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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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20 hours ago, Epictetus said:

I took a sleeping pill last night because I couldn't sleep and now I feel like a zombie.  The world feels "soft" if that makes any sense.

Speaking of zombies.  I went to this pizza place a couple of year ago and on the wall were pictures made my children.  Most of the drawing were of people who looked like corpses.  I asked the manager of the place why so many drawings of corpses. 

She looked at me in amazement and said:  "Don't you ever watch TV?  There's a bunch of shows now about zombies."  I said:  "really?"  She just rolled her eyes and shook her head.  If you stop watching TV for awhile you're going be out of touch. 

Many years before that I went in a department store and there were all these t-shirts with skulls and tattoos on them.  I asked the clerk about it.  She said there are a lot of movies going on right now about pirates.  OOOOOOOOOOkaaaaaaay. 

I found this one T-shirt with pirate-like designs, tattoo like designs.  It cost $200.  Yikes.  I asked, "why is this shirt so expensive?"  She said:  "Oh, that's an Ed Hardy shirt."  Ed Hardy?    OOOOOOOOkaaaaaay.  I guess I have always been really out of touch.

Hope you get some sleep 

yea me to

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It's supposed to be miserable and rainy most of the week so I'm trying to rest watching more low budget garbage movies that you would tell the producers to pay you after watching them.  I used to watch The Son of Ghoul when I was a kid and he would purposefully play the most low budget horror movies he could find every weekend.  He would be very proud of these movies I've been watching.🤔

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11 hours ago, sober4life said:

It's supposed to be miserable and rainy most of the week so I'm trying to rest watching more low budget garbage movies that you would tell the producers to pay you after watching them.  I used to watch The Son of Ghoul when I was a kid and he would purposefully play the most low budget horror movies he could find every weekend.  He would be very proud of these movies I've been watching.🤔

I think your state is much warmer than mine.  We are around 34 F now.  BBRRRRR

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With this year's stress, I barely noticed winter passing into spring and then summer. Now it's getting cold again. I've been longing for time off, just to rest somewhere private and healing, have a long-delayed breakdown in peace, and then put myself back together (think about priorities).

Yesterday I was able to take 8 hours alone. Looked forward to it and used it as a carrot all week. Driving out of the city at top speed felt great! Eventually I had to look for someplace to sit a while, though, public but also private enough, and also safe. That's always the issue in this crowded area. Finally settled for a little town park without too many people. Felt self-conscious. Felt numb ("That warm sun would feel good, if I felt things..."). Lost my sunglasses and had to search for them. Drove home feeling as scattered and down as ever. Lesson learned: my next "retreat" needs a solid plan, so that it doesn't just add back whatever stress it takes away. 

Meanwhile, my relatives were at their beach homes this weekend winterizing their jet skiis. It's hard not to feel like a freak.

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9 hours ago, duck said:

I think your state is much warmer than mine.  We are around 34 F now.  BBRRRRR

It's in the 60s here but it's raining.  I get excited this time of year because all of my stink bug pets return.  I saved 2 of them today because they were stuck on their backs.  I like them.  They keep people away.  I love it when someone is here and they fly and hit them.  They're like small guard dogs.😄

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

It's in the 60s here but it's raining.  I get excited this time of year because all of my stink bug pets return.  I saved 2 of them today because they were stuck on their backs.  I like them.  They keep people away.  I love it when someone is here and they fly and hit them.  They're like small guard dogs.😄

I love it 

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I felt a little down at the start of this day. I felt depressed at times because my family does not include me in a lot of things. They just barely talks to me and it really hurts. I know it really is not their fault because of my isolating myself from them. This depression and mental health robs you of the life enjoyments that you should be experiencing on a daily basis. 

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7 hours ago, juno_writes said:

With this year's stress, I barely noticed winter passing into spring and then summer. Now it's getting cold again. I've been longing for time off, just to rest somewhere private and healing, have a long-delayed breakdown in peace, and then put myself back together (think about priorities).

Yesterday I was able to take 8 hours alone. Looked forward to it and used it as a carrot all week. Driving out of the city at top speed felt great! Eventually I had to look for someplace to sit a while, though, public but also private enough, and also safe. That's always the issue in this crowded area. Finally settled for a little town park without too many people. Felt self-conscious. Felt numb ("That warm sun would feel good, if I felt things..."). Lost my sunglasses and had to search for them. Drove home feeling as scattered and down as ever. Lesson learned: my next "retreat" needs a solid plan, so that it doesn't just add back whatever stress it takes away. 

Meanwhile, my relatives were at their beach homes this weekend winterizing their jet skiis. It's hard not to feel like a freak.

We expect so much relief after crazy stress and we expect it to be imminent.... I've discovered time and time again that the relief comes in small increments when the storm is over and that it takes time to recover our resilience and feelings of sustained relief.

Also that even when the bad stuff is over or we get a reprieve, underlying day to day anxiety is still there. For everyone. Always. Life is never that satisfying. There is always an itch and a desire to be somewhere else most of the time. 

We need resilience to sit on a bench in public as crazy as that sounds. We need resilience to clean the house, wash the dishes and brush our teeth. When we've taken a beating from the storm, it takes time to get that back. 

You are not a freak. But I recognise that feeling so I hear you. 

 

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Normally, I just have ongoing pain in various parts of my jaw, and stinging and numbness around areas of  my mourh.  I suffer from osteoradionecrosis.   Areas of  my jaw bone have diminished, so it's some pain, most of the time.

