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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I do feel good, calm, relaxed and content right now. However these past four days my dreams been a bit more bothersome to me, sadly. Effecting me to get things done around my place more or even doing my 1 mile walks each day, as well my workout routine too. My dreams are werid to scary and a bit emotional dreams as well. Since I dream of past events that happen to me when I got hurt by people re living my past. Then some scary monster like dreams that anyone can get too. I hope it really gets better again soon, as I'm trying to think postitve and be optimistic as well best I can each day.

Also trying hard in staying active as possible and doing productive things more such as reading books and tutoring myself learning things. We shall see what happens I suppose since that's how I feel lately 

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I'm trying to figure out this arthritis.  Why today why would my left arm and hand be in such bad shape on a 90 degree day?  It scares me thinking about going through my first winter with this.  I've already heard plenty of well you have two arms don't ya comments.  I know I'm on my own in this uncaring world and it worries me.

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5 hours ago, Another Statistic said:

Sometimes just having another human in the same room is enough. If I keep looking eventually I'll find someone who gets that.

Yeah this is why my ex and I stayed together 10 years. He didn't like conversation 🤣

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Last weekend at work I was stuck in the same spot all 3 days... All with 12 hours of being inside my mind which wasn't exactly a good thing when the bad thoughts start to come around. What really gets me down are when I get thinking about wanting to fit in with people and how people view me as a person or what they think of me. I spend many hours wondering about that kind of stuff even when I'm not at work.

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My adrenaline keeps pumping at the moment when I'm trying to sleep... And when I fall asleep I'm having panic attacks which wake me up. FFS. This usually happens now and again but at the moment it's more intense.

The (almost) move.. Mini lion's illness, Narc mom's illness and also harassment from narc mom has done a number on me and I'm not getting any help with this.

Getting help when you are struggling so much is the biggest challenge isn't it? 

Edited by Nightjar
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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

My adrenaline keeps pumping at the moment when I'm trying to sleep... And when I fall asleep I'm having panic attacks which wake me up. FFS. This usually happens now and again but at the moment it's more intense.

The (almost) move.. Mini lion's illness, Narc mom's illness and also harassment from narc mom has done a number on me and I'm not getting any help with this.

Getting help when you are struggling so much is the biggest challenge isn't it? 

I know how you feel.  Like me you've been talking about having trouble sleeping lately.  When I'm really struggling with it I go to bed angry expecting to get no sleep whatsoever so my adrenaline does pump going to bed.  I walk into the room wanting to throw the bed across the room.

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19 hours ago, Shijima said:

I do feel good, calm, relaxed and content right now. However these past four days my dreams been a bit more bothersome to me, sadly. Effecting me to get things done around my place more or even doing my 1 mile walks each day, as well my workout routine too. My dreams are werid to scary and a bit emotional dreams as well. Since I dream of past events that happen to me when I got hurt by people re living my past. Then some scary monster like dreams that anyone can get too. I hope it really gets better again soon, as I'm trying to think postitve and be optimistic as well best I can each day.

Also trying hard in staying active as possible and doing productive things more such as reading books and tutoring myself learning things. We shall see what happens I suppose since that's how I feel lately 

The same as I posted last time.

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On 7/21/2021 at 7:38 AM, APFSDS said:

Seems I'm getting addicted to apple and juniper juice. I lack an outlet completely... nobody to talk to.
My family are impossible to talk to. My only friend will get triggered easily... and I can't get anybody else to talk to me.
Psychologist coming up next week... after almost two months of leave.
Truth be told I've been having an awful two months... I reality is being questioned, which person is which. I can't handle it.

I feel you there with no one to talk too, seems people don't understand,  accept or want to get to know me. In the end I'm completely alone even with family and my help teams support. They don't fully know or understand my pain I feel everyday. I never really experiencing what true friendship or love is like. Maybe I'm too werid for people, who knows. Would be nice to have someone to talk too, though me having trust issues and the fear of people makes it hard for me.

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We've had so much humid weather here in New Mexico which is rare for this time of year.  Monsoon season usually starts in August.  New Mexico is a pretty dry state and so people have swamp coolers which is a good fit with the weather.  I have one too but it just doesn't work when it is humid out.  Wish I had refrigerated air but I can't afford it.  If wishes were fishes . . .

Except when I am asleep, I have felt uncomfortable most of the time.  That is getting really old.

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I'm mentally in a weird place right now. I'm not good with change but lately I've been trying to take more accountability for my happiness. So I started to regularly meditate and practice gratitude. I've always been more of a pessimistic person but I never realized just how unkind I am to myself till recently. I feel scared and lonely going through this journey of trying to better myself. It's very hard for me but I know it's for my own self-improvement so I can't give up. If I give up I will have already failed and I'm tired of failing at everything in my life. I feel like crying myself to sleep at times when it gets too hard but I'm trying not to be so tough on myself and just go with the flow. 

