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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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Feeling like my life is out of control. I'm sick of everything and everyone. I need to hurt people like they hurt me, to make them feel the pain and despair they cause others. I don't want to be like this but a lifetime of misery takes its toll. It never works out. Whatever I do always ends up hurting me in the end. I'm the bad guy. I hate me. 

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Well I'll be back in a week.  These workers start at sunrise.  I bet the neighbors will love them putting on a roof this early.🤔

Ok sober, we'll miss you. I hope it all goes well and you enjoy your break 🤗

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I feel pretty mad about how clueless the medical field is on this illness, and how if you are lucky enough and are able to find a medication to work it's great, but if you aren't you are basically on your own, trying to survive the best you can.

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Underlying sadness with upset on top. Remind me why I thought staying with the woman who has made my life a misery was a good idea? 

Oh yeah, no other options. 

I go home all day but when I come back she is on my back pick, picking away... 'Where have you been?' 'I haven't seen you all day'... No mom, the frequent texts and calls you make throughout the day do nothing to quench your desire to control me do they? Do this, eat that, wash yourself this way...Stay here all day... Etc etc. 

Christ, I may be willing to give up pretty much everything to avoid staying with this woman. I fear she will drive me over the edge. I am still so tired after 2 months of really poor sleep and anxiety. That house is criminal to have walls so thin. And she is a criminal too. She is on my mind all day long.. .I am constantly thinking of how to avoid her wrath and constant need for attention. 

.... If I had ever dabbled in hard drugs I would be hitting them right now. 

Edited by Nightjar
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11 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

I feel pretty mad about how clueless the medical field is on this illness, and how if you are lucky enough and are able to find a medication to work it's great, but if you aren't you are basically on your own, trying to survive the best you can.

yeah it does seem like most psych docs just want to talk for 10 minutes push a med and collect a payment, i always had to advocate for myself and tell them what expected from them, therapists i found to be more caring

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5 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Underlying sadness with upset on top. Remind me why I thought staying with the woman who has made my life a misery was a good idea? 

Oh yeah, no other options. 

I go home all day but when I come back she is on my back pick, picking away... 'Where have you been?' 'I haven't seen you all day'... No mom, the frequent texts and calls you make throughout the day do nothing to quench your desire to control me do they? Do this, eat that, wash yourself this way...Stay here all day... Etc etc. 

Christ, I may be willing to give up pretty much everything to avoid staying with this woman. I fear she will drive me over the edge. I am still so tired after 2 months of really poor sleep and anxiety. That house is criminal to have walls so thin. And she is a criminal too. She is on my mind all day long.. .I am constantly thinking of how to avoid her wrath and constant need for attention. 

.... If I had ever dabbled in hard drugs I would be hitting them right now. 

My sisters are exactly like her.  I am not that religious but I will pray for you.  :hugs:

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14 hours ago, sober4life said:

Well I'll be back in a week.  These workers start at sunrise.  I bet the neighbors will love them putting on a roof this early.🤔

A whole week?  We will miss you for sure!   You neighbors will be jumping up and down to the noise.😀

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Alright, my exam passed after revision :).

Sometimes I say to myself: it's bad when your happiness depends on a single thing, it's the teaching of the "eggs on the same basket". I feel like this since years, it is like... my happiness only comes through that, since I don't expect anything from people, they just left me down so many times that my expectations are almost 0 on them. That could look like a fragile approach to life, maybe it is actually, to be sustained only for one pilar.

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9 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Underlying sadness with upset on top. Remind me why I thought staying with the woman who has made my life a misery was a good idea? 

Oh yeah, no other options. 

I go home all day but when I come back she is on my back pick, picking away... 'Where have you been?' 'I haven't seen you all day'... No mom, the frequent texts and calls you make throughout the day do nothing to quench your desire to control me do they? Do this, eat that, wash yourself this way...Stay here all day... Etc etc. 

Christ, I may be willing to give up pretty much everything to avoid staying with this woman. I fear she will drive me over the edge. I am still so tired after 2 months of really poor sleep and anxiety. That house is criminal to have walls so thin. And she is a criminal too. She is on my mind all day long.. .I am constantly thinking of how to avoid her wrath and constant need for attention. 

.... If I had ever dabbled in hard drugs I would be hitting them right now. 

 Hey Jar, hi. Please, find a way to get away from that situation. I do had a similar feeling for my mom some years ago, and it's an unbearable situation. Can you in the mid-term find a place to live or sort of? I know it's very hard to let go persons that we, in the deep of our soul, care for. But sometimes... we can't do anything for them, and we have to be our own parents, you know. Which means, we have to take care of ourselves, because no-one else will.

I hope your situation gets better. Loud love.

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On 9/17/2021 at 6:32 AM, sober4life said:

Well I'll be back in a week.  These workers start at sunrise.  I bet the neighbors will love them putting on a roof this early.🤔

Good luck! I hope it isn't too disruptive. I had my roof replaced last year and still appreciate that feeling of security, after months of stressing every time it rained. Now we can just feel cozy. 

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On 9/17/2021 at 8:45 AM, ladysmurf said:

I feel pretty mad about how clueless the medical field is on this illness, and how if you are lucky enough and are able to find a medication to work it's great, but if you aren't you are basically on your own, trying to survive the best you can.

