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Lindsay

How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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I wish I can leave the past behind me. I have been having internet issues the whole day sigh. Hit my head and literally pulled out my hair cos been trying to apply jobs online with the internet in my way.

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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On 2/19/2020 at 1:47 AM, Atra said:

I dont know what I'll say if the matter is raised again. I'll see how it goes tomorrow, find my calm and keep it cool. 

What a turn of events. Apparently the therapist who moderates our group wasn't content to let our therapy group end with drama between me and the member who quit so they invited that person to come back to tell their side of things. Which they did. And then we talked it over, worked through it. We both were like, "You felt that way? I didn't understand. I thought something else was going on." That's the gist. 

Me and the other person cared enough about our connection and we both believe in therapy so we sorted through the bad feelings and it led to a deeper understanding of each other. Doing all this in a group setting was freakin awkward at times (think reality show) and I got annoyed at the therapist, annoyed at the people in my group, annoyed at me - and it got very loud at times - but I didn't check out emotionally. Figuring out how I felt and then owning those feelings rather than making other people reaponsible for them. 

Due to administrative reasons this will be the last therapy group - which is sad but at least it was lively. I don't know what will come next. 

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I managed to keep my mind busy yesterday at work. Actually today I'm busy too and the weekend is going to be the same, extra-paid work. Being busy is the only thing preventing me from all those thoughts. Sometimes I don't even want to be busy at all, though, so I sink into myself instead.

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23 hours ago, sober4life said:

I remember the times when I was happier.  I was happier because I had a more naive attitude about life.  I believed there was some good in the world.  I don't believe that anymore and even if there is good in the world evil is in full control so I lose.

everyone is entitled to their opinion. in my personal experience the majority of people who came into my life like 90% of them, just were passing by, but I was lucky I had a few who stayed with me through the good and bad. I think some good people exist out there, it's just hard to find them because you are right the majority of people (including us , we are all bad in someones story)  are just looking for a way to use people until they can, once you start saying "no I can't.." you find out who sticks around is truly a friend...that's been my personal experience..and very few did, with my problems, so I am thankful for that. The majority ran because I was of no use to them anymore..

as far as happiness and life go, I think everyone has a different meaning on that.

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Today is going to be a recovery get myself back on track day.  Out of state family is supposed to come around for some weekend this month and since I feel worse than I have in a long time it will be this weekend.  They sure as hell can't see me like this!

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I was somewhat productive, stressed as hell, though. Need to get back to my meds, I've been too lazy to take them for a few days, to be honest. Still, I managed to be late for work and had to do it remotely. Luckily I have the opportunity.

Edited by emptyman

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Like I am in a soap bubble.

Being able to describe how I feel is important to me. This depressive episode is different from the ones I had before, and it has been bothering me that I have not been able to describe how.  This morning I finally found a description.

Not the beginning of this episode, but for the last few weeks, it is like I am in a soap bubble.  There is this little space that I am in. It is (relatively) peaceful in here, so I would like things to stay locked in place the way they are.  But it is only a soap bubble, so it is definitely going to pop -- not 'if', but 'when'. I am terrified of what will happen when the bubble pops, so I am frozen still trying not to pop it.  Being still is not the right thing to do (because it is the stillness of depression).  Also, it really is not good to be in this bubble -- I am artificially separated from the world (hiding).  

It is a little bit of a relief to realize this.  Unfortunately, it does not seem to help in dealing with it.  <*sigh*>  Maybe (just maybe) it will be a first step.

Sorry for the rant.  Thanks for your patience.

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21 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

JD -- I'm so sorry your days are so . . . dark, and that you are trapped in this life.  Were it not for your character--which is truly honorable--you would have called it quits a long time ago.  But you soldier on for your daughter and responsibilities to your ex-wife.  I respect you and your choices (and I'd respect it, too,  if you decided to take the leap out of this world) and hope that you will find some hope somewhere; something beyond your responsibilities to get you out of bed.  I believe there are little lights here and there in everyone's life, however low or long they burn.  Your cats, your daughter, maybe a walk in the snow . . . ?

Anyway, just wanted to say you have my empathy and hope for you to find a little light . . . somewhere.

WOTL

Thank you. Wow. What a beautiful post.

I live for those little lights...yes, cats and my daughter, plus my collection of books (I'm on a first name basis with the staff at Half Price Books 🙂 ). Walking in the snow is also a treat for me...though I haven't had much time to do it recently.