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3 hours ago, Epictetus said:

We've had so much humid weather here in New Mexico which is rare for this time of year.  Monsoon season usually starts in August.  New Mexico is a pretty dry state and so people have swamp coolers which is a good fit with the weather.  I have one too but it just doesn't work when it is humid out.  Wish I had refrigerated air but I can't afford it.  If wishes were fishes . . .

Except when I am asleep, I have felt uncomfortable most of the time.  That is getting really old.

I live in Canada so the weather is pretty different. It's interesting to hear about the differences we face when it comes to the weather. We barely have a summer. It's here for 2 months out of the year and then its just cold all year round. Also I have never heard of a swamp cooler before. I had to look that up.

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Yeah I am too tough on myself or am I?  I've always been convinced there is something else put in my head to try to make sure I fail in life.  It makes perfect sense when people say it's the disease or a seperate voice in there.  It's what it seems like.  There seems to be a joker in my head constantly trying to trip me up my whole life.  If I could turn that idiot off for good I would probably be fine.

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3 hours ago, Shijima said:

I feel you there with no one to talk too, seems people don't understand,  accept or want to get to know me. In the end I'm completely alone even with family and my help teams support. They don't fully know or understand my pain I feel everyday. I never really experiencing what true friendship or love is like. Maybe I'm too werid for people, who knows. Would be nice to have someone to talk too, though me having trust issues and the fear of people makes it hard for me.

I wish I could say something useful.

The only way is to force oneself to go out and find people. Easier said than done.
It's a bit like a joke about certain kinds of work experiences. To get a job you need 40 years of experience at the age of 20 or something.

To find the right people you need the right people to help you find the right people... blah. 😞

I wish you'll feel better!

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I still can’t see what’s the purpose of life. What’s the point? There is no point cos I’m supposed to create it myself. Being here and having no reason and nothing to look forward to and not enjoying what I used to enjoy. This too shall pass but when. When. When will it pass. I have so many things to be grateful for and yet Im a living zombie and I’m very very tired. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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11 hours ago, APFSDS said:

I wish I could say something useful.

The only way is to force oneself to go out and find people. Easier said than done.
It's a bit like a joke about certain kinds of work experiences. To get a job you need 40 years of experience at the age of 20 or something.

To find the right people you need the right people to help you find the right people... blah. 😞

I wish you'll feel better!

It's alright not everyone has the right answers to some things nor know what to say that could help. I appreciate you by responding back to me though, so thank you. True pushing yourself to get out there can work, though taking things slow is a better approach and not rushing it. 

Thank you for wishing me well. If you ever want to talk or just someone to listen to you. You may message me if you like, if not no worries.

I hope you start feeling better as well.

---------

I feel pretty better actually today, I was a major badass in my dream once again. I had my katanta and took down  monsters and then cyborgs from Terminator. I wasn't scared at all and felt brave, confident, strong, ferice and in control of my dream.

So over of today I feel very well, good, and content today.

 

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Feeling on edge. Worthless.
My support person said I could call her 24/7 if I have something to cry about.
I just don't want to bother her, as she's also a "survivor". I cannot burden her. Yet I made a promise to her. Why the **** did I do that???

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Feeling sad this evening.. Feeling my losses and my loneliness. Just cried a bit. It's weird how tears seem to come out of nowhere and how grief comes in waves 🤔 It was lovely to pet a cat today. They are such a big deal here on earth.. Providing so much love and support to people. 

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I've been better.

I didn't sleep very well last night to begin with, but then I ended up waking up feeling as though my heart has an iron weight on it as well as a sinking feeling in my gut. Needless to say, I just feel like hiding from the world until I feel better and drowning myself in Jane.

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Last night I took my motorcycle out for a ride just to get some stuff off my mind and while I had my phone with me I never bothered to check it whenever I stopped along back roads. I got home and Christine had sent me a text which once again had my head spinning with all sorts of crazy thoughts. I went out walking, wondering if I should respond to her and my mind went off into many different directions. The many surgeries I've had, conversations with my friend Eric who keeps telling me to hang in there to crap about an ex and high school stuff that has been many years ago. Needless to say I didn't respond to her mostly because of being extremely nervous about screwing up and overthinking like a mad man.

And suddenly I've bought cologne again... Whatever that's supposed to mean. People at work already suspect I'm up to something since I've been dressing up and wearing cologne which is usually something I only have done when I was performing on stage.

Another thing over the past week that popped into my head was Ariel, a girl I had met at Wayne's years ago. We used to record some music and actually perform together for a short while. I'd run into her randomly in Nashville sometimes, in fact the last time I saw her I had on shades, a fedora and was honestly shocked that she recognized me. Anyways I found out that she's kind of out of the music business now and is a teacher and lastly a Twitch streamer. Kind of odd how life works out and maybe I'm not the only said musician who has had to set the dream down for one reason or another.

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