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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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5 hours ago, duck said:

Oh no!   I hope you feel better soon.  Maybe call a nurse ?   In my city we can call a nurse and speak to them.  

Currently going through tests to figure out whats goin on, its just nerve wracking 

 

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Not a great sleep again last night..I used to sleep well no matter what but my house with the magic walls (nothing there) has really messed me up. 

Still sleeping at mom's. Still in the process of selling my house and fretting about what to do next. Not sure whether to buy again or risk the big, big wrath of family and go into rented... If I went into rented I could free up money for therapy, treatment and courses to further myself. All of that has been completely lacking since I've had a house. I have had no life or money since I've been a home owner. It just seems like I've got it all wrong. I've not even been able to buy myself decent clothes. I always used to look good and now I wear the same clothes for years. 

Edited by Nightjar
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I managed a shower then I went to Walmart.  They did not have the cooked food I wanted so I ended up going to Burger King. I am not happy with my lack of motivation.

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4 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Not sure whether to buy again or risk the big, big wrath of family and go into rented... If I went into rented I could free up money for therapy, treatment and courses to further myself. All of that has been completely lacking since I've had a house. I have had no life or money since I've been a home owner.

Why are they so against you renting? Around here, rents are high enough that buying made financial sense. Of course, a house is usually a good investment... but investing in your own well-being is important too!

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4 hours ago, duck said:

I am not happy with my lack of motivation.

Been there and catch my self there all the time .... Motivation is hard to come by sometimes. Hope BK was at least good. I hope it gets better Duck . Has to

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4 hours ago, Nightjar said:

It just seems like I've got it all wrong. I've not even been able to buy myself decent clothes. I always used to look good and now I wear the same clothes for years

Nightjar ... you got it not all wrong. I pay on my house as well. It is actually cheaper then renting. However I have not bought new stuff for myself either. Not clothes or furniture. Not because I do not work enough. But life screwed me all over by one persons choice. Now I pick up the rubble and figure it out. But I for sure not opt in for renting if I have a choice. Hopefully you can figure something out to get restful sleep and a peaceful environment and life. I know how important that is for sanity. If you find that I am pretty sure you can find room for personal development and money for clothes etc. Just a matter of time and luck/destiny. You need that guardian angel close by ! ... it is there ...I am pretty sure

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I am generally miserable on Sundays to begin with but today I have a family thing where I have the double whammy of having to pretend I care about the stupid football game and also having to be quiet about things because my views don’t align with others. At least there will be food from one of my favorite restaurants though.

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49 minutes ago, monicott17 said:

having to pretend I care about the stupid football game

I know what you are saying.... and I feel bad for you. I dealt with that for too many years. Being fake is not my thing. Keep my mouth and mind shut neither. But Hey ! favorite food right there. Eat up and at least enjoy that part 😉 And look forward to the next day, which is Monday - new week new chances, new game, new views.

That is how I live anymore. 

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Apathetic towards living my life. Any sort of slip up makes me feel like I’m so tired of myself. In bed day 2, need to shower but eh too much work. Should eat more than a couple handful of nuts for dinner at 1030PM and breakfast at 1PM. I feel bad for my husband. He’s so sweet n tries to take care of me. I wish I would respond as much as I’m sure he’d want me to

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On 9/18/2021 at 10:34 AM, monicott17 said:

Thanks. This board is by far the least judgemental and most welcoming one of all the places I post at. Currently sitting here debating whether or not to reply on different board I post on right now because some there are super harsh and judgmental of others and a recent post of mine was basically dismissed and mocked by someone when all I did was merely give a different opinion. I should reply and defend myself because I have every right to have thoughts of my own but I just don’t know if it is worth it and to be honest, it is causing me to be a bit anxious right now. Gonna go out for a bit soon and try to forget about it.

I hear ya. I've "trained" myself to not react to the negative posts that serve only to denigrate the original poster. Some people exist to put others down. Not worth our energy.

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23 hours ago, bellerose said:

Feeling awful. I hate myself. I can’t trust whether my thoughts are logical or irrational. I can’t tell if the decisions I make are being based on real life or my anxieties.  I come off as a jerk or maybe stupid. Or just a person who doesn’t care about other peoples problems. 
 