I really appreciate this message, WOTL. Thank you again.

 

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21 hours ago, Seeker206 said:

I feel worried sick. I just had an interaction with roommates that left me so scared. I'm doing better now, thank God, but I'm not sure what my next steps should be. It was about money. To be fair, they have a right to be upset, because I've been unemployed for a while and no longer able to contribute. I told them I'm trying to get back in school and to move out. But that takes time. I don't know if it will be enough. Even when I get financial aid, paying them back right then may make it impossible for me to pay for a new place. I'm concerned because they didn't seem reasonable. I want to get back in touch with my family, which I was hoping to do anyway, but I'm scared and ashamed to do it from a place of need. I'm just praying everything works out OK. I'm sorry if this is all TMI. I have a bad habit of over-divulging when I'm stressed. If you do prayer, please pray for me. 

Money--or more accurately, the lack of it, is by far the largest source of anxiety for me. I imagine that holds true for any of us who aren't "independently wealthy."

I'd say reconnecting with your family is definitely worth a shot. I've kinda sorta done that myself. Fortunately, they are a forgiving lot.

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46 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

Like I am in a soap bubble.

Being able to describe how I feel is important to me. This depressive episode is different from the ones I had before, and it has been bothering me that I have not been able to describe how.  This morning I finally found a description.

Not the beginning of this episode, but for the last few weeks, it is like I am in a soap bubble.  There is this little space that I am in. It is (relatively) peaceful in here, so I would like things to stay locked in place the way they are.  But it is only a soap bubble, so it is definitely going to pop -- not 'if', but 'when'. I am terrified of what will happen when the bubble pops, so I am frozen still trying not to pop it.  Being still is not the right thing to do (because it is the stillness of depression).  Also, it really is not good to be in this bubble -- I am artificially separated from the world (hiding).  

It is a little bit of a relief to realize this.  Unfortunately, it does not seem to help in dealing with it.  <*sigh*>  Maybe (just maybe) it will be a first step.

Sorry for the rant.  Thanks for your patience.

That's fascinating. And quite familiar. I never could put it into words quite like that. I tend to keep things as static as possible to avoid "popping the bubble" myself. I get it.

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1 hour ago, anxiousE said:

I'm feeling ok that I got up at a better hour today, but stressing about this party and not really at all enthused about doing work today. 😕

I hope you can enjoy the party.  I know with me my thoughts are oh no a party is coming!  I have no idea what it's like to think I can't wait for the party this is going to be great!

Edited by sober4life

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On 2/19/2020 at 1:42 PM, Handon Frypan said:

I feel uneasy and I don't know why. It's very transitive.

Yes.  We are transient beings.  Everything about us changes, except sometimes, the way we think.  This feeling will pass, as will everything, and you'll look at today with greater ease, I am sure.

Thinking of you --

WOTL

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On 2/18/2020 at 5:39 PM, Atra said:

So angry!

Yesterday a former member of my therapy group left me a lengthy, angry voicemail claiming I mischaracterizes a conversation between she and I, which resulted in her decision to drop out of the group. 

I'm angry because someone in group relayed details of what I said in therapy group to this former member, violating confidentiality. 

I'm angry because the former member had no expectation and no right to know what happens in group having made the decision to leave it. 

I'm angry because this former member texted the whole group saying they are dropping out of it, but not why and didn't respond to other members who were very concerned with their health and wellbeing leaving them distraught. 

I'm angry because I wouldn't have shared with the group what happened between us but for the fact that they were all informed of the persons departure but not why and that's all they wanted to talk about in therapy group. And they wanted to know what I knew, closure and so forth. 

I'm angry for being put in a position of knowing why this former member left the group and feeling pressure to share from both inside me and outside. 

I'm angry because I couldn't see any harm in having discussions with a group member outside of group and that blew up in my face. 

I'm angry because I create deep and meaningful relationships with people and I hate untidy endings to them. My therapist and  I both agree that I shouldn't respond to this former member's texts, voicemails, emails - even though I feel compelled.  

And I'm angry because this therapy group is ending for good this week for unrelated reasons and this is a really crappy way for it to go out. 

I'm angry because the last group session is this week and I'm going to have a hard time not releasing these emotions there. And at the same time, not wanting to because we decided to make it a farewell party. And this ridiculous drama does not represent the 4 years I've been with these people in this therapy groups. 

