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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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Since the SARS-Covid started, I've been having complex and vivid dreams.  Ironically, they tend to be much more interesting than my real life. 

Last night, however, I had a kind of nightmare and in it I couldn't open my eyes.  It wasn't that I was blind.  It was just that I could not raise my eyelids.  Was a scary dream

Hugs to everyone.

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1 hour ago, Epictetus said:

Since the SARS-Covid started, I've been having complex and vivid dreams.  Ironically, they tend to be much more interesting than my real life. 

Last night, however, I had a kind of nightmare and in it I couldn't open my eyes.  It wasn't that I was blind.  It was just that I could not raise my eyelids.  Was a scary dream

Hugs to everyone.

That is very scary.  I hope you don’t get those dreams again.  They are too scary.  

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I keep hanging on because of wacky principles I have I guess.  That's about it.  You feel like a strong fighter for a long time but at a certain point you realize your life is like a plane going down into the ocean.  All I'm really doing is hanging on for the final inevitable crash.

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18 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Fighting your way out is probably hard, but writing - like in here - helps. Because nobody can see you and prevent you from doing so.  And I do not have to wear  " make-up " - not even a mask 😷 

It is very helpful & freeing to write here. Like Svenetc said here you can be free of the mask.  And I'll add  that here are others who understand & are non-judgmental.

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12 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

I'm comfort eating on the sofa today.. Yep, a bit unhealthy but I haven't had a rest day like this in over a month. I need the air time to let my mind settle down 🤔

I'm resting today too.  Well kind of the roofers pointed out other things that needed done around here so they're doing the gutters right now.  Yes I'll admit I've been watching them so I know how to do it myself next time.  It's a lot like I did when they did the furnace cleaning.  Do you know what they do for that?  Open up the bottom and clean it out with sweeper attachments and charge you 100 dollars.🤨

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm resting today too.  Well kind of the roofers pointed out other things that needed done around here so they're doing the gutters right now.  Yes I'll admit I've been watching them so I know how to do it myself next time.  It's a lot like I did when they did the furnace cleaning.  Do you know what they do for that?  Open up the bottom and clean it out with sweeper attachments and charge you 100 dollars.🤨

I agree. The more self sufficient you can be, the better. My grandfather could fix everything in the house when he was around. He could fix the car too 🚗 His car was beautifully maintained 👌

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I've almost run out of money. There's a new homeless encampment set up in a park not too far from here. I often go by it on the way to do my pointless errands.  Right now they are probably feeling relatively OK because it's not too hot nor cold. Soon though, it will be snowing and getting down below 0F.  I have a pair of thickly insulated overalls that could probably keep me from freezing to death. This could well be the year where I find out.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I've almost run out of money. There's a new homeless encampment set up in a park not too far from here. I often go by it on the way to do my pointless errands.  Right now they are probably feeling relatively OK because it's not too hot nor cold. Soon though, it will be snowing and getting down below 0F.  I have a pair of thickly insulated overalls that could probably keep me from freezing to death. This could well be the year where I find out.

I sincerely hope not!

When you say it was newly set up, do you mean set up in some official way, or just that people look the other way and allow it? There are no other options where you are?

Years ago, I was homeless in December. Had a good sleeping bag and stayed warm enough (though not below 0F!), but would wake up in the morning to the frost melting off the ceiling and dripping on my head. Then there were the hours of dark, not wanting to turn on a bright light and call attention to myself. I ended up getting a job in a motel where they eventually offered me a room to live for free. Several jobs I've had included housing, actually (in places that were remote). I hope you can come across some kind of alternative.

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I've almost run out of money. There's a new homeless encampment set up in a park not too far from here. I often go by it on the way to do my pointless errands.  Right now they are probably feeling relatively OK because it's not too hot nor cold. Soon though, it will be snowing and getting down below 0F.  I have a pair of thickly insulated overalls that could probably keep me from freezing to death. This could well be the year where I find out.

Not a lot know this about me but I was homeless once and I was a hot mess got lucky my grandma let me come down and stayed with her it’s very scary I hope things work out for you sorry for sounding stupid 

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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I agree. The more self sufficient you can be, the better. My grandfather could fix everything in the house when he was around. He could fix the car too 🚗 His car was beautifully maintained 👌

Interesting.  When early mass produced autos were built and delivered, usually it was the salesman showing a rural family how to drive one.  He'd show anyone, as long as they could reach the pedals.  There were no mechanics, and like you say, you'd have to able to fix your Ford when it broke.  There were no "service" stations, only "filling" stations, that in time turned into service stations.  Self sufficiency was everyone's default situation.   "Get a horse," was the suggestion to people with cars they couldn't fix. 

