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How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Devlinkyla said:

Today am angry at the world yet agin nothing new just saying 

I'm in the same mood. Today a small talk with my mother and brother triggered some bad memories. I just remembered that I've been abandoned 5 times, by the "most loved" persons. Father left me before I got 1 year old; then mother got engaged with a ****ing patriarch at 7, left me aside (not just that, I had to live with them, yeah, feeling alone surrounded by people, trying to runaway); grandma dumped me at 20 from his house cause she didnt like that I was trying to be successful in an entrepreunership that brought 1 or 2 people per day at the house for moments; my father left me again, I reached him after almost 15 years w/o notice of him, he opened his doors house, but I found later that just by compromise, once I stoped going his house, he never reached again; I got married later, which was supposed to be my wife for my whole life, dumped again, well that relationship didn't have future, still dumped. How can I do to be or fake to be happy with people surrounding me? I feel I don't have family, my mother is trying to re-compose the shit she did when I was young, and I just don't want to know about her. **** everything, how hard is life for some people. Wipe every memory, isolate and start from 0, if possible, accept your darkness, that's what they made of you.

Edited by nothing_man

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Posted (edited)

I can't relax. I can't stop the thoughts. I can't stop this f ucked up brain faster than the speed of light, all these f ucking thoughts, sensations, feelings and the emptiness beyond all of it, the void sucking in the realization that everything I do is pointless, the world is pointless and there is no true order in anything we are inventing order or the illusion of it as everything is actually haphazard chance nothing exists not really even our pain that causes us to k ill ourselves or whatever The world is f ucked not that it matters nothing does neither does my death or life Existence is unbarable and walking in my shoes..there is no point in continuing being the loser I am I hate myself I hate humanity for its crassness its people its customs and beliefs stopping us from even giving a thought that perhaps we are wrong about absolutely everything out morals our love our hate our despair acts of pointless kindness That the universe is a void and our conciousness is but an illusion like everything else and nothing has any value whatsoever NOTHING and only we can give meaning to anything and those who can't just k ill themselves like good boys and girls and give room to people who actually want to live despite the illusion of existence.

 

Oh well. Back to brewing  coffee and making an omelette.

Edited by samadhiSheol

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me either i feel like i can't relax. i am trying to be pretend and be calm around my family and pretend im okay, but i dont know for how much longer i will be able to do so.

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Yeah I see the strongest members of my family cracking under the pressure of everything.  It's a nighmare!  The government is in survival mode and they will think like the disease of addiction in my head.  Keep going it doesn't matter if we lose fingers or toes.  In the end the government will make sure it exists but many of us will not make it.

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Meh. Woke up this morning with the worst migraine of my entire life and I almost threw up but then the nausea went away. I also have been having cramps, but I feel OK at the moment. I'm worried about the migraines, because I've had more in the last year than ever whole life. I remember my mom used to get them all the time when we were in CT. And I just asked my sister who said she used to get them once or twice a week for a while, until they suddenly stopped. I wonder how that works. I'l have to investigate. 

Oh, and my husband finally got all the way through the application process on the Florida unemployment benefits site. I think it's no coincidence that the site works now after one of our senators suggested the director of the site resign for messing everything up. Now we'll just have to see how everything plays out. 

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Posted (edited)

Have depression paralysis this evening. It's been a while since I've had this. It's not so bad I suppose. It's kinda like, oh shall I......? Should I...... ?

Nah, can't. Paralysed. Case closed. 

 

Edited by Nightjar

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On 4/2/2020 at 8:30 PM, Floor2017 said:

You are so hilarious 😂 my friend, fix that tire

I tried to fix it but the tire is rotten and cracked.  It needs a new tire.

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Posted (edited)

Good news am starting to feel better

bad news I feel awful still

hope who ever is reading this is having a wonderful beautiful day!!!

is not so beautiful here kinda cold kinda raining kinda bored in the house in the house bored am in the mood to just talk and talk never get to talk to anyone when I have these days oh more bad news I have no money already 🤣only took 4 days to get this way damn me and liking to spend money 🤔🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤣

Edited by Devlinkyla

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On 4/2/2020 at 2:50 PM, sober4life said:

The stay at home order was extended to May 1st.  I wish someone would shoot me and put me out of my misery.  I have past enemies that I've forgotten about.  Hopefully one of them just takes me out in a moment I don't see coming.

You gotta make a will.  I also need to make mine.

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Posted (edited)

I know that I am labeled as crazy or weird my whole life, but I'm glad that I am not a 'truly sick' person like someone I know. There is a difference. 

Edited by watalife

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I am feeling stable.  I have been working on my income taxes for the past six hours. I take breaks every hour.  I do a bit everyday.  🙂 

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38 minutes ago, duck said:

I am feeling stable.  I have been working on my income taxes for the past six hours. I take breaks every hour.  I do a bit everyday.  🙂 

Good to hear duck 👍

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I just ate a big juicy double cheeseburger with fries and a drink.  I am now ready to go lay down

but there is a big problem with that I work out front at a desk. :smile:

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38 minutes ago, Kogent5 said:

I took a nap and had a really nice dream. If I could have nice dreams every night, I would be able to handle my brother much better.

 

I do understand and hopefully you will begin to start having some pleasant dreams my friend

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20 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

Anxiety is kinda high have something to take for it but I feel guilty for taking it 🤷‍♀️

We shouldn't feel guilty about the things we have to do to get through this month.  We have to do what we have to do to get through these impossible times.  Me I'm going to be satisfied with getting to May 1st in any condition.  Nothing will stop me from getting there!

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