🤬

 I'm so sorry for your loss.  (That's the first time this phrase has made any sense to me in this life.)  Truly.  Your post reminds me of The Four Agreements.  Ever read it?  It's a nice, concise guide to living life in such a way that there's much less emotional pain.  They are: Be impeccable with your word; don't take anything personally; don't make assumptions; and Always Do Your Best. 

Step back and take another look at this situation. Maybe you'll find an easier way to live with it--or maybe not.  I just know these Agreements have made a big difference in my life and how I see myself in it. 

Thinking of you and wishing you peace!

WOTL

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I tried to call my mother after 8 years, feeling sick with anxiety, but the number I had was disconnected. I tried another number to be told it was the wrong one, but I have suspicions about that one -- it was a guy that answered, and he sounded tired and sick. I couldn't place his voice, but I wondered if I'd heard it before. I tried other numbers, but they were all disconnected. Now I don't have words for how I feel. But I have to find out about my older brother, at least to know how he died.

The only number I haven't tried belongs to my other brother, who I'm afraid of calling. He used to be so mean. I have PTSD, and though I've been making progress lately, I'm fragile. The news of my older brother's death was hard enough. I'm still processing it, but it makes me want to reach out to my family all the more...but what if they reject me?

Meanwhile, I have MA programs trying to get a hold of me, taxes to attend to and I can't focus. I just want to talk to someone, but my friends are busy, of course, and we're not close because I haven't kept up my end of things because of my depression and PTSD. I just wish I knew how to break this fall and start climbing out of this hole. 

My life is a mess, and I feel scared and lonely. 

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Frusterated. Once again I have been accused of being a "helicopter parent." This generally happens when I do something for my college age children. Today it was the following - my 18 year old asked me to put some money on his bus pass (he is in school and has no income source). I failed to do so. Therefore, he requested that I pick him up at school, so I did. 

I have always cultivated relationships with my children where they know that they can count on me if they need me. I do not think that this is a bad thing. I do not try to solve their problems without being requested to do so. And even when they do request, I generally only offer advice on how to deal with a difficult situation. Arg!!!

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(Re:  Nyla/PB)

I’m f*cking disgusted, fed up, worn out.  She’s the SIXTH friend I’ve lost since August.  I’m so f*cking sick of it.  It’s just been ceaseless.  I just don’t have f*cking bandwidth for any more of this shit.  I really don’t.

I must admit that Nyla & I talked some through PM.  As of about a week ago, she stopped responding.  I knew exactly what the writing on the wall said.  I saw this coming, as much as I hate to say it.  Once again, though, absolutely nothing I could f*cking do about it.  Same old.  Deja vú all over again.  So f*cking tired of this.

I’m so tired of telling friends that “I just lost another friend”.  I’m sick of it happening, I’m sick of feeling this shit & I’m f*ckin’-A sick of talking about it.  I have no more bandwidth for this shit.

I’m sure this will come across as cold, unfeeling & angry, but frankly, that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.  Is what it is.  Maybe when I’ve had a little time for this to sink in I’ll be able to make a post that’s a little more like me.

Adam

(p.s. - Forgot to mention that my uncle died last month too.  So yeah, that one too.  Never-ending.)

Edited by adamrparr

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I’ll be honest for a minute I think I need to quit came here on df I have been holding all the pain from stuff that happened since November so long I can’t handle anymore bad news am also scard am going to lose my sister 😭am trying so hard not to cry oh and also the friend that has cancer on top of it all that be five people since December 23 **** I care about you all so much I don’t even think people on here really understand that but I could be wrong I am know to be wrong all the time but that’s just how am feeling 😒🤷‍♀️😭

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44 minutes ago, Devlinkyla said:

I’ll be honest for a minute I think I need to quit came here on df I have been holding all the pain from stuff that happened since November so long I can’t handle anymore bad news am also scard am going to lose my sister 😭am trying so hard not to cry oh and also the friend that has cancer on top of it all that be five people since December 23 **** I care about you all so much I don’t even think people on here really understand that but I could be wrong I am know to be wrong all the time but that’s just how am feeling 😒🤷‍♀️😭

I know how you feel.  I very much feel like I can't do this anymore.  I love everyone here but it's very painful being here sometimes.

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Not, so good I’m at the ER with my adoptive daughter for her mental illness and now she got to go and get some treatments.  It has been a all day thing and I’m tired. 

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