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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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20 hours ago, roadking02 said:

 

...I guess I'm very lucky because now I finally am with Christine. Finally after years of waiting I finally can call her my girlfriend although both of us want to keep things low key for now. I haven't told my parents or any of my family. Certainly haven't told Ryan about it although he keeps pushing for me to spill the beans.

Steps to get a girlfriend?
1. 1967 BSA Royal Star Motorcycle
2. Fancy dress shirt
3. Cologne

It feels strange to say that now I can move away from my past. Be with someone new who while does know my music background doesn't judge me for it and also doesn't judge me although I always thought deep down that I never had a chance with Christine. For now we'll see where it goes 🙂

Whoa! This is the best thing I've read in a long time! Attaboy, Roadking!

I'm wishing you and Christine the very best.

Maybe I should trade my Kia for a BSA motorpickle.

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On 8/6/2021 at 6:19 AM, Bbqdad said:

Trade your Soul for a 1993 Ford F250 Extended Cab 4x4 pickup truck. That’s what I got!

I ran out of gas money. So I let a homeless girl room with me for gasoline. She could talk anyone into putting their card into OUR gas pump and filling up two tanks. I loved her until she stole my truck.

"Give me 40 acres and I'll turn this rig around." Haha. I had several pickups over the years, back when I was still farming.

She stole your truck?? Did you ever get it back?

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I miss my old truck.  It was my first vehichle.  It was a red ford truck from the 70s.  I always laughed when Biff from Back to the Future said only I can start my car.  That was that truck only I could start it.  There were holes in the floor and you could see the road underneath when you were driving it.  Mom always worried about snakes getting in even when we were driving.

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9 hours ago, Shijima said:

I'm one of those type of people who would do that for someone, just how I was raised then what I want to do anyway. Though people I tried to help over time or be kind too ended up hurting me in someway. Even though thats all I know and still happens to me today. I'm still going be a very kind, caring, supportive and loyal person in one's who need it.

Just maybe I'm not lucky I suppose,  it would be nice though to have support other than my family and help team. I can only dream for now.

I wish things get better for you!

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6 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I dislike summer intensely. To me it means sweat, bugs, and garbage that rots quickly. Everyone else is out there enjoying picnics and all that, while I'm inside trying to stay as close to the rattly old window AC unit as possible.

I'm at complete odds on an "important current issue" with the rest of my family as well. My daughter thinks I'm batsh!t crazy as a result. Well, she thought that before too...but my stance certainly reinforces her view in this case.

Yes, summer is the pits without AC. Ratty is better than nothing.

Another heat wave is forecast here to ramp up by mid-week and deliver near 100 degrees through the weekend. Wonderful.

I'll have to go with global warming as my guess on that issue. Then again, I guess just about everything has two sides nowadays, even if there's really only one side.

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10 hours ago, JD4010 said:

"Give me 40 acres and I'll turn this rig around." Haha. I had several pickups over the years, back when I was still farming.

She stole your truck?? Did you ever get it back?

@jd4010

I was having a psychosis livid dream. We went to the doctor and I went in. I asked for some meds. When I came Out my truck and the girl was gone. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I called the cops and told them about the truck.

they found it 3 weeks later with a blown clutch downtown Anchorage.

i got it back and fixed her back up with some friends. It was trashed on the inside.trash, clothes, needle and a bag of white powder. The girl was gone.

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10 hours ago, sober4life said:

I miss my old truck.  It was my first vehichle.  It was a red ford truck from the 70s.  I always laughed when Biff from Back to the Future said only I can start my car.  That was that truck only I could start it.  There were holes in the floor and you could see the road underneath when you were driving it.  Mom always worried about snakes getting in even when we were driving.

My first was a 70’ s blue ford farm truck. It also had holes in the floor. Water would splash up when it rained.

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11 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Whoa! This is the best thing I've read in a long time! Attaboy, Roadking!

I'm wishing you and Christine the very best.

Maybe I should trade my Kia for a BSA motorpickle.

@JD4010

you don’t need a motorpickle. Girls like farm boys with tractors. Go John Deere.

