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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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13 hours ago, bellerose said:

Sinking to a new low. I just wanna stop the crying spells as an attempt to step up the tiniest bit. 

Sorry to hear you are suffering so much.  

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19 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah let's have a government where we have 2 sides that fight each other for 250 years.  Let's have a government that essentially attacks itself every day.  That will be a brilliant idea!🤨

I hope they come to an agreement quickly.   This is ridiculous.

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I don’t know if I’m being kicked when I’m down, or if I’m just the person who breaks down at every small obstacle in life (and obstacles r there every single day), or I just want to run away from being responsible for myself and my family. Can I dig a hole and stay there for the rest of my life 😭

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5 hours ago, iWantRope said:

But what would be preferable, single-party despotism/absolute monarchy?

The answer is no government.  The only reason we know what they do is because they tell us and when they tell us we don't believe what they say.  If you just look around and try to find something obvious that they do you can't come up with one answer.

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Kinda ok, kinda not. I'm actually scared of noise at the moment after being so disturbed by it at my house. I'm at my mom's and still scared of anyone making a noise. I wish I could predict when I will feel better but I can't I guess. 

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I feel like I'm walking a tight rope emotionally all the time.  The times I cried today was when I drove past my neighbor's house and saw all the Halloween decorations and I saw one ghost and I started crying because I was afraid people wouldn't like the ghost as much as the other decorations.  Also I cried at the store when I was getting spicy chicken sandwiches.  There were only 2 left.  That's not why I cried.  I cried because I saw the regular chicken sandwich section full and I said why doesn't anyone care about the regular chicken sandwiches and I cried.  Trainwreck.

Edited by sober4life
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43 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope emotionally all the time.  The times I cried today was when I drove past my neighbor's house and saw all the Halloween decorations and I saw one ghost and I started crying because I was afraid people wouldn't like the ghost as much as the other decorations.  Also I cried at the store when I was getting spicy chicken sandwiches.  There were only 2 left.  That's not why I cried.  I cried because I saw the regular chicken sandwich section full and I said why doesn't anyone care about the regular chicken sandwiches and I cried.  Trainwreck.

You're not the only one.. I've been tearing up today. I was looking at mini lion's pictures and remembering how much we loved each other 😭 At least I smiled at some other photos of her. I loved her so much. I can't believe what happened and I haven't been right since then. 

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We're both crying because we feel so alone in this world.  We found love in this world which is so very hard because this world is very cold and disgusting most of the time.  That's what makes it really hard.  We always had love and comfort to help us get through things.  Now the people that are left are just sick of me for the most part.  I went from always having love to always having nothing for years and years.  I know how you feel.

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25 minutes ago, sober4life said:

We're both crying because we feel so alone in this world.  We found love in this world which is so very hard because this world is very cold and disgusting most of the time.  That's what makes it really hard.  We always had love and comfort to help us get through things.  Now the people that are left are just sick of me for the most part.  I went from always having love to always having nothing for years and years.  I know how you feel.

:hugs:Hugs sober..I hope tomorrow is a better day for us both 🐻

I'm off to bed now..... Good night everybody..

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On 9/30/2021 at 2:09 AM, iWantRope said:

Mental illness is an incurable curse for life. Do you know of any depression sufferer who gets 5-year long service awards & promotions to supervisor/management…in the history of mental health?

I too made the mistake of thinking I could have a normal life, but that does not exist with mental illness 😞

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20 hours ago, sober4life said:

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope emotionally all the time.  The times I cried today was when I drove past my neighbor's house and saw all the Halloween decorations and I saw one ghost and I started crying because I was afraid people wouldn't like the ghost as much as the other decorations.  Also I cried at the store when I was getting spicy chicken sandwiches.  There were only 2 left.  That's not why I cried.  I cried because I saw the regular chicken sandwich section full and I said why doesn't anyone care about the regular chicken sandwiches and I cried.  Trainwreck.

I'm crying because I have nothing left to hold on to anymore...this illness has stolen it all from me.....i have no reasons to keep going on ...or fighting...my ocd has gotten worse and im just miserable..and want to be gone

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On 9/28/2021 at 10:00 PM, sober4life said:

If I knew you in real life there is no way in hell you would go this long without hot water!

Thanks Sober. I try to do things on my own and will not ask for help.   I can be stubborn & will only accept help when it is forced on me. 

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1 hour ago, nojoy said:

Thanks Sober. I try to do things on my own and will not ask for help.   I can be stubborn & will only accept help when it is forced on me. 

I know I'm the same way.  I only ask for help when I'm backed into a corner with no other choice left to make.

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On 9/28/2021 at 9:13 PM, JD4010 said:

Same here. For some reason, I thought I could be a successful normal person at one time. Well, the truth is, I was delusional enough to think that. I sometimes daydream about an alternate me that did well without unraveling. 

