in the ways they wanted.  It almost seems like it might have been planned from the beginning.

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6 hours ago, sober4life said:

It's very hard to keep going when you realize you're the uncle fester of the story.  I know I'm the freak that has to keep coming up with delusional reasons to continue.

How about continuing home improvements and home decorating?  Or go to weekly sporting events? To keep your mind occupied. I'm in the same boat and nothing is helping.

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27 minutes ago, watalife said:

How about continuing home improvements and home decorating?  Or go to weekly sporting events? To keep your mind occupied. I'm in the same boat and nothing is helping.

I have been doing home improvements but I'm running out of tape.  I will be replacing a couple of windows in the spring.  Let's hope by then they're not pretty much all tape like the spouting the guys made fun of here not too long ago.🤭 Decorations I got a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer stuffed animal and an abominable snowman stuffed animal at the store today.  I guess those are my Christmas decorations.  My aunt keeps wanting me to go to church every week.  I get it.  I know why it gives here peace but for me it's added pressure.  I have to worry if what I'm doing might send me to hell on top of all the other stess in my life.🤦‍♀️

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Devastated.

Matt Amodio lost on Jeopardy last night and, even though I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, I didn't think it would be this painful. Watching him was the only thing keeping me alive and the little happiness I regained during his time on the show is now gone.

I won't lie - I was (and still am) more than a little bit in love with him - to the point where I feel like I was dumped. 

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On 2/19/2020 at 9:33 AM, sober4life said:

I remember the times when I was happier.  I was happier because I had a more naive attitude about life.  I believed there was some good in the world.  I don't believe that anymore and even if there is good in the world evil is in full control so I lose.

that's exactly how i feel ! when i was younger, i was more hopeful that things would change, that i would be able to get over this illness, or at least live with it and survive...i thought there was more good in the world, but it was all a lie...the older i get the more i see how fake the world is and how people only care for themselves.

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