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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop.  Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory.  Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats.

I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd  BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too.  And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes."  God!  Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters.  At least mine was to one of my sisters and me.  I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally.  I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?"  I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year.  Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time.  I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it.  At any rate,  In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.

 

 

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On 9/11/2021 at 1:32 PM, JD4010 said:

Bookstores are a kind of Nirvana for me. Fortunately my daughter works in one. In fact. she's done working there in two hours and I have to pick her up. I'll get there early so I can browse for a bit.

Books are our father/daughter hobby. We took a road trip earlier in the week to visit bookstores in another part of the state.

I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop.  Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory.  Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats.

I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd  BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too.  And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes."  God!  Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters.  At least mine was to one of my sisters and me.  I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally.  I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?"  I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year.  Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time.  I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it.  At any rate,  In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.

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7 hours ago, Charlee said:

Thanks nightjar ❤️

I couldnt make the decision, it feels to big and scary, and I dont know what will happen I don't know if it will help. I told my friend how badly ive been doing and she's called a few times to check on me so thats been nice. Last week I took 20 lorazepam (not at once!) but over a few days.. I sort of almost OD'd but not really. I wasnt trying to, I just wanted to escape me head and my thoughts for a few moments. I have this work application I need to put in and im telling myself once ive put it in ill call the hospital and say I think im a danger to myself so they can take the reigns for a bit.. life is too overwhelming, im not sure if I want to die I dont think I do, im just sad and helpless and scared and I dont know what sort of help I need but know I need it but I cant give it to myself. I can't do it anymore. Ive thought of going home for a bit but my city is currently in lockdown and my mum lives in another city so I cant travel atm.

So, another dreary day. I didnt sleep much last night and I keep having nightmares that I cant wake up from and when I do I fall back asleep into them.. they're pretty intense and scary and way to messed up and triggering to describe on here. Im a helpless mess. 

Also, congrats on selling your house! I hope staying with your mum isnt too dreadful.. 🙂

Thanks Charlie. It sounds like you're really going through it at the moment. I think it's pretty impossible for me to say what the psych ward would be like for you.... I'm guessing they are all different and constantly changing patients 🤷‍♀️ It's been 20 years since I've been in so I'm even less likely to know what it's like... From my experience the positives were the fellow patients I bonded with in there and the negatives were the compulsory medication and noise. I can't say I felt the doctors did much that seemed to help me but that was me and my situation. Everyone is different. 

If you do go in, keep in touch and best of luck with that job application 🍀

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Very stressed. Narc mom is, of course, driving me insane. If ever there was a time in my life where I needed medication again, this would be it. 

I should get a break very soon, thank god, as she will be in hospital. That sounds harsh but it's always been a holiday for me when she's in there coz she can't harrass me 😬

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10 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Thanks Charlie. It sounds like you're really going through it at the moment. I think it's pretty impossible for me to say what the psych ward would be like for you.... I'm guessing they are all different and constantly changing patients 🤷‍♀️ It's been 20 years since I've been in so I'm even less likely to know what it's like... From my experience the positives were the fellow patients I bonded with in there and the negatives were the compulsory medication and noise. I can't say I felt the doctors did much that seemed to help me but that was me and my situation. Everyone is different. 

If you do go in, keep in touch and best of luck with that job application 🍀

I’m getting mixed opinions from others about it as well, I’d hope psychiatry would be better from 20 years ago but I know science moves slowly and psych even slower! If I do I’ll update, though I think I’m to scared to do it cuz I don’t know what will happen and my view of a psych ward is from of the 60s from that movie with Angelina Jolie and .. (can’t remember the name of the film or the main actress) 

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I didn’t get much sleep again, tossing and turning all night and then awake from 4am (7.30am now). But at least I didn’t have a nightmare. A community mental health worker is meant to be calling me later but I’m not sure how helpful she’ll be, and it’s kind of awkward talking on the phone with all my flatmates around. My friend told me to be brutally honest with her about all I’m feeling but I don’t know her/how qualified she is/what she can do to help/what she’d do with the information/her reaction would be. I’m to scared of the unknown and hurt from the past to trust so I’ll keep holding back and therefore being stuck in this forever swamp of misery 

