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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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Im very disappointed with my sis. I end up packing n living with my parents anw after another shouting match and my sis n husband n two sons live at my parents place and she was angry that im living there now. I cannot even talk to her. I sent her a text message and poured out my heart and soul and she never even replied me. People like this are the worst. Only care about themselves and their friends and when their family need them the most, they disappear. She is horrible. I’ll never forgive her for leaving me in my hole. If she wants to treat me like a person ok fine but she is a person with a horrible heart. 

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17 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Cool! 😎 Do you live at your sister's house duck? I know you do a lot for them. They're lucky to have you 🤔

Oh NIghtjar,  I am a very complex and complicated relationship with my three older sisters.  I am the youngest and only son.  My second and third sister lives with me in my house.  I pay all the bills, property tax etc.   Things got worse around February 2019.  I decided to transfer my home to them.  That transaction was completed February 2020.  Back in 2005 my third sister bought a semi/duplex in another city.  She claimed she was going to move there but she never did.  This semi/duplex has been sitting empty.  Recently,  she decided to sell it so I travelled to this far away city with her and I am doing chores for her such as painting and so on.  I painted the front door exterior today. Three coats.  I also did a third coat of paint on the large garage door.   I will try to explain as the days go by.    I am not sure if she wants to sell it or keep it because she changes her mind every ten seconds.  Thanks for your support! 

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Not great but could be worse, just finished listening to a song on repeat for over 3 hours while staring at my laptop screen. There’s a dull ache in my chest however. I greatly miss my family and my old friends, the old town I used to live in along with the sense of freedom that can only be felt as a child. Wish it were easier to be ignorant to all the awfulness that happens on earth

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Yeah I wish I could go back to having the mind I had as a child so I could be more carefree.  Now my adult mind always has to figure out what's really going on.  I wish I could turn that off and live in my own world all the time.  I'm tired of being angry all the time like the chip shortage with cars makes me angry because I know it's a lie so they could get rid of all of their old cars on the lots.  Why does this even make me angry?  I'm not going to buy a new car now.  I guess it's because that's what this world always seems to be someone running a con and I'm sick of it.

Edited by sober4life
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I'm...well, I could be better. I woke up with a huge lump in my throat; like, the kind you get when you're about to cry.

...and even though I'm not awake enough to know if anything is wrong yet, I still want to run into Jane's arms and not look back.

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19 hours ago, Another Statistic said:

Alone is a tough one. Some folks crave it, some folks hate it, but too much of it is bad for anyone.

I hope you find someone you can reach out to.

🤗

it depends on your mood I suppose. sometimes i don't mind being alone, but sometimes it's not the easiest thing being alone, you want company, but with this illness its hard to keep friends by your side..

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On 7/26/2021 at 2:56 AM, duck said:

Yes I am enjoying the cooler summer weather.  I painted the garage door and I am hoping to paint the front door exterior.  This is on my sister's house.  

Send some of that our way. It's been beastly hot and humid here. I hate summer anyway...it means sweat, bugs, more sweat, quickly rotting food, buckets of sweat, and foot fungus to me.

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

it depends on your mood I suppose. sometimes i don't mind being alone, but sometimes it's not the easiest thing being alone, you want company, but with this illness its hard to keep friends by your side..

Folks in the know can be pretty forgiving of our morose BS, but they're darn hard to find. I think that's why this place is magical, it's full of folks who get it.

Here's what a two hour visit with my imaginary BFF would be like:

ME: Hey.

IMAGINARY BFF: Hey.

ME: Coffee?

IBFF: Yeah. Just cream if you got it.

ME: No problem.

IBFF: Mmmm .. that's good.

ME: Yeah, I like Americanos.

*** two comfortable hours pass with no conversation ***

IBFF: Good hangin' witcha.

ME: Yeah, good hangin' witchoo too.

IBFF: Later.

ME: Later.

Sometimes just having another human in the same room is enough. If I keep looking eventually I'll find someone who gets that.

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

I'm flying low to the ground today. Had oral surgery yesterday and my mouth is pretty sore. WAAH.

Sick of summer. See post above.

I'm glad you were able to get the surgery.  I remember how sick I was from the infection before my dental surgery.  I hope you get better soon.

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Just now, sober4life said:

I'm glad you were able to get the surgery.  I remember how sick I was from the infection before my dental surgery.  I hope you get better soon.

Thanks. I have looked like a chipmunk storing up sunflower seeds in his cheek for weeks now. I got put on some strong antibiotics to go after the infection in my lower jaw. They scraped it out yesterday, which was an experience something like I imagine you'd find in Hell.

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I do feel good, calm, relaxed and content right now. However these past four days my dreams been a bit more bothersome to me, sadly. Effecting me to get things done around my place more or even doing my 1 mile walks each day, as well my workout routine too. My dreams are werid to scary and a bit emotional dreams as well. Since I dream of past events that happen to me when I got hurt by people re living my past. Then some scary monster like dreams that anyone can get too. I hope it really gets better again soon, as I'm trying to think postitve and be optimistic as well best I can each day.

Also trying hard in staying active as possible and doing productive things more such as reading books and tutoring myself learning things. We shall see what happens I suppose since that's how I feel lately 

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I'm trying to figure out this arthritis.  Why today why would my left arm and hand be in such bad shape on a 90 degree day?  It scares me thinking about going through my first winter with this.  I've already heard plenty of well you have two arms don't ya comments.  I know I'm on my own in this uncaring world and it worries me.

