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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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On 9/18/2021 at 9:08 AM, juno_writes said:

Good luck! I hope it isn't too disruptive. I had my roof replaced last year and still appreciate that feeling of security, after months of stressing every time it rained. Now we can just feel cozy. 

I wish if I was normal I would feel better but this is the first time it's rained right now and I'm walking around the house looking up at the ceiling expecting to see marks from leaking.  It shows the life I've had up to this point.

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14 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Charlee, it is sad to read how you feel. I know the feeling though. I " self-doctor " as well. But my issues are minor. I think I can handle it without actual help from outside. It helps me to be in here and read and interact more than attending any sessions somewhere or taking meds. Between work and my "social" life in here and a chat I can kinda live . But that low feeling hits me too all the time. Sometimes worse than other days. Just pulling through I suppose. The purpose of my existence I question all the time, but I believe that there is one and I will find out what it is someday. I hope you find a way to get help from any source. So that way you can write here in 11 years how that went and we will all be happy that your 10 year plan never succeeded  🙂 

We shall see, its enough time to get my PhD and achieve my dream of becoming a doctor, out live my cat, make sure my family understand, and then be done. Life is too difficult and I dont think i'm meant for this world **sigh** but who knows, maybe i'll figure it out and life will suddenly get better and I wont want to go with this plan anymore.

But you are right in one thing, its nice to be able to chat with people here who understand where you're coming from

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On 9/20/2021 at 9:57 AM, bellerose said:

Picking up on signals that mean I’m doing worse. Feels weird bc outwardly I’m able to act more put together. I don’t wanna tell people where my mind has gone, especially if I can get by. 
 

Ashamed, tired and desperate. 

How are you doing 'bellerose' ?  Are you okay?

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I never thought I would be sore from using a screwdriver but that's basically the truth.  If I have arthritis and it attacks areas that were injured at one point it must mean I've broken all of my bones at one point then.  Sadly the way I lived my life it's possible.

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I am wrecked. I have adrenaline coursing through me at the moment and my sleep is really struggling.

I've got a break from narc mom as she is in hospital for a couple of weeks. Hopefully my stress levels can re-set a bit. 

Have to go back to my house today and I don't want to. I have quite a strong aversion to it. Gotta be done though, I've gotta do washing and I might try to get some yoga done while I'm there 🤔

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Thursday I'm off to Santa Monica for a few days to record roughly 30 songs with my friend Eric so I'll be extremely busy while I'm there. Was supposed to go in July but timing for both of us wasn't good and I hadn't gotten my vaccines yet. Friday I know I'm meeting up with Doug (who's known me my entire life) and hopping around guitar shops that morning and my friend Sabrina is coming down from Sacramento so I'll see her too. It's been a good bit since we've all seen each other in person. Most people here have told me to take a ton of pictures and are glad I'm back to my music mode. It's strange because I have more of a friend circle in California compared to here in KY. Most people here too seem to be mind blown that I even know Eric to begin with and as usual are in dis-belief in a sense. It won't hit me until I'm on the plane but I am excited to get together with my music friends.

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I never thought I would be sore from using a screwdriver but that's basically the truth.  If I have arthritis and it attacks areas that were injured at one point it must mean I've broken all of my bones at one point then.  Sadly the way I lived my life it's possible.

I know how you feel. I have been diagnosed with arthritis but over the years the type of arthritis changed depending on what symptoms I had that day.  Even a rheumatologist  could never decide which type I had. So he called it atypical, asymptotic rheumatoid arthritis because he couldn't figure out what I had.  It is true that once you've injured a joint you will develop arthritis in later years.  

I brought one of those battery powered screwdrivers & I have no problem using it. I've been going around the house & yard to find things that I can now use it for, instead of waiting for my nephew or son in law to come over.

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for a change I am feeling pretty good considering that the plumber couldn't install the water heater because the electrical connection needs to be move. the electrician can't come until next monday & oh yeah the water pipes in the wall are beginning to rust out.  

It's just another day in the paradise I occupy.

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5 minutes ago, nojoy said:

I know how you feel. I have been diagnosed with arthritis but over the years the type of arthritis changed depending on what symptoms I had that day.  Even a rheumatologist  could never decide which type I had. So he called it atypical, asymptotic rheumatoid arthritis because he couldn't figure out what I had.  It is true that once you've injured a joint you will develop arthritis in later years.  

I brought one of those battery powered screwdrivers & I have no problem using it. I've been going around the house & yard to find things that I can now use it for, instead of waiting for my nephew or son in law to come over.

I'll never get diagnosed.  I'll try to hide it from people.  Sad I know but I feel like it's the only way.  My first thought isn't I need to get help.  My first thought is oh no not in this world!

A battery powered screwdriver with interchangeable heads sounds like a good buy.  I remember the days when there were 2 kinds of screwdrivers.  In today's world they don't want you to be able to work on your own things.  They have a "specialist" for that.