Bulgakov

Edited by Bulgakov
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23 hours ago, sober4life said:

but at a certain point you realize your life is like a plane going down into the ocean.  All I'm really doing is hanging on for the final inevitable crash

To speak in your "pictures" .... I noticed that if my plane seems to go down I find all kind of mechanisms which engineers of life have built into me. Some work and some don't. However there is always air traffic control ( aka. the people I am surrounded by ) to stop that fall somehow. And so far they managed it. I hope you hang on tight to your "plane" and find all the features that will protect you. They are there. If I keep using your picture again.... there is usually a Co-Pilot and Flight Attendants on board with you.... so you have support Sober 🙂 The crash does not have to happen

 

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I need someone in real life I can really trust.  I'm lonely.  I can't stand the thoughts of being alone another winter.  It sounds like hell.  I have people in real life that will help with things to a point but you have to constantly watch them at the same time.  They don't respect boundaries.  They confuse helping people with needing to control everything around them.  They run the people ragged they say they're trying to help because they constanty have a I know what's best for you so just do it this way right now attitude.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I need someone in real life I can really trust.  I'm lonely.  I can't stand the thoughts of being alone another winter.  It sounds like hell.  I have people in real life that will help with things to a point but you have to constantly watch them at the same time.  They don't respect boundaries.  They confuse helping people with needing to control everything around them.  They run the people ragged they say they're trying to help because they constanty have a I know what's best for you so just do it this way right now attitude.

Ditto that. Meeting people just got more dangerous with covid though didn't it 🤷‍♀️ I enjoyed the meet up I went to. Not sure I met a 'keeper' there though, maybe that's why I didn't go back 🤔

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 It seems that the cycles of depression is beginning to switch from okay to I'm hanging on by my fingertips.  I will only ever  be okay in life, never good or great. I accept that. But recognizing what is triggering the mood cycle is causing some of my problems.  I'm just to darn sensitive to the behavior of other people & how it affects me -hence the drop in the mood. 

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I'm fine around people I don't know that don't expect anything from me.  I could pretty much go to the grocery store dressed as a bear without any fear because I'll never see them again who cares.  I'm honestly not sure it's possible to have a healthy relationship with a friend or family member where both people are getting something positive from the relationship and both people are their full selves.

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I have a stomach ache that I brought on all by myself.  After being on a liquid diet for a week, I decided to celebrate being able to eat solid food.  I bought a bag of potato chips but instead of eating a few, I ate them all.  Ugh. 

Its nice of the potato chip companies to put a few chips in those big bags of air they sell.

Hugs to everyone!

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Yeah I know.  They all rip us off.  When all the registers go to self checkout though I bet all of our food will be cheaper.  I almost got through that sentence without laughing.

Edited by sober4life
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11 hours ago, sober4life said:

I need someone in real life I can really trust.  I'm lonely.  I can't stand the thoughts of being alone another winter.  It sounds like hell.  I have people in real life that will help with things to a point but you have to constantly watch them at the same time.  They don't respect boundaries.  They confuse helping people with needing to control everything around them.  They run the people ragged they say they're trying to help because they constanty have a I know what's best for you so just do it this way right now attitude.

 

2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm honestly not sure it's possible to have a healthy relationship with a friend or family member where both people are getting something positive from the relationship and both people are their full selves.

me too, I have one friend really that knows the most about me, I tell her things but I still dont feel 100% comfortable and trustworthy around her either. Once your ability to trust have been broken too many times it seems like everyone will break your trust too. And the friendship doesn't feel entirely equal either, its like I've forgotten how to be a real friend and let people in properly, stone walls have been put up and I dont think they can be broken. I dont think id trust enough ever to break them. Such is life. 

Im sorry you feel so lonely, I'll have virtual coffee with you during those cold winter days 

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9 hours ago, nojoy said:

I'm just to darn sensitive to the behavior of other people & how it affects me -hence the drop in the mood. 

me too, I always feel everyone's moods around me and take them on like they're my own. I feel bad and sorry for others before I can take care of myself and that takes all my energy. I had a therapist once who told me this was a trait of an empathetic person, and that I needed to recognise the line when feeling empathy for others was just that, instead of taking it all on. I still have to figure this out. 

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9 hours ago, nojoy said:

But recognizing what is triggering the mood cycle is causing some of my problems.

I am sorry to read that. But I am doing the same. And I know my triggers. That is somehow good but also causes an over protective behavior. I try to avoid the triggers but sometimes I just can't escape. It sucks knowing that is being "ok" is ass good as it get's. Wish I could say I feel great, happy,excited, normal and free in mind and spirit. As long as I carry my triggers around in my thoughts I will not be able to do so. Breaking out that cycle seems to be the key. 

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7 minutes ago, Charlee said:

 

me too, I have one friend really that knows the most about me, I tell her things but I still dont feel 100% comfortable and trustworthy around her either. Once your ability to trust have been broken too many times it seems like everyone will break your trust too. And the friendship doesn't feel entirely equal either, its like I've forgotten how to be a real friend and let people in properly, stone walls have been put up and I dont think they can be broken. I dont think id trust enough ever to break them. Such is life. 

Im sorry you feel so lonely, I'll have virtual coffee with you during those cold winter days 

There are people in my life but our conversations aren't any better than you would have with someone you just met at the doctor's office waiting room.  If they were asked what I do day to day they wouldn't have any idea what to say.  I can't go on forever like this though.  Who could?  I'll be honest I don't know if it's safe to trust anyone ever again in my position.

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