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5 hours ago, Another Statistic said:

Sometimes just having another human in the same room is enough. If I keep looking eventually I'll find someone who gets that.

Yeah this is why my ex and I stayed together 10 years. He didn't like conversation 🤣

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm trying to figure out this arthritis.  Why today why would my left arm and hand be in such bad shape on a 90 degree day?  It scares me thinking about going through my first winter with this.  I've already heard plenty of well you have two arms don't ya comments.  I know I'm on my own in this uncaring world and it worries me.

Check out DMSO. That stuff works. They use it on horses here is cattle country, and I promise you it works on humans too.

But it stinks. Like a lot. Discontinue use before any dates.

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Last weekend at work I was stuck in the same spot all 3 days... All with 12 hours of being inside my mind which wasn't exactly a good thing when the bad thoughts start to come around. What really gets me down are when I get thinking about wanting to fit in with people and how people view me as a person or what they think of me. I spend many hours wondering about that kind of stuff even when I'm not at work.

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My adrenaline keeps pumping at the moment when I'm trying to sleep... And when I fall asleep I'm having panic attacks which wake me up. FFS. This usually happens now and again but at the moment it's more intense.

The (almost) move.. Mini lion's illness, Narc mom's illness and also harassment from narc mom has done a number on me and I'm not getting any help with this.

Getting help when you are struggling so much is the biggest challenge isn't it? 

Edited by Nightjar
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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

My adrenaline keeps pumping at the moment when I'm trying to sleep... And when I fall asleep I'm having panic attacks which wake me up. FFS. This usually happens now and again but at the moment it's more intense.

The (almost) move.. Mini lion's illness, Narc mom's illness and also harassment from narc mom has done a number on me and I'm not getting any help with this.

Getting help when you are struggling so much is the biggest challenge isn't it? 

I know how you feel.  Like me you've been talking about having trouble sleeping lately.  When I'm really struggling with it I go to bed angry expecting to get no sleep whatsoever so my adrenaline does pump going to bed.  I walk into the room wanting to throw the bed across the room.

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19 hours ago, Shijima said:

I do feel good, calm, relaxed and content right now. However these past four days my dreams been a bit more bothersome to me, sadly. Effecting me to get things done around my place more or even doing my 1 mile walks each day, as well my workout routine too. My dreams are werid to scary and a bit emotional dreams as well. Since I dream of past events that happen to me when I got hurt by people re living my past. Then some scary monster like dreams that anyone can get too. I hope it really gets better again soon, as I'm trying to think postitve and be optimistic as well best I can each day.

Also trying hard in staying active as possible and doing productive things more such as reading books and tutoring myself learning things. We shall see what happens I suppose since that's how I feel lately 

The same as I posted last time.

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On 7/21/2021 at 7:38 AM, APFSDS said:

Seems I'm getting addicted to apple and juniper juice. I lack an outlet completely... nobody to talk to.
My family are impossible to talk to. My only friend will get triggered easily... and I can't get anybody else to talk to me.
Psychologist coming up next week... after almost two months of leave.
Truth be told I've been having an awful two months... I reality is being questioned, which person is which. I can't handle it.

I feel you there with no one to talk too, seems people don't understand,  accept or want to get to know me. In the end I'm completely alone even with family and my help teams support. They don't fully know or understand my pain I feel everyday. I never really experiencing what true friendship or love is like. Maybe I'm too werid for people, who knows. Would be nice to have someone to talk too, though me having trust issues and the fear of people makes it hard for me.

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We've had so much humid weather here in New Mexico which is rare for this time of year.  Monsoon season usually starts in August.  New Mexico is a pretty dry state and so people have swamp coolers which is a good fit with the weather.  I have one too but it just doesn't work when it is humid out.  Wish I had refrigerated air but I can't afford it.  If wishes were fishes . . .

Except when I am asleep, I have felt uncomfortable most of the time.  That is getting really old.

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I'm mentally in a weird place right now. I'm not good with change but lately I've been trying to take more accountability for my happiness. So I started to regularly meditate and practice gratitude. I've always been more of a pessimistic person but I never realized just how unkind I am to myself till recently. I feel scared and lonely going through this journey of trying to better myself. It's very hard for me but I know it's for my own self-improvement so I can't give up. If I give up I will have already failed and I'm tired of failing at everything in my life. I feel like crying myself to sleep at times when it gets too hard but I'm trying not to be so tough on myself and just go with the flow. 

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3 hours ago, Epictetus said:

We've had so much humid weather here in New Mexico which is rare for this time of year.  Monsoon season usually starts in August.  New Mexico is a pretty dry state and so people have swamp coolers which is a good fit with the weather.  I have one too but it just doesn't work when it is humid out.  Wish I had refrigerated air but I can't afford it.  If wishes were fishes . . .

Except when I am asleep, I have felt uncomfortable most of the time.  That is getting really old.

I live in Canada so the weather is pretty different. It's interesting to hear about the differences we face when it comes to the weather. We barely have a summer. It's here for 2 months out of the year and then its just cold all year round. Also I have never heard of a swamp cooler before. I had to look that up.

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