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I have a John Deere lawnmower.  It's kind of a tractor.  I remember making the 4 mile trip trying to carry about 4 cases of beer and steer at the same time.  Everyone was talking about me so they must have really liked me.🤔

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slightly better, but i wish this withdrawal would end faster, im not happy about the nausea and other side effects, they can get scary.  i hope you guys are doing well.. sorry if i dont reply right away, but im so tired from the side effects, it takes a long of energy to even type on the forum

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11 hours ago, APFSDS said:

I wish things get better for you!

We shall see I suppose nothing really ever got better for me with finding good types of people all my life, I feel they don't  exist for me since I always get hurt by people. ( Always ) So if you have other support then your very lucky and please cherish them dearly as well respectfully. I feel I'm not meant to have any and only help others from a far and get nothing in return. Apologies about sounding depressive it's just any more heart breaks from disappointment from people won't be good for me. If it happens, it happens and if nothing then  I accept it. I trust animals more than people anyway and nature.

---

I currently feel calm, quiet and blank minded in a good way. Totally relaxed and content right now.

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I'm becoming extremely fearful again. Because I can't get any feedback, there is no reality check. I can't confirm things, due to layers upon layers of fear and shame... and I get really ****ing afraid to the point of exploding with fury.
I went to an outing today and everybody seemed to get along and I felt an outcast. Made me feel even worse. My friend didn't come, because it seems I've hurt him emotionally.

I'm going to a non-crazy people "outing" for a week. And now I started to become intensely ashamed of my wounds. Life is a fukk.

 

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As some may know I’ve been in manic mode for a week. Last Friday I went to doctors for lab work and make an appointment. But couldn’t see the doctor. Today I went and camped out in their lobby on standby. The first patient did not come in so I got to finally see the doc. She upped my meds since I am in an elevated mood.

we shall see if the meds make a difference or not.

right now though I feel happy being manic. I’m productive, confident, creative and have energy.


What I worry about is if it keeps escalating into psychosis. That is my doctors concern as well.

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45 minutes ago, APFSDS said:

I'm becoming extremely fearful again. Because I can't get any feedback, there is no reality check. I can't confirm things, due to layers upon layers of fear and shame... and I get really ****ing afraid to the point of exploding with fury.
I went to an outing today and everybody seemed to get along and I felt an outcast. Made me feel even worse. My friend didn't come, because it seems I've hurt him emotionally.

I'm going to a non-crazy people "outing" for a week. And now I started to become intensely ashamed of my wounds. Life is a fukk.

 

First I want to say that your very brave of you getting out of your comfort zone and attend such an event. Or at least if you like going out a lot with a friends just getting out there more is a good thing since I don't know your full situation and about your life. Secondly your "friend" should of came with you to the event. If he spoken to you before hand you hurt him emotionally somehow friends talk things out. Thats what REAL friendships do. Sometimes you and your friend(s) get into arguments or don't see eye to eye even not share there true feelings with you fully and one or both of you are hurt.

Communication IS key to ANY relationship you have in your life that and trust. I'm sorry you felt like an outcast even being there alone I have felt like that many times during periods of my life so far. Maybe try and talk to your friend more see on why he feels like that towards you or perhaps give them space. Personally I'd want them to tell me why you didn't show and why are you mad at me. Friends talks things out or at least he can respect you and say I need some space or something and sorry for not showing

I hope you feel better soon.

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On 8/8/2021 at 11:23 PM, anon22ae said:

True, though there must be a compromise. Self-sufficiency is hard, as with that example of making a pencil (you have to grow and harvest the rubber trees, distill and prep the caoutchouc, mold the rubber using the right apparatus and chemicals, smelt and refine the aluminum using the proper process in the kiln, cut down and shape the wood (meaning you might need to construct a saw), refine the graphite, etc.) That's just if you want a pencil -- imagine how complex it gets for other things.