ORN is a common side effect of radiation therapy in cancer treatment, the effects usually beginning 5-7 years after treatment.  But a few days ago I got sick, pretty fast.  The failing bone has never caused a fever, but my jaw became infected, and the left side of my face puffed like a marshmallow overnight.  It was infected, and very sick then, I managed to get an RX for amoxicillin.  By then I could barely talk, my throat was so tight.  When I drank water I would have to hold my head back or it would run out my nose.  Not like when you laughed while drinking a coke, but straight through into the sink. 

Their is no cure for the condition, but if you keep down infection around the jaw, it will lessen the pain, stinging, etc.   Funny how your outlook generally looks up when the sickness or pain have abated.  The world seems better overall--though this doesn't usually last long.

Bulgakov

 

Edited by Bulgakov
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3 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

I felt a little down at the start of this day. I felt depressed at times because my family does not include me in a lot of things. They just barely talks to me and it really hurts. I know it really is not their fault because of my isolating myself from them. This depression and mental health robs you of the life enjoyments that you should be experiencing on a daily basis. 

I understand the being left out things feeling, its like a knife in your back , but you are right sometimes when we dont let people in out of self preservation they quit trying, kind of a double edge sword

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I didn't understand your condition before @BulgakovIt makes me very angry that they caused this problem for you when trying to treat you.  I hope you took them to court and sued them for everything they had!  It just causes such an anger and rage in me thinking about what they put you through!:bomb:

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Just now, sober4life said:

I didn't understand your condition before @BulgakovIt makes me very angry that they caused this problem for you when trying to treat you.  I hope you took them to court and sued them for everything they had!  It just causes such an anger and rage in me thinking about what they put you through!:bomb:

Thanks Sober, for the thought,

No one actually did anything wrong to me.  I explained too fast.  I was diagnosed with base of tongue cancer about a dozen years ago.   There are a number of  ways to deliver radiation to an area, to **** the "fast growing" cells that the ray guy looks for.  Radiation is the most common.  But, in my case, and others like me, the radiation has to pass through the bone to get to the flesh at the base of the tongue. 30 treatments, and the jawbone was just waiting to deteriorate, but it usually takes five to ten years to start, after surgery.  Then the  osteo (bone) gets the radiation (radio) and begins in differing stages to give way, lost teeth, etc. 

It's a chronic and progressive ailment, no cure--the antibiotic is strictly to hold back infections from exposed areas of jaw in the mouth.  It's a mess, but the latest reaction to whatever was out of  the ordinary. 

On the flip side, I now own 4 kalimbas, African thumb pianos.  I sure you'll all remember I bought the first with two weeks of covid.   One is a solid body mahogany, and the others are all hollow body.  All are tuned to different keys: C, G, Bflat, and the solid one is B.

My current repertoire includes lazy covers of most of what I can hear, given a few minutes.  Some of the tunes I''ve spent time on, and keep going back to, to see what I can do with them include:

She Used To Love Me---Stones

Pretty Peggy O

Don't Think Twice It's All Right

Concrete and Barbed Wire (Lucinda Williams)

Your Cheatin' Heart

I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry

When I Paint My Masterpiece

Queen Jane Approximately

Take a Message to Mary

And others too, for fun, like Al Jolsen's "Mammy".  The music rolls so that it manages to bring back some of what the original singings must've been about.  "Dixieland" too, great tune, a marching to battle, eating lead, song. 

Best, Bulgakov

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On 10/4/2021 at 1:01 PM, Floor2017 said:

I felt a little down at the start of this day. I felt depressed at times because my family does not include me in a lot of things. They just barely talks to me and it really hurts. I know it really is not their fault because of my isolating myself from them. This depression and mental health robs you of the life enjoyments that you should be experiencing on a daily basis. 

Welcome back floor2017.  I missed you.  I am sorry to hear your family does not include you in a lot of things.  😢

I hope you post more often.  

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On 10/4/2021 at 3:42 PM, Nightjar said:

We expect so much relief after crazy stress and we expect it to be imminent.... I've discovered time and time again that the relief comes in small increments when the storm is over and that it takes time to recover our resilience and feelings of sustained relief.

Also that even when the bad stuff is over or we get a reprieve, underlying day to day anxiety is still there. For everyone. Always. Life is never that satisfying. There is always an itch and a desire to be somewhere else most of the time. 

We need resilience to sit on a bench in public as crazy as that sounds. We need resilience to clean the house, wash the dishes and brush our teeth. When we've taken a beating from the storm, it takes time to get that back. 

You are not a freak. But I recognise that feeling so I hear you. 

 

You're right, of course. It took time to get into this state and will take time to get out. It did feel good driving 80 mph away from everything for a little while. Normally, I (used to) like spontaneity, just taking off with loose plans and exploring. Not now. So now I know. 

And yes, even in those days there was the undercurrent of not-quite-enough... If I can ever get back to that level, it will be with a different perspective.

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It does not fit anywhere...so I post here I suppose .... 

Hi all, I just wonder and maybe it is off topic. But I wonder - do you decorate your houses and homes when you feel all down and depressed ? I used to decorate for all the holidays when there was a whole family. Now that it is just me and my cats I have no desire - although I miss it. Granted my cats would love decorations ( especially a Christmas tree ) and my youngest son would not mind even though he is 16 ,but love a great ambient surrounding. But it seems like I lost interest doing it for myself. If you do decorate, does it elevate your spirit? or ... Does it take you down memory lane and you sink deeper into being sad and depressed ? I hesitate to try and find out. But Halloween is here, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years just in sight. Thanks

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