Yes.  Disappointed hopes.  Why do we keep going?  The daydream of the alternate life is actually hope, I think.  You still have the imagination to create . . . something.  Don't you think?  The life you want?  I wish it so.  We're about the same age, JD, and every night when I go to sleep, I give thanks for the people I love and who love me.  BUT.  It just isn't quite enough, is it?  (I feel nervous and scared saying that--like the life I'm not so grateful for will get worse and present more challenges I don't have the energy to face.).  There are other things, other places I've wanted see and I fear I'll never get there.  The things I want but have no hope at this point of getting.  When I lived in Brooklyn ("Borough of Homes and Churches"), I'd look at the beautiful brownstones and/or big Victorian houses with lights in the windows and wonder what life would be like if I lived in a place like that.  I wanted that but never got it.  When I lived in Los Angeles, I saw the beautiful Spanish style homes and wanted to have one.  It never happened.  I'd travel to the desert, to the red rocks of Utah and Arizona and want to settle there just because of the beauty of it!  Nope.  

I've always been on the short end of money.  What do I have to do to get more???????????????????????????????????????

These new age theories of visualization and meditation . . . I don't know.  I did them a few years ago and really did manifest some miracles.  I lost a tooth, which had been held together by a post and core for SEVENTEEN YEARS.  I investigated implants and I got a dentist in training who chose me (she had to choose one patient) to give the implant for dirt cheap, and she did a WONDERFUL job.

I always claimed more allowances on my paycheck because I needed to bring home more money than the job paid. So I set up a payment plan with the IRS where the total ballooned so high that when I got fired (yep!) from my job I felt panicked, and nauseous and horrified. Not only because of my tax debt, but because I was in an abusive relationship and the only way to get that man out of my life was to move.  So I contacted a tax preparer who told me about an Offer in Compromise, where I'd make an offer to the government of a much lower amount than I owed, which I would have to pay in full at the time of agreement.  The Offer was accepted.  

I got a call from a friend in my home town (when I moved, that's where I went) asking me if I was interested in a temp teaching job at my Alma Mater.  I said yes (even though I hadn't taught in years), and JD, the reason I was there became clear to me at the end of the gig.  I had a student who was much older than the kids in the class and he read a book on my suggested reading list.  He wrote me the most beautiful email about how the book had changed his life and how grateful to me he was that "when the student was ready, the teacher appeared." [sic] 

The things I have wanted most in this life have been to have a beautiful home and to share what I have to give with the world.  I finished and published my book simply because, as my sister says, I was "following orders."  (You know, that voice in your head that when you clear away the dark, comes through SO STRONG WITH THE LIGHT--?). Yeah, my book is out there but I have to find a way to market it.   

The thing about hope is that it requires courage, and I think I'm all out.  Being in physical pain every day and every hour adds to depression which amplifies pain, which deepens depression in a vicious, debilitating circle that's wearing me down.  Who am I now?  Not the woman I was who accomplished only some of the things she wanted . . . I'm out of both courage and hope, which are the two things I wish for everyone on this forum.  How else will we get by?

Edited by womanofthelight
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I took some ashwagandha last night to help with sleep and while I didn't get an amazing sleep it seemed to take away the panic and I went to sleep much easier.

I was scared to take it because I'm extremely nervous about any kind of medication and I panicked a bit after taking it but it felt like the ashwagandha neutralised that too. 

I'll be taking it for the foreseeable future 🔮

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I see that they are going to have Astro the robot.  It's not enough to spy on us in our homes.  When we're gone the robot will probably be looking through everything.  I guess they're not rich enough.😒 Me I actually feel pretty good today.

Edited by sober4life
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I took a sleeping pill last night because I couldn't sleep and now I feel like a zombie.  The world feels "soft" if that makes any sense.

Speaking of zombies.  I went to this pizza place a couple of year ago and on the wall were pictures made my children.  Most of the drawing were of people who looked like corpses.  I asked the manager of the place why so many drawings of corpses. 

She looked at me in amazement and said:  "Don't you ever watch TV?  There's a bunch of shows now about zombies."  I said:  "really?"  She just rolled her eyes and shook her head.  If you stop watching TV for awhile you're going be out of touch. 

Many years before that I went in a department store and there were all these t-shirts with skulls and tattoos on them.  I asked the clerk about it.  She said there are a lot of movies going on right now about pirates.  OOOOOOOOOOkaaaaaaay. 

I found this one T-shirt with pirate-like designs, tattoo like designs.  It cost $200.  Yikes.  I asked, "why is this shirt so expensive?"  She said:  "Oh, that's an Ed Hardy shirt."  Ed Hardy?    OOOOOOOOkaaaaaay.  I guess I have always been really out of touch.

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