Well I'm heading down the road to becoming the reclusive man outside of town.  I finally found someone to do the metal roof.  I know someone that will put in the generator.  Now if I can just see the man just once I will be able to make a replica suit of him and things will finally fall into place.😏

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2 hours ago, Bbqdad said:

As some may know I’ve been in manic mode for a week. Last Friday I went to doctors for lab work and make an appointment. But couldn’t see the doctor. Today I went and camped out in their lobby on standby. The first patient did not come in so I got to finally see the doc. She upped my meds since I am in an elevated mood.

we shall see if the meds make a difference or not.

right now though I feel happy being manic. I’m productive, confident, creative and have energy.


What I worry about is if it keeps escalating into psychosis. That is my doctors concern as well.

Well the sun affects me big time.  How do you stay stable there?  I don't think I would sleep the whole summer and then I would hibernate like a bear when winter showed up.  Vitamin D by pill and sun lights I'm not even sure they work.

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23 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Well the sun affects me big time.  How do you stay stable there?  I don't think I would sleep the whole summer and then I would hibernate like a bear when winter showed up.  Vitamin D by pill and sun lights I'm not even sure they work.

Yes, the 24 hours of sunlight during the summer do effect me. Sadly, I choose to stay indoors more often than not to counter it. However, this last week I have been at the lake everyday and taking it all in. I'm already manic mode so what is the harm and I should try and enjoy the last month of summer while I can.

I appreciate the rapport. But I feel great cuz the sunshine got rid of my depression as well as the trigger from my Dad's birthday last week.

As for winter I do hibernate except to go to work. If I am manic I go hiking on some trails, but mostly it stay indoors in the long winter.  My apartment has a community room with internet and a computer so while I am feeling productive and will try and jump start my writing career again. lol.

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8 hours ago, Shijima said:

First I want to say that your very brave of you getting out of your comfort zone and attend such an event. Or at least if you like going out a lot with a friends just getting out there more is a good thing since I don't know your full situation and about your life. Secondly your "friend" should of came with you to the event. If he spoken to you before hand you hurt him emotionally somehow friends talk things out. Thats what REAL friendships do. Sometimes you and your friend(s) get into arguments or don't see eye to eye even not share there true feelings with you fully and one or both of you are hurt.

Communication IS key to ANY relationship you have in your life that and trust. I'm sorry you felt like an outcast even being there alone I have felt like that many times during periods of my life so far. Maybe try and talk to your friend more see on why he feels like that towards you or perhaps give them space. Personally I'd want them to tell me why you didn't show and why are you mad at me. Friends talks things out or at least he can respect you and say I need some space or something and sorry for not showing

I hope you feel better soon.

Communication is key. I know exactly what's wrong and so does he. But I've been very sincere and honest, because I just started loathing that people don't talk about problems 7-8 years ago. I turned around my behaviour very sharply.

And this "excessive" sincerity probably triggered the **** out of him.

Because "How are you feeling? How is it?" I'm no longer answering with "fine". I'll say: "Shit." or "I really want to go away."

As for the outing, I went to a support group outing... but now I'm going to a camp, where people do "fun". Running around and games whatnot. And I fear, it's gonna be even worse... I loathe myself and I don't feel human at all.

Also, there are people in my life now who also... keep saying "fine". Yet I can see that they're not. Perhaps its out of loneliness, but I've become very demanding. Because I want to listen and help if I can. And this excessive concern just makes me appear like a cnt.

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Seven rough days in a row.  However this morning I managed to go to a couple of grocery stores so things maybe getting better.  This afternoon I was so exhausted I had to take a two hour nap.  Some of my mental health issues are caused by toxic people.   I need to move to a quiet place.

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Note.  I will be without WIFI for a couple of weeks so I will not be able to post.  😢\

I will do my best to let you all know the exact dates.  

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Feeling pretty proud of myself lately. I been working on myself a lot and starting to see the results from it. I'm scared to fall back into my old ways but I feel like this time it might be different. I'm hoping that will be the case!

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7 hours ago, crewneck said:

Feeling pretty proud of myself lately. I been working on myself a lot and starting to see the results from it. I'm scared to fall back into my old ways but I feel like this time it might be different. I'm hoping that will be the case!

Two thumbs up!  👍👍

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