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11 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

I grew up in a traditional (well, for my generation, that is) household with mom as the bad cop and dad as the good cop.  Dad would take us out every Sunday to our favorite bookstore (!) (there was one downtown, when "downtowns" in the Midwest still existed) where each of us was allowed to choose one book to read that week. The shop had wooden floors and the sound of foot traffic on those floors is such a pleasant memory.  Then he'd take us to Dairy Queen where, even at such a young age, we'd fallen into routines with our favorite ice cream treats.

I have some happy memories of my childhood, but just as many or more anxiety-ridden, angry, "You'd  BETTER NOT not slam that door!" ones, too.  And, when the estrogen tsunami hit me at age 11, mom would say lovely things like "If you didn't eat so much we wouldn't have to buy you new clothes."  God!  Just slam a person at the beginning of profound physical and emotional changes. Sheesh. I think mothers can be particularly cruel to daughters.  At least mine was to one of my sisters and me.  I don't think parents can help but have children they like better than others, though they swear they love you all equally.  I remember saying to my younger brother one afternoon on the city bus home from high school: "Mom has been a lot nicer lately, hasn't she?"  I didn't equate it with her beginning to work outside the home my senior year.  Until then, it seemed like she was trapped in a role unsuited to who she was at the time.  I told her this recently on a walk down memory lane and she seemed sorry for it.  At any rate,  In comparing notes with my siblings over the years, I'm convinced that the five of us each had a different set of parents than the others.

I love book stores too and can spend hours in there just browsing. Books always bring me comfort even though reading them can be overwhelming sometimes too, thinking will I ever finish it?

I also talked with my older sister not long ago about about this and we both had different feelings and memories of the same up-bringing. I was surprised to hear she felt like she was never loved by mum because I never felt that way, but I know her moods and decided my behaviour on them and always tried to please her. I always thought I had a great childhood but I’m seeing now that I’ve carried scares from it into adulthood like we all have and it would be impossible not to 

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On 9/13/2021 at 11:33 AM, JD4010 said:

There's some articles circulating today with a recording of several doctors sitting around discussing plans for "being scarier" to more people to boost people's desire to take the jab. That's called gaslighting, ladies and gentleman. I do NOT trust the medical industry, nor big government. When you combine the two, you have a deadly combo capable of all kinds of nastiness. 

I second this. I had little trust to begin with but this past year and a half has zapped any remaining trust I had. One guy in particular who is on tv all the time is really sleazy and dishonest and has made me question things even more.

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Beyond disgusted with pretty much everyone and everything right now. I don’t love being stuck in my room pretty much all day, every day but at this point it might be my best option. I can’t deal with the nonsense and it is clear to me that no one really cares what I think or wants me to have a different opinion. It is hard to live with people 24-7 who you know deep down are judging your every move. Yet there is no way I can move out on my own right now…for a number of reasons. It is a tough pill to swallow.

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1 hour ago, monicott17 said:

Beyond disgusted with pretty much everyone and everything right now. I don’t love being stuck in my room pretty much all day, every day but at this point it might be my best option

Hey monicott ... I can read and sense the tense and awful situation you must be in. All I can say I feel bad for you.  You need an " outlet" .... maybe you can find a person on here or off here to talk to. Seems like that is what you need in the worse way. I assume many here are able to listen and be there. Talk to one .... talk to me ... I am open and non- judgmental or else. I am just here. Got my own stuff to deal with but that seems minor. But I always care for others too.... 

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3 hours ago, Charlee said:

I love book stores too and can spend hours in there just browsing. Books always bring me comfort even though reading them can be overwhelming sometimes too, thinking will I ever finish it?