I don’t like to talk out my feelings with anyone other than my psych docs. I hate feeling like a burden to people in my personal life. But I know they don’t find it a burden. I 99% of the time feel better afterwards. Still can’t bring myself to believe I’m not a burden when I should be asking for support. 

Thanks for writing this. Saved me the trouble of all that typing. It expresses my existence quite well.

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18 hours ago, bellerose said:

I’m frozen and wanna scream until my chest bursts. I can’t stand me

How are you doing today?

On edit: Duh...I merely had to read your latest post.

Edited by JD4010
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40 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

How are you doing today?

On edit: Duh...I merely had to read your latest post.

Well, I’m back again today anyways so I’ll update  

it’s going a little better. Like for a few minutes at a time I find myself not feeling shitty. But then something pops up in my brain, my heart starts racing, n I get thrown into those frustrating negative loops. Sometimes I notice I’m doing better, n the negative thought see that as an invitation. Sometimes there’s no thoughts that initiate it. It just happens when my brain isn’t distracted enough. I’d like to skip to next week, when this bout has passed. 

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20 hours ago, juno_writes said:

Why are they so against you renting? Around here, rents are high enough that buying made financial sense. Of course, a house is usually a good investment... but investing in your own well-being is important too!

My mother helped me buy a house so it's kinda like she owns me now. She wouldn't want to see that money spent on anything other than another house whereas I'm scraping by year after year. I can't even afford to go to the gym. 

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20 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Been there and catch my self there all the time .... Motivation is hard to come by sometimes. Hope BK was at least good. I hope it gets better Duck . Has to

Thank you Sventec! 

I slept all day Sunday but I tried not to get angry with myself.    When I finally got up I was able to do some chores.   I then took out the garbage and went for a drive.  Bought McDonald's burger.  Not healthy but I was able to relax.  

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20 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Nightjar ... you got it not all wrong. I pay on my house as well. It is actually cheaper then renting. However I have not bought new stuff for myself either. Not clothes or furniture. Not because I do not work enough. But life screwed me all over by one persons choice. Now I pick up the rubble and figure it out. But I for sure not opt in for renting if I have a choice. Hopefully you can figure something out to get restful sleep and a peaceful environment and life. I know how important that is for sanity. If you find that I am pretty sure you can find room for personal development and money for clothes etc. Just a matter of time and luck/destiny. You need that guardian angel close by ! ... it is there ...I am pretty sure

Ah, that's a nice thought about the angel. Do you believe in them? 

I think I agree with you on the whole. It is cheaper to buy than rent. It's just that I have no money coming in and I'm pretty sick of being unable to do anything...

It's been 12 years of having nothing. Narc mom has been covering my bills and giving me a tiny allowance. This has saved me the stress of working but left me with zero opportunities for growth or leisure activities....I can't even afford to go to the gym.

She sucked me into this arrangement when I was going through a bad patch and I've been stuck in it ever since 😬 If I had savings or decent money coming in maybe I could rent while I searched for another place but I have very little cash and I'm stuck at my mom's. 

I'm in a gilded cage and being financially controlled.  People on the outside would say I have it made but they can't see that I have no choices or control over my own life. 

Edited by Nightjar
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On 9/19/2021 at 2:10 AM, Nightjar said:

Not a great sleep again last night..I used to sleep well no matter what but my house with the magic walls (nothing there) has really messed me up. 

Still sleeping at mom's. Still in the process of selling my house and fretting about what to do next. Not sure whether to buy again or risk the big, big wrath of family and go into rented... If I went into rented I could free up money for therapy, treatment and courses to further myself. All of that has been completely lacking since I've had a house. I have had no life or money since I've been a home owner. It just seems like I've got it all wrong. I've not even been able to buy myself decent clothes. I always used to look good and now I wear the same clothes for years. 

I currently prefer renting now because house prices are so high.  Finding a quiet place could be a challenge.  

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13 hours ago, bellerose said:

Apathetic towards living my life. Any sort of slip up makes me feel like I’m so tired of myself. In bed day 2, need to shower but eh too much work. Should eat more than a couple handful of nuts for dinner at 1030PM and breakfast at 1PM. I feel bad for my husband. He’s so sweet n tries to take care of me. I wish I would respond as much as I’m sure he’d want me to

Oh Bellerose!  I have been there so many times.  I go without a shower for three to four days and then I have breakfast at 10 pm.  It's not good but we have to be patient with ourselves.  Love ourselves.  

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