That is the truth. There's soooo much emphasis on "Just reach out for help!" To make a long story short, I have, and there was none. It's a lonely feeling. I'm sorry you're feeling left behind too. 💛

I'm going to keep trying, because I know the alternative. It would just be a little easier without all the "If only they'd reached out" commentary every time someone well known has a mental health crisis, since it makes me feel more defective. I've actually gotten more help from peer groups than the pros, and think we'd all be healthier if we could talk about mental health as part of all our lives rather than something best left to the experts.

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Yesterday was 7 hours of driving my significant other to appointments (between taking emergency calls about my dad). No thanks from SO, just low-level irritation, because he thinks he can drive and I'm not convinced it's safe this soon after a brain injury.

Tried to get answers from doctors, and finally one basically said, "You want him to take a driving test, here's the order" without explaining that it's hundreds of dollars and multiple sessions over several weeks. So now I'm the bad guy. Whatever. I'll probably end up paying for the dumb thing too, just to hear less about it.

I keep trying to do the right thing and it keeps feeling like crap. What else can you do. 

Edited by juno_writes
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On 9/14/2021 at 6:53 PM, Svenetc said:

Hey monicott ... I can read and sense the tense and awful situation you must be in. All I can say I feel bad for you.  You need an " outlet" .... maybe you can find a person on here or off here to talk to. Seems like that is what you need in the worse way. I assume many here are able to listen and be there. Talk to one .... talk to me ... I am open and non- judgmental or else. I am just here. Got my own stuff to deal with but that seems minor. But I always care for others too.... 

Thanks so much! Just reading this makes me feel some hope. My weekly sessions with my therapist and posting here and elsewhere are getting me through at the moment.

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On 9/16/2021 at 5:09 PM, JD4010 said:

I definitely know how that is. I hope you keep dropping in here to hang out with the gang. We've got each other's backs.

 

Thanks. This board is by far the least judgemental and most welcoming one of all the places I post at. Currently sitting here debating whether or not to reply on different board I post on right now because some there are super harsh and judgmental of others and a recent post of mine was basically dismissed and mocked by someone when all I did was merely give a different opinion. I should reply and defend myself because I have every right to have thoughts of my own but I just don’t know if it is worth it and to be honest, it is causing me to be a bit anxious right now. Gonna go out for a bit soon and try to forget about it.

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13 hours ago, nothing_man said:

 Hey Jar, hi. Please, find a way to get away from that situation. I do had a similar feeling for my mom some years ago, and it's an unbearable situation. Can you in the mid-term find a place to live or sort of? I know it's very hard to let go persons that we, in the deep of our soul, care for. But sometimes... we can't do anything for them, and we have to be our own parents, you know. Which means, we have to take care of ourselves, because no-one else will.

I hope your situation gets better. Loud love.

Thankyou nothingman. I'm doing my best to get distance from my boundary destroying mom but I've needed a bed for the night lately and staying at hers has been pretty much my only option. 

Things are better today. I forgot my rules when I was going through it with insomnia and I shared some upset.. I can't ever go there with her. I got a short sharp reminder. 

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36 minutes ago, surfcaster said:

having a hard time breathing again, feeling fatigued and the heart palpitations are worse again, doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for it. feels like i'm gonna croak

Oh no!   I hope you feel better soon.  Maybe call a nurse ?   In my city we can call a nurse and speak to them.  

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15 hours ago, nothing_man said:

Alright, my exam passed after revision :).

Sometimes I say to myself: it's bad when your happiness depends on a single thing, it's the teaching of the "eggs on the same basket". I feel like this since years, it is like... my happiness only comes through that, since I don't expect anything from people, they just left me down so many times that my expectations are almost 0 on them. That could look like a fragile approach to life, maybe it is actually, to be sustained only for one pilar.

I am happy you passed your exam 😀

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Feeling awful. I hate myself. I can’t trust whether my thoughts are logical or irrational. I can’t tell if the decisions I make are being based on real life or my anxieties.  I come off as a jerk or maybe stupid. Or just a person who doesn’t care about other peoples problems. 
 

I don’t like to talk out my feelings with anyone other than my psych docs. I hate feeling like a burden to people in my personal life. But I know they don’t find it a burden. I 99% of the time feel better afterwards. Still can’t bring myself to believe I’m not a burden when I should be asking for support. 

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4 minutes ago, bellerose said:

Feeling awful. I hate myself. I can’t trust whether my thoughts are logical or irrational. I can’t tell if the decisions I make are being based on real life or my anxieties.  I come off as a jerk or maybe stupid. Or just a person who doesn’t care about other peoples problems. 
 

I don’t like to talk out my feelings with anyone other than my psych docs. I hate feeling like a burden to people in my personal life. But I know they don’t find it a burden. I 99% of the time feel better afterwards. Still can’t bring myself to believe I’m not a burden when I should be asking for support. 

Hi bellerose, I totally understand you.

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1 minute ago, cherryapplez2020 said:

Hey

am doing good more med changes 

in a lot of pain useing cbd oil and it helps go back to the doctor on the 7th and hopefully she can help figure out why am hurting 

Hi cherry, I've been with back pain for the last 7 days, feeling better now. I think it had to be with anxiety/stress. What I mean is... some body-hurts are due only because of that. I hope you feel better soon.

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