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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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4 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

Does anyone truly believe that we will ever find relief from this illness?

Yes ! ... just a matter of time and circumstances ... but it will happen ... I hope 

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah and motor homes can't be that expensive.  My neighbors haven't worked the whole 4 years I've been here and they always seem to have one over there.  Sure it's one they have to work on all the time and backfires everytime they start it like a gunshot but who cares it's a way out of this nightmare.  Maybe they'll sell me there motor home.🤔

Let's go in together on it. Hopefully it's a pre-electronic everything vehicle. My Kia's engine looks simple but there are so many sensors that have to always be within the prescribed range or the whole damned car will go dead. I miss my old AMC Gremlins with a simple inline six and a carburetor that could be rebuilt and put back on the manifold in less than 30 minutes.

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I'm still unemployed, using up what's left of my severance pay. You know what? I can't imagine going back to work. Sometimes I'll let myself think about it for a few minutes and my blood pressure spikes. I get that very familiar feeling of dread at having to "perform to expectations" and put up with normie coworkers who have no clue what depression/anxiety is.

One of my former coworkers actually told me "I thought I was depressed once but decided it wasn't for me." I couldn't think of a smart @ss reply to that fast enough so I just let it go.

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Let's go in together on it. Hopefully it's a pre-electronic everything vehicle. My Kia's engine looks simple but there are so many sensors that have to always be within the prescribed range or the whole damned car will go dead. I miss my old AMC Gremlins with a simple inline six and a carburetor that could be rebuilt and put back on the manifold in less than 30 minutes.

I would like to get out of here and escape this place.  Of course I'm not well enough to do all of this on my own but it's this or you know the last chapter really.  I fight the never ending mountain until the mountain buries me.  Doing this on my own is awful.  Everything very quickly goes from wow that looks really nice to you better do something quick before winter or the place will cave in.  By the time people get to death or a nursing home they just say fine just as long as I don't have to do this anymore.  Who cares what happens?  Just get me out of here!

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I'm feeling really good today. I feel like for the last few years I've been stagnant but today I feel like I made some mental progress. I'm proud of myself. I either wasn't ready for change or I've always been really scared of change so it has stoped me from living. Today I sat down with myself and talked to myself for a few hours to dissect what the root problem of my struggles were. I've done that so many times from anxious thinking throughout the years but today I made a break through. It feels quite liberating. I think the fact that I recently hit rock bottom and told myself I need to be nicer to myself helped a lot. I hope this mentality sticks. I have faith in myself but I'm also so scared to yo-yo from my depression and anxiety. I hope everyone who reads this the best of luck in their own journey. Life can be hard but there's always good days ahead. 

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9 hours ago, crewneck said:

I'm feeling really good today. I feel like for the last few years I've been stagnant but today I feel like I made some mental progress. I'm proud of myself. I either wasn't ready for change or I've always been really scared of change so it has stoped me from living. Today I sat down with myself and talked to myself for a few hours to dissect what the root problem of my struggles were. I've done that so many times from anxious thinking throughout the years but today I made a break through. It feels quite liberating. I think the fact that I recently hit rock bottom and told myself I need to be nicer to myself helped a lot. I hope this mentality sticks. I have faith in myself but I'm also so scared to yo-yo from my depression and anxiety. I hope everyone who reads this the best of luck in their own journey. Life can be hard but there's always good days ahead. 

Wow, I totally can identify with you. I do agree that we have to be easier on ourselves because mental illness does not play fair. If we cannot get enough motivation going in our own lives. There probably want be anyone else pushing or motivating us to hang in there until a better day come for us. I am so excited that you found some breakthrough in your life and now you have something to try to build on from this day forward. Be blessed my friend and continue to persevere on your journey of life.

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...well, I'm definitely still in love with my ex-girlfriend.

No matter how hard I try to distract myself with other stuff, she's still all I can think about. Plus, knowing she's unavailable is just making it worse - to the point where just the thought of her new lover is enough to make me nauseous.

I want her back but I can't have her and it's slowly breaking me apart. I don't know what to do anymore.

Edited by DialAForAlan
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19 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Yes ! ... just a matter of time and circumstances ... but it will happen ... I hope 

i want to believe that too but so many doctors i've seen are clueless as to why nothing works for me and others...and so many people i've met suffer by trying various medications and nothing works for them either, they just suffer and make it day by day..hoping that something will change, but will it? i know medicine and technology are always advancing but when will things ever truly change for us ?

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18 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I'm still unemployed, using up what's left of my severance pay. You know what? I can't imagine going back to work. Sometimes I'll let myself think about it for a few minutes and my blood pressure spikes. I get that very familiar feeling of dread at having to "perform to expectations" and put up with normie coworkers who have no clue what depression/anxiety is.

Yes having to “perform to expectations “ does cause me stress and anxiety. Hope you find something better before the severance runs out. That would stress me out as I lost a job 3 years ago and lived in my truck for 6 months. 

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...do you know what the worst part of this is?

Now that I can't get back together with my ex, she's the only one I want - to the point where I'm not really caring about anybody, even Jane, at the moment. Honestly, I think my heart might be broken beyond repair.

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7 hours ago, DialAForAlan said:

...well, I'm definitely still in love with my ex-girlfriend.

No matter how hard I try to distract myself with other stuff, she's still all I can think about. Plus, knowing she's unavailable is just making it worse - to the point where just the thought of her new lover is enough to make me nauseous.

I want her back but I can't have her and it's slowly breaking me apart. I don't know what to do anymore.

I hear ya. My last relationship ended suddenly with no closure. I don't know what happened, but I suspect my selfishness was a huge part of it. Maybe all of it.