I also talked with my older sister not long ago about about this and we both had different feelings and memories of the same up-bringing. I was surprised to hear she felt like she was never loved by mum because I never felt that way, but I know her moods and decided my behaviour on them and always tried to please her. I always thought I had a great childhood but I’m seeing now that I’ve carried scares from it into adulthood like we all have and it would be impossible not to 

Yes, Charlee.  I think we're fortunate to even have had a mother and/or father figure to learn from and observe--all the things we see that were good and things we never want to inflict on another human being.  

Book stores: Yes!  I love them and how the culture of them changed over the course of my life.  Instead of inviting you to get out for fear of your "cheating" by way of reading an entire book and then walking away, they have instead invited us in to browse, take our time, even have some coffee and some time to think.  I fear, however, that bookstores have taken a big hit with the pandemic and may disappear forever.  😟

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On 9/13/2021 at 6:33 PM, Epictetus said:

The dreaded dental procedure I feared has been moved up to tomorrow.  I am sitting here trying to distract myself while I stew in my own anxiety juices.  Laser gum surgery tomorrow and follow up appointments in two weeks and then in a month, another month, six months. 

I need to be on a liquid diet for at least four days.  Am supposed to live on smoothies.  Not having tried smoothies, I bought a Ninja food processor blender and have all the ingredients to make smoothies now. I was expecting to have about a month to learn how to do it but I will have to learn as I go now.  Commercial smoothies have too much sugar.

After all the dental pain I had this year, I am not exactly jumping for joy at the prospect of getting more dental work. 

Hugs to everyone.

I hope your dental procedure went well. I am wishing the best for you.  

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I am exhausted. Doing stuff is making me feel sick 😬 I need complete rest. All I did today was bathe and hoover the car and it was too much for me.... 

I'm just trying to keep on top of things I guess. I'm sitting in the car waiting to walk to the shop and wondering if I'm gonna be ok to do it 😬

If this carries on someone else is gonna have to pack up the house or at least help. Narc mom is still not in hospital so I can't rest there. Tomorrow, I will go to my house and rest all day if she is still around. At least I'm clean now 👀 If she goes in for a couple of weeks I'll have a good chance to recover a bit....

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You're like me.  I feel the same way.  We have both made strong choices in our lives and it's very hard to deal with.  You are moving to a new house.  Let's face it when I decided to get the roof I decided to stay here which is good but it's also going to be very difficult.  Maybe it was my only choice but I like it here and nobody is tough enough to take this place from me.  I will be gone from the 17th to the at least the 24th dealing with this.  I won't have access of any kind for that whole week.

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On 9/14/2021 at 7:04 AM, iWantRope said:

If any DFers manage to not only be currently employed but stay so for more than 3 months, kindly share how you manage to accomplish this. 

I honestly wonder this too, how do people move through life, do their jobs, show up daily and get promotions? Like HOW?!

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9 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I am exhausted. Doing stuff is making me feel sick 😬 I need complete rest. All I did today was bathe and hoover the car and it was too much for me.... 

bathing and hoovering (I call it vacuuming) is an acomplishment! Daily tasks are so hard and packing up your house must feel so overwhelming and that you don't know where to start.. I remember feeling the same way when I was helping mum pack up our family home when she sold it a few years ago. Hopefully itl get easier.. do you have any help from friend or someone other than your mum?

Wishing you rest today ❤️

 

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

Let's face it when I decided to get the roof I decided to stay here which is good but it's also going to be very difficult.  Maybe it was my only choice but I like it here and nobody is tough enough to take this place from me.  I will be gone from the 17th to the at least the 24th dealing with this.  I won't have access of any kind for that whole week.

Strong-ass woman making big decisions and standing up for what you need (is what I think you are) is what I aspire to be. Good luck I hope it goes smoothly ❤️

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I'm not ok and im tired of pretending. I'm so tired of this life, I wish I could just say goodbye for good but I wont because I still have hope that there's somehow something out there that will help me feel better. I can't face anything, I can't talk about anything. I dont think i'll ever be able to so i'll have to figure out how to move forward by extinguishing my past. Anyone know of a memory wiping drug out there? If there was one that existed that I could use I would gladly take it.

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