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Ever question all your feelings and moods and believe somehow that you're making it up? Yeah, same. Then you think back because you must have been gaslight when you were younger. I had a really manipulative and abusive boyfriend when I was a teen so there's him, but I think it goes back further. I don't remember my parents gaslighting me but I remember believing it was wrong to show others how I was truly feeling, I think I came to this on my own because I didn't know how to communicate those feelings..... is it possible to gaslight yourself? Like did kid me shut down to protect myself from some threat I thought was there? I cant remember.

Edited by Charlee
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15 minutes ago, Charlee said:

Ever question all your feelings and moods and believe somehow that you're making it up? Yeah, same. Then you think back because you must have been gaslight when you were younger. I had a really manipulative and abusive boyfriend when I was a teen so there's him, but I think it goes back further. I don't remember my parents gaslighting me but I remember believing it was wrong to show others how I was truly feeling, I think I came to this on my own because I didn't know how to communicate those feelings..... is it possible to gaslight yourself? Like did kid me shut down to protect myself from some threat I thought was there? I cant remember.

The overall majority of people growing up gaslighted me.  Nobody in my family talks about feelings ever.  They let it eat them alive and fall over one day from the stress.  I think I was always taught to never show any weakness of any kind.  Everyone is always after you all the time plotting planning.  Everyone is always up to something.  Yeah and then surprisingly I became a paranoid person.  I was never told everything is going to be all right.  

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Last night I tried Betterhelp for the first time. It was hard to get matched with a counselor of my choice (rather than an automated choice), with a focus that matched mine, but it worked in the end thankfully. It was interesting.

In my past with therapy, the first session usually felt pretty invasive but then the rest wandered all over the place. Super personal up front, then generic. This was the opposite. She got a rough sketch and then went to work on practical tools, mainly a simple safety plan. It didn't cover any new ground, and I still feel like she barely knows me ... but I asked for "triage" and that's exactly what she gave. 👍 She checked that nothing else was more urgent first and sent more in-depth info to follow up. She seemed to understand some symptoms I haven't been able to talk about elsewhere.

We'll see. Had to try something.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

The overall majority of people growing up gaslighted me.  Nobody in my family talks about feelings ever.  They let it eat them alive and fall over one day from the stress.  I think I was always taught to never show any weakness of any kind.  Everyone is always after you all the time plotting planning.  Everyone is always up to something.  Yeah and then surprisingly I became a paranoid person.  I was never told everything is going to be all right.  

And people wonder why we* dont trust them ... My family are the same, My dad kept his illness hidden from us so when he died a few years ago it was a complete shock, and we've hardly talked about it since. I dont want to hold everything in all the time but its so hard to talk and let everything out!

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7 hours ago, cherryapplez2020 said:

Hey

i feel great the happiest I have been in a long time it does get better just saying 

It does actually. It’s gets better. Then it gets worse. Then it gets better again. Then it gets worse again. And it’s a cycle and I wonder when I can leave this cycle. But yea, I’m feeling meh ok. Just got to keep searching for solutions to my problems. But at this moment, the good does outweigh the bad. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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18 hours ago, Charlee said:

is it possible to gaslight yourself?

Charlee, Yes ! I know you can gaslight yourself . I practice that every day and hate it. I deny myself to express emotions and thoughts and feelings. It is like wearing make-up . All just fake to "fit" at the moment and leave the wrong impression to please others. Only people that truly know me can see even through that make-up and know that if I say " I am doing fine "  .... I actually do not. That when my own shield crumbles. But I have only a very few people in my life that can see, hear and read of what is going on. I did not even know what gaslighting is until a friend told me. And that is when I realized that I have been subject to exactly that for 18 years. 24/7 and I did not do nothing about it and evtl. lost myself. My identity was basically gone.  Fighting your way out is probably hard, but writing - like in here - helps. Because nobody can see you and prevent you from doing so.  And I do not have to wear  " make-up " - not even a mask 😷 

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1 hour ago, Nightjar said:

I could have done with a rest day today but I met a family member. Not the best choice considering I only ever give to them, never receive.. I just felt more depleted after the visit 🙄

I know how you feel.  Everyone in real life drains me.  That's all they do is wring me out like a rag and move on.  I'm so sick of it.

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17 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know how you feel.  Everyone in real life drains me.  That's all they do is wring me out like a rag and move on.  I'm so sick of it.

I know. We gotta break out of this cycle of spending so much time with them and get meeting with other people I think 🤔

Goodnight family ❤️

Edited by Nightjar
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6 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I could have done with a rest day today but I met a family member. Not the best choice considering I only ever give to them, never receive.. I just felt more depleted after the visit 🙄

yeah, you feel like you have to because their family i get that, somehow we need to learn to just say no and do what's good for us

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Wondering if anyone else here had their problems "solved" in a dream, only to wake up and face ugly reality... it's got to be one of the worst letdowns.

I dreamed that I got out of the rat race and found a ranch in the country to move to and escape this existence. It all seemed so realistic, too, including putting in an offer and dealing with the real estate company. Just another reminder to ask myself if I'm dreaming if something seems too good to be true.

Edited by anon22ae
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