I met my <former> GF here on this forum. We had what I thought were a couple of great years. Never met in person but spent countless hours on the phone with each other. But then one day, it simply fell apart. Again, it was mostly my fault and I'll never stop beating myself up over it.

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7 hours ago, Bbqdad said:

Yes having to “perform to expectations “ does cause me stress and anxiety. Hope you find something better before the severance runs out. That would stress me out as I lost a job 3 years ago and lived in my truck for 6 months. 

Thanks!

I wish I hadn't got rid of my minivan...I could sleep in it and even have my cats along with me if I had to. Now I have a Kia Soul that's about as roomy as a large appliance carton. And I have a loan on it. 😞 

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On 8/3/2021 at 6:21 AM, sober4life said:

That plus home owners insurance.  That's rent.  Have I known anyone that's even turned in claims to the insurance company?  No but we think we have to have it our whole lives.  What if I say I'm sick of this place and knock it down or burn it.  What will happen?  I'll go to jail.  This isn't my house.

Yes, just taxes plus insurance amount to rent or more, depending on how crazy the local house pricing has become. This doesn't even include the upkeep and all the other expenses, even electricity, water, garbage, sewer, Internet, general upkeep, expensive occasional things (like roof replacement), etc.

Is it even possible to live minimally in a shack with at least plumbing, electricity and Internet? Just get rid of everything else and have a place to bathe and sleep. That's pretty much all that's needed.

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47 minutes ago, anon22ae said:

Yes, just taxes plus insurance amount to rent or more, depending on how crazy the local house pricing has become. This doesn't even include the upkeep and all the other expenses, even electricity, water, garbage, sewer, Internet, general upkeep, expensive occasional things (like roof replacement), etc.

Is it even possible to live minimally in a shack with at least plumbing, electricity and Internet? Just get rid of everything else and have a place to bathe and sleep. That's pretty much all that's needed.

Well the man I talk about sometimes around here that nobody ever sees probably planned to cut himself off from people.  He got a metal roof and a generator.  Internet?  I doubt he cares about that.  Water he has a well.  Sewer?  Maybe we live in the woods.  Maybe not.  Garbage you can burn most of it.  None of it's easy but living around people isn't easy either.

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Talked to my friend Eric last night and it felt good to catch up and check in. He wants me to come out to Santa Monica at some point so we can record some new music in his studio and just hang out for a few days.

Aside from that I’ve been working on a few new songs and also this stuff with Christine seems to be going good. As in I haven’t screwed up yet. People are noticing my nicer clothes, the cologne and some people last Sunday saw us talking. My friend Ryan today asked me who it was I was trying to impress and I just told him it wasn’t for anyone, just doing it for myself because I like showing this side of me. It’s a positive side which doesn’t come out often.

I tend to worry too much about if people in general like me or hate me… So I even worry about little things especially when it comes to relationship stuff. I have been out of the game honestly so I’m far from being a smooth talker. Have always been shy around people period. Tonight though when I tried to sleep I started wondering if Christine really wants anything to do with a guy like me. I grabbed my guitar and started playing one of the songs I’m working on and about 30 minutes later she messaged me. She’s proving that I overthink everything… So I need to work on turning off that part of my mind.

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Well it's so hard to have confidence.  In 42 years have I heard my brain say great job or something similar ever?  Of course not.  There's always something in there trying to make me overthink everything pointing out every negative thing it can think of to trip me up.

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11 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Thanks!

I wish I hadn't got rid of my minivan...I could sleep in it and even have my cats along with me if I had to. Now I have a Kia Soul that's about as roomy as a large appliance carton. And I have a loan on it. 😞 

Trade your Soul for a 1993 Ford F250 Extended Cab 4x4 pickup truck. That’s what I got!

I ran out of gas money. So I let a homeless girl room with me for gasoline. She could talk anyone into putting their card into OUR gas pump and filling up two tanks. I loved her until she stole my truck.

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Day 3 of manic symptoms. 

i stayed home from work for a mental health day. I went to doctors for lab work and gave my daughters poa over my medical records. See doctor on Tuesday when labs are ready.

but I’m losing sleep, highly productive and writing a lot mostly on DF.

my daughters heard the tone in my voice and could tell sumthang is up and it not good.

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Narc mom is in and out of hospital a lot lately. I'm not recovered fully from my trauma or recent breakdown but I'm expected to be on call to take her/pick her up into/from hospital, when driving can bring on panic attacks in me. 

She is 24/7 demanding and encroaching on my boundaries and rest as it is but with her illness it gives her power trip more ammo.

She likes to send me messages about how I urgently need to contact her... Its always an emergency and I should always be worried and on high alert... There is never any consideration about how the rest of us feel and our needs are certainly not considered. 

I hate this. It's prison. She has always used me as a counsellor. But these days she demands it 24/7. If I got along with her, talking to her wouldn't be an issue but she's very toxic and demanding. I have to be in full zen mode to come out of a conversation unscathed. 

My sister and I both have mental illness because this lady is continuously putting us down, invalidating us and demanding our time 24/7 or else she will rage and harrass... She has genuine health issues but she bombards us with them like she bombards us with her feelings about everything else, dismissing us completely. 

Being good people and being (trauma) bonded to her, we try to help her best we can when she is ill but she demands that we worry 24/7. She encourages it and she expects it to be the focal point of our life. She has to be the focal point of our lives, ill ot not. 

I need to look after myself aswell as others. I can't worry about her 24/7. I've been too ill with stress already. My sister has too. She is prescription drugged up to the eyeballs. 

Anyway, I didn't call her baxk for the second time today. Yes, I know she is in hospital but I'm tired and I need to sleep. She will no doubt refuse to text me back to make me pay for not returning the call... I offered to pick her up tonorrow even though I am very, very tired and, like I said, not well myself. 

That will have to be enough. 

 

 

 

Edited by Nightjar
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